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} Long, long ago there was a man named Valentine who, I suppose, was
} basically a decent old coot. One day he croaked. Later, he was
} Poperized (it's my word, and if you don't like it, go away) into a
} saint. Of course, some fool decided to make this day into a holiday,
} creating great difficulties for the rest of us.
}
} Well, earlier in this century, a bunch of gangsters in the U.S. killed
} a bunch of other generally unsavory characters on that day of the year.
} This became known as The Saint Valentine's Day Massacre.
}
} After that, on this holiday, people took to tracking down folks they
} didn't like, and shooting them in the ass with an arrow, or feeding
} them poisoned confections, to commemorate the great massacre (without
} quite killing the targets - that was frowned upon). Another common
} practice was to surround their victim's domicile with flowers or other
} plants to which the victims were especially allergic, thereby causing
} the victim to fall into a coughing, choking, asthmatic fit. If you
} were particularly clever, you might even find a way to get this noxious
} pollen INTO the house. This was considered a great accomplishment.
} Typical weapons were tulips, roses, chocolates or mints, and
} razor-edged arrowheads. Sometimes notes or letters were sent to the
} victim to fool them into being somewhere at a particular time, in order
} to set up the "joke" more smoothly.
}
} Of course, someone realized they could take advantage of this
} situation, and started selling pre-printed notes and cards especially
} for this holiday. Thus, the great Card Franchises (such as Hallmark)
} sprang up. They also started selling candy and flowers. Of course,
} because of interstate trade laws, they could not commercially sell any
} of the poisons and such, so through subtle mind control and clever
} manipulation, the symbol of the arrowhead was gradually changed to a
} "heart" (though it resembles no actual heart anywhere in the natural
} world, but still rather looks like an arrowhead), the candy was pushed
} wothout additives, and the proprietors started to make good money.
} Realizing they had a Good Thing going, they applied more gentle but
} constant influence and have even managed to convince the public in
} modern times that they are supposed to send these things to FRIENDS!!
}
} They actually printed pictures of some little *cherub*, for Grid's
} sake, shooting someone in the ass with an arrow, and managed to market
} it as some sort of symbol of love! Have you ever heard anything more
} ridiculous?!
}
} So if you want to celebrate the true spirit of Valentine's Day, you
} should visit your girlfriend and shoot her in the ass with an arrow.
} If this is too uncivilized for you in these modern days, I'm sure you
} can think of something at least Freudianly symbolic of same. If you
} happen to be female, well, I'm sure you'll think of something.
}
} You owe The Oracle a new history book. This one is getting hard to
} read.
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