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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Red or blue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant: } } I told you his face would turn red! If you just keep squeezing, it will } turn blue...then he will return the money he owes you. It's all in } "Loansharking Made Easy" the fantastic new book from the folks that } brought you "Own Your Own Labor Union in 90 Days or Less." Cosa Nostra } Press has all your educational needs.....And More! } } - New Lightweight Aluminum "Brass" Knuckles: no more holes in your } pockets from carrying around these essential tools. } } - MobPC Plus: The new software which guarantees a complete low-level } hard drive format in seconds..."what files?? I just use that to } read alt.tasteless on the internet." } } - Heraldry for the Sophisticated Thug: What family do you belong to? } They all have really neat coats of arms...trace your lineage! } } - Using the Internet: Instant Criminal Connectivity! Never whack the } wrong Brentwood babe and her waiter friend again! With email and PGP } you can get it right the FIRST TIME... } } You owe the Oracle the use of one of your senators.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                 _______________ >                 _______________ >                 ______   ______ >                 ______   ______ >                 ______   ______ >                 ______   ______

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The regularly-scheduled Oracle is on vacation.  In its place we bring } you one of a series of Oracles Around the World.  Tonight's Guest } Oracle is I-Ching of Ancient China.] } } The I-Ching has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } >#20  Kuan  (Contemplation) } > } >Contemplation.  The ablution has been made. } >But not yet the offering. } >Full of trust they look up to him. } } And in response, thus spake the I-Ching: } } )Glad to see you washed up this time.  What the hell were you doing to } )get so sticky last time?  You weren't eating the yarrows were you?  I } )mean, really, show some respect. } ) } )And besides, just because the Oracle is on vacation doesn't mean you } )can get away without offering a grovel or some such sign of } )insignificant unworthiness in the face of sublime knowledge.  Like get } )with the program, ok? } ) } )Still and all you did come to the right place and the I-Ching doesn't } )want to shatter your trust in supreme wisdom.  Therefore, assume the } )lotus position, close your eyes, and hum today's bonus mantra "I wish } )I could shiatsu like my sister Kate" while contemplating the following } )koan: } ) } ) "If a tree fell in a forest and no one was around to hear it, would } ) Windows95 ever work correctly?" } ) } )After a few days, open your eyes, walk three paces east, and lift your } )eyes to the heavens.  The answer should appear on the fourth cloud } )from the left. } } [Thank you I-Ching.  Tune in next week when Shirley MacLaine resurrects } the spirit of Aimee Semple Macpherson who will do astrology charts over } our 800 number and autograph copies of her next book "Voodoo and You, } Creative Body Piercing for Fun and Profit."]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, Master of all things, even the 7-10 split, please > answer this small question: > >   Why is it that a bowling ball is held with the third and fourth > fingers and the thumb?  Wouldn't it be easier to do it another way? > Just Wondering....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As any true bowler will tell you, the key to consistently bowling } strikes is to put a good spin on the ball, such that it hits the 1-2 or } 1-3 pockets flush.  Using the middle and ring fingers, and thumb, while } utilizing the wrist's rotating motion, has proven to be a fairly } effective way of doing this.  However, let's see if we can't find a } better way: } } Method:  Middle/Ring/Thumb with wrist rotation } }   Advantages:  The standard.  Allows for nice spin and easy }     followthrough into the necessary body english. } }   Disadvantages:  Wrist braces.  Wrist damage over time.  Bad }   fingernails. } } Method:  Index/Pinky/Thumb with wrist rotation } }   Advantages:  More torque put into spin. } }   Disadvantages:  Same as above.  Plus, make devil sign with each bowl; }     users tend to bowl either very badly or get series of 666. } } Method:  Hold-ball-in-"Allstate } Insurance"-grip-and-lightly-roll-it-down } }   Advantages:  Easy for smaller and weaker bowlers.  Doesn't require }     fancy run-up technique.  Keep fingernails from chipping or }     breaking. } }   Disadvantages:  Lousy spin and speed makes for lousy bowling scores. }     Also makes you look pretty dorky unless you're very old or very }     young. } } Method:  Load ball into cannon.  Fire! } }   Advantages:  A strike every time. } }   Disadvantages:  Usually have to get a new ball and pins for each }   frame. } } Method:  Bribing the scorer. } }   Advantages:  None of that pesky bowling to get in the way of a great }   score! } }   Disadvantages:  Computer scorers aren't easily bribed.  Human bowlers }     tend to favor beer, so you may have to shell out a lot. } } So, as you can see, each method may or may not work for you, depending } on your preferences.  If you're rich, I'd go for the last option, though } I fail to recall a time when anyone rich ventured into a bowling alley. } } You owe the Oracle some curling instructions.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Nifty Oracle, reader of books I could not get past the first line of, > please tell me: > > Who invented writing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What do you care, you don't get past the first line of books. } } Alright I realise you have a pressing desire to know this flimsy piece } of datum. The invention of writing is commonly attributed by scholars } to the summarians. And for once the scholars got it right. The } Summarians, whom I sure you are aware, predate even the mesopotamians, } were indeed the inventors of the first system of writing. } } To be more specific it was Pishantish son of Filitofish who was the } first to actually put stick to clay tablet. He was a very successful } bookie.  So successful in fact that even his prodigious memory was } sometimes unable to keep track of all of the bets placed with him. } } The idea of writing struck him when he struck someone else. Some poor } slob couldn't pay off the five bags of barley that he had bet on that } night's mud wrestling. Pishantish knocked the guy across the pit where } he fell face first into the mud. As it happened, the next day our } bright bookie was about to start wetting down the now dried mud pit, } when he noticed the well preserved impression of slob's face. It was at } that moment when he realised that he could theoretically press five } barley stalks into the mud besides the face in order to remember what } slob still owed him. } } The rest, as they say is history. Pishantish spent the next six years } simplifying and perfecting his technique. He never forgot a bet again. } Coincidentally he became the inventor of organised crime as well.  But } that's another story. } } You owe the Oracle a tankard of honey and barley mead.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O-h wise one. > R-eady to answer any and all questions. > A-ll knowing being of Oraclular stature. > C-reative power extraordinaire. > L-ives on the astral plane. > E-ven does "Windows". (But only when forced to.) > > If pigs had wings,  would there still be convertable cars?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  An interesting and timely question, as the flying pig option recently } manifested itself in an adjacent space-time line (I ran across it while } universe-surfing on my newly installed Relative Quantum State Cable } system). In addition to extremely depressed ragtop sales, consequences } of the sudden introduction of airborne porcines included: } }   > News anchors unable to get through "...another flying pig related }     airline tragedy..." with a straight face. } }   > Outdoor grunge concerts curtailed due to enormous flocks landing in }     mosh pit areas. } }   > Winged pigs supplant pigeons on the Champs d'Elisee. Disgusted }     Parisians flee, leaving the capital of France infested with }     flight-capable hams-on-the-hoof but virtually devoid of Frenchmen. }     Widely considered a net improvement. } }   > Arnold Ziffel surpasses Bob "Slack" Dobbs as individual with }     largest netcult. } }   > Voluntary commitments to detoxification facilities skyrocket. } }   > Thousands of tourists journey to DesMoines, Iowa, each year, as the }     plummeting porkers roost at City Hall ala swallows at Mission San }     Juan Capistrano. } }   > Goose and duck populations explode as hunters turn to easier }     targets. Thousands of loyal, tenacious, overly inbred retriever }     variety dogs drown trying to fulfill their traditional mission with }     notraditional game. } }   > Surveys show that more than 80% of consumers responding indicate }     that flying pig "tastes just like chicken." } }   > Hassidic Rabbinical Council members begin taking stunt-skydiving }     lessons, "just in case" the same phenomenon besets bovines or other }     "clean" animals, necessitating radical changes in methodology to }     carry out traditional methods of slaughter. } }   ...you owe the Oracle a martini with a cocktail sausage. }      Baked, not fried. J/tmf\S

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> LISA (OH GOD) > a remix of Nine Inch Nails' "Closer" by I. M. Supplicant > > You make me compliment you > though I already meant to... > You're worth more than my rent, too. > Kinzler -- did he invent you? > > tellme -- why are the m+ms blue? > tellme -- I've got a <null> to ask. > tellme -- where did you go on your spring break, > tellme how I can multitask > > You're going to ZOT! me like that animal > You'll have me looking like a moron > You're going to ZOT! me like that animal > But here's what I want to know -- > so who is Lisa, T. O.? > > You can have my Sting collection > You can have my sweatpants that smell > You can have my three point five disks > You can have my private hell > > tellme -- I need a good thesis > tellme -- how can I have good luck? > tellme -- I want the truth now: > tellme how much wood can it chuck... > > You're going to ZOT! me like that animal > You're going to flame me for the last time > You're going to ZOT! me like that animal > But just one thing as I go - > Say, who is Lisa, T. O.?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Though the Oracle is unfamilar with that charming little ditty of yours } (We don't get Z100 up here on Mount Olympus, you know) he does } appreciate musical talent, so he's willing to give your normally } *ZOT*-worthy questions a thought. } } ...Hmm... } } ..M+M's? } ..My vacation?? } ..Woodchucks??? } ..Lisa???? } } Getting a little personal there, supplicant.  I'm afraid I'm going to } have to answer your request. } }     *ZOT* } } You owe the Oracle a better song.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, without whom the crops would not grow, pray answer me > this question: > > Why was "sliced bread" such a great invention?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant: } } Despite the old saw: "the greatest invention since sliced bread", } sliced bread has done unspeakable damage to mankind. Although it is } unspeakable, I can write about it. } } Sliced bread led inevitably to the sandwich. } The sandwich has led to the portable meal. } The portable meal led to the meal away from home. } Meals away from home have led to the breakdown of the family. } The breakdown of the family has led to crime in the street. } Crime in the street led to large numbers of police. } Large numbers of police led to police abuse. } Police abuse led to distrust of the police. } Distrust of the police led to the acquittal of OJ Simpson. } The acquittal of OJ Simpson will lead to "white rioting". } Whites riot by voting Republican and cutting social programs. } Cutting social programs will lead to a greater gap between classes. } A large gap between classes leads to class warfare. } Class Warfare leads to the resurgence of communist ideology. } } Therefore, we should outlaw sliced bread because it leads to communism. } } You owe the Oracle a critique of right-wing logic.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle! > Please tell me where can I find "extracto de quebracho" for my leather > factory?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Forget it.  "E de Q" is no longer the tanner's chemical of choice. } Stick with the prefered solution, "extracto de boracho".  It is well } documented historically that concentrated urine from a drunk hombre is } best for curing leather.  The next best is "extracto de burro".  If } you're lucky, you can catch a boracho on his burro after a night on the } town and you'll be set for some time! } } You owe the Oracle a pair of huaraches that don't stink.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What kind of "position" do I have to be in (sexually) if I want my > child to be a girl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A compromising one (and don't forget to breathe deeply from the } diaphragm)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello my great and wonderful advisor....Will I have a boyfriend here at > school?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a VVFAQ (Very Very Frequently Asked Question). } Below is the part of this VVFAQ related to this question: } } ----8<------------- } } Questions: } } 1. Why? } 2. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck }    wood? } 3. Will I have a boyfriend (girlfriend)? } 4. } 5. How can I have a date with Lisa? } } Answers: } } 1. Because. } 2. Zot. } 3. No way. } 4. Third door on your right. } 5. You can't. } } ----8<------------- } } You can download the complete VVFAQ (4.2MB), VFAQ (253.6MB), } and FAQ (567832.4MB) from cs.indiana.edu. } } You owe the Oracle a fast modem.