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} Despite your rather pathetic, well, nonexistant grovel, I will answer
} your question, although my finger hovers over the ZOT button. Nah, I'm
} feeling merciful today.
}
} The marshmallow was first invented by cavemen back around 17,432 BC.
} They had long since learned to eat cooked meat and were just beginning
} to move out of the caves. However, one of the cavemen (named Ugh!)
} decided when he took his son (also named Ugh!) on a cave scout outing
} to sit around the campfire and tell ghost stories.
}
} The ghost stories quickly grew old, as any story consisting of only the
} word "Ugh!" would. After all language and ghosts had not been invented
} yet (neither had woodchucks. Hmmm....).
}
} The cave scouts had nothing to do, so the caveman went into the marsh
} and pulled out some globs of swamp moss and put them on sticks to eat.
} Their mellow flavor caused them to be known as "marsh mellows"
} (although this name would come many years later, when professor P.H.
} Dee would translate the original cavemens' stories from "Ugh!" into
} English).
}
} The other strange thing is that these marsh mellows were not elastic at
} all.
}
} As time passed, the popularity of these marsh mellows grew. It was
} said that Socrates was really killed by getting a marsh mellow caught
} in his throat (after an angry person objecting to him wearing his toga
} open in the front started throwing them at him. Marshmallows, not
} togas.).
}
} These marsh mellows were still nonelastic, though.
}
} Ancient Rome also has recorded instances of marshmallows. However,
} these nonelastic marshmallows had been used for weaponry:
}
} Caesar: Marshummellowum Firus!
} Centurion: Yessum Sirrus!
} Ceasar: I came, I saw, I threw marshmallows at them.
}
} This famous statement was later revised to make the historians happy.
}
} Throughout the dark ages, the art of the marsh mellow was lost, except
} in monasteries where it flourished. This was also when sugar was
} discovered, making marshmallows sweet and a little bit more elastic
} (although not nearly elastic enough to use as birth control, as one
} ex-monk discovered). Now, the marsh mellow could be used as both a
} weapon and a food item once again.
}
} The renaissance and the reformation and all kinds of other historical
} stuff occurred, with the marsh mellow pretty much remaining the same.
} The one significant change came when Vice-Duke Daniel Quayle IV of
} Stupidia misspelled marsh mellow. The term "marshmallow" was created.
}
} Later, in early colonial America, the elastic marshmallow that you know
} today was created. Susie and Tommy Quaker were fighting, since Tommy
} had used their father's musket to blow off the head of Susie's Pilgrim
} Barbie (Complete with funny hat and turkey). Their mother decided to
} try to calm them down by bringing marshmallows to them. However, this
} didn't even work, and they began tugging at the marshmallow, but it
} cracked into powder.
}
} Their mother, Betty Quaker, thought for a while and then decided to
} make a new marshmallow that would not break. Instead, this marshmallow
} would cause the two to stop fighting by making them spend more time
} together.
}
} Susie and Tommy again began to fight, but their mother gave them the
} marshmallow, and they pulled and pulled, and the marshmallow kept
} pulling until it was a thin sticky rope surrounding the children. This
} was a great success, since the two children had to eat their way out,
} giving their mother time and silence to rest and write down her recipes
} (which she published under her maiden name, Crocker). These
} marshmallows would have become big as child rearing tools, except that
} Betty forgot part of the recipe when she wrote it down. However, the
} new recipe was still very elastic.
}
} As time passed, there was a schism in the world of marshmallows. One
} group stuck with the old marshmallow type and another began to use
} these new elastic marshmallows.
}
} This schism exists yet today. The old school marshmallows can be found
} in places like hot chocolate and Lucky Charms (the sponsor of the
} Somewhat Underused Great Antigque Recipes (SUGAR) foundation, which
} makes the old marshmallows). And the new style can be found roasting
} over campfires and stuck on the bottom of shoes everywhere. There can
} be only one word to truly capture the magnificence of these sweet
} treats.
}
} "Ugh!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a real grovel, a box of Lucky Charms, and a
} campfire.
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