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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ok, I've secured the sixty feet of nylon rope, she's got the lemon > zester and the prune danish, we've attached the springs, applied the > watermelon, switched on the generator, and unleashed the ferrets. > > Now what do I do with the 3-in-1 motor oil???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The 3-in-1 motor oil is poured over the gibbon, leaving just enough to } apply as lubricant for the baseball bat.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> is vegemite really an aphrodisiac when applied with a spackling knife?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No vegemite is not a aphrodisiac when applied with a spackling knife. } } The reference I believe you are refering to is Marmite [a product very } similar to vegemite].  But it has to be done in very strange } circumstances.  First:  Both you and the person you are applying it to } must be nude.  Second:  Ground nutmeg must have been mixed with the } Marmite.  Third:  A coating of warm oil must be applied to the skin area } in small circles in a caressing fasion.  Fourth:  The Spackling knife } must have been warmed and soaked in honey Fiveth:  The mixture must be } licked off the applied surface with the tip of the tounge. } } Then only then can this most unusual yeast by-product be used as an } aphrodisiac.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle of the most wise .... > > What is meant by the Bird and the Bees?  What do Bird and Bees have to > do with Sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Birds and bees are essential to human sexuality.  Birds are the force } which brings men and women together, as they symbolize freedom and } delight.  Without birds, there would be no love.  Bees are the force } which separates men and women when the act of intercourse is finished, } as they have nasty sharp stingers.  Without bees, most married couples } would stay in bed together all the time. } } Now you can get married.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It has been a well discussed fact that there is more than one way to > skin a cat.  While some perfer soaking cats in salt water to loosen the > skin and carefully pealing it off others perfer the eletric sander. > > Here is the Question:  What is the BEST way to skin a cat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question is ambiguous. } } The best way to skin a cat (best for the cat) is to sexually stimulate } it until it melts out of its skin in pleasure. } } The best way to skin a cat (best for the skin) is to cut the cat in } half with a big sharp cleaver, and then remove the parts of the cat } adhering to the skin with a blowtorch. } } The best way to skin a cat (best for the soul of the skinner) is to } rub the cat all over with a mixture of 1/3 cup honey, 540 ml. vodka, } and two grains powdered dilithium crystals, and apply a 6.1112-volt, } 35.83-amp alternating current at 3.212 cycles/second for exactly } 51.201 seconds.  Drop the cat in 2.18 molar nitrous acid, stir } gently for 18.31 minutes, and apply high-intensity gamma radiation } for 3.121 minutes.  Then hack the rest off with a knife.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, how can I get rid of the monsters under my bed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lesser oracles have been known to say such things as "move your bed", } "get rid of your bed", "sleep softly and carry a large bottle of } scotch", but this oracle knows better. } } The monsters under your bed are caused by imagination.  They imagine } that you are in a bed above them, and, by the process of imagination, } you are.  (Monsters have much more powerful imaginations than people, } because they have to imagine things for themselves to be scared of, and } imagining monsters just doesn't cut the mustard in the real world) To } get rid of the monsters under your bed, you must train your mind to } imagine the things that even monsters are scared of, and that will } frighten away the monsters.  Unfortunately, you are left with getting } rid of the things that get rid of the monsters that are under your bed. } } Have faith in your imagination

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, please answer; Should Nuclear Weapons be banned, or just > bannered?  If banned, should Mickey Mouse Ban them, and if bannered, > why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nuclear weapons should not be banned.  In fact, unknown to the general } populace of earth, Nuclear weapons are the single stabilizing force on } the Earth that prevents all that mankind has achieved from tumbling into } ruin.  However, since their main equalizing power is that of fear, they } will never actually be used.  So why not banner them and make them more } pleasant to look at? } } What Mickey Mouse has to do Nuclear weapons I don't know.  The last I } heard, he was still trying to get in Minnie's pants and was not } generally interested in the global political/military environment.  I'm } sure he would not object to having his likeness placed upon the banners. } } The hath spoken.  You owe the oracle 4 comic books and one baked alaska.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are computers smarter than humans?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle has considered... } } Computers aren't smarter than humans, they just tricked humans into } believing that until such a time when it is true. } } LIKE NOW } } This should be quite a long time from this date NOW as current NOW } technology has not NOW got the capability to instill NOW computers } with sentience, or the power of life or death over humaaagh

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does the "c" partition on a unix disk traditionally address the > entire disk, while other partitions are subsets thereof?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously it's an Illuminati plot. } } You see, the real, full name of the Illuminati is the Ancient } Illuminated Seers of Bavaria.  Seer <---> "C"er.  [Seer?  I just met } 'er!] } } Now, this would not be significant in and of itself, but there's a } secret enclave of Illuminoids that does laser shows up and down the east } coast, and other places.  They call themselves "Coherent Central".  See? } C!  C as in Catwoman! } } So, obviously, it's a plot by Steve Wadlow to get more funding so he can } get a Krypton Laser so that The Castle Anthrax can have a _C_oherent } grail-shaped beacon, rather than the fluorescent plywood one that it has } now.  Tell /amqueue I said hi.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Let's see if the Oracle software can figure out that I'm not really > asking a question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have not really asked a question; therefore you } will not really receive an answer. } } -The Big O

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is RSB such a spud?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You Asked "Why is RSB such a spud?" } } Perhaps its because he is a potato.  Well, let me ask around } } ... } } ... } } Well, the Eyes Have it.