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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tellme > > Oh mighty Oracle, who knows the count of the sparrows in the field, > who recalls the lyrics to every Monkeys song, whose dandruff I am > unworthy of brushing, please tell me, > > Do you know any cow jokes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, one of my bovine suplicants was just teling this one: } } Moooo mmMuuOOu moouoo <belch>  Mo Mu  <chew, chew>  MuUu MruoumoO } } I apologize to any sheep out there who were offended by that bit about } the lambskin.  No use complaining though... I know you have just as } many jokes about the cows that you tell at the other end of the } pasture. } } Before you ask... no, the regurgitation is considered to be a } completely natural aspect of life to a cow.  It was not meant to gross } anyone out. } } You owe the Oracle a better digestive system.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HELP!!  I APPEAR TO BE PREGNANT!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alright, alright.  Calm down.  I'll help you, but you must read this } very carefully and do everything I tell you, OK? } } First, sit down at your computer.  Look down at your computer keyboard. } See that button labeled "Caps Lock"?  I want you to take the finger of } your choice and press it firmly, and then release.  There.  That's } better. Good.  You're doing real good. } } Now, here's a quick questionaiire to determine the validity of your } concern.  If you can truthfully answer "No" to any of these questions, } you are NOT pregnant: } } 1.  Are you a sexually mature female? } 2.  Have you had sex with a sexually mature human male? } 3.  Was it good?  Can you send me some encoded MPEGS of it to }     BiffStud@aol.com?  Wait.  Sorry.  You can disregard that last }     question.  I've had too many incarnations from @AOL.com recently. } } Your next step is a pregnancy test: } Go get a rabbit from the petstore.  Stick it in a cage and let it have } plenty of exposure to you for about a week.  I can't really explain the } intricacies of the procedure to you, but if it dies, you're pregnant. } } OK, so it's looking more and more like you may be pregnant.  Here's } what you want to do, in no particular order: } } I.  Go out and buy a house in the suburbs, quit school/work, and look } into leasing a "Volvo" stationwagon. } } II.  Start boiling sheets and ripping water into strips.  Or vice } versa.  I forget.  This may sound premature, but trust me when I say } you can't have enough hot, wet, torn, sheets around if you're gonna } have a baby. } } III.  This is very important:  Go out right now and start researching a } pre-pre-preschool for the little blessing to attend so that as soon as } he pops out of you, you can have one quick look at his little purple, } smooshed head before he's whisked off to this school.  It needs to be a } good one, because you can't get into the best pre-preschools unless you } have the proper background, and I don't have to tell you what that } means. } } IV.  Buy a videocamera.   Tape every breathing second of the little } tyke his first few months on Earth, but after that, simply take a } snapshot every few years. } } There.  See?  Everything's going to be juuuust fine. } } You owe the Oracle a pack of Trojans.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I here at 00:13 in the morning when I should be tucked up in > bed, the assignment I'm typing up doesn't have to be in for another 3 > weeks and the chocolate machine is out of order?? > Why????? > > ps please don't *zot* me, I'm too tired

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have no fear, you look like you've been through enough.  I'm sure you } look OK when you've had enough sleep and study time, but right now, } *zotting* would probably be an improvement. } } [Thinks for a moment, smiles wisely, beams himself into the } Supplicant's dorm room, and reassuringly pats the Supplicant's } shoulder] } } You're not really here--it's just a bad dream.  Kind of like the old } "You're taking a final exam, and you know zilch about the subject, and } you'll be expelled if you flunk--and by the way, you're naked" dream } that haunts you for decades after graduation. } } Well, in real life, you *have* graduated from college, and you're a } successful computer wizard.  Make that *really* successful.  Actually, } you just bought out Bill Gates, and you're worn out from all the press } conferences and interviews with _Time_, _Newsweek_, _Wall Street } Journal_, and _Fortune_.  That's why you're dreaming all those strange } dreams. } } [Gently guides Supplicant away from computer, then tucks Supplicant and } Supplicant's teddy bear into bed] Now you just dream yourself back into } bed and get some rest, OK?  [Orrie hums soothing lullaby until } Supplicant is snoring away, then beams himself back to his office.  An } Apprentice Incarnation who has been watching the whole proceedings } asks:] } } Apprentice:  Um...master?  I thought the Supplicant really *is* still } in school...or did I miss something? } Oracle:  You're right.  On the other hand, it *is* 00:13 in the } morning, and the Supplicant *should* be tucked up in bed, and the } assignment *isn't* due for another 3 weeks, and the chocolate machine } *is* out of order.  One night of normal sleep isn't going to hurt the } assignment...and besides, the Supplicant will assume that the Bill } Gates thing was just a dream, and a good bizarre dream can be a } wonderful restorative for the spirit... } } You owe the Oracle a hot mug of peppermint tea, since the chocolate } machine's down.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <gasping for air> Orrie! I need your help! They're after me! I don't > think they saw me sneak into this computer lab, but they could come and > get me at any second. Please, Orrie, tell me who they are and what they > want before they manage to fifjdksla;f > > Please ignore this question. There is nothing wrong, no reason to be > alarmed. Sorry for the inconvenience.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, wait a second.  YOU'RE not my supplicant.  You can't pull a fast } one on me!  I'm the Oracle!  Now give me that supplicant back so he can } finish his question before I Zot the he-0oe893ijlkk } } Never mind that last paragraph.  This is the Oracle speaking. } I feel better now.  Muuuuch better.  Expect an answer in a day or two. } } All of my supplicants owe the Oracle a good night's sleep, followed by } donations of many pods which will be given to my loyal priests, as } presents.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a rock is falling a billion miles an hour straight down, why is the > dog still barking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, that dog happens to be Lassie.  She's _trying_ to tell } you that Timmy needs to be rescued from the tree he's stuck in. } Seems Timmy went bear-hunting with a slingshot again, and the bear } didn't like it much. } } Furthermore, Lassie has such keen eyesight that she can see that that } falling rock is going to score a direct hit on the tree, which is } even more amazing considering that the rock is moving at 1.5 times } the speed of light.  Dogs have a keen sense for that sort of thing, } you know, by the same principle that allows them to hear frequencies } that humans can't. } } Unfortunately, you couldn't figure all of that out quickly enough, } and now there's a 10-mile deep crater where the tree, and the bear, } and Timmy used to be.  Typical mortal.  Maybe if you'd taken just } a little extra time for a decent grovel, I might have helped out, } but no, you were too busy staring at the dog. } } Of course, Lassie isn't concerned; she doesn't have to keep watching } out for the little brat anymore.  She just ran off at 0.75 times } the speed of light so she'll be on time for that hot date she } had set up with Scooby-Doo. } } You owe the Oracle two Scooby-Snacks.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Howdy ! > > Oh wise , allknowing oracle , please tell me: Why do I have a stunning > disregard to the english rules of grammar ?? damm > >                                                 -peter

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      "Why can't the English teach their children how to speak?" }                                 -Rex Harrison }                                  MY FAIR LADY } }      "The leg, she is fracture," Tom said in broken English. } } The reason for your disregard is simple.  English HAS no rules, just } vague suggestions.  Unlike the Germans, who have rules for everything, } and the French, who, last I heard, were giving customs officials } special training on keeping English words from being smuggled into } their language, the English have never been able to impose a coherent } set of rules on their tongue.  In fact, most of England's overseas } troubles have been due to the chaotic English language.  Julius Caesar } oversaw the Roman invasion of Britain largely because he couldn't stand } to see a people without ablative absolutes.  The Jutes, Angles, Saxons, } Danes, and other invaders of the early Medieval period went to war } largely in frustration over being unable to spell anything in Celtic } tongues (the original "British" later became the Welsh, so the } invaders' frustration may perhaps be understood).  The Norman invasion } of 1066 (and, in fact, the whole French-British rivalry) was motivated } largely by the Normans' determination to force the Britains into a } consistent pluralization scheme.  Neville Chamberlain failed to prevent } WWII as the result of an ambiguous antecedent in his agreement with } Hitler, and one of Ghandi's desires was that his countrymen could live } in a nation where the word "fish" could not be spelled "ghoti" (since } Ghandi was a vegetarian, his motivation remains obscure).  In countries } all over the world, Englisspeakers are disliked not for their manners, } but for their adamant refusal to make any sense.  The Oracle suggests } for your own safety that you switch to Cantonese or Italian for } everyday conversation. } } You owe the Oracle the BBC World Service.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me oracle, do islands float?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Japan great island } It floats like a simile } Inside metaphor } } Answer was cloudy } Because of your non-grovel } (Next comes the monsoon)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I tried to have sex with that little hole in the middle of the CD and > now I'm stuck!!  Help!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, dear, you've certainly done it now, Supplicant. Luckily } for you, I have a friend who can help you out. Just hold on } tight, and I'll give her a call. } }       > Hey, Lorenna, are you busy? I've got another }       > customer for you. } } You owe the Oracle..., never mind. You're already going to } pay enough.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> where is my cat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I warned you, Herr Schroedinger, if you went looking for your cat, } she would start moving around.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Good, with powers more full than Newt himself, > and larger than Bill's craving for Mickey D's french fries, please > answer my plea: > >         I saw a sign standing in the middle of a large open field, >         and it read "Lots For Sale".  But I saw nothing there to >         buy...what does it all mean? > >         Your humble supplicant *grovel, grovel*....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Grovel Grovel (funny name for a supplicant, but hey its the 90s): } Indeed, there are many possible interpretations to the sign depending } on the particular grammatical error the signmaker may have made: } } Lots for sale:  many things available to be purchased.  Note the sign } doesn't have to say WHERE these things are.  It could have been } referring to a mall down the road, or perhaps to a restaurant that had } gone out of business. } } Lots for sale:  Lot may have turned to prostitution to make ends meet, } and is now selling himself to the highest bidder on some tawdry street } corner. }  Note that this is strictly a misuse of the word sale--for rent would } be more appropriate. } } Lots for sale:  The signmaker may have been a deranged shopper with } lots to spend at the right sale } } Lots for sale:  The signmaker could have been making a political } statement that Mr. (or Ms.) Lot is in favor of Mr. (or Ms.) Sale in the } next election. (in which case, Newt may be in trouble. . ."Back of the } plane, Mister!") } } Lots for sale: the landowner may have been proposing to subdivide his } (or her) property and sell the sub-parcels at greatly inflated prices } to the highest bidder. } } Grovel Grovel, you owe the Oracle one Happy Meal.  ONE VERRRRRRY HAPPY }  MEAL! It better be dancing and singing its so darned happy.