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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the Ivy League?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A better question would be, "What WAS the Ivy League?"  It was a } baseball league that existed from 1905 to 1908 as a competitor to the } National and American Leagues.  With little to no money for travel, the } teams were located solely in the Northeast.  Here's a list of the } teams: } } * New York Subway Motormen } * Boston Fishermen } * Philadelphia Founding Fathers } * Providence (R.I.) Clippers } * New Haven (Ct.) Blue Sox } * Princeton (N.J.) Gardeners } * Ithaca (N.Y.) Sparrows } * Hanover (N.H.) Green Mountaineers } } The Ivy League had several problems.  First of all, with an odd number } of teams, scheduling proved to be nearly impossible.  Second, the } American and National Leagues repeatedly refused to include the Ivy } League in postseason play, since there would have had to have been an } extra round of the postseason.  And third, most of the teams had really } stupid names. } } After the Ivy League folded, sportswriter D.L. Wright of the New York } Sentinel-Bugle and Morning Call-Express noticed that the cities which } had had Ivy League teams also had something in common: they were home } to well-respected universities with strict admissions standards and a } high academic reputation--which, of course, didn't translate into } success with their athletic endeavors.  Also, some of them had stupid } names, such as the "Big Red," "Big Green," and the "Elis."  On } September 4, 1909, Wright jokingly referred to the "Ivy League" in his } column previewing the upcoming college football season. } } Other sportswriters picked up on the irony, and the term "Ivy League" } is still used today to refer to Columbia, Harvard, the University of } Pennsylvania, Brown, Yale, Princeton, Cornell, and Dartmouth. } } You owe the Oracle a New York Subway Motormen autographed baseball.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, so nifty and cool, I beg you to help me! > > Does steel wool come from iron sheep?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It shear does.  Lots of people think that Mary's famous lamb } was one of those metal-covered sheep, but that was not the } case.  The confusion comes from the fact that she also had } some cattle, one of which was metalic.  Most people have } long forgotten that other verse from the song: } }   Mary had a calf as well }   With fur of shiny steel }   She made a fortune selling it }   As fresh self-canning veal. } } You owe the Oracle one of the beans from Jack's private stock.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ursus in silvis cacatne?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmm..... It appears that the questioner is a bit English-impared. } No, there's a tap on this e-mail line, and this must be a code to } confound the listeners.  Curious, but I do so love a challenge! } } } moose% webster } } Word: ursus } } No definition  for 'ursus'.  Maybe you mean: } }   1. urus                   2. urous } } } } Word: urus } } urus \'yu.r-es\ n } } [L, of Gmc origin; akin to OHG Uro urus, ohso ox -- more at OX] } } (1601) } } :an extinct large long-horned wild ox (Bos primigenius) of the German } }      forests held to be a wild ancestor of domestic cattle } } } } Word: sylvis } } No definition  for 'sylvis'.  Maybe you mean: } }   1. syli } } } } Word: syli } } sy-li \'se^--le^-\  sylis } } [native name in Guinea] } } (1974) } } :the monetary unit of Guinea from 1972 to 1986 } } } } Word: cocatne } } No definition  for 'cocatne'.  Maybe you mean: } }   1. cocaine } } } } Word: cocaine } } co-caine \ko^--'ka^-n, 'ko^--,\ } } :a bitter crystalline alkaloid C17H21NO4 that is obtained from } }      coca leaves, is used as a local anesthetic, can result in } }      psychological dependence, and in large doses produces } }      intoxication like that from hemp } } So our little cryptogram becomes: }   Cattle in money cocaine? }   Money in cocaine cattle? }   Money in cattle cocaine? }   Cocaine money in cattle? } } Ah, now it is clear.  You want to know where to stash the cocaine } money before the DEA raids your farm tomorrow, and asked if the } cattle would be a good place.  No, I'm afraid the DEA will search } the cattle tomorrow.  As a matter of fact, they will search all the } places you're thinking of hiding the money.  I do know where they } they won't search, but since you didn't ask ..... } } You owe the Oracle 30 kilos.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm in love....I'm looking for an origional way to tell her.  Please, > I'm really serious.  I don't want to use the old worn out roses..I > need something origional, witty, and me.  Thanks a bunch.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, here are a few ideas: } } 1.  Chocolate-covered cherries. } 2.  Drive to her house dressed in nothing but Saran wrap, }     and knock on the front door. } 3.  Offer to sell yourself into slavery for her. } 4.  Hold a party.  Act very surprised when she's the only }     one who shows up. } 5.  Homemade cookies. } 6.  Tell her to ask The Usenet Oracle who the love of her }     life is.  (Note:  there's an extra charge for this }     one.) } 7.  Poetry.  Hire a ghost writer if absolutely necessary. } 8.  The old "serenade under her bedroom window" trick. }     Be sure to use a lute, not an electric guitar. } 9.  Give her a baby kitten.  If she's allergic to cats, }     substitute an iguana. } 10. Feign suicidal depression.  Take advantage of her }     sympathy.  (If she doesn't have any sympathy, then }     you're wasting your time anyway.) } } You owe the Oracle your mug shot, with the Saran wrap.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and magnificent Oracle, I have been wondering > about the Inner Workings of things, and there is a > nagging question which has been bothering me for some > time now. > > Is there some unwritten law that says 30% of your > incarnations must quote my questions in their answers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Oh great and magnificent Oracle, I have been wondering } > about the Inner Workings of things, and there is a } > nagging question which has been bothering me for some } > time now. } > } > Is there some unwritten law that says 30% of your } > incarnations must quote my questions in their answers? } } No, I think that some people are just really dumb.  But then } again, the absolute idiocy of people can be proved by the fact } that they come up with consistently unfunny answers.  It seems } that a lot of them don't even try any more.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What IS that stuff that forms on your fingers after eating an entire > jumbo bag of Cheetos? > > PS: I did grovel, but that Cheetos gork got all over the top of the > page so I cut it off. Sorry.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant, }       I being all knowing realize that you indeed tried to type in a } grovel, and I appreciate it. I also realize what a pain gork on the } fingers can be. As a note, the same gork can be obtained from new } Cheester Cheese Dorritos (c). Anyways, it is a little known fact that } bags of Cheetos are the rare fruit of the North American Couch plant. } When you are eating a bag of Cheetos you are enjoying the nectar of } that sweet plant. Another little known fact is that these plants breed } by a remarkable evolutionary process known as trans-pollination. The } gork you described is actually the sperm of the Couch plant, and to } fertilize and reproduce it must be rubbed vigarously on the linings of } the couch plants ovum, or pillows. I hope this helps. Enjoy those } Cheetos. } } You owe the Oracle a big old bag of Gork-free Pork Rinds.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the World Wide Web really a useful resource?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Far more useful than the Usenet O } } HEY!!!! GET AWAY FROM THAT KEYBOARD!!!!!! } } <<*ZOT*>> } } Sorry about that, supplicant.  Just a priest with too much time on } his hands.  Have to keep them busy, you know, otherwise they start } getting uppity. } } But anyway, the Web is helpful on very rare occasions.  For the } main part, though, it's simply a bunch of trivia and games, in an } attractive, glitzy package.  There are much more useful alternatives } on the net, including <ahem> the Usenet Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle a honeydew list for the priests, and a cute } advertising jingle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please send me the dip switch settings for an AST Advantage memory > board.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On and Off.  That was an easy one. } } You owe the Oracle a tough question.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oracle: > >      Your wisdom spreads wider than a rural four lane highway. Please >      share with me a rubber fleck of your unending tire of knowledge. >      >Who called the ambulance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The law firm of Harrison, Whitley, and Morris did.  They were returning } from lunch in their limo and happened to see the accident.  So they } dialed 911 from the limo phone and then cha--FOLLOWED the ambulance to } Jacksonville General Hospital.  Just to see if the injured person was } all right.  Turned out to be a DUI.  So now they're suing the } following: } } 1. NBC, for airing a commercial for Budweiser. } 2. Anheuser-Busch, for manufacturing the beer that led to the injuries. } 3. ABC Liquor, for selling the beer that led to the injuries. } 4. Ekco Cutlery, for manufacturing the bottle opener that allowed the }    beer to be opened. } 5. Continental Glassware, for manufacturing the glass into which the }    beer was poured. } 6. The Dodge division of Chrysler, for not fitting their ignition }    systems with a breathalyzer. } 7. Southern Bell, for putting a telephone pole right next to the road, }    where it could be crashed into. } 8. The Florida Department of Transportation, for building a road that }    was completely unsafe to drive on in a DUI situation. } } So remember, the next time you're in your limousine and see an } accident, do not hesitate to call an ambulance.  It could be extremely } profitable for you and your lawfirm.  A public service message from } the American Bar Association. } } You owe the Oracle a cold one.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle has nothing to ask.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not YOU again! } }                           ***RRRIPP!*** }                                 | } And I was having *such* a       | } good day....                    | }                                 | Hi there, Evil Twin!  How's the }                                 | question-and-answer business? } Gets worse each year, thanks.   | }                                 | Sorry to hear that.  You really }                                 | ought to get out more. } "Get out more"?  I'm stuck here | } answering questions for all     | } eternity, you dork!             | }                                 | Hee hee!  Sorry to remind you. } And you call ME the evil twin.  | }                                 | How's Lisa? } She ran off and married Michael | } Jackson, as you well know.      | }                                 | Oh yes, how silly of me to forget... } Look, did you come here just to | } rub salt in my wounds, or what? | }                                 | Actually, I came to ask a question. } *What?*                         | }                                 | Hey, it's your job, right? } So help me, if your question    | } starts with "How much wood",    | } I'll --                         | }                                 | No, nothing like that. } All right, then, what is it?    | }                                 | What's it like being stuck here for }                                 | time immemorial, forced to answer }                                 | every insipid, pointless question }                                 | that all of humanity has to offer? } ***grrrr...****                 | }                                 | Ha ha! } Actually, it's funny that you   | } should ask me that.             | }                                 | How so? } Because now that you've asked   | } me a question, you owe me       | } something.                      | }                                 | And what might that be? } Eternity.                       | }                                 | Huh? } See ya!                    | }                   |               Hey, now *wait* a minute -- }   | } *pop!* } } Hey! } } Come back here!  You can't *do* this! } } Let me outta here!