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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> -- [ From: New User * EMC.Ver #2.3 ] -- > > How can I become more popular?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ways to Become more POPULAR } } 1. Internet "Put witty sayings between your first and last names so you } can be popular just like Dave DeLaney" Oracle. } } 2. Moderate rec.arts.erotica so you can be like popular Tim Pierce. } } 3. Visit http://www.nsa.org and ask them to make a link to your page. } } 4. Arrange to have a wealthy relative die and leave you with lots of } money and/or possessions. } } 5. Have intimate encounters with women named after flora. } } 6. Have your wife have intimate encounters with women named after } flora. } } 7. Arrange to be acquitted of the mysterious murder of your wife. } } 8. Write a crappy operating system and sell it to the massess for } millions. } } 9. Be seven feet tall and really good at basketball. (Note: it helps } if you can arrange to have a tennis shoe named after you) } } 10. Develop a fondness for lemurs. } } 11. Write a story where major heads of state develop mysterious } rashes and die horribly painful deaths. Dedicate and send a copy to } the president. } } 12. Have the same first name as a Peanuts character. Write an } operating system. } } 13. Raise your hand and remind the teacher that they forgot to assign } homework. } } 14. Be omniscient. } } 15. Obey the law. Do the speed limit in the fast lane. } } 16. Name your cold sores after ex-girlfriends. } } 17. Be able to do cool tricks with your tongue. } } 18. Let everyone on Usenet know how they can make money fast. } } 19. for ($x=0; $x<30000; $x++){ }       open (INODE_EATER, ">$x"); }       close INODE_EATER; }       } } } 20. "Thanks for showing my class how to use the UNIX machines. We } cleaned up the lab when we were done. We even turned off all of the } machines for you!" } } Blargh. You owe the Oracle a set of users that don't suck and tomato } juice that doesn't contain methanol.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most awesome and pretty darn terrific Oracle, and then some, why > aren't cousins allowed to marry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the offspring are invariably AOL users.... } } You owe the Oracle a 'Happy Birthday Uncle Dad!' card.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What web page gets visited the least?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.. a difficult question.. The answer is, of course, a tie between } several contenders: } } Shroedinger Fan Club: Maybe it exists, maybe it doesn't. } } Cthulhu's Personal Web Page: Rumors of people being devoured alive by }       green tentacles when they try to view the images. } } Larry S. Dimchuck's Personal Web Page: Sorry Larry, everyone _does_ }       hate you. } } Alaskan Cheese Board Web Page: Seal cheese is a definate experience. } } Microsoft Super-Secret Page: Contains a PD copy of Win95 for free }       download. It actually works, and fits on one disk. } } Archives for Alt.Sex.Fetish.Turtle: Terrapins need love too, y'know... } } Taken together, these pages have an average of negative two users per } day. } } There is also the one instance whereby two files were accidentally } switched, so that the content of the page is a short web address, while } the address itself is a rather naughty tale involving three nuns, a } farming family, and a sheep with three legs. } } 'Nuff said.. } } You owe the Oracle twenty pushups. Just because.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ormmphi, hmh dho ai gmht pinemht bmmtpher oumfpht oph > mhphy mphmhfoumf?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, if you're investing so much money in a Universal Translator, you } might as wgll take the trnksfdvle to read the instructagators and } instbrph it properly! Turn tsadf page 42 in the boochlet aghnd read } the scrgshn "WARFNG": `Be short at altimes to have languatalkscrbage } wrenvier gaurdge pnoint ta triget languatalkscrbage exprecisctly. Thit } appluginance must brie Marsed.' } } You wow Ormmphi frnwsh brttrcellies fofr Is translanguificsantor.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, > > What happens if I put something nonrecyclable in the blue recycling > trash can at my desk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The world would end, since Anti-recyclibles dont's react well with } Recyclibles. It's kinda like th Anti-matter-Matter reaction.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I improve my chances of winning at "one potato, two potato"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whilst keeping the forth and fifth digits held close to the palm, } extend the thumb, and the second and third digits.  Bring the tips of } aforemention fingers together. } } Shout "The Flamethrower!" and you will surely win. } } (But really Mr Clinton there must be a better way to make policy } decisions?)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What doe sit mean when a lovely girl invites you for a walk in the > woods?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She probably doesn't want any witnesses. } } You owe the Oracle a portion of your estate..

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who is a real know-it-all, > what is John Wayne Bobbitt up to these days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm..."know-it-all" is a rather unique grovel...uhm, thanks! } } Our beloved Mr. Bobbitt has been quite the mover and shaker since his } last brush with celebrityhood.  He quickly parleyed his overnight } sucess into a string of Grill Your Own hot dog stands in the northeast, } which he recently had to cut loose to pay off attorney's fees.  He's } now working on an autobiography, aptly titled "A Parting of the Ways" - } really good stuff on existentialism, finding ones' Place of Power } within yourself, etc. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of A Parting of the Ways, with } the good parts cut out.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the secret of successful weight loss?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Major surgery.  In times past, this was accomplished by several } very effective means, including the sword and the headsman's axe. } The weight lost by these means was gone in a very short time, and } very rarely came back, which is more than you can say for the current } fad diets.  There were certain undesirable side effects, however, } and these methods have lost favor in most parts of the world today. } } Modern surgeons prefer to use a scalpel, and work with the patient } under general anesthesia.  Of course, there's a trade off with } everything; they charge much higher fees than the typical headsman. } } You owe the Oracle a textbook on do-it-yourself liposuction.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, who knows all the secrets of the great > French chefs, what is the difference between bearnaise, hollandaise, > and mayonnaise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are all basically the same sauce, but are named for the local } regions in which they were popularized; Bern, Holland, and the Mayo } Clinic. } } You owe the Oracle a Ham and cheese sandwich with mustard.