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} You want the short answer or the long answer?
}
} The short answer is: "You can't!" ** ZOT **
}
} *sigh*
}
} Look, how about if I tell you about me and woodchucks? Then maybe
} you'll understand my revulsion and stop pestering me with this
} particular question all the time. But you must promise to keep this
} just between the two of us -- if it became general knowledge, my
} reputation would be shot.
}
} It all started many centuries ago, when I was a young and naive
} immortal, newly embarked on the career of Oracle...
}
} [The screen begins to waver, and violins play eerily in the background
} as we enter flashback mode]
}
} CAESAR: What sayest thou to us, augurer?
}
} ORACLE: Er, hmm... say, do you fancy using tarot cards instead? They're
} always good for a laugh.
}
} CAESAR: Fear not to speak plainly. The things that threaten'd us ne'er
} looked but on our back; when they shall see the face of Caesar, they
} are vanished. Dangers are to us indifferent. I'faith, danger knows
} full well that Caesar is more dangerous than he. So speak!
}
} ORACLE: How 'bout I-ching?
}
} CAESAR: Nay! Pluck the entrails of this offering forth and give us your
} opinion on't! When Caesar says "Do this!" it is perform'd.
}
} ORACLE: Well, I'll be frank with you, Jules. There's nothing I can say.
} You see, this here sacrificial woodchuck's got no entrails to pluck
} forth.
}
} CAESAR: An unnatural and most uncanny portent!
}
} ORACLE: Nah, no need to get your toga in a twist. All it means is I
} can't give you a prediction. Nothing to go on, y'see. No entrails, no
} answer. Nix. Nada. El zippo. Total blankness. Sorry and all that.
}
} CAESAR: Thou wilt not prophesy? Then art thou a sorry soothsayer, full
} of sound and fury, signifying nothing! Caesar shall go forth!
}
} ORACLE: Okay, okay! Don't get mad and start slipping into Macbeth! Tell
} you what I'll do, Jules. As it's you, I'll open up another woodchuck,
} no extra charge. Two for the price of one! Can't say fairer than
} that, can I? Zadoc! Hoi, ZADOC!!
}
} [Enter Zadoc the Priest, on his knees as custom demands]
}
} ZADOC: You yelled, O Semperprocognitive One?
}
} ORACLE: We need another woodchuck pronto -- this one's got no entrails.
}
} ZADOC: No entrails! An unnatural and most uncanny --
}
} ORACLE: Don't you start! Just fetch another one.
}
} ZADOC: At once, Master! Where shall I --
}
} ORACLE: Don't dither, fool! The customer is waiting!
}
} [Exit Zadoc the Priest, with as much alacrity as can be summoned by one
} shuffling everywhere on his knees. Caesar paces restlessly]
}
} ORACLE [grinning weakly]: No entrails -- what a thing, eh? No wonder he
} had a lean and hungry look. Ha ha ha, that's a joke, Jules! Lean and
} hungry, geddit? Erm, oh well, suit yourself... [relapses into an
} uncomfortable silence]
}
} CAESAR: Methinks we should take our custom elsewhere...
}
} ZADOC [re-entering at speed]: Here's another woodchuck!
}
} ORACLE: Quick, give it here! Hang about, Jules -- this won't take a
} sec.
}
} WOODCHUCK: Squeak! Squeak! Sque-AWKK!!!
}
} ORACLE: Hah -- look at that! More entrails than you can shake a stick
} at! Told you it'd be okay this time.
}
} CAESAR: Then prophesy, and stand not on ceremonies -- Caesar is turn'd
} to hear.
}
} ORACLE: It says "Beware the Ides of March".
}
} CAESAR: 'Tis now November.
}
} ORACLE: Well, there you go then! No probs, eh?
}
} CAESAR: This way hast thou well expounded it. We are passing pleased,
} soothsayer.
}
} ORACLE: Glad to be of service, Jules. Pay at the cash desk on the way
} out. Have a nice day.
}
} [Exeunt Caesar and Zadoc the Priest. The Oracle studies the second
} deceased rodent. A puzzled expression gradually creeps across his
} sagacious features]
}
} ORACLE: ZADOC!! Get in here, you baboon!
}
} ZADOC [re-re-entering]: You yelled yet another time, O Ye of the
} Titanium Lined Lungs?
}
} ORACLE: Where did you get this woodchuck?
}
} ZADOC: Er, from the blue cages, Master.
}
} ORACLE [horrified]: The *blue* cages!
}
} ZADOC [cringing]: Master, y-you said --
}
} ORACLE: You gimboid! You pismire! You worse than senseless thingy! The
} woodchucks in the blue cages won't be ready for another four months!
} Wait a minute... four months? Ides of March? Ides of *November*! Oh
} *NO*! Zadoc, where's Caesar?
}
} ZADOC: H-he just left on his way to the Senate --
}
} ORACLE: SHIT!! We'll ever catch him now! Er... he *did* pay, didn't he?
}
} ZADOC: Yes, I think so...
}
} ORACLE [shrugging his shoulders glumly]: Oh well, I guess the day isn't
} a complete write-off then.
}
} [The screen goes wavy again. Flashback mode ends]
}
} You owe the Oracle a woodchuck haggis. And remember, not a word to
} anyone.
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