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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My flatmate has just got Chicken Pox. The last time I was > spotty my voice went all funny and girls didn't like me. > > What should I do to avoid catching it!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You need not fear catching chicken pox again. Given the symptoms you've } described, you're still suffering from the last time you caught it. } } You owe the Oracle a dozen leeches.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh great wise Usenet Oracle...Who knows what Senator Exon REALLY > does with his free time on the Internet... > Please tell me, how will the new Telecommunications law effect me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     I love you, you love me, }     We're a happy family! } } I'm so glad you asked me your wonderful question!  I always } love it when people ask me questions! There are many happy } children on the Internet and I am so happy to answer } their wonderful questions! } } You will find that the Computer Decency Act has not } changed anything on the Internet! } } You owe the Oracle a big warm hug and a subscription } to "Reader's Digest".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Say, buddy... Yeah, you, the all-powerful, all-knowing, so-full-of- > knowledge-one-would-think-you-were-obese... I have a question.  It's > simple, really, so you should have no trouble just tossing an answer my > way. > >   Why's my CD player wigging out this morning?  It keeps stopping at > random intervals.  I hate when that happens.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The FDA (Federal Department of Acoustics) has designed a "music } pyramid" to help ensure that your CD player is getting a well-balanced } diet. The diagram looks like this: }                                      /\ }                                     /  \ }                                    /pop \ }                                   / rap  \ }                                  /hip-hop \ }                                 /folk,metal\ }                                /____________\ }                               / Reggae, ska  \ }                              /  classic rock  \ }                             /__________________\ }                            / oldies   |  Jazz   \ }                           / classical |  blues   \ }                          /____________|___________\ } } Your CD player's diet should consist primarily of music from the lower } two areas. Music from the middle area should be played less frequently, } and music from the top area should be played rarely. } } To restore your CD player's health, cut down on music from the top } area. Remember: an ounce of the Mothers of Invention is worth a pound } of the Cure.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Will the Bulls win seventy games?  Does Dennis Rodman >         have a penis ring?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                      ** INTERCEPTED BY SEN. EXON ** } Sen. Exon: } I'm sorry, I can't allow this kind of languge to be used on the net. } I'm afraid you'll have to come with me. } } Suplicant: } But!  But!  It was a private email!  You can't do this! } } Sen. Exon: } I just did.  This is an anonymous email, the worst kind. } } (Oracle hears comotion and checks on it) } Oracle: } Whats's going on out here?  Keep it down! } (Oracle sees Sen. Exon and mumbles) } *mumbles something about god not creating politicians* } What brainless senators.  *ZOT* } } Ah, a question!  *reads question* } What brainless suplicants.  *ZOT* } } You owe the oracle a copy of Doom with one of the monsters replaced } with Sen. Exon.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, when were you last updated? > I'm beginning to see a few bugs and design flaws that seriously need > fixing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Those aren't bugs - they're features! } You owe the Oracle --ERROR! EROOR CODE 1DC8 DADA 55BG 32DE PLEASE } REPORT THIS FATAL ERROR TO THE ORACLE DEVELOPMENT TEAM AT } ORACLE@CS.INDIANA.EDU REPEAT A FATAL SYSTEM ERROR HAS OCCURED YOU MUST } NOW REBOOT AND LOSE ALL THE HOT LOVE NOTES YOU WERE WRITING TO YOUR } SECRET LUST. IT'S HORRIBLE, WE KNOW. --

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> D00D! WH3RZ TH3 N00D G1F5!?!?!!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!11!!1!!!!111!!! > > PL33Z HURRY! I 0NLY HAV3 T3N FR33 H0URZ 0NL1N3!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *The Oracle mutters something under his breath about damn newbies* } } Listen, kid.  I don't have the time to help you get nude GIF files to } drool over, ok? } } Geez. Not even a grovel or anything. } } *He glances over his shoulder, sighs, and leans forward, whispering } conspiratorially* } } But listen.  I'm feeling nice today.  All you have to do is grab a web } browser and point it at http://www.prism.gatech.edu/~vaps4dk -- the } secret word i... } } *BOOM* } *The door gets knocked in* } } FBI AGENT> Away from the computer.  AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER!  NOW! } } Wha... Who...? } } FBI AGENT> Hands against wall!  NOW! } } Don't you know who I am?  I'm the USENET Oracle!  I'll ZOT you all to } he -- } } FBI AGENT> I don't CARE who you are.  It's Communications Decency } pal... there's a law against pages like that! } } But... it's a fake page... there's nothing sexu... } } FBI AGENT> Tell it to the JUDGE!  Get out of my sight.  Alright, come } on, turn all these things off.  NOW! } } *The agent reaches for the plug at the wall* } } Wait!  No!  Don't!  It's just a big misunderstan@HE)@*@9u3(@#(!*! } (*&WE(@ } } Connection closed by foreign host. } } You owe the oracle a first amendment.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Howdy Hi! > > Can you tell me the way to the bathroom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Down the hall and to your right; it's the door that says, "Bathroom". } (The Truth in Advertising Act at work.) } } I'll overlook your unseemly haste -- and the omission of a grovel -- } in view of the way you're pressing your legs together. } } You owe the Oracle... Nah. Forget it.  Just put the seat down.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, what's a <<<<CENSORED>>>>?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A <<<<CENSORED>>>> is a kind of <<<<CENSORED>>>> which a lot of } animals/mammals etcetera have. They are not gender specific, so men and } women both have a <<<<CENSORED>>>>. <<<<CENSORED>>>> also happens to be } one of the "Seven dirty words" which are banned in most transmissions } (except autos and fluids). The other six are <<<<CENSORED>>>>, } <<<<CENSORED>>>>, <<<<CENSORED>>>>, <<<<CENSORED>>>>, <<<<CENSORED>>>>, } and finally <<<<CENSORED>>>> which isn't really all that bad, but is } impolite to use at parties. } } You owe the Oracle one <<<<CENSORED>>>> of your <<<<CENSORED>>>>.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whose is the most delicious sh*t to be eaten instead of the X-mas > turkey?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That of any Republican Presidential candidate. They are aware of this } fact, and that's why they dish up heaping portions to the American } people, via their TV sets, every hour on the hour or even more often in } you live in New Hampshire. Each candidate wants the people to pick his } sh*t over that of any other candidate, and that's why they all run } negative ads expounding on the sh*ttiness of the other candidates' sh*t } and glorifying their own. In reality, they are really all the same. Any } way you slice it, it's still sh*t. } } You owe the Oracle an exemption from the Communications Decency Act.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am a new user - test run - how do I get to the web browser?  I click > "web" and it takes me to a statement about the protest and then some > suggestions but i do not see how to actually initiate a search.  Thanks > Also - can I use netscape along with pipeline?  I tried and got a > "check winsock" and "connect first" message.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think I know from where your problems stem. } Would you, could you, RTFM? } }   I would not, could not, RTFM }   I want *YOU* to solve my problem. } } Could you read the docs online? } Would you read them any time? } }   I would not read the docs online, }   Without them I can do just fine. } } Would you read a FAQ or HOWTO? } Is this something you could do? } }   I could not read a FAQ or HOWTO. }   Even the thought makes me spew. } } What could I suggest next? } Would you read it in HyperText? } }   I would not read help in hypertext, }   For the problem with which I am vexed. } } How about if you could read it through } A conveniently placed system menu? } }   I will not access help from a menu. }   That stuff is a bunch of ballyhoo! } } How much simpler could this be? } Did you try the help hotkey? } }   I'll try not a help hotkey, }   To that I will never agree! } }   I would not, could not RTFM. }   I want *you* to solve my problem! } } Since you will not RTFM, } You I must now condemn } } To a life without working software, } And a constant feeling of despair. } } You owe the Oracle a book by Dr. Suess, } Or maybe something by Mother Goose.