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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise Oracle, thou whose magnificent healing powers can cure even the > massive inferiority complex that puny mortals get when they compare > themselves to thou, please hear this truly pathetic question, and > perchance, to answer. > > Oracle, why is the word 'therapist' made up of 'the' and 'rapist'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I guess you've never seen your wallet after an hour session. } } You owe the Oracle an unlimited bank account.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Please be sure your question is in the form of a question. } } You owe the Oracle a question.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    You walk down a hallway, towards the boudoir, mesmerized by that > heady, exotic aroma you identify with her, the object of your desires. > >    You open the door.  There, lounging on the bed in a skimpy negligee, > she waits.  The light plays about her form, teasingly.  "Come here," > she beckons.  "I've got a surprise for you, hon." > >    You close the door behind you, unbuttoning your shirt as you > approach. You pre-- > >    SLAM!!  The door splinters open behind you, and two jackbooted thugs > with AK-47s and "CDA" helmets burst onto the scene. > >    "Trying to peddle your smut on the Internet, eh?" the taller one > sneers. "We've got your number now!  Heh heh heh..."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Supplicant, stay calm. You see the one on the left? Well he's not } quite as confident about this as he looks - notice the nervous } glances over his shoulder? The jerky body movements? This man is } unsure about himself, his abilities, and the legality of the } situation. Chances are they've failed to clear the paper-work before } coming round (after all would you fill out form no. IP100324/295a } rev2.1.c "Confiscation Of Equipment Suspected Of Holding Encoded } Pornography - Warrant" or crack out the AK-47's and kick down } doors?). It's a fairly sure thing that the papers aren't filled out. } Shoot you now and it's murder (technically). You've got to keep calm } and watch the situation. Wait for the guy on the left to turn } slightly toward his partner, just enough for the muzzle of his gun to } be off you. Pick up that half-cup of cold coffee with the fuzz } growing on it from beside the monitor (carefully, they're nervous as } it is remember). Wait for your moment and fling the scrofulous } contents into the face of the guy on the right. This is when you've } got to be ready to move, and I mean MOVE. Bring your left shoulder } down and charge the guy on the left, try to make contact between your } left shoulder and the guys breast-bone. This should knock him over, } unbalance him or even crack said breastbone if you got it right. Grab } the AK-47 from behind him and waste his son-of-a-bitch partner while } using nervous bloke as a shield. Waste the nervous bloke (you should } have disarmed him by now). Waste the woman (who was she anyway?) - } too many witnesses already. Right, time is of the essence - } disconnect your PC's peripherals, they're cheap and can be replaced. } Find a bag and shove the desktop box into it. Think man think! } Where's your driving licence? Library ticket? Video rental card? } You've got about ten minutes to collect all your major forms of ID } and get the hell out of there. You won't be back for a while, and the } cops are probably en-route even as I type this. Head for the Lincoln } memorial (use the overnight Greyhound - I don't trust trains). Be } there by ten tomorrow morning and look out for a guy selling Fake Dog- } Turds. Ask to buy five "for my mothers birthday". The words are } important. His name's Bernard - he'll get you out of the country. } Good luck and viva la resistance! } } You owe the Oracle some fuzzy coffee.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many apples would Bill Gates chuck if Bill Gates > could chuck apples?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 655,360. Because 640K ought to be enough for anybody.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ok, Pluto is a dog, but what is Goofy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. Rush Limbaugh in a speedo brief } 2. All the Connie Chung look-alikes doing news } 3. OJ on CNN } 4. Running naked through the rain wearing one red and one yellow }    rubber boot } 5. Asking the Oracle to take a break from beer, chips, and }    Superbowl reruns to answer goofy questions

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who is truly a blithe spirit, > > I was reading Percy Bysshe Shelley's "The Mask of Anarchy," which is > about the August 16, 1819, police brutality incident at St. Peter's > Field, Manchester.  The third-to-last stanza is: > >               And that slaughter to the nation >               Shall steam up like inspiration, >               Eloquent, oracular -- >               A volcano heard afar. > > I couldn't help but notice the word "oracular" in there.  What's up > with that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I wish that little episode could be forgotton.  Bother } that Shelley character. } } I'm afraid I had a (minor) hand in that confrontation.  It } wasn't my fault, though, honest.  You see, the police } lieutenant had got wind of some impending domestic disorder, } and he asked me for my advice on the situation.  I told } him, of course (in the language common at the time) to } "stay the unrestful hands". } } Unfortunately, just as I set out to write out my answer to } this gentle supplicant (bear in mind that this was before } the advent of computers), I heard the next supplicant in line } rehearsing his question:  "How much wood..."  you know the } one.  And in my sudden extreme irritation, I neglected to } cross one of my t's.  The police took my advice seriously, } for which I suppose I can't really fault them, and the } unrestful hands were slain forthwith. } } You owe the Oracle that supplicant's head on a platter.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle, who drives the coolest cars and who never gives > the finger when cut off in traffic,  I need a REAL quick answer > to this problem. > > I'm currently sitting in the left turn lane at the corner of > Higgins and Mannheim.  The left turn arrow has just come on > but there is a squirrel right in front of my car.  Should I > wait until he gets out of the way risking the wrath of the, > oh, 15 or so cars behind me or should I just turn the little > bugger into road pizza in the name of traffic flow? > > Please hurry.  I think I have about 15 milliseconds until the > guy behind me starts leaning on his horn.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have reached the useanet oracle, providing answers for 2 millenia! } If you wish to subscribe to the oracle newsletter press 18373634 now } if you wish to ask a question push 84736475867363746657 in exaclty 3.65 } seconds if you want to complain about an answer wait for the dial tone } if you want to ask the woodchuck question press 666 then wait for the } ZOT if you need to talk to the oracle in person, he is on lunch break } right now and will be back in fifteen minutes, please hold on. }       (cheasy music plays)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and powerful Oracle, please let it be known the answer to > this question: > > Is the Dark Side stronger?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but the Far Side is funnier.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most sage, > > How can I deal with the pain of divorce and the separation from > my children?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get a knit stocking cap, a black sweatsuit, and a pair of $150 gloves. } Put your passport, a fake beard, a shovel, and $10,000 in the Bronco. } Call a limo to take you to the airport.  Wait a minute.  Didn't I } give you this advice almost TWO YEARS ago?  What's the problem? } } You owe the Oracle a treatise entitled, "How the pampering of athletes } in America severely distorts their sense of responsibility," and if } you want me to leave you alone, LEAVE ME ALONE!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which is better, cake or pie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Choosing between cake and pie can be a difficult decision indeed.  We } will have to look at the features available in each so you can decide } which is better for you. } } Both come with a wide range of installation packages, ranging from easy } starting kits, to the do it all yourself 'scratch' method. } } Both will work with your existing hardware.  You will not need to } upgrade your spoon or your bowl. } } Although pie is a strong contender in the Thanksgiving market, it } doesn't even compete with cake when it comes to birthdays. } } Cake has an interesting 'cupcake' option you might like. } } Most cake systems require the use of 'frosting', which has to be } assembled separately. } } Cake is simple, but nothing is supposed to be easier than pie. } } Now that you have all the facts, you can make an informed decision. The } Oracle personally suggests you learn both systems, since they are both } quite useful. } } You owe the oracle an electric mixer.