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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, who riseth above us all like a great big pretty > thing admiring the sunset: > > How many ways _are_ there to skin a cat? > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > Benji

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How do I skin thee? Let me count the ways. } I skin thee to the depth and breadth and height } My tool can reach, when feeling out of sight } For the ends of bone and feline veins. } I skin thee to the level of every day's } Most quiet need, by sand and litter-bin. } I skin thee freely, as cats strive for yarn; } I skin thee purely, as they turn from praise. } I skin thee with the catnip put to use } In toy mice, and with my cat's food dish. } I skin thee with a love I seemed to lose } With my lost pets,--I skin thee with the } Bites, scratches, tears, of all my life! } And, if thou choose, I shall but skin thee }    better after death. } } You owe the Oracle a saucer of milk.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > do questions submitted from the World Wide Web have priority > over e-mailed questions, or vice-versa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant, } Your questions seems so simple, but, in fact, is most complex. } } Lets break it down into it's component parts: } }         World Wide Web                         Electronic Mail }         **************                         =============== } }     All point and click                    User needs to have at least }                                                 half a clue } }     Can get to "Cool" places               Usually doesn't type random }         without actually knowing                to see if someone gets }         where "here" is.                        their mail. } }     Doesn't need to Understand             Usually knows all too well }         what is going on.                       what is going on. } }     Usually uses one of the                Usually makes their own }         "name brand" internet                   connection. }         providers. } }     Believes everything has it's Icon      Makes money from and laughs }                                                 at those people who }                                                 think everything should }                                                 have it's own icon. } }     Thinks the Internet Oracle             Still worships the Usenet }         Oracle is a "neat, new idea" } } Well, Supplicant, if that doesn't answer your question, then you didn't } know the correct question. } } You owe the oracle that first guy who said, } "I wish we at Duke could contact those folks at UNC. Kinda like some } group thing where we could all USE the NETwork to send NEWS to GROUPS } of folks"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where and how can I get some files which descibe the economists > resources in Internet or finance or banking resources in Internet. > Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for your question, please sit down and make yourself } uncomfortable. I am only here to help you, please remember that. Now, } before I answer your question, perhaps you could clear up a few points } that have arisen. } } What information are you willing to give to me in order for me to have } confidence in your ability to handle this large amount of data? It is } our policy for potential customers of CitiOracle to deposit at least as } much information as you are requesting from us. Deposited information } must be new and original, no copies or rehashes are allowed, that would } be boring and, let's face it, what we're after has to contain a lot of } interest. } } To cover ourselves we must be sure that you are able to meet our need } for information. It may seem to you that you can manage the regular } questions, but what if you start to fall behind in your answers? } Without careful planning you end up deeply in confusion and this may } even lead you to filing for perplexity to protect yourself from your } interrogators. } } Please answer the following and supply the names and addresses of three } librarians as references: } } 1) How much information do you require? } 2) How long do you want it for? } 3) What will it be used for? } 4) Over what period will you supply us with information in return? } 5) Are you married? if no, go to question 6. } 6) Why not? } 7) Will you die during the length of this agreement? } 8) Is your soul currently assigned to any supernatural beings? If yes, }    goto question 11. } 9) Have you been assigned to eternal damnation by any deities that you }    consider to have dominion over you? } 10) Do you think Barney the dinosaur is cool, or have any other mental }     instabilities? } 11) What is the gross asset value of your internal organs if sold as }     seperate parts? (Remember to apply depreciation costs due to }     substance abuse. Use the enclosed ReDiOrganiser(tm) tables if }     stupid). } 12) Are you frightened yet? If no, congratulations, we look forward to }     dealing with you on a regular basis! } } You owe CitiOracle EVERYTHING, and it was due YESTERDAY!!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Master of puppets and all things great!!!! > > What is a Woodchuck?? > > References thus far found for me are :- > > Walt Disneys Ducktales - it was a camping group.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, a woodchuck is an obscure drill bit that is geometrically } shaped (i.e. either a star, a pentagon, a square, or a dodecagon) to } cut beautiful shapes and patterns in wood. } } Unfortunately, the inventor of the "woodchuck", a certain Mr. Chuck } DuBois, didn't realize that a drill bit spins when it's used.  He owned } a power drill, but his home in the woods didn't have an electrical } outlet. As a result, the brilliant inventor would put the woodchuck on } the drill and pound it into the wood with a big rock. } } As a result, the woodchuck fell into obscurity, and some biologist } (maybe Darwin) thought it would make a cool name for a furry woodland } animal. Actually, it isn't a cool name, but what do I know--I'm just } the Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle a brand-new Black and Decker cordless drill with the } woodchuck attachment.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > sorry, but I have groveled so much, my walkways are empty > now (or was that gr..?). > > The MicroSoftSerfs, in their infinite wisdom, are considering > "Explorer" (of "let's scramble Netscape" fame) as a front > end to Win95. > > Since BOB was their last greaaaaaat attempt, I'm really > concerned that they're missing good opportunities to puree > user brains with gooey GUIs. > > I thought good alternatives would be the Magic Eye concept > (3D visualizations), or XXX slideshows (soooo popular on > the net), a Mandala generator, or a personalized paradigm > generator (based on a Rorschach analysis of the user's > system). For football fans, a football field with lines > representing programs, for auto mechanics, a (virtual?) > car where the pedals give input possibilities, would be > think-able. > > Before I submit these demonic dementicisms to the richest > man on (and under the) earth, I thought I better check with > you, Oracle, specialist in input-output-putup things. > Any applicable alternatives articulatable?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, Microsoft's continued development of alternative } GUIs for Windows 95 has been stalled until the Windows 95 } development team can figure out how to fix the bug that prevents } the user from being able to drag My Computer icon into the } Recycle Bin. } } As for Microsoft Bob, his seeming beneficence belies his true } nature.  Once the unsuspecting user is lured into this trap, } the Windows 95 thunk layer begins snapping mercilessly at the } user's heels until the system GPFs all over the place.  Not a } pretty sight at all, if you ask me. } } However, a few ideas have been hashed around and hopefully will } be out soon: } }      THE AUTO SHOP:  Similar to the idea you suggested, }      this fanciful interface resembles an auto shop, }      complete with shop tools, automobiles, and grease }      spots.  Accomplishing any useful work in this }      environment, however will be just a tad tricky, }      considering the car has no engine or tires, and }      the gas tank is empty.  The user could attempt to }      use the shop tools to remedy the situation, but }      they are notoriously buggy and may compromise }      the system integrity, and set the garage on fire. } }      BULL IN A CHINA SHOP:  Specially designed inteface }      for the illiterate user who usually ends up trashing }      the system configuration so disastrously that the }      PC no longer knows the difference between a CD-ROM }      drive and a bologna sandwich.  Everything in this }      specially designed GUI, including the Start button }      is labeled "Do not touch." } }      32-BIT GRIDLOCK:  This GUI is filled with promises }      of improved system performance, but the technicians }      are still haggling over the coding details.  The }      result is a GUI that initially looks promising, but }      looks and feels very much like Old Windows. } }      SOLOMON GRUNDY:  A GUI specially designed for the }      organizationally challenged.  Nothing is properly }      categorized or neatly placed.  Want to use the }      phone?  No problem, if you can figure out which }      pile of dirty laundry it's buried under.  Looking }      for that important sales document?  Well it must }      be buried somewhere in that two-ton stack of }      papers on the desk (or is it under the bed?)  In }      any case, if you're a slob, you should feel right }      at home in this pigsty of a GUI. } } And there you have it for the latest developments in the dystopia } of Windows 95.  Enjoy yourself, and remember:  You asked for it! } } You owe the Oracle a beta copy of Microsoft Boob, the specially } designed GUI for the computer luser.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need to know what product or service I should manufacture or sell. > It's gotta fill an unfulfilled need for half the population on the > planet (or more).  What are your top three or five ideas? > > (I've already invented a grovulator, but there seems to be only one > customer for its output.  And the damned thing squirts dirty oil and > excrement all over me every time I use it.  Watch the result below.) > > GR::gr(); >   Your supremely insipid supplicant wallows in stinking mire, >   while whistling the praises of the Great Internet Oracle >   through his twitching eyeballs.  Vomiting into his own nose, >   the supplicant attempts to chant the entire Oraculad Gita from >   Ancient Hindustan, but chokes on the distinction between >   aspirated and unaspirated consonants.  His own aspiration >   ceases. > > (See, I told you.  It was exceptionally disgusting this time.  Yucch! > I'll try to wash up while you answer me.) > > Please help me get set up in a more rewarding business.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} - Lawn mowers with twin gas turbine engines } - Banana peelers } - Potato dispensers with reminder alarm } - Bleached and DayGlo dyed hamsters } - Cat washing machines } - Goldfish deodorant } - Portable grovulators for restaurant waiters } - Adaptors to fit a CD onto a 12-inch turntable } - Etch-a-Sketch for Windows(tm) } - Aerospace Engineering for Dummies books } - 5-year subcutaneous LSD implants } - Metropolitan Air Shares } - Federal metabolization permits } - Carbon licenses } - Polished neutronium earrings } - Solid gold refrigerator magnets } - Superconductor clotheslines } - Ceramic nutcrackers } - Tape filesystems } - Personal Digital Adversaries } - Web hide engines and Stupid Information Agents } - Affordable 20-megaton thermonuclear warheads for home protection } - Neckties reinforced with piano wire } - Life size baby dolls that roll their eyes, snarl in demonic tongues, }   spew phlegm, and try to claw your eyes out when you squeeze them.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, Oh Oracle, Wise Oracle, Oracle of the farthest sight and > the keenest hearing. Oracle whose wise sayings are quoted even in such > far-off places as Oslo, Ontario and Orpington. Hear me now, great > oracle, and solve my mystery: > > A fellow supplicant came to me and said that all new supplicants had to > > a) Put "Tell Me" in the subject line, > > b) Give a really great grovel, and > > c) ask a question that begins "How much". > > Now I can only think of one such question, and I'm sure you don't > really want to waste your valuable time and effort letting me know the > final quantity. So could you point me towards a web-site that shows the > mathematical calculations of how much wood a wood chuck might be able > to chuck if, perchance, a woodchuck could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, if only there were such a web site, then people might bother to } consult it instead of bothering me (then again...).  I did mention in } Oracularity 841-03 that this question was available on the web, but } then I didn't mention where the answer was located... } } However, since that's the nicest version of the question that I've } received all afternoon, I'll see if I can help you towards the answer. } } Consider this.  You have twelve similar balls, but one of them is } heavier or lighter than the others.  Three of them have written on them } common English words ending with "gry".  Then Monty Hall opens a door } in one of the balls and reveals that it contains the next number in the } sequence 1, 11, 21, 1211, ... . He gives you the opportunity to switch } envelopes, giving you a higher expected value of your winnings.  He } might be always telling the truth or always lying, but you have only } one question in which to find out on which day the prisoner is going to } be executed, given that the execution has to be carried out by Friday } and it must be a complete surprise to him that there are several } English words each with two opposing meanings.  If you can work out } what colour the bear is and find the probability that my other child is } a girl then I think the answer to your question is clear - don't you? } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Winning Ways by Martin Gardner.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Proud Oracle who dictated sections of the Magna Carta as a practical > joke, I abase myself before your magnificence and beg of you to answer > my question. > > How can I tell if my dog has been replaced with an alien spy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Its not easy, but there are some telltale signs. Just have a little } conversation with your dog and casually slip in these questions and see } how close your "current" dog comes to the "real dog" responses. } }     Question: }     What do you put on top of a house to keep the rain out? } }      Real dog:  Rooof } Alien spy dog:  XccYclz } }     Question: }     When I don't hit my drive as straight as I'd hoped, where does it }     wind up? } }      Real dog:  Ruff } Alien spy dog:  Zzyzzch } }     Question: }     What would you suggest I use as a material for a landscape garden }     mulch? } }      Real dog:  Bark } Alien spy dog:  Newspaper } }   Of course the best way to find out for sure would be to just ASK me. } }   You owe the Oracle 25% of the movie rights.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> quit > exit > ^C > ^X > exit > logout > ^Q

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You computer junkies are all the same.  All you need to do is turn the } handle and it will open.  Sheeeesh!  Have you never used a door before?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mysterious, wondrous and downright amazing Oracle: > > How come we never see baby pigeons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You do, but you only see them before they go into their cocoons } and grow wings.  Baby pigeons are usually called "squirrels"