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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,  You are incredibly intelligent and handsome, I > might add, If thou art the most wise indeed, please answer the enigma > that has been puzzling me for many centuries: How much wood would a > woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh my GOD GAG ME WITH A SPOON! } } You've, like, TOTALLY offended me. } } I mean, first, I'm like, a girl, you know, and by saying i'm HANDSOME } you are stating implicitly that I'm probably, you know, like *gross*, } a male.  How do you know that I'm not, like, some kind of trasnvestite? } You just can't win. } } GOD, you are such a DWEEB!  Don't you know English?  No one says } 'thou' anymore.  You're so DORKY!  You're probably, like, OLD, like, } REALLY ANCIENT.  Like, wrinkled skin and maybe you walk around with } your pants pulled up really high.  Ew, gross. } } You're so damn NERDY.  I can't talk to you. } } You thought I was going to, like, zot you?  Like, NOT.  I'd probably } break a nail or something and then I'd like be really mad and wouldn't } have anyone to kick around. } } You're such a Beavis. } } Some people.  WHATEVER!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hiya there Oracle, wasup? > > Does this make sense: > "I See," said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw. > > Thanks a bunch!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "I hear," said the deaf man, as he picked up his sheep and heard. } "I speak," said the dumb man, as he picked up his bicycle and spoke. } "I smell," said the nosy man, as he picked up his fish and smelt. } "I feel," said the insensitive man, as he picked up his flannel and }   felt. } "I run," shrugged the lame man, as he picked up his Atlas Ayn Ran. } "I know," said the supplicant, as she took off her clothes and nude. } "I zit," said the Oracle, as he picked up his staff and *ZOT*. } } Does this make sense?  Nope. } } You owe the Oracle a picture of yourself just before the *ZOT*.  On } second thought, never mind.  I'd rather have the fish.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great megaknowledgeable Oracle extraordinaire, I come to you as a > rather perplexed supplicant and beseech you to answer my humble query: > > Why the @#%& do the car manufacturers make it so @#%!$&% difficult to > take everything apart?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dearest Supplicant, } }    They don't make it difficult to take things apart.  They merely } require the right tools. } }    Compare the price of an ordinary wrench at your local hardware } store ($2.50) with the price of one of Ford's Auto-sensing Easy-remove } Pliers for the Third Bolt on the Left of the radiator ($250.00). } With the first, you have to tug and tear at each bolt.  With the } second, you merely turn and the radiator's third bolt on the left } will come off with ease. } }    Although the complete cost of all the tools required to open } a car's engine completely might be a bit steep for the average } hobbyist, if you don't have the right tools, what are you doing poking } about the engine? } }    You owe the Oracle an inverted 5/23-inch heptagonal wrench and a } pair of underflung pruning-hook pliers with electrical resistance } greater than 100 ohms.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, most - excuse me... > > Sorry, Oh might- sorry here they come again... > > Oh magnificent Orac.. ouch! > > Hold on a moment... > > Please excuse me, I'm a little out of breath... Right! Oh magnificent > Oracle etc. I hope you'll pardon the rather perfunctory grovel, but I > am being pursued by some militant members of the Woodchuck Liberation > Front. What should I do? > > I tried taking your earlier advice about the egg-whisk and the signed > photograph of Bill Clinton, and although it seemed to work in the > short term, but they've come back, in considerably greater numbers > this time. > > I fear that unless you can hel... oh bugger - here they come again. > Help!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant, } } You are obviously in dire need of the tried-and-true methods of } political dissuasion: } } Splitting the factions. } } First and foremost, you must understand that nothing destroys a groups } internal dynamics like internal conflict. So try introducing such } precepts to them as "Wood Chucking may be Bad for the Environment", } "Chucking Quotas and a Fair System" and "Differently Abled Citizens and } their Right to be Chuckers". Agree to meet with them when they can come } to some sort of agreement about Volume vs. Weight measurements. Ask } them to present a policy on the introduction of Wood Substitutes. } Suggest a forum of interested parties debating the topic "IS } Woodchucking as bad as Woodchipping, and is it Sustainable?" There's } nothing like having two topics at the one discussion to really bring } out the dissenters there. } } Then, once the partitions (veneers?) are starting to show, invite the } heads of the obviously-still-dedicated sectors to a meeting at your } place, and ensure that while they're gone, some sort of rumour starts } circulating among the waiting faithful that their beloved leaders are } defecting to the other side. } } Finally, it shouldn't be too hard to plant the following disinformation } package among those remaining in the cause: } }         Woodchuck History: } }         Recent excavations in Norway have proved that the origins }         of the humble Woodchuck (Marmota Monax) and those of the }         Red-backed Lemming (Lemmus Myopus) are identical. } }         The ancestor of both these animals, the Larger Burrowing }         Migrator (Bagginsus Fiskia Spilodes), eventually evolved }         into the two well-known animals. However, these studies }         have also proven that the true evolutionary path was that }         followed by the Myopus. Members of the Monax group }         appeared as a result of a drastic mutation caused by }         over-exposure to wood sawdust in the trees destroyed by }         this feral beast. True Spilodes descendants . . .(etc.) } } This should result in the animals giving up the wood-chucking part of } their lives, and retiring into the background of groundhogging, where } they belong. Either that, or they should begin marching inexorably } towards the nearest high cliffs... } } You owe the Oracle a cloudy day next Feb. 2nd. } } This answer provided by the incarnation also known as the Midnight Fox

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> %DCL-I-SUPERSEDE, previous value of ORRIE has been superseded

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm. } } $ SHOW ORACLE /UPTIME } }       Uptime: 000 00:00:00.20 } } $ SHOW ORACLE /QUESTIONS } }       Questions handled this session: 62498 } } $ SHOW ORACLE /QUESTIONS /FULL } }       Questions handled this session: 62498 } }       Distribution: } }       Woodchuck       62497   (99.99%) }       Personal        0       (0.00%) }       Political       0       (0.00%) }       Philosohical    0       (0.00%) }       Meaningful      0       (0.00%) }       Computer        1       (0.00%) } }       Original questions asked: 0 (0.00%) } } $ SHOW ORACLE /ZOT } }       Total ZOT Buffers: 65536 }       Free ZOT Buffers: 65536 } } $ SHOW ORACLE /CURRENT_SUPPLICANT /GROVEL } }       Current supplicant grovel rating : 0 }       ZOT recommended. } } $ LOGOUT } } It would seem you are correct. You owe the Oracle a copy of VMS which } runs on a PC.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I go to New York or to Chicago for my vacation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a good question...let's look at the ever-popular handy comparison } chart: } } CATEGORY           NEW YORK                    CHICAGO } Type of pizza      Thin crust and greasy       Stuffed and greasy } Rapid transit      Subway                      Elevated } Found in river     Dead people                 Green dye } Bad baseball team  Mets                        Cubs } Souvenir           Statue of Liberty figurine  Al Capone figurine } Airport named for  Assassinated President      Shot down WWII aviator } Major newspaper    No comics                   Plenty of comics } Named after        Town in England             Smelly onions } Department store   Macy's                      Marshall Field's } Name of downtown   Downtown                    The Loop } Famous street      Broadway                    State Street } Capital of U.S.?   Yes, in 1780's              Never } Engineering feat   Brooklyn Bridge             River flows backwards } Media hdqtrs.      ABC, CBS, NBC, many others  Oprah Winfrey } Famous mayor       Ed Koch                     Richard J. Daley } Famous phrase      "How am I doing?"           "Teargas the protestors." } Poet               Walt Whitman                Carl Sandburg } Poem about city    "Crossing Brooklyn Ferry"   Hog Butcher for the world } Universities       Columbia, NYU               U of Chicago,Northwestern } Ethnic food        Bagels and lox              Polish sausage&sauerkraut } Recent disaster    World Trade Center bombed   Downtown tunnels flooded } Smelly suburb      Bayonne, New Jersey         Gary, Indiana } TV show locale     "Seinfeld"                  "Perfect Strangers" } Movie locale       "Miracle on 34th Street"    "Home Alone" } Book locale        "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn"  "The Jungle" } } So, after weighing each of these factors, it appears that the best place } for you to vacation is...Acapulco. } } You owe the Oracle six days and five nights at a beachside resort.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oh wonderous Oracle, he who knows the secret of the black magic >      box, please help me thy humble supplicant by sparing a tiny morsel >      of your wisdom to enlighten me. > >      Will my sex life ever return now I have a baby daughter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sadly, no.  When you procreated, you passed on most of your sex life to } your daughter.  It will lay dormant in her until puberty, when she will } then have full access to it.  Don't be fooled by the "residual" sex } life that you will experience during the next few years.  As your } daughter matures, you will be plagued by thoughts of "Oh my God, my } daughter is doing *this* with someone?" which tends to put a damper on } things for yourself. } } You owe the Oracle a book about whatever hobby gradually fills uses } that soon-to-be-spare time and energy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Orrie, > > I think I probably found the solution to the energy-problems in the > world, but before I hand in my patent request, I thought I might > check it with you, you know, just for old friends' sake. > When you explode a H-bomb at the South pole, would there be cold > nuclear fusion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The one problem with H-bombing the South Pole is that penguins tend to } mutate under intense radiation.  They grow to huge proportions, and } develop sharp incisors, and gnaw upon the Antarctic ice, leaving you } with hundreds of thousands of giant mutant icechucks.  Ice gnawed by } these creatures would break loose, float north to warmer climates, and } melt.  If enough ice is dislodged, coastal areas could be flooded.  The } question is, how much ice would these icechucks chuck?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you've failed the Turing Test.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Damn Kaplan..."guaranteed higher scores" they said...I'll prove them } wrong...<sound of shotgun being cocked>.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I ask you this humble question - "How are > ball-bearings made?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First you find a ball.  Any ball will do, but you might prefer one } no smaller than a softball.  Then pick any four sides.  The choice } is yours.  On one side write the letter "N", on another the letter } "S", on the third the letter "W" and on the fourth the letter "E". } There you have it.  Then anytime you throw, bounce, toss, roll or } whatever, that ball, you will forever know that ball's bearings.