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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, oh oracle, whose hair is really pretyy, > > How?  How can I be like Kip?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, articulate  supplicant, } } When I first received this question, I assumed that you were just } another clueless supplicant who mistyped a question. "Kip" is just } not a word used in everyday talk. However, I looked it up in my } Funk & Wagnalls, and, sure enough, there it is: } } Kip, n.: A small bundle of animal hides, esp. from small animals. } } My apologies for assuming your ignorance. You must actually } have a vocabulary superior to most of your mortal friends. } } At any rate, to your question: The answer should be obvious. } Find yourself a cheese slicer - you know, the kind with } the wire and the yellow roller. Hold it in your left hand, and place } it on the outside of your right arm just below your shoulder. } Pressing hard, run it down your arm to the elbow. This should } neatly remove a quarter-inch thick layer of dermis. Lay the } piece out on a table, draw an outline of a selected small } animal as it appears in pelt form, and use an Exacto knife } to cut the removed skin into the outlined shape. Discard the } excess. Cut a two-foot length of string, and lay it on the table. } Lay the newly-created pelt on the middle of the string. } Repeat this several times, using different parts of your body, } until you have a small pile of pelts in the middle of the string. } Now, lift both ends of the string, bring them together over the pile, } and tie them in a knot, creating a bundle. You are now like Kip. } } You owe the Oracle a LOT of aloe vera lotion.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wondrous Oracle who always looks both ways before crossing the > street... > > Could you please tell me why my dad's dress socks > all have green toe seams? > > Thank you

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant, } } It's a little known fact that socks had a complex society and a } vibrant culture until they were usurped by human beings. You can } prove this for yourself by observing all the myriad ways in which } socks express their innermost feelings. However, among dress socks, } the female of the species always had a green toe seam. } } But to cut a long story short, as part of the ruthless destruction } of the sock way of life, humans have banished all the male socks } to a different dimension (somewhere behind the washing machine, } generally speaking), to prevent the socks from breeding and putting } cotton companies out of business.  So dress socks, like all the } others you may have, are all female, and thus invariably have a } green toe seam. } } This sock-apartheid also explains why socks sometimes just seem to } vanish, leaving behind single bereaved siblings, the so-called } "odd" sock.  These fortunate socks have been snatched back by the } males from the washing-machine dimension, where they take part in } a great plan to produce a great invasion army of whole socks to } reclaim the world from the human usurpers. } } I am reliably informed that the day of the socks will soon be upon } us. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of Birkenstocks.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, buddy, what's that yer drinkin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Announcer Voice ON> } } It's the new and improved FireWater from Marlan Breweries.  Are you } tired of flat, tastless beer?  Do you have trouble getting drunk? } Are you looking for excitement in your drinking?  If so, then the new } and improved FireWater is for you!  With many new ingredients, } including tabasco and tobacco, FireWater's got a kick like a mule. } } FireWater.  Goes down quick and comes up quicker. } } <Announcer Voice OFF> } } You owe the Oracle a hangover cure.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, oracle, burning bright, in the forests of the night, what > immortal hand or eye could frame thy fearful symmetry? > > In what language, exactly, does 'eye' rhyme with 'symmetry'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In binary.  Allow me to illustrate: } } The word "eye" translated into binary is: } 011001010111100101100101 } } The word "symmetry" translated into binary is: } 0111001101111001011011010110110101100101011101000111001001111001 } } As you can see, they rhyme quite nicely. } } You owe the Oracle a pocket hex-to-octal converter and a green pen.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ObGrovel:  Oh, Great One, whose very existence enlightens us all, > > How does a doctor determine if his patient has Cronic Fatigue Syndrome? > I mean, don't we all have reoccuring and unavoidable episodes of > fatigue? > > *yawn*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "ObGrovel"? "Cronic"? } } Listen, supplicant, there is a *big* difference between fatigue and } plain laziness! Not to mention the condition known as "brain dead". } } Still, I'll assume that you were just too tired to proof-read your } question before you sent it. } } To test if a patient is chronically fatigued or simply lazy, place him } in a comfortable chair with his feet on a stool. The room should have } subdued lighting and be comfortably warm. Soothing music should be } played low in the background. } } In the middle of the room, at least 20 feet from the chair, should be } placed the following objects: } } (1) a large glass of the subject's favorite beer } (2) a 486 PC with the opening screen of "Doom II (Knee-Deep In the }       Dead)" displayed, and with a state-of-the-art game toggle attached } (3) a large black box with a red button attached, with a label on it }       stating "WARNING: Pressing This Button Will Cause All Software }       Engineers Who Developed Windows95 To Be Instantly Incinerated!" } } If the subject gets up and drinks (1), plays with (2) and presses (3), } he is normal. } } If the subject gets up and only drinks (1) and presses (3), he is } lazy. } } If the subject gets up and only presses (3), he is chronically } fatigued. } } If the subject does not take advantage of the opportunity to even press } (3), he is brain-dead. } } You owe the Oracle a large bottle of vitamins.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moon light?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, as a matter of fact, I have.  I found him to be a moderately } proficient dancing partner, although he lacked grace on certain } high-clipped pair-waltz steps. } } You owe the Oracle a flap-ball-change.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most magnificent and enduring, scion of seers, thou whoest seeest deep > into the hearts and minds of mere mortal beings, please hear my > question, and deign to bestow upon this most humble supplicant, a > hearty dosage of thy wisdom. > > Which should I choose, paper or plastic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     <The Oracle, dressed in deep-blue robes that have little illos of } Bill and Opus all over them, smiles appreciatively at your } well-executed grovel>. } } >> Which should I choose, paper or plastic? } }     I assume, supplicant, that you are asking about the bags dispensed } in stupormarkets all over the country. Verily I answer unto thee, that } when asked 'Paper or plastic,' thou should say but one word; yes. } }     Not only will this serve to confuse the poor, defenseless bagger at } the base of the checkstand, and render you much amusement from their } resultant expression, but it will also be correct in the technical } sense. For I have discovered that even the paper bags used in today's } stores have at least a ten-percent plastic content. } }     Go forth, and spread this joyous news. You owe the Oracle a roll of } Saran Wrap (the heavy-duty variety).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We here at Oracle Labs(tm) are trying out a new olfactory answering } system. This is the first in a series of "Scratch-and-Sniff" Oracular } replies. } } For best performance, it is preferable that you be surrounded by a } group of people you want to impress. } } Well, here goes "Oracular Scratch-and-Sniff Test #1" } } /-----------------------------------\ } |                                   | } |              Scratch              | } |              here for             | } |                your               | } |               answer              | } |                                   | } \-----------------------------------/ } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Calvin Klein's Obsession for Prophetic } Deities(tm).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are blueprints blue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Perhaps you've heard the story about why old computers use only capital } letters -- it was decided to save money by only including one case on } print chains, they ran some tests and concluded that lowercase was more } legible and therefore should be the one used, and then some suit } pointed out that } }       "If you include only lowercase, it would be impossible to spell }        the name of the Deity correctly." } } So for twenty years or so, computers used exclusively uppercase. } } There's a similar story about blueprints.  Engineers always used to } design things in many colors, because that made reading the designs } easier. When blueprint machines were first invented, they could } reproduce in all colors, because the originals were multicolored. } Unfortunately, those machines were very expensive.  The company that } made them decided that they would sell more if they cut out the } multicolor feature, because then they could cut their costs by 75% and } therefore reduce the price by about half. } } So they asked a bunch of engineers what color they would like to see } single-color replications of their designs be, and most said "Black on } white" because that's more readable than anything else.  So they were } going to make the new machines print in black on white, and then some } suit said } }       "If there were no blue, it would be impossible to reproduce IBM's }        logo correctly." } } And from that day on, blueprints have been blue. } } You owe the Oracle a plotter.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise who can probably do adding and take aways in his > head:- > > Will Amerika really go bust this time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Omnipresence can be useful for accounting purposes. I can access every } item of monetary data on the planet, from the largest corporate } accounts to the contents of a child's piggy-bank. } } If you add up all the assets of the USA and subtract all the debts the } net result is $3.57. The issue is that Congress and Clinton can't } decide how to spend the $3.57 (Macdonalds or Burger King?), and so have } filed for insolvency. } } Interestingly $3.57 is the exact amount of cash that would be required } to buy enough Cyanide to wipe out the lot of them. } } You owe the Oracle a non-cynical perspective of 90's American } Government.