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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what's the best place to meet someone for a profitable, long-lasting, > enjoyable relationship?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What are you in for? } } You owe The Oracle a nailfile and a bar of dark coloured soap.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh gracious Oracle, your benevolence is astonishing, your wisdom is > astounding.  I am in awe of you > > Why doesn't England just get rid of that embarrassing monarchy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is simply an example of the "Not In My Backyard" principle.  Quite } frankly no one likes to have deposed or disposed of monarchies in their } backyard.  Look at the trouble the US had over that Shah fellow from } Iran.  In many ways, the monarchy is like a land fill site.  Allow me } to enumerate: } } Five Reasons Why a Monarchy is Like a Landfill } ---------------------------------------------- } } 1.  Everyone should go at least once.  Otherwise you never really }     believe what they look like on TV. } } 2.  People are always amazed at how much stuff there is around the }     place.  And most of it looks old or likely to fall apart. } } 3.  They usually put a big fence around and guards to keep people from }     sneaking in or out.  (But always ask yourself, "Who would want to?" } } 4.  The goverment pretends that they control how much money goes into }     one, but the truth is you give them as much money as they want just }     to keep them from giving you a bad name. } } 5.  Everyone thinks it's a nifty idea to have one unless they're }     footing the bill or the damn thing lives too close to home.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The correct question (to your answer, in "Jeopardy!" format) is: } What did the Buddhist monk say to the mime? } } You owe the Oracle a hearing aid.  I fear I may not have heard you } correctly.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo Oracle! > > Vinnie the Squid was visiting with the Padrone yesterday with > what appeared to be a terrible problem:  he can no longer make > the nut on his payoffs.  I wasn't in the room, but the word > on the street is that Vinnie was in a very bad way.  The Padrone, > seeing as Vinnie is married to his wife's cousin and the fact > that Vinnie is a made man, was naturally very concerned for > Vinnie. > > Now usually, a bookie can't make the nut, he's been giving bad > odds or skimming too much and spending it on booze or drugs or, > heaven forbid, he's got troubles collecting on his debts.  These > things happen sometimes and we know how to handle them.  A few > boys pay a call, and debts get paid.  Likewise, if it's booze > or drugs, the same boys pay a different kind of visit.  Anyway, > Vinnie's been bookmaking for something like 17 years and never > had these kind of problems.  Like I said, he's a made man and > very respectful to the Padrone and the family. > > So naturally, the Padrone can't understand what the problem is. > Well, it takes a while for the story to come out, but apparently > Vinnie's been on the Internet of all things and is trying to > expand his business.  It all looks good for a couple of months until > he starts getting the most amazing bets made by some guy called > Orrie.  100 to 1 odds.  500 to 1 odds.  Simply amazing bets. > > But you know, this Orrie guy, he knows his stuff.  He always wins. > And poor Vinnie, he tries to keep up with it for a while but he > figures the guy's on a streak and he takes one last bet to try to > catch up for all the payoff's he's been making. > > Well, you know the rest of the story.  At any rate, it turns out > the Padrone's connected, right?  He's HEARD of this Orrie guy.  It > turns out he goes way back.  He had some kind of scam going on in Italy > a while back.  Get this:  the guy's omniscient.  He KNOWS how the bets > are gonna turn out BEFORE they happen. > > So, the Padrone, on the account of Vinnie being married to family > and all, takes on the debt.  Vinnie owes him a small favor but that's > another story.  The Padrone calls me into his office, explains the > situation, and asks me personally to come talk to you. > > What it comes down to is that the Padrone would like you to forget > about the money.  It's a family thing.  You do this favor for the > Padrone and some day the Padrone does a favor for you.  I'm sure > an omniscient guy like you can understand. > > Whaddaya say?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In fact, The Oracle was performing a service for his friend the } Padrone, by showing him that this gnocchi-for-brains Vinnie the Squid } should not be allowed to make book, 'cause he was too soft on the } suckers.  If Vinnie had had the ounce of sense that Dio gave to a } pesce, Vinnie would have tried to muscle up this "Orrie" for his } system.  (Of course it would'nt have worked, but you see my point.) } Tell Mr. Graciella, uh, I mean "Mr. Smith" that the debt is forgiven, } with no harm done.  (Besides, The Oracle has plenty of money for the } moment, been having some fun with selling short calls on the options } exchange, you should see the SEC squirm!) } } You owe the Oracle nothing, just take your horse's head and leave.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the sky really blue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's recovering from an unhappy love affair.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, who is quite simply super-duper smart > > I was reading in this book I found in my hotel room about three wise > men who brought gifts to a baby in a manger.  You were not mentioned by > name, but I assume you were one of these wise men and I was wondering > which gift you brought the baby?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That book in the hotel room doesn't tell the whole story. } } In actual fact, there were FOUR wise men.  Yes, I was the fourth. } But I didn't go traipsing in with those other guys with their gold, } frankincense, and myrrh.  I waited till they'd gone, and then persuaded } the baby's mother that the kid had no earthly use for that kind of } rubbish, and she'd be much better off if she traded them to me in } exchange for a dozen packages of disposable diapers. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the original King James edition, before } that bit got taken out.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Huh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I SAID, "THAT'S NOT WHERE THE SUPPOSITORY GOES".

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great, all-powerful, politician-squashing Oracle: > > The voices is my head left me recently, and I've been lonely without > them.  I've asked in the lost and found departments of several > stores, but the salespeople just stared at me.  How do I get my voices > back?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant, please tell me you have checked the classified ads } already?  Everybody knows that voices usually apply for work there. } Here's a few I took from my morning copy of Delphi Times. } } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } DEEP THROATY VOICE seeks head to occupy and lavish with words of } self-loathing and doubt.  Is good with angst, dejection, pain, } misery and small animals.  No smokers.  555-2626 } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } SMALL, WHIMPERING NASAL TONE desires young child's head to reside } within and suggest interesting ways to seek revenge against the } local oppressors.  Extensive firearm and power tool knowledge } available, leave message at 867-5309. } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } SPIRIT OF A LONG DEAD ANCIENT CHINESE GOD seeks mortal to } reincarnate within to resume the plans for domination of mankind. } Am good with lightning and tsunamis.  We'll contact you. } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } VOICE OF REASON, recently deposed from previous housing, looking } for person with doubt to help soothe anxieties and guide in life. } Past experience and resume available upon demand.  Leave voicemail } at 411-7734. } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle 25 cents for the paper.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Had your name changed huh? > > Who are you trying to hide from? :)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Um, no. } I think you have the wrong guy, actually. } I'm me. Always have been. } Check my papers. They're all in order. } Honest. } It's just a hobby of mine to turn my head fast when I hear the name } Harvey. No name changes. Not at all. } You can even check my Omnipotent Oracle job application; it's on file. } Really. } Trust me. } } You owe the Oracle a better Witness Relocation Program.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, please tell me where in the holy Cyber does February > 29 hide during 1997.1998, and 1999?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As the Oracle is sure you know, compression techniques have been } dramatically improved over the last few years.  We can now store what } used to take up gigabytes on megabytes, and so on.  What is happening } to February 29th, is that it's only allowed to be uncompressed every } four years, otherwise the calendar runs out of space, and time comes to } a standstill.  It's still there the rest of the time, just compressed } down to 24 nanoseconds between February 28th and March 1st. } } You owe The Oracle a month of Sundays.