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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most winning Oracle, who munches kernel code for breakfast and > writes device drivers in his sleep.... > > I would like to run Linux on my computer, but my hard drive is only 4 > gigs. Do you think I'll have room? > > Oh, also, I only have 4 megs of VRAM. Should I upgrade my video card?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The Oracle looks down at his 486 with 8 megs ram, 1 meg VRAM, 150 meg } linux partition and silently weeps] } } [The Oracle finally looks up] } } Well supplicant, I can see that you are trying to rub it into the } Oracle, since I, being omnicent, know you are attempting to be cruel. } However, this will backfire on you.  Let me show you. } } The Oracle and the supplicant are wisked away to a giant underground } chamber beneath Indiana Univ. } } Rising before you 200 feet in the air is a giant monitor, on it are } 300 x-windows each logged into various systems, each being controlled } by the Oracle's great mind.  The Oracle takes you over to another } wall, which you can not see the beginning or end of. } } That is the CPU, a 3.24e3495 instructions per second processor. } You feel a slight pain when the thought of how fast Win95 would run on } it comes into your mind. } } The Oracle takes you over to another wall, which is flat black } and humming.  This is the "Oraculer Storage Device", OSD for short. } On it is every question ever asked, and ever will be asked.  It has } an access time of 1e-3987 seconds, and can hold 9.298e7298320854382 } bytes of data. } } On the final wall, being the intellegent person that you are, you } determine it is the RAM.  Giant chips line the wall, and you notice } the there is a door made out of a solid chip.  These chips have } access times of 1e-392478 seconds each, and can hold 1000 megs each. } You can not see the end to determine just how many there are. } } And now, because you have made the Oracle so proud of his equipment, } I will show And now, bor the final demo.  You the final piece of } equipment. } } Before we enter this other room, how would you like immortality? } You of course quickly agree. } } A tingling sensation comes over you. } } Okay, now we shall enter "The forbidden chamber" } The Oracle opens the giant RAM chip and becons you forward. } } Inside you find a lone terminal, which you recognize from old times } to be an Atari 400.  You walk over to it and hear the door slam } behind you.  For a brief second you can hear the Oracle laughing, } then the door is shut and there is only silence. } } Checking out the system, you notice it has a 75 baud modem connected } via ppp to the internet.  You find a list of all the elitest boards } and ftp sites on the internet stuck to the wall.  Passwords and } login's included.  For storage you have only 1 lone tape. } } And now, supplicant, you have all of eternity to ponder what it means } to insult the Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle a faster system, this one just doesn't cut it. } Oh, I forgot, you can't get me a faster system :)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Santa, > > How many reindeer does it take to drag your slay? > > What are their names?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now here's a story, listen close, } Be very quiet and still } The Oracle will tell a tale } A tale of Christmas kill } For e'ery year, around this time, } Before the dawn of day, } The Oracle sets out to find his } Merry Christmas slay } } He grabs his reindeer } One by one } And wrangles them together } All eight of them he does wrangle } With French-Italian leather } } "Again the time," the Or'cle says } "Has come for those 'who can't' } "Again the time has come, for thee-- } "Thy lazy supplicant" } } A special one, you see, } Must die } For sins that all enticed-- } The trendy craze-- } Omitting praise-- } A supple sacrifice } } "On BJ!" cries the cheerful seer } As speed begins to grow } "On Kinzler, on Disser, on Harold the Foot, } "On fiendish Dr. Noe!" } Excitement soars as the do reach } So greatly in the sky } "On Disser, on Fungi, come on now let's run, guy! } "On Alice with a Why!" } } And soon the Oracle has reached } The sparkling depths of night } And finds a roof which seems to house } A sacrificial light } And so he lands his deer upon } The top of the abode } And heads down through } The wires who } Support the supplicant's node } } For he who thought } Anonymous } Meant free from the Oracle } The nerdy geek-- } Computer freak-- } Can hear the seer's cackle } } "I said to thee," } Spoke Oracle } "That thou shalt give me praise. } "Some good some bad } "Some glad some sad } "Some cornier than maize." } } "And yet no supplication } "Has been to my queue brought } "And so the damnednation, } "Unto supplicant I wrought. } "For thou did disobey me } "And with consequences fraught } "I hereby hand down to thee now a Merry Christmas <ZOT>!" } } And so the tale, } Is over now } I'm so glad you could stay } And stop and hear } Of eight reindeer } And one great Oracle slay

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! > > I hate Scott?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try Charmin

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> if a cow gets tipped in the forest and no one is around to hear it.. > does it make a sound?  Also, how did the cow get tipped if no one was > there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The impudence of the supplicants is becoming annoying. } } The answer would depend on the frame of reference.  I will assume you } mean the average point of reference of a multidimensional everday joe, } not unlike Zaphod, or Dr. Who, or Simon and his ladder and chalk. }   Methane builds up in the cows third and fourth stomachs.  When the } methane builds to the critical point, the cows natural internal } defenses transports the methane to the 12th dimensiion.  Well in the } 12th dimension, as everyone knows, methane ignites with the atmosphere } instantly and the explosion releases a small shock wave near the } originating space/dimension.  This equates to severe agitation of } the air near or next to the cow.  This has been known to on occasion } to explode portions of cow but more often than not the cow is toppled } followed by an irritated cow moooing.  Well, the cow makes sound waves } wether a being is in the forest or not.  To be more specific, a falling } cow creates not only sound waves but cowicles when it strikes a hard } surface without planning.  Cowicles are likened to wavicles but they } move slower and travel through most dimensions.  There is bound to } be a being in some dimension that will "hear" the cowicles. } }   Therefore :  YES } } You owe the Oracle a Cowicle Accelerator.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am not worthy to eat your toenail clippings. Answer me this - is > there a good way to guarantee good stats for my character?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There you go perpetuating a race and class system again.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr computer operator. I'm a new student who is writing an assignment > for Prof Richards. I wrote my program assuming that 'getchar()' > returned 255 at the end of a file rather than 0. Could you please > rewrite the operating system so that my program works.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easily done.  It shouldn't be too hard to patch the binary to } get it to do what you want tnaw uoy tahw od ot ti teg ot yranib eht } hctap ot drah oot eb t`ndluohs tI.  enod ylisaE

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will the atomic structure of the universe go into irreversible > decline?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Not only did you not grovel, your question is typical of the arrogance } of the younger elements - when will the atomic structure of the } universe go into irreversible decline, indeed! As if it hasn't been } downhill all the way since the big ZOT! Honestly, I remember when } Hydrogen atoms were polite and deferential to their elders; wouldn't } even take an electron without asking. But now they just do whatever } they feel like - if they want to fuse with another atom into Helium } they don't even bother turning out the light! I warned everyone at the } time that making Carbon was a big mistake.  What's it going to lead to, } I said. Big ugly bipeds going around taking liberties with electrons, I } said. Killing some electrons permanently by whamming them into } positrons, I said. But did anybody listen? Oh no. No respect for their } elders. And where has it led us? To aggregates of these Carbon atoms } sending impudent messages without even grovelling. Honestly. And has } anyone even had the courtesy to tell me I was right? A simple "Sorry, } Orrie, we should have listened to you"? I don't know why I bother. } } You owe the Oracle cold fission.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Really Nifty Oracle who knows all the Dead Languages there are, I am > a Professor of Classics, and I am disturbed by the nerdy way computer > manufacturers specify the pins on their connectors by numbering them. > In order to inject a degree of sophistication into this fledgling > field, I have created descriptive Latin names to replace the numbers, > and I hope you will help make them a standard. > > For the common DB-9 connector (which I call the "Connectorius Littlus", > to distinguish it from the DB-25, or "Connectorius Bigus"), the new > names are: > >       Pin 1           Inpay Onway >       Pin 2           Inpay Ootay >       Pin 3           Inpay Reethay >       Pin 4           Inpay Orfay >       Pin 5           Inpay Ivefay >       Pin 6           Inpay Ixsay >       Pin 7           Inpay Evensay >       Pin 8           Inpay Eightpay >       Pin 9           Inpay Inenay > > I hope this new classification scheme meets your erudite satisfaction.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Professor, your efforts in this field are noteworthy, and are } to be commended.  I have one suggestion to make.  Rather than } rely on the description of the pin itself, as you have done, } you might instead use a description of the signal carried by } the associated conductor.  A few examples, to give you the } idea: } }       Ignalsay Oundgray }       Ansmittedtray Ataday }       Eceivedray Ataday }       Equestray Otay Endsay }       Earclay Otay Endsay }       Ingray Indicatorway }       Amefray Oundgray }       Ataday Erminaltay Eadyray }       Ataday Etsay Eadyray } } You owe the Oracle a citation as Research Associate when you } publish this scheme.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> crossword

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Darn. } } For this answer, you owe the Oracle one bar of soap.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Old Oracle, if not now, then when?  And by whom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Look, supplicant, if you don't stop whining right now, I'm going to } turn this server around and take us straight home, do you hear? We'll } get there when we get there and I don't want to hear any more about } it!! }  And just who are you calling "old", young man?? } }  You owe the Oracle a rest stop on the Information Superhighway.