} <deep breath in>
} Colonel Mustard. First degree murder. In the billiards room.
} Eight minutes to midnight. Greed. With the lead piping. 500 grand.
} 10 grand.
} Hardly worth it for less. Sergeant Pepper. So what price love,
} peace and flower power now, eh? The Samaritans. Because they're
} a bunch of bleeding-heart lefties. In your case, because they were
} overcome by revulsion. Subtract the universe and everything and
} you're left with six.
} Everything. Omniscient. I mean I'm bloody clever. Because it's
} true. Self-infatuation. Complete lack of originality. It's rather
} Physically impossible for humans. Yes. I've already said I wouldn't -
} are you deaf as well as stupid? Only if I wanted a dose of botulism.
} You're a born loser. They bought Windows95. "Why didn't we buy
} a Mac?" I knew I'd get away with it. Greed (see "Why?" above)
} or being born Bill Gates. Not with the lead piping anyway - far
} too messy. Only after the mating season is over. Nobody'd believe
} you. I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Butter. No, it was just
} a cheap joke. I was with Lisa all night - she'll testify to it.
} Zeus Ammon. Superhuman. Anytime I dam' well please. Yes, but you
} need to change at Poughkeepsie. I'll need to check with Lisa. Eight
} minutes to midnight. Preferably after you've left. A naughty frog.
} What's green sits in the corner? Thank you. A Mickey Mouse watch.
} $4.99 at K-Mart. Tell the time sporadically. You gave it to me.
} The little hand tells the hours and the big hand tells the minutes.
} Because you just gave it to me - are you paying attention or not?
} Because it sucks. I've changed my mind. It's too good for you.
} One of us does. Well done, you got it in one. No, you need several.
} Brain cells. A personality transplant. The Samaritans. A blow-up
} Gillian Anderson doll. Gillian Anderson. Nope. Mmmm... still nope.
} Now what would the Samaritans want with a blow-up Gillian Anderson
} doll? A Barbie doll. No - Barbie dolls aren't anatomically correct
} (I've tried). Ken and Barbie's snotty little sister Skipper. They'll
} do anything for a fiver, that pair. Actually, no - Barbie dolls aren't
} anatomically correct. Even those two draw the line somewhere. No -
} Barbie dolls aren't... ahh, forget it. An unfortunate conjunction
} of genes. Just dandy, thank you. Colonel Mustard. He bought his
} commission. Guilty as charged. In the bedroom. It's her time of
} the month. As often as possible. Carmelite nuns as a rule don't.
} With me they would. Because you're a very sad little man. With me
} they might. Perhaps if they'd been recently bobbited. Toad in
} the hole. Because you didn't finish it last time. How else are
} we going to get rid of all these dam' toads? Because I didn't make
} you any. Oh, alright then. You can have it well BSE'd for all I care.
} The sooner the better. I can go anywhere I dam' well please. If you
} drug and bind me first. If *I* drugged and bound me first. No.
} You don't have a car. I don't have a car either. This carpooling
} business is becoming something of an obsession with you, isn't it?
} I often ask myself that question. The Pythia, the Vestal Virgins,
} John the Baptist, the Dalai Lama... you know, the usual crowd.
} You haven't asked me the woodchuck question yet. It's a matter
} of principle. Oh, alright then - it's really a matter of small,
} irritating furry animals that really ask for it.
} <GASP! pant, pant, pant - another deep breath in>
} Never felt better. Decidedly. No, it's inherited. Deadly. Deadly.
} Look, if you're going to start asking for second opinions then I'm
} not talking to you anymore. I think you think you're joking, but I
} know better. No. You're developing a stammer. Believe me, it can
} be worse. Evidently, you're one of the few people on the planet not
} to have dated Lisa, if you have to ask. No, actually that makes *me*
} feel really good.
} I see you've returned to the subject of Gillian Anderson dolls.
} Lisa's time of the month. Lisa would kill me. Put like that, I
} don't like the odds. Mail order catalog. Aha, so this is what you've
} been leading up to all along, is it? One's not enough now, eh? No,
} I told you, you're a born loser. Read - my - lips! Be reincarnated
} as Andre Agassi. Because you haven't even died yet. My god - you
} really are Andre Agassi!
} It's that hamstring injury playing up again. No, I was just kidding
} - you're not really Andre Agassi. Every time. Easy as falling off
} a log. Remember all those Gillian Anderson dolls I just bought you?
} Six-love, six-love, six-love. Not in the general scheme of things.
} Not to me it doesn't. Yes, if you had been Andre Agassi, or even Pete
} Sampras. Aha, I see you've finally got to the root of the problem.
} Can you really picture five years of Bob Dole as president? Can you
} really picture another five years of Bill Clinton as president?
} Primeval sludge. You parent omitted to tell you about the birds and
} the bees then? Nowhere fast. Hell in a handbasket. Sure as god made
} little green apples. Any minute now. No, I was kidding - sometime in
} the next three millenia. Because of the fall of Communism. I keep
} wondering that. Because I haven't ZOTted you yet. Probably not.
} Watch me. I wouldn't advise you to try. About as effectively as a
} hedgehog could stop a juggernaut. Come to think of it, please try.
} Probably. Only if they can get the gloves to fit. He's hoping
} that if he stays in the public eye long enough he'll get a date with
} Princess Di. The mating season isn't over yet. Lack of judgement.
} Lack of ability. Clumsily. Utter and complete lack of judgement.
} Follow the instructions in my step-by-step guide, which can be
} purchased at any good bookstore for a mere $34.99. You're gullible
} enough. The instructions are designed to be comprehensible to a
} mildly retarded Neanderthal. Because I told you to. Because the
} last thing you want to do is get on my wrong side. Pay you???
} You blackmailer - just because I haven't managed to sell one yet!
} Alright - $34.99. I can't find my wallet. Drat, I remember now - I
} gave it to Lisa. Your life's savings. $34.99. Yes. Past experience
} suggests not. "It's highway robbery." Not if I was within earshot.
} Not if I was within earshot. Not if I... are you going deaf again?
} No - what you do with your Gillian Anderson dolls is strictly your own
} business. You don't have to - I already know, you dirty little beggar.
} Definitely not a Gillian Anderson doll - try a selection of midwestern
} roadkill instead. Looks like your roadkill was a bit too fresh.
} <WHEW! pant, pant, pant>
} Hah! Didn't think I had it in me, eh? Never doubt a deity, supplicant!
} Hang on a minute. One, two, three... I missed one! Oh yes, here it is.
} I didn't answer the "What the hell?" at the end. Ah well, you were
} anticipating the answer to that one all along anyway, weren't you?
} >> ZOT <<
} So now you also know how spam's made.