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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I find a bank that will accept a spell check?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Any of the following banks would appear to be prime candidates: } }  Banque de Qeubec }  US Truss }  Bank of Amerika }  Credit Susse }  Bacno Itailano }  Deutscche Kommerzzbank }  Bank of Englan }  Chemical New ork }  your own pigy bank } } You owe the Oracle a money check.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh very powerful and slightly weird Oracle, something strange happened > to me recently. > > I apparently annoyed one of your Incarnations, and she sent me the > following impressive display of pyrotechnics: > > } > }     ZZZZZZZZZZ              OOOO           TTTTTTTTTT > }                   Z                O          O                   T > }               Z                   O            O                  T > }           Z                       O            O                  T > }       Z                             O         O                   T > }     ZZZZZZZZZZ              OOOO                     T > } > > Although there are some superficial structural similarities, this > does not actually appear to be an authentic ZOT.  What manner of > special effect does it designate?  How does it compare with a ZOT > in potency?  And how would you pronounce it? > > Please do not send me an authentic ZOT for comparison.  I've > received several already, and have no wish to repeat the experience.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is a Microsoft ZOF(tm).  As you noticed, it has remarkable } similarity to an Oracular <ZOT!>(tm), but when you get right down to } it, it's nothing but a cheap, ineffective copy. } } You owe the Oracle a successful lawsuit against Microsoft.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whatever became of the infamous New Zealand brothers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To make this easier, I'll just break it up brother by brother: } } John - the first to leave, due to the pressures of touring. Became a } monk. Died while meditating; this was believed to have happened } sometime in March of 1992, but nobody's really sure, since all those } who saw him just thought he was still meditating. } } Michael - now lives with wife in Springfield with two daughters, a son, } a cat and a dog. Works at local nuclear power plant. } } Aaron - died of drug overdose in his bathroom at home in Nashville; } fans all over North America claim he is not really dead, and have } reported sightings of him at ice cream parlors and convienience stores; } religion has formed around these sightings. } } Bob - assassinated by mentally disturbed fan while coming out of a } hotel with his wife. } } John (the other one) - disappeared on drinking binge with friends; } claim he was abducted by a UFO. } } Gary - shortly after the breakup, he sailed out to prove that the world } is really flat and was never heard from again. The Flat Earth Society } has erected a monument to him in Davis, California. } } Rex - became international drug lord. Whereabouts are unknown. } } Darol - worked as an engineer with Pacific Bell; quit a few years ago } to draw a cartoon based on his experience with corporate America as a } lowly cubicle worker. } } Zachary - supposedly commited suicide recently. However, "suicide note" } only mentioned suicide in a different pen color then the rest of the } note; extremely eccentric wife suspected. } } Bobby - became Internet phreak. Repeatedly sent woodchuck questions to } Internet Oracle; was **ZOT**ted out of existence. } } There you have it. There is rumor of a reunion, but hopes are not } exceptionally high.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ok, you said if I resigned from the Senate, you would tell > me who to choose for Vice-President. So who is it? > >                                       -Bob

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dennis Rodman. } } Best to take him now while he's still undecided about his own future in } basketball. } } Trust me.  Perfect combo.  And you get a popular African American to } show just how racially tolerant you are. } } You owe me nothing... this one's on me, Bob.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most myserious and higly addictive Oracle > who knows 'bout prime time too... > > Will agent Mulder ever get in Dana Sully's bed in X-files > or would that be paranormal activity for FBI?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't hold your breath. It's X-Files, not XXX-Files.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No message body; hope that's ok.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle replies: } }       "             !              ,              ,         and }          . "

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Tell me !!  Almighty Oracle !! > >      What is the meaning of life ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Welcome to Life V7.0 product support. Please hold. } } (Elevator music version of "Inna-gadda-da-vida" plays for several } minutes.) } } Press 1 for a bug report on version 7.0 of Life. Please listen }         to this if you have not previously done so. } Press 2 for information on Life 8.0 beta. } Press 3 for frequently asked questions about Life. } Press 4 for information about the availability of Life on }         other planets. } } (Supplicant presses 1 for a bug report, since it sounds } important.) } } The following bugs have been reported in version 7.0 of Life: } } -Puberty (This includes acne, awkwardness, voice changes, etc.) } -Various incompatibilities between sexes } -Man's inhumanity to man } -Gall bladders } -Death } } (Supplicant gets bored and presses 3 for the frequently } asked questions, in an attempt to find the meaning of life.) } } Please enter your product registration number. } } (Supplicant realizes he does not have one and instead } enters random digits.) } } You did not enter a valid registration number. This number } is obtained by all people who own Life 7.0. } I'm sorry, but only people who have a life may ask questions. } } (Dial tone.)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most fantastic, >  Can you recite for me the verse entitled "The Supplicant and the >  Incarnation"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, of course I know the entirety of that great verse "The } Supplicant and the Incarnation" being omniscient and all, however, if I } may say so it is a rather boring piece, consisting rather heavily of } insistent groveling on one side and numerous zots on the other. So! } What I am going to do for you today is demonstrate my new wonderful } Versification Machine (tm) which merely requests that you input the } various subjects and verse form and shall return in moments a wonderful } work of art heavy in symbolism and all other good things like that. } Without further ado...the Machine!!! } } Editor's Note: It should be noted at this point that a large machine } has been rolled in by numerous small greasy white things, presumably } supplicants that have asked the woodchuck question. Occasionally one of } them is caught going too slow and is crushed beneath the machine's } great wheels..no great loss. The machine itself is covered with many } blinking lights and a small slot at the very bottom. The crew of the } old Star Trek would feel right at home with this machine. } }       Ok Machine, let's get to work. I'm feeling saucy today, so I } would like a verse with both a Supplicant and an Incarnation, done } in..hmm..limerick form please. } }       (The machine groans and growls, shudders, and the lights blink at } an insane rate, finally a small piece of white paper springs out of the } slot at the bottom.) } }       Ok, let's see what we have here.. } }       There once was a lady from Tunsch }       Who had her family for lunch }       She munched Dad's ribs }       BBQ sauce for the kids }       and washed it all down with Mom Punch } }       What?!? No! No! No! Not "Sustenance and the Relations"! Perhaps } the limerick form is too difficult. Let's try this again, eh? Machine!! } I would like a verse with both a Supplicant and an Incarnation done in } a wonderful song form. Now! } }       (Once again the machine shakes and shudders, lights blinking in a } fair imitation of any techno club. If you look closely you can almost } see oil running down its brow. Finally a small piece of white paper } springs out from the bottom. The Almighty Oracle grabs the piece of } paper, looks over it, falls apart in a fit of red-faced rage.) } }        In A White Supplicant (And a Pink Incarnation)?!?!?! That's it. } Worm #2, go get the copy of..(dramatic pause)..Windows 95. We'll show } this machine the meaning of pathos the hard way. } }       (The machine falls apart in a fit of depression, crushing many } small white things.) } }       You owe the Oracle a book of poetry and an apology to Stanislaw } Lem

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There's always a question for a theoretical Oracle, at least in theory. > Possibilities are many. > > How can I explain my dog the quantum theory of *takyons* ?  Neutrinos > it fairly understands, the little particles with no mass nor electrical > chaege. But takyons, how can anything have imaginary mass and speed > always greater than light speed?  It's said that light speed is the > top speed only in our short distances and gravitation-curved universe. > What are you, takyon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All subatomic particles were originally created for Star Trek. } Let me explain. } } Photon torpedoes are a completely false creation. } Positronic networks are only of the imagination. } } Antimatter containment fields will never really exist. } Believing in subspace is something one must resist. } } Takyon pulses are one hundred per cent faked. } Distortions in the space-time continuum are half-baked. } } And please have no faith in the ship's warp core. } Star Trek is what these were all created for. } } The speed of light stretches above like a tower. } I'm afraid we will always be stuck with impulse power.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We find our hero, The Internet Oracle, in the bedroom with a beautiful > young blonde.  They both have very large smiles. > > "Orrie darling, this has been the best time I've had in my life, > and well, I'd just like to say that I'm sorry." > > "Sorry for what?" > > "This!"  Faster than it takes to blink, she grabs the Oracle's Staff > Of Zot and moves out of reach.  The door bursts open and three large > thugs seize the Oracle.  The Oracle, without his Staff Of Zot, is > quickly overpowered. > > "Well, Mr. Oracle, I have you at last."  Now standing in the doorway > is an elderly gentleman with an eye patch over his left eye. > He carries with him a woodchuck, which he strokes constantly as > he talks.  He grins evilly and continues, "Since you are immortal, > I know I cannot kill you, but I think that encasing you in concrete > and throwing you into the ocean for the rest of time will give you > something interesting to think about."  He motions to the thugs, > "Take him away!" > > The thugs drag the Oracle out the door. > > [Is this the end of our heroic Oracle?  Will he be able to escape > from this watery fate? Stay tuned for the answers to these questions > after this quick break.]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Burton Laxitives -- for a revitalizing empty feel , Brought to you } by the people who gave you Draino } } Now back to our normal programing......... } } The Oracle standing there asseses the situation and is quick to } realise that he controls all of time.  He therefore manipulates time } to 5 minutes before the event. } }  We find our hero, The Internet Oracle, in the bedroom with a beautiful }  young blonde.  They both have very large smiles. } } "Orrie darling, this has been the best time I've had in }  my life, and well, I'd just like to say that I'm sorry." } } "Thats ok " } }  Faster than it takes to blink, she grabs the Oracle's Staff Of Zot }  and moves out of reach.  The door bursts open and three large thugs }  seize the Oracle.  The Oracle, without his Staff Of Zot, is quickly }  overpowered. } } "Please dont hurt me , please, please, please, please" } } "You deserve to die, Orrie." } }  An elderly gentleman with an eye patch over his left eye.  He carries }  with him a woodchuck, which he strokes constantly as he talks. }  He grins evilly and continues, "Since you are immortal, I know I }  cannot kill you, but I think that encasing you in concrete and }  throwing you into the ocean for the rest of time will give you }  something interesting to think about."  He motions to the thugs, }  "Take him away!" } } "Wait, I think you underestimate my situation" } } "No I think you overestimate yours,  I have the staff that means }  no *ZOT*" } } "Well, you see I sort of had a feeling this was going to happen and }  took the necessary precuations and replaced the staf with a fake one" } }  Then in a blast of light there is a big.... } } ####   ####  ##### }   #   #    #   # }  #    #    #   # } ####   ####    # } } And all of the Woodchuck followers where gone, The Woodchuck scampers } off into the distance. } } You owe the oracle a rock and a hard place!!!!!!