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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most innocent child, what makes you so inaccurate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I copied off the Oracle next to me.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does santa deliver all of those toys in such a short amount of > time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, well, well, if it isn't the old how-does-Santa-deliver-all-of- } those-toys-in-such-a-short-amount-of-time question. Every year, regular } as clockwork, this little gem lands in my in-tray. *You* might get your } kicks drooling over the gaily wrapped presents under the Christmas } tree, picking them up and shaking them and trying to figure out what's } in them. Not me! I await the old how-does-Santa-deliver-all-of-those- } toys-in-such-a-short-amount-of-time question with barely restrained, } gleeful anticipation. } } Or, to paraphrase the immortal Bard, a woodchuck question by any other } name is still a pain in the butt. } } Well, what shall I tell 'em this time? The one about time dilation } caused by faster-than-the-speed-of-light reindeer? Or how every time } you walk down the high street at this time of year you notice at least } two dozen Santas, which most people might take as a clue that there is } more than one of the beggars to share the load around? How about, sorry } kid, there ain't no Santa Claus, it was your parents all the time, you } gullible little twonk? } } Nah... Part of my ineffable charm is how I never repeat myself, not } even after three helpings of cauliflower cheese. So what'll it be this } time? How about this: Santa's magic, you see, and he puts us all to } sleep for a whole year while he does the rounds. So when you wake up, } it's still Christmas day, only a year later and nobody ever notices. } } Sorry, that was really pathetic, I know. Only a complete idiot would } believe a story like that. I'm not myself today. I got rather tanked up } at the end-of-semester party Friday night and Marilyn Gillette -- do } you know Marilyn? She's the head of the university's computing } department -- well, anyway, she suggested -- } } What am I saying? Hey, I never told you any of this, right! One word to } Lisa and you're getting ZOTted with extreme prejudice, you hear me? } } Getting back to your question. Well, Santa's magic, you see, and he } puts us all to sleep for a whole year while he does the rounds. So when } you wake up, it's still Christmas day, only a year later and nobody } ever notices. } } You owe the Oracle an original question involving running noses and } smelling feet.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Wise Oracle, > > Why do I dream only of purple cows stealing my shoes?  What could this > mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This implies that: } } 1. You have fallen for all those ads in which basketball stars want }    you to believe that buying thier shoes will make you jump as high }    as they do. } } 2. You believe that cows, in their desperate attempts to jump over the }    moon, are envious of your shoes ability and are constantly trying }    to steal them from you. } } 3. Your dreams are colorized by Ted Turner. } } You owe the Oracle a laser disc player and a disc of The Cabinet of } Doctor Caligari, in black and white, of course.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please do not fail.  I need your help, desperately, as you well > know.  Which one should I choose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A tough choice indeed. I guess I'll just have to give you the pros and } cons for all of them: } The Brown one: for - resilient, yet stretchable. against: hard and } tends to chaff the skin. } The Pink One: for - smooth, comfortable design. Against: batteries not } included. } The Rotating one: For: makes you feel better about yourself. Against: } tends to break down after a few uses. } The small one: For - good for those hard to reach places. Against - } will it really make you feel better about yourself? } } You owe the Oracle a pink one, a brown one, and one of them funny } little watchamacallits with the antennae. And next time you have to } choose a car-vacuum cleaner, just ask the salesman.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All-Knowing One, > > Something perplexes me.  I am blind, for I know not the difference > between art and life.  Help me to see.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                art matches your couch.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just how many Oracles are there? I mean, one is enough, but.... but.... > INFINITELY many????? Boy, that sure does sound weird. Anyway, I've got > a question for ya. > > Who is your adviser? And no, don't say you are "all knowing" and all > that stuff. "True power lies behind the throne", as they say. So, who's > behind your throne controlling your responses, huh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sir, you are correct.  As you are aware from Plato's theory of Forms } (remember his story about the cave?) everything you see is but an } imperfect image of its Form.  Plato didn't consider, however, that the } Forms themselves are but imperfect images of SuperForms.  And the } SuperForms are but imperfect ... } } You begin to get the idea, don't you?  There is indeed a SuperOracle } and behind him a SuperSuperOracle.  There ARE an infinite number of } Oracles.  Fortunately, I'm all-knowing, so I can count them. } Fortunately, I also know a lot of folk wisdom and cheap slogans, too. } My favorite one right now is, "What goes around comes around."  And } THAT means ... } } I AM THE ULTIMATE SUPER-DOOPER ORACLE!!!  That infinity of Oracles } went all around, and stopped again at me!  I alone am really in charge } of myself, not some dweeb SuperOracle standing behind me. } } Ain't bogus philosophy wonderful?!?!!!  You can start anywhere, twist } just a bit, and come out with the conclusion that suits you best. } } You owe the Oracle L. Ron Hubbard's typewriter.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omnientertaining Oracle, please help me. > > I need some ideas to spice up my juggling act.  Fire, knives > and chainsaws just don't seem to impress people anymore. > Surely there must be some new twist I could use.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I must say that modern civilization, for all its amenities, never } matched the juggling prowess of ancient Greece. Who now has heard of } Chironopolous, who juggled three slaves' heads *before* they were } decapitaed, or Histaphenes, who juggled a two-handed sword, a barrel of } wine, and Apollo while dancing on the top of the mast of the noble ship } Hipholoni while a battle raged on the deck below? } } However, as I doubt these feats are within your grasp, I'll offer some } more down-to-earth suggestions. Although fire on its own may not seem } exciting enough, juggling three sticks of dynamite and the three } detonators they are randomly connected to could be good for a bang. If } you would like to learn from the experts, I suggest going to Washington } DC to watch Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich juggle figures. For an even } more impressive metaphysical performance, try Washington State and } watch Bill Gates juggle lines of code and product release dates at the } same time. And finally there was the quite famous and fortunately } videotaped almost everlasting juggling of jurors performed by Lance Ito } and OJ Simpson. } } You owe the Oracle Newt Gingrich juggling three lit sticks of } short-fuse dynamite.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > What do I have to do to become an Internet Service Provider?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1)  Find a hula hoop.  There is probably one down in the basement.  If }     not, go out to the local toy shop and buy one.  This is a must. } 2)  Mount the hoop vertically a foot off the floor. } 3)  For i = 1 to 5; repeat (1:2); end for } 4)  Jump through hoops. } } You owe the Oracle a nice domain name.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose sun always shines and whose sheets are always > April fresh... > > Who is your pick to win this year's Superbowl?  I would really like to > know so I could make an, um...investment.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. } } Stop laughing.  Bet on them to win Super Bowl XXX (at ONE QUADRILLION } to 1 odds).  But then save your receipt.  Here's what's going to } happen. } } Jan. 28--The Dallas Cowboys beat the Pittsburgh Steelers 41-17. } } Jan. 29--Dallas is discovered to have gone $83 million over the salary } cap (mainly as a result of paying Deion Sanders both $15 million and } $20 million in a case of life imitating pizza commercials), and are } disqualified.  Pittsburgh is declared the NFL champion. } } Jan. 30--The 14 other NFC teams file a grievance, complaining that an } NFC team was destined to win the Super Bowl, since they ALWAYS win the } Super Bowl, and it doesn't matter that Pittsburgh was one of the 1966 } NFL teams, they're in the AFC now and any NFC team can always beat any } AFC team in the Super Bowl. } } Jan. 31--In an unusual move, the NFL announces Super Bowl XXX.V will be } held instead of the Pro Bowl in Hawaii.  It will feature the NFC } runner-up Green Bay Packers against another 1966 NFL team, the } Cleveland Browns. } } Feb. 4--Green Bay wins Super Bowl XXX.V by forfeit when the Cleveland } Browns completely fail to show up for the game.  It turns out they } completed their long-threatened move to Baltimore without even leaving } a forwarding address. } } Feb. 7--The Tampa Bay Buccaneers announce a move to Cleveland. } } Feb. 8--A federal judge rules that the name "Cleveland Browns" belongs } to the city of Cleveland. } } Feb. 9--The NFL rules that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, soon to be the } Cleveland Browns, will play Green Bay in Super Bowl XXX.VI, which } everyone hopes will be the last one until next season. } } Feb. 11--Tampa Bay/Cleveland (still playing as the Buccaneers) and } Green Bay tie 3-3 in Super Bowl XXX.VI, henceforth known as "The Worst } Football Game Ever."  It goes to quintuple overtime, lasting until 2:57 } A.M., until everyone just gets tired and agree to look up the } tiebreaker rules in the morning. } } Feb. 12--The never-before-used tiebreaker rule for this situation } states that the previous meeting of the two teams will be used to } decide the winner.  In this case, Tampa Bay beat Green Bay 13-10 in } overtime on December 10.  Tampa Bay is declared the Super Bowl XXX } champion. } } Feb. 13--The Super Bowl champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers announce that } they sold 45,000 seat deposits for a new stadium in the last 24 hours } and are staying in Tampa Bay. } } So, as you can see, this is truly a lesson that anything can happen in } the world of sports.  My advice is to bet $100 on Tampa Bay, so as of } February 13, you'll have all the money in the world, which should be } just about enough for a luxury box at the new Tampa Stadium. } } You owe this long-suffering Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan, a.k.a. The } Oracle, a wild-card playoff berth next season.  At least.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm the new one for this oracle service.Do I have to pay for this > service?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. } } You owe the Oracle all your body hair.