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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Dear Oral: > >   It seems I can only have a good time these days by making an imaginary > fort out of the seat cushions on our couch.  My roomate thinks I'm under > too much stress.  I was okay until I changed my major to Economics. > What do you think I ought to do? > >  Sincerely: > >  Captain Bob, Fourth Regiment -- Living Room Corps

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's good to see that you are least preparing for the next black } thursday..  It shows that you have good financial intuition..  If, } however, you are really stressed out(preparing for a crash that wont } even affect you since you aren't an economist yet..)..(unless, of } course, you're really serious about this economist deal...  If you are, } I suggest you get lotsa graph paper and notebooks instead of cushions so } you can analyze the crash..  The fallout wont be too bad..) If (you seem } to be a go getter with all this anticipation..) you feel that you might } not be satisfied with your future job, perhaps you should try lion } taming...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girlfriend doesn't understand me, could that be because she's from > Saoudi-Arabia ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nein, es ist denn du spricht Anglais aber dur Madchen spricht Deutsch. } Versteht du die Madchen hat nichts mit sie bist einer Saudi Arabian. } Iffen uber mit Wiederhausengehen, ja? } } Du haupst die Oracle einen Anglais-Deutsch/Deutsch-Anglais verkoffen } Bucher.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yesterday, I was walking down the street when car.  Then, I |  |  into a >                                                              || >                                                             fell > manhole, whereupon, my Nike-Air-get-'em-cheap-at-Al's-Aution-Barn'O'Rama > did untie.  Wet and dirty, I pressed on and shirt.  Actually, you could > say that it was sunny out, was it not for the clouds, and green toads on > the turntable going round and round and round and round.  When I got to > a junction, turn, decision point, thought-provoking-turn-of-events, I > went Indiana.  All of a sudden, hamster did get loose when I was three, > and then I was lost, up a creek with an outboard, rev-em-up-and-kill-30- > innocent-people-a-swimmin'-in-the-sink.  What should I do?  Here I stand > at the horse show, with nothing to show but the stubs of a lost life. > What is the meaning of the Martian-invasion-from-outer-space-needs-women > plot in most of todays intellectual TV dinners to go with a silver > spoon?  Also, tell me what you think of this little groundhog: > > "...and suddenly it's day again, > the sun is in the east, > even though the day is done. > Two suns in the sunset, > hmmmmmmmmm..... > Could be the human race is run?" >   Please answer soon, as it is getting dark, my lap-tops-ever-lasting- > Reebok-battery is getting low, and this satellite uplink window through > an RCA- HBO-VHS hookup will not last forever.  By the way, the car was > an iguana.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Upon delving into the depths of my infinite knowledge, your question is } not only absolutely clear to me, but the answer is just as simple:  the } fourth lawnmower on the left. } } You owe the oracle an appointment at a certified psychiatrist.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is this gorgeous redhead who keeps following me around, mailing me > love letters, asking my opinion of her underwear, and has repeatedly > tried to sneak into my bed at night? > > Why does she do this?  What should I do about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, this isn't really happening at all.  What you are experiencing } is known as the Lucy Ball Complex.  It usually occurs in men you have } psycologically blocked out any memory of Lucy's death.  This prevents } the sufferer from experiencing the normal anger, denial, mourning phase } that is commonly associated to the death of admired TV personalities. } The result is the manifestation of hallucinations brought on by the } psyche's inability to cope with this trama.  The symptoms can last for a } few hours to many years.  Though sexual fantacies of the type you } mention are not unheard of, most experience a peculiar desire to cry out } loud, make fun of people with latino accents and pull pranks on your } spouse and neighbor's spouse which eventually lead to chaos. } } It is very similar to a malady known as Jim Baccus Syndrome; a } schitzophrenic disorder in which victims flip from thinking they're } almost totally blind and getting into all sorts of mishaps, to believing } they are Harvard grad- uate money grubbers with a wife named 'Lovey'. } } There is no known cure.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > I wonder if you can help me with the following major problem of mine: > During the past 12 months I've been developing a chess program which > I've been writing in LISP.  Now, my friends claims (I think they look at > themselves as some sort of "computer fashion pack") that I have to > convert my LISP program to the C language in order to prove that I'm a > serious computer science student.  My question is simply: > Is that really true, and are they right ? > Is C more serious than LISP ???? > > Besides, I'm from Sweden (By the way:  do you know anything about Sweden > ??) so for any misspellings in the text I really do appologize.  As you > realize, english is not my native language. > > Many thanks in advance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Instead of converting your LISP chess program to C, I would recommend } that you convert it to INTERCAL.  INTERCAL is a computer language } designed by Donald R.  Woods and James M.  Lyon.  INTERCAL is purposely } different from any other computer language in all ways but one:  it is } purely a written language, being totally unspeakable. } } The Name "INTERCAL" is an abbreviation for "Compiler Language With No } Pronounceable Acronym." } } An excerpt from the INTERCAL Referece Manual will make the style of the } language clear.  In most programming languages, if you want a variable } (say A) to have the value 65536, you would write something like }    LET A = 65536 }       or }    A := 65536; } } The INTERCAL Reference Manual, however, explains that "it is well-known } and oft-demonstrated fact that a person whose work is incomprehensible } is held in high esteem.  For example:  if one were to state that the } simplest way to store 65535 in an INTERCAL variable is } }    DO :1 <- #0%#256 } } any sensible programmer would say that that was absurd.  Since this is } indeed the simplest method, the programmer would be made to look foolish } in front of his boss, who would of course have happened to turn up, as } bosses are wont to do.  The effect would be no less devastating for the } programmer having been correct." } } INTERCAL has many other peculiar features, as well, to make it even more } unspeakable.  The language was actually implemented and used by many } people at Princeton University.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most wise Oracle, > > What is the password of the root account? > > % cat /etc/passwd | grep root > root:13Lez5.7lmdwM:0:1:Operator:/:/bin/csh > %

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You want me to decrypt '13Lez5.7lmdwM' for you, don't you?  Well, I } could easily do that, but I think of what you would do with that } information.  You would try get 'hacker' status among you friends, } wouldn't you?  But what would you say if they wanted to know how you did } it?  'I asked the Oracle.', eh?  They would laugh you through the floor! } So, to save you from that, I refrain from giving you the password. } Ain't I nice? } } You owe the Oracle crypt.c (mail it to gorbie@kremlc64.kreml.su.mil)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I never find sentence in the land?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "...what an incredibly stupid question!  Ah well, maybe I can get }  away with this..." } } [Skipping unavailable article] } } [Article #88963 marked as read] } } "OH NO YOU DON'T!  ANSWER THE QUESTION PROPERLY AS YOU WERE TRAINED }  OR I'LL PUT YOU ON SUSPENSION, YOU LAZY EXCUSE FOR AN ORACLE!" } } "But your greatness, it makes no sense!  How can I respond to such }  a lame question?" } } "ALRIGHT, I'LL ANSWER IT YOU WORTHLESS PILE OF DINGO'S KIDNEYS! } }  AHEM, } } OF COURSE YOU CAN'T FIND SENTENCE IN THE LAND!  AS ANY FIRST GRADE } ENGLISH TEACHER COULD TELL YOU, "THE LAND" IS NOT A COMPLETE SENTENCE } AS IT ONLY CONTAINS A DETERMINER AND A NOUN WITH NOTHING ELSE.  HOW } STUPID CAN YOU GET?" } } I NOW RETURN YOU TO THE ORACLE." } } "Sorry 'bout that.  Anyway," } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the MLA Writer's Guidelines.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I was young, oh so much younger than today, > I didn't need anybodys help in any way. > Now I find that things have changed, > so help me if you can, I feeling down.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, once when the world was a very new world }    (Sing ho!  for the elegant Squid!) } You went for your hair and your eyes to be curled }    (Sing ho! For the Squid says he Did!) } You had three complexions, you kept them on ice }    (Sing ho! for the Squid has a devilish laugh.) } And you dazzled the ladies with sparkles and spice }    (Sing ho! for the Squid's making time and a half!) } Now, buy an anemone stuffed in a vase }    (Sing ho! for the Squid is rather complacent) } And be careful, because Dr. Smurdstone (your dental surgeon) is }    trying to sneak up on you and klonk you over the head with an anvil, }    (Sing ho!  for the Squid is getting a degree in dental surgery as }        well, and is a hell of a lot more dangerous than Dr. Smurdstone.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, please tell me: > If you know everything, how come you're so often contradicting yourself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I always never contradict myself. } } Besides, we're schizophrenic. } } You owe the oracle several answers to one question.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does the oracle look like??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Included please find the latest } MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM picture of the Usenet Oracle. } MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM........MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM } MMMMMMMMMMMMMM............MMMMMMMMMMMMM Have a nice day. } MMMMMMMMMMMMM..............MMMMMMMMMMMM } MMMMMMMMMMMMM..###....###..MMMMMMMMMMMM You owe the oracle a line- } MMMMMMMMMMMM................MMMMMMMMMMM printer to GIF conversion } MMMMMMMMMMMM................MMMMMMMMMMM program. } MMMMMMMMMMMMM..###....###..MMMMMMMMMMMM } MMMMMMMMMMMMM....######....MMMMMMMMMMMM } MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM..........MMMMMMMMMMMMMM } MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM } MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM