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} I'm Oracle. That's Oracle, P.I. I have a short temper and a long Zot
} Gun. I take the cases the other guys won't touch. It's easy. I'm
} omniscient. Word has gotten around that my prices are steep, so
} business has been bad lately. All I've had are testosterone-high
} teenagers yelling null questions at me from across the street. Lucky
} for them that my short temper hasn't given way. Yet.
}
} Today, I was cleaning my Zot Gun when a guy walked through the door.
} The second I laid eyes on him, I knew he was going to be trouble. Guys
} wearing caps with dangling bells always are. I asked him what I could
} do for him. He spouted a little jingle.
}
} "Honororable?" I said. "That's a mouthful. I never have been able to
} understand how you Indian guys can pronounce all those 17-syllable
} words."
}
} "Indian?" he queried. "What makes you think I am Indian?"
}
} "You forgot to remove your name tag," I pointed out. "Welcome,
} Ananada, I mean Panda, I mean ... dang! How do you pronounce that,
} anyway?"
}
} "Never mind that," he said impatiently. "What are you going to do
} about the dates?"
}
} "What dates?" I asked. "You mean the fruit? The things on the
} calendar?"
}
} "No, no, no!" he shouted. "I thought you were omniscient!" I was
} beginning to dislike this guy. "I mean social rendevouzezezes. I mean
} where a couple go out and have fun together. You know!"
}
} Indeed. "What makes you think there's a shortage?" I asked.
}
} "Well, *I* don't have any!" he exclaimed. "And neither do any of the
} guys I hang out with. Shouldn't that tell you something?"
}
} I thought for a moment. He might have something there. Could the
} women of the world have something against guys who wear belled hats and
} name tags? This could bear investigating. Especially if I could get
} the guy to put me on an expense account.
}
} "Look," I said, "I'll get right on it, but I'll need a retainer.
} Otherwise my teeth might shift, and I'll have to do those braces all
} over again. And I want 2 grand, right up front. You can put them next
} to the other pianos. Deal?"
}
} He refused to take the deck of cards, and said, "You drive a hard
} bargain, Oracle, but I'm a desperate man. When can you start?"
}
} I looked at my calendar. I had to meet Mary in half an hour, followed
} by Susan, Marge, Jennifer, Barb, Karen, the other Marge, Lily, and
} Alice. "I'm pretty busy today," I said. I turned to the next day. I
} had to meet the sorority girls in the morning, followed by lunch at the
} nunnery, and then I'd promised to teach Samantha how to park. I mean
} drive. "Tomorrow looks kind of busy, too," I said. "How about if I
} start next week?"
}
} I looked up. He had been stooping over, looking at my calendar too.
} There was a fire in his eyes. "It's ... it's ... it's YOUR fault!" he
} roared. Quick as a flash, he reached into his breast pocket and pulled
} out a Woodchuck Repeater. He fired twice in rapid succession.
}
} "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
} wood?" "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
} chuck wood?"
}
} I reeled, but managed to snatch up my Zot Gun. Then I remembered: I'd
} been cleaning it! I frantically tried to put it back together, but he
} fired again.
}
} "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
} wood?"
}
} The situation looked grim, and so did I. I quickly lashed out with a
} null reply, and another, and another!
} ""
}
} He staggered back towards the door, and then suddenly collapsed in a
} sobbing heap. "I just want a date. That's all I ever wanted, was just
} one lousy date. Why are you putting me through all this, WHY?!??" I
} put my arm around his shoulders and tried to console him. "Look," I
} said. "If that's all you want, why don't you come back on Monday, and
} I'll introduce you to Betsy."
}
} "Really?" he said, with hope showing in his eyes. "Well, all right
} then ..." and he drifted miserably through the door.
}
} He'll like Betsy. She's my bottle. I haven't used her since I was
} ... oh ... about 12 months old, I believe. I hope he doesn't forget
} the 2 grand.
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