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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 1099?  W-2?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Al Heiselmann here -- CPA for the Internet Oracle. } } Orrie and I, after reviewing your records, have decided } that you're going to need a few other forms than just } those two. After all, a man in your position owes a bit } more than usual. The forms you need are: } } W-8 Certificate of Foreign Status } W-8A Certificate of Receipt for Italian Porn Star } W-10 Dependent Care Provider's Identification } W-4 Employee's Withholding Allowance Certificate } W-93 Certificate That Means Nothing At All } W-2GU Island of Guam Wage and Tax Statement on Secret Evil Lair } W-3PR Informe de Comprobantes de Retencion Transmit } W-43PR El taxo de Los Cajones } 706CE Certification of Payment of Foreign Death Taxes } 706NA United States Football League Sucks } 1000 Caribou Ownership Certificate } 1040X Amended U.S. Individual Income tax Return for Imbeciles } 1040ES (Espanol) Contribucion Federal Estimada Del taxo } 1040A (Schedule 1) Interest and Dividend Income } 1040A (Schedule 2) Roommate Care Expenses } 1040 (Schedule D) Capital Gains and Losses } 1040 (Schedule E) Brain Loss Due to Electroshock } 2119 Sale of Your Home } 2119A Sale of Your Life } 2290 Heavy Vehicle Use Tax Return } 2291 Crappy Car Surcharge (Eyesore Tax) } } Be sure to fill out everything you can, even if the box given } doesn't seem to have the space for what you want to write; The } IRS can sort it out later. } } Oh, by the way, I just thought I'd remind you that your } taxes were due LAST week. } } You owe... } } Oh, let's be honest. You're screwed; I'm not gonna ask } anything in payment from _you_.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me ye funky oracle: > If your girlfriend won't cook and she doesn't put out, do you give her > bus money on the way out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think you might be a little confused, dear supplicant.  Your } girlfriend doesn't need to cook; that's what you have cookers for.  All } one of you needs to do is operate it. } } And you put out cats, not girlfriends.  Cats have more fur and hence } stay warm outside. } } But you could give her bus money.  Just be aware that it takes a lot of } money to buy a bus. } } You owe the Oracle a bus (preferably double-decker) in 64 bits.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, who is never late (no matter how much > the clowns in r.h.o.d gripe), please shed some light on a > mystery for this humble supplicant abasing himself at your feet. > > I'm supposed to get to work by 9:00 in the morning.  However, I > never manage to make it in until 9:30.  There's something about > the traffic that I just don't understand.  If I leave home at > 9:00, it takes me 30 minutes to get to work.  If I leave at > 8:50, it takes me 40 minutes.  If I leave at 8:30, it takes an > hour.  I haven't tried it, but I bet if I left yesterday, it > would take me the entire day to drive to work.  Please, oh > mighty Oracle, can you explain this ungodly phenomenon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are encountering Murphy's Law of Traffic Recursion: As departure } time approaches a fixed point, journey time decreases. However, you } have failed to spot the obvious solution; If you leave after 9:30, } you will actually arrive at work before you left home. } } Do not leave at exactly 9:30, as then you will become infinitely } heavy and find it difficult to get trousers that fit. } } You owe the Oracle a flashing blue light for the top of his car.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and omnipotent Oracle, one who has more knowledge of the > breeding habits of the peregrine falcon than the whole world combined, > could you answer me this simple question? No, not that one, this one: > > If you're so omnipotent, why don't you already know the questions > people are going to ask you and then correspondingly send them their > answers before they ask the questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Accounting, mostly. If I just send answers out, there's no paper trail. } It's a lot easier to send a collection agency after a supplicant when I } can prove that they actually asked the question that I'm charging them } for. } } Oh... you thought this was free, didn't you? } } You owe the Oracle some big guys named Vinnie.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, and so shining, though I guess, you are so bright, > thus can answer my question..... > > You see, I go to school, and in that shcool, we have different classes, > one of that is marketing, you see we have projects too, and one in > that class.  And we shall deliver the final paper next monday, and > you see this is the last day we can work on that, and I got the work > of writing a foreword.... > > It's about marketing relationship, could you please help me write > it......?????? > > I only got as far as "this procject is about......" please pretty, > with sugar on....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Damnedable procrastinator!  you think you can just slap on a few pretty } words, grovel, and I, the Great Oracle, would write your report for } you? HA! }         what...MY CONTRACT???!?!?....oh all right....I SAID ALL RIGHT!! }     some people think that I should do it for...other...reasons.  Here }     we go: }            Here are some famous first words.  maybe they can help: }                 In the begining...(maybe not) }                 Four score and...(too presidential) }                 Call me Ishmael...(copywrite infringement?) }                 This is the ORACLE speaking!....(YES!YES!YES!) }     Okay, now you have a start,  now the end: }                 THE END...(too final) }                 El Fin....(Too Foreign) }                 You owe the Oracle...(Hey, it works...) }     All you have to do is fill in the middle...not hard, right? }         okay boss, I gave the supplicant his STINKING answer.  can I go }         home? } } You owe the Oracle a new batch of ideas for papers.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can we do a broadcast message on my lost wedding ring?  It's oval > shaped diamonds on the side with a guard with round and marquis shaped > diamonds in it.  Any help would be deeply appreciated.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course you can. For this answer, you owe the Oracle one oval shaped } ring with diamonds on the side, and a guard with round and marquis } shaped diamonds in it. } } Hang on, scratch that ... I've just found one wedged in the } sole of my shoe.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O premium Oracle, not from concentrate: > > Why does Zima taste like flat Sprite? And why do they make that Gold > Zima when the selling point of Zima in the first place was that it was > clear? And what's the point of clear Pepsi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle wonders why a mortal such as yourself would } waste the few precious moments of your lifespan even } thinking about such travesties as Zima or Pepsi, however... } } Zima is the ultimate extension of the American beer } marketer - beer that doesn't taste like beer. This is } done in pursuit of the greatest good for the profit margin. } By removing excess product such as quality hops, barley, and } yeast, the corporation extracts the maximum amount of profit } per Zima unit.  I have it on the best authority that Zima } is nothing more than diluted generic brand carbonated lime } flavored water mixed with small quantities of Everclear. } } The Zima Gold is the same, but with a tiny bit more Everclear. } That came about when marketing studies showed that teenage boys } perceived Zima as "a girl's drink". Actually that is a misnomer } since Zima is "a person who doesn't know what good beer is like" } drink, however, the Marketing department responded by upping the } alcohol level in hopes of creating an image for Zima Gold } as "a person who wants to get really hammered" drink. } } Pepsi Clear is another matter altogether. For generations, } cola drinks have had a bad reputation of promoting acne } in teenagers on the evidence that: } } Major Premise: Teenagers drink a lot of cola drinks } Minor Premise: Teenages generally have acne } Conclusion: Drinking cola gives teenagers acne } } The astute observer will note that this is a variation of } the "sex is good for the skin" argument: } } Major Premise: Most teenage boys don't get laid } Minor Premise: Most teenage boys have acne } Conclusion: Teenage acne can be cured by getting laid } } But I digress... } } Common wisdom holds that the caramel and other artificial colorings } are responsible for teenage acne. So by removing these and } associating the word "Clear" with Pepsi, the Marketers hoped } to instill the idea that drinking the product would lead } to Clear-er skin. Note the similarity with Clearasil, zit cream } to generations of American teenagers. There were future plans } to market Pepsi Clear with Aloe, but that fell through when } no one bought Pepsi Clear. } } You owe the Oracle a case of Guiness

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *Supplicant drops a quarter in the machine and the red *grovel* sign > lights up.* > > "Super nifty, neato, really wondrously smart Oracle" > > * changes to green *ask question* sign* > > "Why is it that people never realize they've done something > irretrievably stupid until a split second after they do it?" > > *Blue *pondering* light goes on for a moment.  Then the Oracle drops a > card through the slot that says...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                        _______________________________ }                       |                               | }                       |                               | }                       |     YOUR WISH IS GRANTED      | }                       |                               | }                       |                               | }                       !_______________________________! } } The Almighty Oracle wonders whether thee be a true believer or just a } back row oraclist ? } } Firstly, you cannot find true enlightenment for the mere price of a } quarter.  Your immortal soul is required to know the deepest meanings } of life.  Oh well, here is a freebee: } }         Stupidity is a trait usually attributed to the young.  However, } as the Oracle, I have been witness to countless acts of stupidity from } all age ranges.  There is no avoiding it, there is only trying to make } up for it. The only sure fire way to avoid a stupid act is to avoid } acting altogether. The goal in this life is to find one who understands } and accepts that there will occasionally be acts of stupidity yet } chooses to remain by your side to the end.  Find that person. } } Oracle out.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [;rsdr yr;; mr" > > ejsy s, O fpomh wtpmh eoyj ,u lrunpstfz > > yjsmld om sfbsmvr gpt upit jr;[

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh encumbered supplicant, } } Your problem is twofold.  The immediate cause for } your difficulty is that you are holding down your } shift key all the time, presumably because you are } trying to "shout" electronically.  Please stop that. } I'm not deaf. } } "But why," you may ask, "doesn't that just turn all } my letters into capitals?"  That brings us to your } second problem.  Your keyboard is defective.  In } particular, the shift keycap has been installed } sideways, so that the little arrow is pointing off } to the left.  The result of this is that each letter } is shifted to one side, rather than being capitalized. } } You owe the Oracle a seakrit dekodur wring.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, tell me a story!  Please!  Please, please, please tell me a > story!  Tell me, tell me, tell me story!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What, again?  And you just had a glass of water?  Oh, all right. } } Once upon a time, oh best beloved, in the days when everybody took } rather than gave, there was a self-righteous TV preacher, some drugged } wine, a hot tub, and a secretary with more curves than brains.  (Do not } forget the curves, oh best beloved.  Ask your mother to tell you about } bimbos.) } } On this Saturday night, my child, the two had just reached a tentative } merger agreement.  What is a merger agreement, oh light of my eyes?  It } is a type of non-hostile takeover.  Ask your friend Sammy the Fish } about hostile takeovers, my child. } } However, as some things will happen (Do you remember the curves, my } child?) and just as they were about to get into the tub, the Oracle } came home, and there was a huge } } *ZOT* } } And that is the end of the story, oh best beloved, and that is why your } mother lives in the jar on the mantel.  Now go to sleep and dream of } mongooses. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "A Child's Garden of Awfully Nasty } Things."