Goto:

816, 816-01, 816-02, 816-03, 816-04, 816-05, 816-06, 816-07, 816-08, 816-09, 816-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>        why do people stare at me strange when I carry a moose in my >        pocket?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They try to stare at you normally, but it's kind of tough to pull off. } } You owe the Oracle a Swiss pocket woodchuck.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Chemically Adept Oracle, > > I have Pseudophedrine Hydrochloride (60mg,) Doxylamine Succinate > (12.5mg*,) Dextromethorpan Hydrobromide (30mg,) Acetaminophen (1000mg,) > and FD&C Yellow No. 6, but it's green, not yellow.  What do I do with > it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easy. Market it as 'Apple Fresh' rather than 'Lemon Fresh', and sue } FD&C for breach of contract. } } You owe the Oracle some FD&C chartreuse.  It's probably yellow.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how can i find a stock quote

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Usually, I just remember them, but if it's early morning and I haven't } yet had My second cup of coffee, a good source is Bartlett's Familiar } Quotations. } } You owe The Oracle a quote of "Requiem" by Robert Louis Stevenson. } Heh, heh.  Just TRY to find that one.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...all right, now all opposed: } } N   N   A   Y   Y  ! } NN  N  A A  Y   Y  ! } N N N AAAAA  YYY   ! } N  NN A   A   Y } N   N A   A   Y    ! } } The motion is rejected.  Thank you for participating in the } Oracular Referendum on Content Censorship on the Internet. } } All I ask in payment is that you find out how your congressman } voted on this and then remember that next November.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> please tell me why America can't appologise from Japan for the atomic > strike which resulted the death of 300,000 civilans when it can compell > Japanese to applogise from Koreans for the barbrism they did in korean > war.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, supplicant, I agree with you completely.  A sincere "I'm sorry } and it'll never happen again, honest" is entirely in order on both } parts.  But allow me to point out that there are many other cases in } the annals of history even more deserving of such expressions of } remorse. } } * The U.S. owes the Indian nations several large floral arrangements } (I'm talking the $250 jobs here). } } * I'd like to see the Angles, the Saxons, and the Jutes all pitch in } for a nice set of towels to make up for invading the land of the } Britons. } } * Still outstanding on the books is the first instance of man's } inhumanity to man (Ogg vs. Throg; 453,282 BC) and I am sure everyone } would like to see an equitable cash settlement in this case. } } * Need I mention the matter of Prometheus' theft of fire from the } Olympic gods?  Yes, I know that he did personally serve time for his } crime (chained to cliff, liver ripped out by vultures, etc.), but I } know that Zeus would still appreciate an official statement of regret } from a representative of all mortals.  Plus, of course, a return of the } "gift" of fire forthwith. } } You owe the Oracle a box of Whitman's chocolates, by Wednesday at the } latest.  And could you include a card reading "To Lisa, from } snugglebunnies"?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, >  please tell me if the communist party will win the next political > elections in Italy > > M. D'Alema

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble supplicant, no one wins in an election in Italy.  Like the } French, they simply wait to surrender to the next invader. } } You owe the Oracle a Lambourgini.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and scrumptious, please explain > a minor mystery to this humble supplicant who kneels > before you. > > When people are speaking of some task which is > incredibly easy, they call it a "piece of cake". > Why, then, is it so difficult to bake a cake and > get it to come out right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The mistake you are making is a simple one; the correct usage is not } "piece of cake" at all, but "picocake", wherein the "cake" is the SI } unit of "ease of pilfering".  Naturally, the "pico-" prefix refers to a } larceny one-trillionth the size of this--thus, a very _easy_ job } indeed. } } Here is a list of Standard Reference Rip-Offs which have been } established by the American Burglarilogical Society: } }  PICOCAKE  Taking candy from a baby (sleeping). }  NANOCAKE  Slipping a half-dozen sugar packets from a restaurant into }               your pocket. } MICROCAKE  Switching price tags to buy two tubes of toothpaste for the }               price of one. } MILLICAKE  Nabbing a neighbor's Playboy out of his mailbox before he }               knows it's been delivered. }      CAKE  Filching a cake which has been left on an open windowsill }               to cool. }  KILOCAKE  Shoplifting a pound of Limburger cheese, getting away on the }               subway, undetected. }  MEGACAKE  Using stolen credit card information to purchase a }               sportscar which you take on a week-long Florida vacation }               spree. }  GIGACAKE  Ransacking a nuclear weapons arsenal for a warhead _and_ }               smuggling it to Cuba by disguising it as a large bologna. }  TERACAKE  Taking candy from a baby (awake). } } You owe the Oracle a cake with a hacksaw baked inside.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr. or Mrs. T.U.Oracle > > I would like to submit a complaint to your advise service.  I asked you > about an important interview which could change my entire life, and I > got a reply with a recipe for your special bean soup.  Thanks to your > lack of organization, I lost the opportunity of a life time. > > I would appreciate your immediate attention to this matter. > > P.S. Try adding a little ground beef to your bean soup, it makes a most > delicous new soup.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is a very interesting question supplicant, and it's funny that you } should ask it at this time because as of 10 PM, last Thursday, the } universe that you live in suddenly stopped expanding and started } contracting. The upshot of this is that time (and the natural order of } things) has reversed. So, from now on I give answers and *then* you ask } questions. Take for example a short series of questions and answers } between this Oracle and a supplicant (this has been shortened for the } sake of simplicity) } }         Supplicant Question: >What's the highest peak in Africa? } T  |          Oracle Answer: >No chance } I  |    Supplicant Question: >Can I score a date with Lisa? } M  |          Oracle Answer: >Argh!! Another woodchuck question!! *ZOT* } E  |    Supplicant Question: >How much wood would a woodchuck chuck...? }    v          Oracle Answer: >Please reword that as a question. }         Supplicant Question: > } } ... and so on. } } You'll find now that my responses will seem even more erratic and in } most cases not the slightest bit related to your questions. Don't be } alarmed by this. All effects of reversed time wear off after the brain } becomes used to experiencing things backwards. } } You owe the Oracle an email addressed to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the } subject line of "tellme" and in the body write "Oh wonderous Oracle! Do } you know any good soup recipes?"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Convoluted Oracle, all too often I seem to be asking you questions > about the process of asking questions of The Usenet Oracle, that is, > you.  This tends to leave me in a rather untenable situation.  It's > almost as if I had my proverbial but tiny cranial dome up my > euphemistic but huge nether cavity. > > How can I hope to avoid disappearing into a fat and sloppy singularity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple! Just join the crew of the Enterprize! } ... } } Data: Captain, the scanners are picking up what appears to be a }       singularity. There is no record of a singularity in this section }       of space. } } Riker: We'd better investigate this, Captain. } } Picard: Hmm, yes. It could be the work of this week's guest God Like }         Alien. Make it so. } } <Cut to some character development in which we find out that Worf had> } <A poodle dog as a child, something all the other klingon kids gave  > } <him a hard time about. Apparently all his troubles with the Klingon > } <Empire stem from this, and not the fact that his father might have  > } <been a traitor.                                                     > } } <One commercial break later...                                       > } } Data: Apparently this singularity is the natural result of all the plot }       holes and inconsistancies in our show. Captain, we are caught }       in its gravitational field and are just barely holding our }       position now. } } Picard: What should we do? Suggestions? } } Riker: Should we beam some Red Shirts over to it for some gratuitous }        violence? } } Picard: No, we stopped killing people we introduce you to unless they }         ask for more money during contract negotiations. So killing }         off Red Shirts is not an option. } } Riker: Damn! } } Worf: Perhaps we should attempt to use the ships weapons to destroy the }       singularity? } } Data: That would not work, as a singularity by definition is a single }       point of space that absorbs anything that falls into it. } } Riker: (Asides to Troy) That was a really violent suggestion from a guy }        who had a poodle dog as a kid. } } Picard: Perhaps Councellor Troy could use her telepathic powers to }         ascertain the feelings of the singularity? } } Data: That would not work as a singularity has no intelligence. } } Picard: Oh. Rather like the plot of most of our shows. } } Riker: (Thinking to himself) Hoo! Do I ever want to get into Councellor }        Troy's pants! Man is she hot! } } Troy: (Thinking to herself) There's now way that loser is going to get }       into my pants. } } Picard: Stop thinking that, you two. This is a family show. } } <A comlink feeps> } } Engineering: Captain! We've got an emergency down here! } } Picard: What is it? } } Engineering: There are only five minutes left before the last }              commercial break! } } Picard: Oh my God! Engineering! Get us out of here! Do whatever it } takes! } } <There follows a short scene where the bridge of the Enterprize stays> } <absolutely stable.                                                  > } } Riker: They did it! We've moved away from the singularity! } } Picard: And just barely in the nick of time for the last commercial }         break. Good job everyone! } ... } } You owe the Oracle a completely unpredictable episode of TNG.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #include <obgrovel.h> > > Why do i always get the weird ones?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The weird ones flock to you like silver-winged geese, ripe } with expectation for the jollities you provide.  Running } through piles of blue and yellow fried pork chops, they } laugh and chitter excitedly.  Golden rays of joy permeate } the room, spinning webs of gossamer which evaporate as soon } as they touch the mirror.  Smoky green tendrils climb the } walls, causing vast wonderment at their purpose.  Amid } all of this, your question pours from your lips, and you } wait expectantly for the reply that is your due.  A } feathery crowd rushes up to you, a breeze brushes across } your face, and the weird ones reply: } } "We love you, man!" } } You owe the Oracle some colorless green ideas, sleeping } furiously.