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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hello oracle. could you please tell me the meaning of life?  and i > would prefer if you did not tell me that the meaning of life is  asking > the oracle questions on the internet or something.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To ask intelligent, witty questions humbly of the Usenet Oracle is not } the meaning of life. It is the *purpose* of life. The meaning of life } can be found in any dictionary, somewhere between 'lienholder' and } 'lift.' } } You owe the Oracle a letter to your congressman asking him to close the } loophole in the definition of life which allows woodchucks to exist } tax-free.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Buddy, can you spare a dime?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, let's see .... } } <rattling of change in pocket> } } Well, no dimes, but I can give you these: } } - game token from Eddie's Arcade } - 1984 Canadian penny flattened by locomotive } - plastic disk marked "tuit" } - pewter slug with a hole drilled through center } - peppermint flavored condom wrapped in gold foil } - fake U.S. quarter with both sides "heads" } - Richard M. Nixon commemorative "wooden nickel" } - Chicago Transit Authority "el" token } - petrified coin-sized banana slice } - "HypnoWheel" colored spinning disk } } Good luck, buddy.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most funky! > > My question is about the band, They Might Be Giants. Where did they get > their name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was formed from an anagram of "Tiggy bit The Shamen". Tiggy, the } Giants' Yorkshire Terrier and a good Catholic, confessed to this } senseless act of violence by cutting out letters from the Portishead } Advertiser and sticking them together. Dogs, not having opposable } thumbs, find it difficult to use pens. Having never been taught } proper English they also find it difficult to spell and although, } against remarkable odds, Tiggy got all the right letters, he failed } to put them in the right order and it actually came out "They Might } Be Giants". Tiggy committed suicide later that evening, consumed by } angst, and unforgiven. } } You owe the Oracle four green holes from the middles of jazz 78's.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is it that a cat always has to be on the other side of any door? > When the cat is indoors, it's dying to go out.  When the cat is > outdoors, it has to come in.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Sigh*.  You wouldn't believe how many questions arise from } interspecies misunderstandings.  Let me quote you one... } } (translated from the original KittyUnicode character set...) } } >why is it that humans always screw up my experiments?  when I'm trying } >to meow a door into splinters, the human always moves it out of the } >way and won't replace it until I go to the other side...  then I have } >to start over. } } It's all a matter of perspective. } } You owe the Oracle a TrueType font that supports the whole KittyUnicode } character set.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I love him, yeah, yeah, yeah > I love him, yeah, yeah, yeah > I love him, yeah, yeah, yeah > But does he love me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} CAN'T ZOT YOU TWICE } (from the album "A Hard Night's Zot") } } I'd zot you in the dark of night } And in the light of day } I've never missed a supplicant } So you'd better start to pray. } I can only zot you one time } I can't zot you twice. } } Can't zot you twice } Can't zot you twice } Can't zot you twice } Can't zot you twice. } } If I zot you once, my dear } It'll give me such a thrill } But if I zot you twice, my dear } That's what I call overkill. } I can only zot you one time } I can't zot you twice. } } (Repeat chorus) } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } YOU'RE A CRISPY CRITTER } (single version) } } How does it feel to be } One of the supplicant } Whiners? } } Thinking your song's original } Blissful in what you thought } } And you've forgotten to grovel } Now I say taste my ZOT! } } You're a crispy critter } You're a crispy critter } You've been violently squashed flat, } At least you didn't ask about the woodchucks } Thank God for that } Thank God for that } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } A ZOT IN THE LIFE } (from the album "Sgt. Oracle's Lonely Band of Priests") } } I read a question on my screen } About a lonely girl who fell in love } And though the question was okay } I had to get my sta-aff } I couldn't help but la-augh } } She had forgotten to grovel } Perhaps she was just a clueless newbie } But she had taken out her sig } And so I realized } I was going to have to zot yet another supplicant } } I see the question in my mind } No grovel, does he love me, I love him } A mortal might let it go by } But I have zots to lob } And that is my job } I need to zot this one } } Hovered } Over land } Held the staff in my right hand } } Found the supplicant } And raised my arms } About to harm someone who didn't grovel } } Lightning flashed } And thunder roared } This never leaves me bored } } Swung my arms out wide and finished it } And somebody else can take care of the ash } } I heard a question yesterday } The lovely Lisa read it out to me } And though she begged me not to zot } My ears were burning hot } So I grabbed my staff and then I let loose with a deadly shot } } I need to zot...this...one... } } (Orchestra crescendo, piano chord that fades out for several minutes) } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } These songs and many more are on the new "Oracle Anthology 2," } available wherever fine Internet Oracle products are sold.  (And } remember, all Usenet Oracle merchandise is at least 40% off until we } empty the warehouse.)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Has anybody ever tried stuffing the ballot box when voting > on the Oracularities Digest?  What would happen if someone > did that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, yes, several people have tried that.  The most interesting case was } that of one Mr. Samuel Supplicant [1], back in late 1993.  Desperate in } his attempt to make the 4.0-point oracularity, Sam was engaging in all } sorts of methods to make sure his luck was up: } }   * He sent out $5 to Dave Rhodes and friends to MAKE MONEY FAST!!!11!! }   * He shipped off 10 copies of another chain letter to make sure he }     could have GREAT CDA. [2] }   * He went to Nieman Fields [3] to buy a cookie recipe for $250. }     (Hey, it's easy once you've MADE MONEY FAST!!!11!!) }   * He sent 230 get-well-soon cards to Craig Shergold. } } Unfortunately, he misaddressed the cards for Craig Shergold and left } them next to the scanner hooked up to a machine with OCR software } installed.  A freak power surge activated the scanner, reading the UPC } code of the card into the machine and transferring the information into } his account. } } The next day, Sam sent email to his girlfriend (who later dumped him, } apparently because he kept bragging about his GREAT CDA), but a short } in the keyboard caused him to include the scan of the UPC code in his } email message. } } However, he mistyped his girlfriend's address, and the mail bounced } back, with a copy to his postmaster.  The postmaster at his site, out } for a week at Waikiki, set up his .forward file to send things to me } (as if I didn't have enough to do already).  It seems, though, that } some hacker, making a practical joke, changed that .forward file to } send mail to oracle-votes rather than to me personally.  So, here } "oracle-votes" was, receiving the string '1131541523', when Sam's } oracularity happened to be the eighth one in the set being currently } voted on.  In fact, because of a glitch in the system, the votes email } address received the string sixty-seven times! } } Fortunately, that error, giving him a 4.3 rating, was discovered before } those votes were released.  In fact, I'd have forgiven him if he hadn't } also send 50 messages of his own ranking things '11111115111'.  I } zotted the little creep. } } You owe the Oracle your talents as a postmaster for the next three } months. } } [1] Name changed to protect the guilty scumbucket.  I'm feeling nice }     today. } [2] CDAm.  The gov't rewired my keyboard on me.  Where'd I leave that }     *ZOT*? } [3] Or was that Mrs. Marcus?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O unsurpassed Oracle, who can smite a device while intimidating your > cup, whose ear I am unworthy of kicking, whose tasty companion Lisa > has pretty elbows, and who loves randomly generated grovels, > why do foreign languages sound so funny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Umblehay upplicantsay, hetay Racleoay greesay atthay oreignfay } anguageslay oday oundsay rettypay unnyfay ncludingiay ourya } oreignfay ialectday. *OTZAY* oreignerfay.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [Priest's note: After the recent events in r.h.o.d, how could I resist > selecting this one? - ID] > > Oracle Most Wise, tell me: > How can I get in the Net a list of all Russian nouns (words)? > I need it as ASCII file in cyrilic letters. > Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course you do.  You're THAT sort of supplicant. } } Listen, do.  I'll tell you a little known secret, just because I'm in a } good mood and Prometheus is still chained to that rock down there. } } There are no nouns in Russian.  All Russian words end with the verb } "ski".  This is what makes the language so hard to learn--people are } always moving or screaming or doing or talking or swimming or jumping } or procreating or wobbling or chaffing or telling or quoting or } raffling or flying or spitting or chewing or painting or troubling or } jousting or stabbing or polluting or dribbling or chopping or foulling } or composing or decomposing or parenting or quivering or phoning or } destroying or lunching or swaggering or flouting or casting or cheating } or accepting or blocking or building or shooting or billowing or } baroquing or castaneting or pirrouting or repeating or repeating or } listing or lisping or computing or responding or verbing or overdoing } before you can finish one sentence in Russian since they think you are } telling them to do something. } } Hence the name of the language, which describes the perpetual motion of } its people.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fruit-flavored Oracle, what are people who wear black nail polish > *thinking*?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "I wish they put expiration dates on these bottles." } } You owe the Oracle a tube of 1954-vintage black lipstick.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> here > > Mighty, powerful Oracle.  Your widsom astounds thousands. > Please find it within your grasp to grant thee one humble > question. > > Why do Yoda (Star Wars) and Grover (Sesame Street) sound > identical?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There was a little flap when they were filming _The Empire } Strikes Back_.  The puppeteers who were moving Yoda's mouth } decided to have some fun, and made him say all kinds of rude } things (not suitable for children's ears), instead of what } was in the script.  Nobody else noticed until it came time } to add the soundtrack, which of course ended up being } completely out of sync with the puppet's mouth. } } Well, this left them in a bit of a pickle, but then one of } the film crew, who had small children at home, observed that } all the words used by Yoda were also spoken at one time or } another by Grover.  So the sound mixers negotiated a license } to use Grover's words, and obtained copies of the complete } Sesame Street tapes.  They then cut and pasted all the words } into the soundtrack.  In order to get the lip-sync right, } they had to switch words around in several places, which is } why Yoda in the wrong order with the words always talks. } } A few years later, when they started filming _Return of the } Jedi_, the decision was made to keep the voice of Grover, } and continue the word swaps, for the sake of continuity. } They kept an eagle eye on the puppeteers, though. } } A Degoban grammar book the Oracle you owe.