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} Hey, buddy, I'm omniscient! That means I know everything. Of course,
} I may not be able to explain it in simple terms... This usually leaves
} me with a couple of options:
}
} 10. The Supplicant-Didn't-Grovel-So-I'll-Weasel-My-Way-Out-Of-This-One
} method.
}
} Hey, where's my grovel? ZOT!
}
} 9. The Blame-It-On-Joel-Furr method.
}
} Hey, only Joel Furr would ask that question! Zot!
}
} 8. The If-I-Split-In-Two-Then-The-Evil-Oracle-Will-Answer-The-Question-
} For-Me-And-I'll-Make-The-Oracularities method.
}
} What a lovely day. I'll just enjoy it and ...
} Hey! What's going on? /
} /-------------/
} /
} Who are you? | It's me, the evil Oracle!
} What's up, evil Oracle? | I'm here to destroy your empire.
} Wanna answer some questions? | What? No... Of course not.
} Seeya! / Where are you going? Come back here!
} /-----------------/
} /
}
} 7. The Star-Trek-Episode method.
}
} KIRK: It... looks... like... a... question...
} SCOTTY: No more questions, Cap'n. We don't have the power.
} BONES: Dammit, Jim. I'm a doctor, not an Oracle.
} SPOCK: Hey Uhura... That's a sexy dress. Wanna go back to my place
} and watch a movie or something?
} UHURA: Groovy.
}
} 6. The Have-Sex-With-Lisa-To-Make-The-Supplicant-Forget-The-Question
} method.
}
} ORACLE: Hey Lise... That's a sexy dress. Wanna go back to my place
} and watch a movie or something?
} LISA: Groovy.
} <cue bass guitar, fade to bedroom, turn on mood lights>
}
} 5. The Top-Ten-List method.
}
} This method is usually chosen when the Oracle has way too much time on
} his hands. It almost always implies the Oracle hasn't gotten anything
} from Lisa for a long time...
}
} 4. The Alien-Language or CIA-Secret or Capn-Crunch-Decoder-Ring method.
}
} Let's see... If I take the ascii representation fo each letter, add
} them up, multiply by x, integrate with respect to time, divide by y,
} take the square root, convert to Japanese, convert back to ascii, and
} reverse every other letter, I get: "What is your favorite color?"
}
} The answer is, of course, blue. No... yellow.
}
} 3. The America-Online method.
}
} > The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
} >
} > > All mighty Oracle! Who knows our thoughts before we think them; who
} > > sees our actions before we perform them; who always knows what to
} > > say when stuck in a difficult situation - please tell me this:
} > >
} > > Who do you ask when you have a question that you don't know the
} > > answer to?
}
} GEE I DONT KNOW WHY R U ASKING ME ANYWAYS GO ASK SOMEONE ELSE
} YOU OWE THE ORACLE THE LOCATION OF SOME DIRTY GIFS SEND THE LOCATION
} TO ME AT BIFF@AOL.COM OR CALL ME AT 415-555-6534
}
} 2. The Poetry method.
}
} Roses are red,
} Violets are blue,
} you gave a grovel,
} I'm proud of you.
}
} Your question is bad,
} it raises doubt.
} That is something
} I'll do without.
}
} And now I must go,
} cause Lisa looks hot.
} For doubting my smarts,
} you get a *ZOT*.
}
} 1. The I've-Spent-Way-Too-Much-Time-On-This-Answer-So-I'll-Just-Write-
} Something-Down-Really-Quick-And-It'll-Suck-But-Who-Cares-Anymore
} method.
}
} True.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new girlfriend. I haven't gotten anything from
} Lisa for a long time...
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