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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why arnt their hot wimin on this use net work?  are you tye sysop ot > the bbs or can i volintear and get some babes free logons or like that? >  oh yah, i like the hot sex forims the use net bbs has!  man, i cant > waite to convert the files to graphic raster output that i can print to > my screen!  woo hoo!! do you have a file changer i can install on > this???!!!???!!!  far out man!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wrong newsgroup.  Try alt.hot.women.wanted.  That's where they all hang } out. They're so frustrated by the lack of attention shown them by men } in person that they flee to cyberspace and wait, biting their nails, } for you to announce yourself.  That's when the flame war starts, and } all the women begin ripping each other to pieces, degrading one } another, and posting pictures of themselves that would embarrass Sharon } Stone.  This continues until you, the available man, select two or } three to be your constant love trophies, and parade about in front of } the other men who thought they were so good-looking, but who now are } merely green with gut-wrenching envy, and take it out by beating each } other up.  But for the love of God, let them down easy when you get } tired of them.  There's nothing I hate to see more than a wasted, used } up Usenet babe.  They come to me asking questions like, "Ever since Ed } moved on, all I find are overly muscled, perfect-skinned, wealthy } bachelors hanging all over me.  Don't they understand that what I } really care about it what's inside?  Will I ever meet another nerdy yet } nice guy like Ed on the 'net, or should I just give it up and become a } lonely, single lingerie model?" } } You owe the Oracle a date.  Can you get me one, too?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Testify! Jump back! Kiss myself! } } You owe the Oracle the James Brown box set.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > What color are thine eyes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mine eyes aren't gray, they are not blue, } Nor any other different hue - } Not green nor black nor hazel brown } Not red post-party-in-the-town. } All-seeing Oracle am I } But metaphorical my eye } In fact, (perhaps a slight surprise) } The Usenet Oracle has no eyes!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh wise and groovy Oracle, who knows all sorts of neat stuff, > > If you're the Oracle who knows all, is there also an Opticle who sees > all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, in fact there's a whole tribe of us.  No wonder Mt. Olympus feels } a little crowded at times.. } } The Oracle - Knows all there is in the world. } The Opticle - Sees all there is in the world } The Auricle - Hears all there is in the world. } The Follicle - Has all the hair in the world. } The Metrical - Owner of all centimetres, litres, and hectares in the }   world } The Sphericle - Makes the world go 'round } The Imbecile - Keeps asking me about Woodchucks. } The Popsicle - A sweet fellow, but so cold-hearted.. } The Hypotheticle - What would you do if such a person existed? } The Rhetoricle -  A Grandiloquent chap - prone to using fancy words } The Bicycle - Loves to travel } The Particle - Not a terribly big person. } The Barnacle - Nice guy, but so hard to get rid of... } The Politicle - Lies a lot, has a fondness for kissing babies } The Practicle - Always makes the best out of a bad situation } The Biblicle - Tends to knock on your door early Sunday morning } The Cuticle - Nice fingernails } The Manacle - Doesn't like to let you go } The Typicle - He's just the kind of guy you'd expect. } The Magicle - Has a fondness for rabbits.  Keeps disappearing in puffs }   of smoke. } The Article - Writes an awful lot. } The Ventricle - This fellow has a good heart. } The Criticle - Never thinks anyone can do anything right. } The Wrinkle - Really showing his age these days. } The Carbuncle - He's a pain to be with. } The Monocle - Has a one-eyed view on the world. } The Medicle - Always concerned for your health. } } You owe the Oracle net.access for all of the above - wouldn't it make } life just so much easier?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Arrrg matey! > Couldst thou bestow upon me a few words of wisdom? > What helpless shore shall I pillage next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} now, now, Mr. Turner. take off that pirate's hat and get rid of the } parrot. you'll own Nickelodion and HBO soon enough. } } you owe the oracle Jane Fonda walking the plank.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, help me, help me, help me.... > > I have been afflicted by the most terrible disease known to mankind... > > COMEDY HAIR. > > Yes, it's gone apeshit this morning.  Some diseases just spring > themselves on you without warning, and Comedy Hair is definitely one > of them.  There are no precautions you can take. > > I got up this morning as normal, washed my hair as normal, combed > it as normal.  Yet by the time I got to work (as normal) my hair was > sticking up in sixteen different directions, the parting was halfway > down the wrong side of my head and it had all gone curly at the back. > > Tell me, O mighty, omniscient Oracle, what can I do??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Poor supplicant!  Comedy hair is only part of your problem.  I've } rewound your life for the past year (yes, that's what that was) and } have listed some things that have conspired to cause you grief: } } 1. Get rid of the convertible. } } 2. I know you enjoy your work, but you must stop break dancing }    when you arrive each morning. } } 3. After you comb the wig, don't stuff it in your pocket! } } 4. You didn't realize it, but this past March you had the Medusa }    Syndrome. The stone statues should have been a clue. } } 5. Stop stuffing bread in your mouth and sticking your fingers in }    the toaster. That's not how to make toast. } } 6. In June you had lice.  Big lice.  Big hyperactive lice. }    Fortunately, the finger-in-the-toaster routine did the trick. } } 7. I know you're combing it "as normal", but try using a comb.  Your }    hand and fingers may look like a comb, but trust me . . . } } 8. You have Hair 95 and it acts up periodically.  Hold down your left }    earlobe and right eyebrow at the same time and hit the DELETE key. }    If that doesn't work, cycle power on yourself. } } 9. In August you caught a Buckwheat Germ. <O-TAY!>  Try some Alfalfa }    sprouts and wash your hands. } } 10. Get used to Marilyn's father - I know those bolts in his neck are }     strange and the scar on his forehead is hideous, but if you keep }     getting upset each time you pick her up, this is going to happen. } } 11. Stop going on TV and saying "I'm not just the president of Hair }     Club for Supplicants . . ."  You're jinxing yourself. } } 12. Each strand of hair is experiencing a slightly different time }     dilation. Reroute the backup EPS conduit through the warp matrix. }     If you time it just right, you'll slingshot all your follicles into }     the same dimension!  But be careful, just one femtosecond early or }     late . . . well, let's not think about that. } } 13. Your head is in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.  Use }     the wizard word! } } You owe the Oracle a giant tub of that hair cream . . . a little dab'l } do ya'!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is ftp.cdrom.com always unreachable?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 530-Sorry, the current infinite limit of anonymous supplicants has been } reached. } 530-Please try again in a few aeons. } 530- } 530-User anonymous access denied } Enlightenment failed } } This time, you owe the Oracle nothing.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me if it will stop raining again in spain

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TO acertain the answer, we must go to Jane, who lives on the plain of } Spain and watches the rain. } } "Jane, with your weather vane, tell me about the rain; is it starting } to be a pain?" } }       "Ah, Orrie, the reign of the rain here on the plain of Spain }       is plainly becoming a pain. We work in vain to retrain the }       rain and remain sane, but the rain refuses to wane; it's }       plain that it is our eternal bane." } } "Oh. That's too bad. *pauses* Bummer." } } You owe the Oracle a new rhyming dictionary and a copy of "My Fair } Lady."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greatest Oracle, I have a question for your fearful omniscience: > > I am in love with a woman, but do not know if she feels the same way > for me.  Please tell me if this is an acceptable substitute for > picking daisy petals: > > #include <stdio.h> > #include <stdlib.h> > #include <time.h> > > void main() > { >   randomize(); >   if (rand()%2) >     printf("She loves me!\n"); >   else >     printf("She loves me not.\n"); > }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} not bad, but it can be optimized to: } } #include <stdio.h> } #include <stdlib.h> } } void man() } { }   printf("She loves me not.\n"); } } } } You owe the Oracle at least one daisy } with an odd number of petals.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Could warp speed ever be achieved?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dammit, supplicant! I'm a soothsayer, not an engineer!