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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Would you like to buy an owl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. } } For answering your question, you owe the Oracle an owl.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We have a person here at work who greatly resembles a weasel. > Do weasels ever take human form and get PhD's in Computer Science?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A few do, yes.  More of them go into law school, though. } } You owe the Oracle an arrangement of "Pop Goes the Programmer"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You recently suggested to me that ... > } You owe the Oracle to translate digests 800 to 828 (obtainable > } via anonymous ftp from ftp.cs.indiana.edu/pub/oracle) into > } Welsh. > > I am please to offer you the Entire Set of Oracularity Digests, 1 to > 828, all in Compressed Welsh, with the usual security codes.  Here > they are: > >      1 > > Note the high compression factor.  I'm sure you will have no > trouble with it, being the omniscient being that you are. > > I've taken the liberty of translating into Pictish and Urdu.  Here is > each: > > Picthsh  0 > > Urdu     0  (This is a backwards 0.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant: } } You are very, very funny. In fact since you have been so good, I will } grant you three wishes if you complete the following tasks: } } 1) Pry that pen from Bob Dole's hand without the secret service beating } you to a pulp. } } 2) Provide a successful criminal defense for the Unabomber. } } 3) Throw a pie in Dennis Rodman's face while wearing a referee's } uniform. } } 4) Dance around in the Demilitarized Zone between North and South Korea } dressed like Ronald McDonald. } } 5) Get O.J. Simpson to confess by spraying him with a can of mace. } } If you do these things I will start by granting your first wish: } Paying your hospital bills.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>        Oh Great Oracle, Marvel among marvels and being above being, > > Why does the delete key work so fast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In one word:  downsizing. } } Time was when Delete, Inc. had the monopoly on text removal services. } Back then, the market was small, as were keyboards, and Delete was } pretty much the only game in town.  You wanted to correct your typing, } you used the Delete key.  Pretty comfortable arrangement, and Delete } kept picking up the royalties.  Just a tenth of a cent per use, but it } added up to fortunes. } } Unfortunately for the company, the arrangement was not destined to } last. The sudden explosion in computer use opened vast new markets for } Text Removal Service Providers (TRSPs), and expanded keyboards opened } new slots for competition.  Pretty soon, Backspace Corp. was in the } business, giving Delete a run for their money.  But Delete had a } massive base of installed users familiar with its services, and this } along with skilled marketing allowed them to maintain their vast lead } in market share. } } By the mid-80s, everything had changed.  The business was } unrecognizable. The advent of graphic interfaces, with mouse-driven } software, threatened to make Delete obsolete.  Cut & Paste } International provided a simple, intuitive and flexible editing } interface, while also serving as a TRSP. Undo Ltd. picked its own } market niche, allowing for fast error correction in many circumstances. } } Today, Delete is only one of many TSRPs, serving a highly competitive } market.  Profits are down, market share is plummeting and many } employees are, frankly, worried.  Delete, Inc. cut some 5,000 jobs in } 1995 and more layoffs are expected.  The new company president, Tex E. } Race, is looking to restructure and reorient the business for future } success, possibly looking into joint ventures with text production } companies. } } But for now, the remaining staff at Delete is working harder than ever, } nervously hoping to keep their jobs.  And that's why your delete key is } working so fast. } } You owe the Oracle a silicon eraser.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty One, in whose hands our lives are putty; Two days ago, in > biochemistry class, I had to kill and disect a rat, and do an insulin > experiment. Am I a murderer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble but violent supplicant: } } The Oracle thinks that you are asking the wrong question.  The issue is } not *whether* you are a murderer, but rather whether you can get away } with it.  Ask O.J. or the Menendez brothers about this.  In order to } assist you in getting away with it, the Oracle suggests the following: } } 1.    Pick your victim carefully.  For example, had the rat been } maliciously stealing your Pop-Tarts during the past few months?  If so, } what jury could convict you, especially if they were Chocalate } flavored? } } 2.    Pick your lawyer carefully.  It's much more important that you } have Alan Dershowitz pleding your case on Good Morning America on a } regular basis than it is to have someone who actually knows something } about what goes on in court. Can you see the Dersh waving around that } pop-tart at 7:30am on national TV? Think of the sympathy that will be } built up for you.  (Moreover, if this tip fails, and you are somehow } convicted, (a) there will at least be a riot of hungry folk on your } behalf, and (b) there's sure to be a made-for-TV movie, off of which, } if you play your cards right, you can at least earn some } residuals......) } } 3.    Pick the location of your killing carefully.  Who's going to care } if you kill a New York City rat?  Some people might even view that as a } public service, and declare you some sort of hero.  On the other hand, } if you kill the rat in some wide-open Rocky Mountain state, people are } sure to see you as some sort of fringe lunatic, undoubtedly connected } with the Freeman, and the rat as a an innocent victim. } } 4.    Most importantly, never, ever admit that you did it.  Compare } O.J. with the Menendez brothers.  Hence, sending this question to the } Oracle was something of a foolish act.  Especially if the Oracle } decides to testify.....  (The Oracle has already signed a contract for } a made-for-TV movie of these hideous, gruesome, unwarranted murders, } and has right of first refusal over the actor who will play the Oracle. }  The Oracle is currently having trouble deciding between Madonna and } Michael J. Fox.) } } The Oracle wishes you the best of luck in your future pursuits.  You } owe the Oracle a copy of your arrest record, fingerprints, and personal } diary.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh shrewd smart Oracle, Who knows what in the Hell actually is going > on, I've generally been courteous and deferential to babes I was > interested in, and they've generally responded by telling me I'm "a > nice person" but uninteresting.  Just the other day I insulted a woman, > and she has responded by getting flirty, and I think she might like me. >  So, please advise me, oh Capable-of-Landing-The-Babes Oracle, what in > the Hell *is* going on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're obviously running incompatible system software. I'd suggest } an immediate upgrade to Life96 to solve your problem. My guess is } that you're still running Life 3.1... and to quote the Appendix of } Error Messages which came with Life96: } }       "Error 1443: 'Nice Person - Incompatible }                     S)ever Contact, B)e Friends, F)ail Outright?' } }       This message means that Life96 has detected an error }         condition in the operation of SexLife (Life96's own }         input/output/input/output controller). Possible causes: } }         - Port is already in use (See Network Chastity, pg. 343) }         - Protected-mode is not engaged (See Viruses, pg. 436) }         - The request for port usage was made by a }              well-behaved, well-adjusted person running }              Life 3.1. Recommend user upgrade. (See Get A Life96, }              pg. xxii)" } } While you're at it, you might as well purchase and install } Plus Pack for Life96, which includes the newest release of } Atlas Muscles(tm), FastCar Expensive Model, and FaceLift } 3.1. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Life96 Exchange... on time.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I get a static IP address?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rub it against an Angora sweater. } } You owe the Oracle a Tesla coil.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it me or is it hot in here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, it really is quite hot in there, and it's only going to get worse. } And it's quite a shame too: I've never before encountered a lobster } intelligent enough to use E-mail.  I'd save you if I could, but the } guests are going to be here soon, and they're going to be very hungry. } } If it's any consolation to you, you're going to accumulate a lot of } good karma from your unpleasant demise, and are likely to be reborn } considerably higher on the food chain (pardon the expression), probably } as a lawyer.  True, you'll still just be an overgrown bug, but the } benefits are better and, since you'll be quite inedible (if not } poisonous), no one will be seriously tempted to boil you for dinner. } (For fun, yes, but not for dinner.) } } You owe the Oracle a pound of flesh.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There is an ancient Oracle, > Who stoppeth one of three. > His beard is white, his staff is hot, > Will he tell his tale to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you would have a tale of me } Consider this I pray: } Two others sought to question me. } I let *them* get away. } } My tale is long and tedious, } An infinite lament } Of foolish, perverse questioners } Too clueless to repent. } } My beard is white, 'tis as you say, } As is my cranial foliage. } I'm wearied, prematurely gray, } From imitation Coleridge } } And other such poetic crimes } Unfit for human scansion, } Sonnets, couplets, nursery rhymes } Too vile to even mention. } } As for my staff, why yes, 'tis hot } And look, forsooth, it's humming. } Your "poetry" deserves a *ZOT*! } (I'm sure you saw it coming.) } } And yet, methinks, you might survive. } (My staff is set on stun.) } I'd much prefer you stayed alive: } Your pain is lots more fun. } } And should you have more inquiries, } Remember, thus it goes } With literary wannabes: } You'd better stick to prose.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderous and patient oracle, whose knowledge could fill books > which would span the universe - > > Please explain to me why you shouldn't ZOT the people who wrote these > painful analogies?  I got this in a mail this morning.  Please do what > you wish to them. > > ------- Forwarded Message > Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" > contest. ============ > >  He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a >  guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of >  those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country >  speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar >  eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. >  (Joseph Romm, Washington) > >  She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to >  dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door >  open again. >  (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station) > >  The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a >  bowling ball wouldn't. >  (Russell Beland, Springfield) > >  McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled >  with vegetable soup. >  (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) > >  From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, >  surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and >  "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. >  (Roy Ashley, Washington) > >  Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. >  (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) > >  Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the >  center. (Russell Beland, Springfield) > >  Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access >  T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by >  mistake >  (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) > >  Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.  (Unknown) > >  He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy >  Chase) > >  The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you >  fry them in hot grease. >  (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) > >  Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a >  movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like >  "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield) > >  Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the >  grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having >  left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m.traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka >  at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. >  (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) > >  The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the >  Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) > >  They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that >  resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth >  (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) > >  John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had >  also never met. >  (Russell Beland, Springfield) > >  The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet >  of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. >  (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) > >  His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like >  underpants in a dryer without Cling Free >  (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) > >  The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The all-knowing all-seeing Oracle has personally thwapped each and } every person on your list, much like the sound a tennis ball makes when } you're playing a tennis match in the rain but you miss and the ball } hits the ground instead, and the sounds of both your raquet and the } ball combined create a thwapping sound.