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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why on earth does the IBM JCL reference manual contain so many > references to my sex life?  There's at least one per chapter, and it's > pretty embarrassing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh!!  So you've also read "What to do when your dick gets stuck in disk } drive A..."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I addicted to roast beef?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  The real question, of course, is why.  It has to do with that } fling of yours on a farm, with someone whose name you never knew.  [I } will reveal her name at the end of my answer.] } } Do you remember that fine spring day when you were so starved for } companionship, so you thought to clear your mind by taking a walk in the } pure countryside?  You were enjoying the pastoral view and the fresh } air, just a bit nippy with the gentle spring breeze bringing you the } fragrance of just-opened buds.  Then you saw her, the female of your } dreams. } } You knew at once that you were meant for one another, and you stood } enraptured at her calm, ingenuous country beauty, unsullied by the smog } or the grinding, mind-numbing bustle of the city, free of the } gum-snapping vacuousness of so many you'd met (and, you were forced to } admit, even lusted after). } } You hadn't known that such beauty existed:  as she relaxed near your } path, your eyes feasted on her.  She had, in the words of the } Victorians, a beautifully-turned ankle, and her figure -- ah, her } figure.  Some might call her overly plump, but you knew better, and your } eyes travelled up her leg, past her ample rump, to her enormous ... } ahem.  But her most striking feature was her eyes.  Large, brown, almost } liquid with emotion, they beckoned you closer, and her full lips wore a } Mona Lisa-like expression.  You approached, touched, caressed. } } She seemed a tease:  despite her enticing manner and her acquiescence to } your advances, she was reluctant to lie down in the field with you.  You } were making progress -- though few words were exchanged, few were needed } -- when a shotgun blast sailed over your heads.  The farmer!  With your } clothes in some disarray, you took off running, and he shouted after } you, "What you doing in my cow pasture, boy?  You leave my Holsteins } alone!" } } Now you eat roast beef to try to purge the memory of that cow (and the } protective farmer) from your memory.  You are psychologically dependent } on it, and though it makes you miserable, you can't stop.  It's quite a } shame, actually. } } Her name was Bossy. } } You owe the Oracle a rare steak.  Very rare.  In fact, it will be } sufficient to just walk the cow by the fire.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What should I get my Father (49), Mother (48), Sister (15), and Uncle > (40-45?) for Christmas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For your father: }       A transparent nightgown (for his secretary, not for him) } For your mother: }       A transparent nightgown (to make your father a little more }         interested) }       A vibrator (if he isn't) } For your sister: }       A padded bra }       A diaphragm } For your uncle: }       The key to your sister's bedroom } } You owe the Oracle a Merry Christmas

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ai, yai yai yai, your mother eats batshit off cavewalls.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Perhaps you should refer to an elementary school grammar book as you } seem to be unclear as to how to form a question.  The correct form for } this question would have it end with a question mark.  In case you don't } know what they look like, they look like this:  ? } That would be shift / on most keyboards.  It is also advisable to make } clear what the question is trying to find out, for example:  "Is it true } that your mother eats batshit off cavewalls?" or "Did you know that your } mother eats batshit off cavewalls?" } }       The omniscient oracle hopes you have been enlightened.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most wise, I need help. > > I am in my bedroom.  A woman with big biker thighs is wearing a leather > teddy, jack boots and a German officers hat while goosestepping around > the bed.  What does this mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It means that you are going to owe this woman a lot of money very soon. } Or perhaps an Iron Cross medal.  If you wish to get rid of this woman, } show her a picture of the holes in the Berlin wall and remind her that } pieces of it are now being sold in America for Christmas gifts. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Heavy Blimp's trashing single "Uber De } Alles"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many chucks could a woodchuck chuck, if I were larger than Mt. > Everest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So next time you buy a vowel } and you're staring at Vanna } don't you throw in the towel } but rather sit bak and peal that ban ana. } } Just remember to form your answer as a quest tion } or you won't win any money } And we all know its so much fun } to smear you crotch with honey. } } 4 score an d nine ban anas ago } a would chucked Mt Ever rest into the sea } And we should all know } that he chuked a chuck total of three. } } So Happy Yule and Merry new year } as Santa robs from the poor and gives to the rich } Be free of pain, strife and fear } A female dog is a bitch.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it safe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nothing is ever safe.  Security is an illusion.  We're all going to die } in the Universe's heat-death, so what the f*ck does it matter anyways?? } I'm getting sick of answering all these questions from brain-damaged } computer geeks!  I'M AN ORACLE FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! } ---======*********SKKAAAA-BOOOOOOOOOOOM********======--- } "Oracle, this is GOD speaking..." } Er um...  I'm sorry oh lord of the cosmos!  It's been a bad day, my } priests have been bugging me about a raise and the mists all stink of } swamp gas and..." "Shut up.  Do you think I want to hear this sh*t?  I'M } GOD!  Now stop your mewling and anser the persons question CORRECTLY." } But...  but...  I don't know what they are reffering to!!  <sob sob> } "Stopping that sniffling you miserable wretch!  They are obviously } talking about safe sex.  Do I have to replace you with Johnny Carson??" } NO!!  Oh No sir, I promise, I'll do better, it was just a temporary } lapse...  <smarm gorvel grovel> } "STOP THAT!!!! GET BACK TO WORK BEFORE I TURN YOU INTO A LAVA-LAMP!!!!" } KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! } } } Um.... } } } Oh yeah... is it safe... } um, of course it is!! But only if you use a Condomn... or a diaphragm.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that all short people are inferior? > > P.S. I'm 6'3"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  I'm 6' 0", and I would acknowledge being inferior to you, except } that I am the Oracle and you aren't, so nyaaaaaaaaaah nyaaaaaaaaaah, } nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh! } } Listen, sunshine.  Short people start wars, scare animals, abuse } children, smash windows, resist arrest, take drugs, spread AIDS, perform } cruel experiments upon live animals, support the IRA, buy imported } goods, draw social security, distribute buggy compilers, drive over } hedgehogs, burn the cakes, forget the words to `God Save The Queen', } listen to commercial radio loudly at 3 AM, borrow the books from the } library that you want for your assignment, join the Labour Party, join } the Conservative Party, support independence for Scotland, give their } girlfriends cheap perfume, refuse their boyfriends intercourse, and } generally make life for us normal people into an insufferable torture. } } I am NOT a shortophobe -- !BUT!  -- Hitler was short, Mussolini was } short, the people who invented BASIC were all short, the Viet Cong are } short, the Irish are short, gypsies are short, homosexuals are all } decidedly below average height, Lord Lucan is short, Ron Brown MP is } short, Colonel Gaddafi is short, Ian Paisley is short, fleas are short, } Ron Todd is short, rats are short, bacteria are microscopic, the } striking ambulance workers are all short...what we need is the FINAL } SOLUTION!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, we have all heard a lot about Lisa, the > net.sex.goddess, whose life is dedicated to sex, and who is a true > master in her field.  But surely, there must be other net.*.god(desse)s, > who excel in "*".  (Although not as intereseting as Lisa). > > But it would be intersting to hear about others.  So I ask you this > time:  Who is the net.suppleness.goddess ?  Please, Oh Mighy One, tell > me about her.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Her name is Barbara, and she lives on the fourth floor. } You must go and meet her personally. } Her phone number can be found by dialing 411 and asking for Barbara } the Great Goddess of Suppleness. } By the way, she loves Dominoes Pizza.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What shall a pure virgin do when she's cornered between: > > 1. An aroused highpriest of the Oracle. > 2. A recruiting priestess of the Secluded Monastery of Bald Virgins. > 3. A pit filled with hairy and vicious tarantula's. > 4. A dark and suspicious phone-box with the message ' Aids telephone '.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Pure virgins indeed face a dilemma. } }         Let the oracle analyze your situation: } } > 1.  An aroused highpreist of the Oracle. } }         These people are dangerous, but the Oracle keeps Lisa around to } allow them to relieve their petty human pressures with.  The Oracle's } high priests are quite satisfied with Lisa, and would not easily be } convinced to choose another.  The Oracle's high preistesses, on the } other hand, are very happy with Dave, and will not even give you a } second glance. } } > 2.  A recruiting preistess of the Secluded Monastary of Bald Virgins } }         These people are also dangerous, but are even fewer in number } than the elite high preists of the Oracle.  The SMBV's work for peace, } justice, and the American way; but are dying out because of in } explicable inability to reproduce.  If you think you can produce } spontaneous impregnation in a community of bald virgins, than this is } for you, and there are several people who would like to have you deliver } sermons on the mount of olives. } } > 3.  A pit filled with hairy and vicious tarantulas. } }         These are just plain gross.  Stay away from them. } } > 4.  A dark and suspicious phone-box with the message 'AIDS telephone'. } }         This is simply one of Jesse Helms' direct phone lines to report } suspected cases of homosexuality.  You are supposed to call if you see } anything that doesn't correspond to his rather narrow definition of what } we should and should not do.  Most people just urinate in them. } }         It seems that you're stuck, but the Oracle suggests the aroused } high preises of the Oracle of a choice has to be made.