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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Are You a Poet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't you know it? } I can rhyme it, time it, sign it, even flow it! } I write sonnets to the lasses } wearing bonnets with cute ... faces } I write epics, tales of heroes, } dragon slayers, and yes, some zeros, } tales of romance, strength and valor } but I don't sing in the shower. } While I stretch sometimes for rhyming, } and quite often lose my timing, } I very rarely ever really blow it. } } You owe the Oracle an english textbook.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who knows more than even Mikey, > > Who will win the Stanley Cup this year - Calgary or Toronto? > > Your humble supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I just got off the phone with a very upset Stanley, who was dumbfounded } that a total stranger (despite being the Usenet Oracle) would ask him } about his protective gear. His confusion turned to rage when I } mentioned that two entire Canadian cities were interested in obtaining } it. } } I guess your answer would have to be "neither." Besides, wouldn't a } small maple leaf have to be embroidered on the, um, trophy before being } imported? } } You owe the Oracle Wayne Gretsky's socks.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, this morning I saw a car with > the license tag "ICU-812".  Is this one of those custom > tags, and if so, what is this person trying to say?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the grovel was less than superior, but, If I *zot* you for it, } I'll get raped by the maniacs on rec.humor.oracle.d, so I'll just } answer your question. } } In the state of Missouri, every motorist who kills someone with their } vehicle must change their license plate to represent the place where } their victim died.  This persons victim died in Cox Hospital Intensive } Care Unit Floor 8 Room 12.  Hope this answers your question, and if you } see this guy again, steer clear. } } You owe the Oracle a license plate for my 1998 Ford Explorer Oracle } Limited(tm) that says "EAT ME."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh mighty oracle who is the most essential part of any Goverment, due > to the Gov. Shutdown, only the essential part of the Gov. is still > working, then why is Bill Clinton not been asked to ste[ down untill a > budget is passed? and why dosn't my spell checker work

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow!  That's a tough one; no doubt, you're not the only one who wants } to know. } }  Let me put it this way: do YOU want to see Hillary in charge? } }  ...How about Newt?  Never trust a man named after a small lizard. } }  And as for your spell checker, the problems of DOS machines are }  beneath me. (I'm sitting on them so I can see over the pile of }  e-mail.) } }  You owe the Oracle a taller chair, a dictionary, and an essential } bureaucrat.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle who knows all the questions in anticipation of their > being asked, how do you expect me to believe that 'The Usenet Oracle > has no questions to ask?'

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Worm!  How dare you question the infinite, eternity-spanning } clairvoyance of the Oracle? } The Oracle has no expectations.  It knows. } In our ocean of grace, a drop of which would drown you and all of your } people, past, present, and future, we can find the generosity to } bless you with an answer. } } Hear me now and believe me later: } } In the back of a renovated general store in Mobile, Alabama, there } is a locked utility closet.  The key was left on the bumper of a } pickup truck in 1988 during a tire change, and was transported } to Maryland, where it fell off three feet from the border of } Anne Arundel county.  There it sits, and the closet has remained } locked ever since.  In the back of the closet, hidden in darkness, } is a broken floorboard.  This floorboard looks down into a } partition of the cellar which was separated from the rest of the } subterranian storeroom by the owner of the general store in } 1954.  The partition was plastered over to mimic the other walls } of the cellar and has gone undiscovered since the store changed } hands in 1978.  In the partitioned-off cellar sits a 1919 roll-top } accountant's desk.  Inside this desk is a 7 by 10 grid of cubby- } holes.  These cubbyholes once contained urgent letters from } investors and bank directors in Chicago, but when the } accounting business went bankrupt in 1932, a relative of the } previous general store owner bought the desk in an auction } and emptied it of its contents. } The cubbyholes now contain 3x5 cards with the answers to every } question in the universe.  The accounting business in Chicago } went bankrupt because their main accountant disappeared } with a large sum of money.  He was eaten by a Shuggoth.  We } struck a trade with the Shuggoth for the accountant's spectral } body.  He now sits before the desk in the cellar partition of hte } the general store in Mobile, Alabama, pulling the notecards of } universal knowledge out of the seventy cubbyholes. } On his last notecard was printed, "the supplicant believes that } 'The Usenet Oracle has no questions to ask.'" } That is how we know you believe.  We expect nothing of you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear oracle: > >       some people call them age spots- > >               I call them ugly. > > What's a woman to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take a deep breath and apologize.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      I'm good enough >      I'm smart enough >      And Doggone it, people like me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Such egoism and narcissm angers the Oracle, but he will answer } nonetheless. } } You're not good enough.  If you were good enough, you wouldn't have } taken 2nd place in that Pinewood Derby competition back in '75, when } you were a boy scout. } } You're not smart enough.  As the Oracle peruses your permanent } record, we find that your standardized testing, as far back as the 2nd } grade, predicted you would either be an elevator operator or a member } of congress, both of which require only an IQ of 23. } } Doggone it, the Oracle is looking at a printout listing everyone who } likes you, and, though it may pain you to admit it, the only ones on } the list is yourself, your goldfish, and your mom [though she seems to } be waffling]. } } You owe the Oracle a self-help bumper sticker.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, if you were a potato, which one would you be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   If I could be an Idaho russet potato }   What a Idaho russet potato I would be }   And any time a farmer tried to dig up my fine potato }   >>*ZOT*<<  Soon he would be ashy fertilizer for me. } }   Soon I'd be a whole path of Idaho russet potato }   Covering square miles on a farm }   Deep in the centre of rural Idaho }        And any time a weed or other pest }        Would my patch try to infest }   A >>*ZOT*<< would keep me from harm. } }   Soon all of Idaho State }   Would be under my control }   And all before my path would know my fate }   Was to grow and grow and grow. } }   After years all of the Americas }   Will be covered by my potato patch }   Then even more diabolical plans }   I will begin to hatch! } } You owe the Oracle some Miracle-GRO.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <html> > <head> > <title>Usenet Oracle Query</title> > </head> > <body> > <h1>Grovel</h1> > Oh magnificent Oracle who > <ul> > <li>can surf the net with unlimited bandwidth > <li>knows that &ltP&gt is a container > <li>is never "under construction" > </ul> > <h1>Question</h1> > Will all correspondence one day be written in HTML? > <address> > A. Supplicant > </address>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} \documentstyle{letter} } \newcommand{\orrie}{${\cal O}$racle} } \newcommand{\TUO}{${\cal T}$he ${\cal U}$senet \orrie} } \name{\TUO} } \address{\TUO \\ }          oracle@cs.indiana.edu} } \signature{\TUO} } \begin{document} } \begin{letter}{A. Supplicant} } \opening{Dear supplicant,} } Given that } \begin{itemize} } \item you groveled nicely, } \item I'm in good mood } \end{itemize} } I will gladly answer your query. \par } No, HTML will never be used for correspondence. } \LaTeX\ is the way to go. } \closing{Sincerly,} } \ps{PS: You owe the \orrie\ the latest version of Netscape.} } \end{letter} } \end{document}

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Moooo!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   It's good to see that not all of our bovine friends out there are not } being snatched up by those clods at McDonalds and, more impressively, } that some of them have actually found keyboards big enough to access } the internet and communicate with the Oracle. } }   To answer your question, Bessie, a warm solution of a mild soap and } water will take care of the problem.  Rub it on your udder each morning } and night, and towel dry.  Apply an antibiotic cream, such as } "Neosporin" and cover with a sterile bandage.  If the rash isn't gone } in another week or so, ask for a day off from the dairy farm and go see } a veterinarian. } }   And next time, don't do everything the bull says, alright? } }   You owe the Oracle your next born, ground up, and basted over a } medium flame, with everything but tomatoes.