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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, please tell me who I am.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm still working on _what_.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most definatly do, but only on odd seconds, and 3 times apiece. } If the pangalatic gargleblasters get in the way, I can take care } of them.  Use only 72% muna hydrotic sulfate, and atleast .06% } lonnietort zilchwat.  Also, on alternate uses, use 5.3% cendrel zornk, } replacing the 5.3% xeron alcow.  When finished, be sure to remodulate } the plasma coils and such, and cover up your work with a tuzkwalp } mortinoodle (TM).  After the deed is done, please inichiate the } selfdestruct system, as to prevent all things such as hidden Querena } Alpha cameras and its like, but use your special oracle-manufactored } joquer lemur escape module.  That should do it.  As for your other } questions, no, I do not keep hungry walruses in my cumquat salad, } yes, dead penguins of the Beta Loreta galaxy are great for the game } of pwomart, and finally, only sometimes do telephones spontaniously } try to strangle republican canidates.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh gratest of all great oracles,  would you happen to know another > listserver adress that had "letteman's top ten" list on them?  I tried > listserv@listserv.clark.net and they do not have that list any more. > I also can't use the www so any adress you give me there will not help. > Thank you oh great oracle for your help and time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why bother with that gap-toothed New Yorker, when you can get top ten } lists from yours truly?  I have produced classics like 137-05, 308-03, } 393-05, 568-01, and 569-10!  Now, here's one more for you: } } TOP TEN REASONS THE INTERNET ORACLE BEATS THE PANTS OFF LETTERMAN } ---------------------------------------------------------------- } 10. They were on fire. }  9. Supplicant grovels are way more entertaining than stupid people }     tricks. }  8. I'm smart enough to not let Madonna in in the first place. }  7. My band can play symphonic music. }  6. I don't have to negotiate with television networks. }  5. Indiana is a MUCH nicer place than New York. }  4. I have bulging muscles.  Need I say more? }  3. Women adore me (see #4). }  2. My language is not limited by any @#$*%?! broadcast code (just a }     @#$*%?! Internet Decency Act). } } And the #1 reason I beat the pants off of David Letterman is: } }  1. *I* am funny! } } You owe David Letterman a tube of tooth-gap filler and some better } writers.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle so good and wise > hear my plaintive, puny cries. > I have no sense of smell, you see > and here is what that means to me. > > I can clean up cat poop quick, > there are no smells that make me sick. > The trouble is I can not cook. > I have to follow close the book. > > I love my husband lots, you see > and want to feed him treats from me. > but guessing spices is my fate > which risks disaster on a plate. > > Food is all consistency > at least it seems that way to me. > Crunchy, soft, complex or plain, > to me most flavors are the same. > > Oh Oracle who knows it all > (I know this is an order tall). > How can this poor girl learn to make > feasts of food for her poor mate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know full well, dear scentless one, } a gourmet kitchen's hard to run. } It's not the proper place to be } when taste's a scarce commodity. } } If in other ways he can be pleased, } you could just feed him MREs, } but if you can't, here are some tips } to satisfy your husband's lips: } } Above all else, ask what he wants. } He may not care for elephants. } He may prefer a steak or ham } or might despise the taste of yams. } } The color is important too } especially if it's something new. } His response won't be surprising } If it looks unappetizing. } } Start with things you know he likes } and serve just one new dish each night. } That way, your hubby's satisfied } no matter what strange thing you've tried. } } These little hints should help a bit } to keep your fella's taste buds lit. } If it doesn't work, as a last resort } buy Tabasco by the quart.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr, Oracle, sir, > > I've been really, really bored lately.  I mean we're talking some > serious boredom here.  I'ts like I'm just tired of everything in life. > Nothing excites me like it used to.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}            TOP ONE-HUNDRED FIFTY THINGS TO DO WHEN BORED }                      (in no particular order) } } Quit your job.  Learn to ski.  Make a snowman.  Eat some turkey.  Run } a marathon.  Play "Marathon."  Take a shower.  Shake a tower.  Play a } game.  Play a wild game.  Play with wild game.  Make a lintman.  Fold. } Spindle.  Mutilate.  Throw pencils at the acoustical tiles.  An } "askme."  Ten "askmes."  A hundred "askmes."  Make a spamman.  Learn } Bourne shell.  Learn Korn shell.  Learn elisp.  Learn TECO.  Port } "wordstar" to a Cray.  Port "pong" to a SGI.  Procrastinate. } Prognosticate.  Procreate.  Proliferate.  Proportionate.  Write a new } operating system.  Market it.  Piss off Bill Gates.  Date a girl. } Carbon-date a girl.  Date a boy.  Twister! (a Milton-Bradley game). } Eat some Jello.  Trek Classic.  Trek: The Pepsi Generation.  Take a } drink everytime Wesley saves the ship.  Nurse your hangover. } Contemplate your navel.  Comprehend Andy Rooney.  Rhyme with "orange." } Lambada!  Sing the lyrics to "Gilligan's Island" to the music of } "Stairway to Heaven."  Write a complex simulation game where Sylvester } Stallone and Douglas Hofstadter battle each other for domination of } the universe.  Market it.  Piss off Bill Gates again.  Compare apples } and oranges.  Circle the square.  Square the circle.  Solve the } four-color map problem.  Explain "SeaQuest DSV."  Rent a movie.  Buy a } movie.  Wonder why you buy movies when renting them is good enough. } "Classic Transformers."  Enjoy it.  "Transformers Generation 2."  Toss } your cookies.  Kill Garfield.  Kill President Garfield (time machine } required).  Throw water balloons.  Throw syrup balloons.  Throw } concrete balloons.  Eat some pizza.  Make some money.  Work.  Play. } Be a dull boy.  Drink no tea.  Play NetHack 'till you have a "Hack } attack."  Even more "askmes."  Join in the "UNIX" vs. "NT" flamewars. } Join in the "Smalltalk" vs. "C++" flamewars.  Join in the "Big-endian" } vs. "Little-endian" flamewars.  Join in the "Usenet Oracle" } vs. "Internet Oracle" flamewars.  Get first aid.  Rollerblade.  Sex. } Drugs.  Rock-n-roll.  Listen to rock-and-roll while stoned on drugs as } you have sex on rollerblades.  E-mail.  IRC.  AOL (Just kidding). Swim } to Japan.  Did we suggest: Lambada!  Ice hockey.  Street hockey. } Cottage cheese hockey.  D&D.  R&R.  S&M.  P&Q.  Read a book.  Book a } trip. Trip a man.  Man a ship.  Ship a package.  Fed-Ex yourself to } Lithuania.  Find the "real" murderer.  Watch your TV.  Kill your TV. } Home Shopping Network!!!  Run down the street, naked except for a pair } of ruby slippers, yelling, "Toto! Toto!"  Let's all sing the Skittles } Song!  Monty Python.  Monty Hall.  Dress up as your favorite character } from "Friends."  Dress up as your favorite character from } "Superfriends" (Form of... an ice jet!).  Start an argument.  Change } sides.  Giggle uncontrollably.  Stretch.  Get a back massage.  Give a } back massage.  Give a *yick* foot massage.  Denny's run!  Drive your } car.  Drive your karma.  Call up Lamar! Alexander and ask if "Lou Zer" } is there.  Go see "Ice Capades."  Fire drill.  Earthquake drill. } Asteroid drill.  Ice-age drill.  Pat-Buchannon-becomes-President } drill.  Yet more "askmes!"  Run.  Skip.  Jump.  Hopscotch.  Drink } scotch.  Find a Scotch.  Find out what's under that kilt.  Find out if } a guy in a bear suit can get a hug from a New York cabdriver.  Scream } for ice cream.  Eat all thirty-one flavors.  Crank calls.  Disneyland! } Top Ten lists.  Top One-hundred-fifty lists.  Count the number of } times the word "Ice" has appeared in this list.  Make sure there are } actually one-hundred fifty items here.  Turn off the computer.  Enjoy } life.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O overrated Oracle, > > When the swallows return to San Capistrano, do they bring anything with > them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TOP 10 THINGS THE SWALLOWS OF SAN CAPISTRANO BRING WITH THEM: } 10: A PowerBook 5300c, equipped with a cellular modem for those urgent }    latnight Usenet Oracle queries. } 9: One word: (actually, two) Cheez Whiz. } 8: A radio, to listen to the rantings of their favorite AM radio }    personalities. } 7: _People_ magazine, to read on pit stops. } 6: Heavy artillery. Don't mess with *these* birdies... } 5: Anti-cat weaponry. } 4: _Garfield_ books (see #7). } 3: Boots with insulated soles (and you always wondered how they could }    safely sit on power lines). } 2: Sweaters. It can get *real* cold there in Capistrano. } AND THE #1 THING THE SWALLOWS BRING IS... } 1: Their teddy bears! } You owe the Oracle a true love.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Powerful Oracle, whose knowledge knows the limits of the known > Universe because you Know All, please explain a vexing problem to me; > > I keep an open soda on my desk, right next to my computer and is > sheilded from attack on two sides.  Why is it, then, whenever someone > uses my phone, which, by the way, I do not like them doing, my soda > gets spilled on top of useless documents? > > These documents are there just for the express purpose of catching > spilled sodas.  They look important in the hopes that people will > realize that maybe they should not get soiled and be a little bit more > careful around my desk. Obviously, this is not the case.  Please tell > me why this does insist upon occuring much more often than I deem > necessary, and what further steps must I take to prevent this from > occuring in the future?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant: } } You obviously fail to understand the quantum effects of all the } electrons racing around inside your computer. The movement of all these } particles warps space and also creates an inverse probability field } which allows certain improbable events to become not only likely, but } certain: } } 1) Sodas placed in the vicinity of the computer will undoubtedly spill } and the soda will be attracted to the most important documents, the } irreplaceable data disk, the keyboard, and even manage to enter your } disk drives. If it is hot coffee, it will undoubtedly fall into your } lap. } } 2) Call waiting will only activate in the middle of essential downloads } and will only disconnect you when a someone else calls in and hooks } directly into your account without a password. They will find and } download your love letters to your significant other, and will post } them to Usenet. } } 3. Cigarette ashes will always fall into your keyboard or on to } unprotected disks. } } 4. Power surges will always occur when your computer is writing to your } file allocation table. } } 5. If you drink flamable alcoholic beverages..stay away! They are } attacted to your power supply and will cause a nasty fire. } } This is why you are forbidden to eat, smoke, or drink in most } professional computer installations...now you know why.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                             Meaning of Life FAQ }                             ------------------- }                        Created by The Internet Oracle }                        Created: 4004 BC }                        Last updated: 25th March 1996 } } Q: How can I discover the meaning of life? } A; Search for it. } } Q: Is the answer 42? } A: No. } } Q: Does it have anything to do with Monty Python? } A: No. } } Q: Is there a Web site I can browse? } A: Yes, but it only contains pictures of nude women. } } Q: Is the answer within me? } A: No, grasshopper. If you look within you, you'll only find bones, }    blood and guts and stuff. Not very attractive and very messy. } } Q: Will it help if I read the Bible, Torah, Koran, Tripitaka, Ramayana, }    Bagavad-gita, Khorda Avesta, Necromnicon or other book? } A: Probably not, but it will keep you off my back for a while. } } Q: Has anyone ever discovered the meaning of life? } A: Yes, of course I have. } } Q: Please tell me. } A: No. } } Q; Awwwww.... go on, please? } A: Oh okay, ask away. } } Q: What is the meaning of life? } A: Read the FAQ. } } Q: While I'm here, is there life elsewhere in the Universe? } A; Yes. } } Q: Does this explain Illinois? } A: No. } } You owe the Oracle

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> so what do ya think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think I'm overworked.  I think that by and large, supplicants } are getting far too flippant these days.  I think it's a royal } shame that Pat Buchanan didn't win the Republican presidential } nomination - that election would have been SO entertaining!  I } think the cheese omelet I had for breakfast was a mistake.  I } also think the milk was sour.  I think I'll fire the cook if } this happens again.  I think it would be nice if people would } just shut up about my recent name change.  I think it's MY name, } and I'll do what I like with it.  I think "potted meat food } product" is scary.  I think it only gets worse if you actually } read the list of ingredients.  I think some people ask me } questions which are entirely too vague.  I think a nice, hot } bath would be nice, except I think that if I were to take such } a bath, it would be constantly interrupted by a stream of } overanxious supplicants.  I think the curtains are getting a } bit old.  I think I'll have the living room redecorated.  I } think it should be blue this time around.  I think I'll have to } get new furniture to make that work.  I think the old stuff } will be OK in the den.  I think the priests would appreciate } the things that are in the den now.  I think the cheese omelet } was a REALLY big mistake.  I think I've rambled on far too long. } I think I've got to go now. } } You owe the Oracle a penny for his thoughts.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whodunit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was forged through an illegal beta of Netscape and posted from a } two-bit ISP in Chicago, through an anonymous remailer, through the } cypher-punks list, to a nonexistent account in Connecticut.  The } message was bounced from there, with a fake header, to an FTP-Usenet } gateway in Norway, where it caused a short file, containing a WinWord } macro virus,  to be sent to root@whitehouse.gov. } } When the file was opened the virus forced MS Mail to send PGP-signed } messages to various directors of the CIA, who sent it down to several } operatives countrywide, and  the cat did it, I think. } } It tends to get edgy in the dark. } } You owe the Oracle a packet sniffer.