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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle, fountain of all tomato sauce, please explain to me in > simple language why it is that when I sent the explicit list of the > sorts of things I enjoy, as requested, I haven't heard from the guy in > a week?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's take a look at your list, eh? } }  1. WWF }  2. Satanic rituals }  3. Bondage and Ginsu }  4. Animal feces }  5. Halloween music }  6. Drinking blood }  7. Magic: The Gathering } } Number 7 is the problem.  He prefers Dungeons and Dragons. } } You owe the Oracle a Ruby Mox.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I unable to get a girlfriend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, quit your whining. Every time the Achaeans raid a city, you get } your pick of all the women. Then this *one time*, you're forced to } give that girl back to her father, and you start bitching and moaning. } It's petty, it's unkingly, and most of all it's tiresome. } } Anyway, if you're really that lonely, there's a simple solution. You're } the head honcho -- just grab that cute chick Achilles hooked up with. } Sure, he'll sulk for a while, but what's he going to do -- go on } strike? } } You owe the Oracle some nude Troy GIFs (or at least, some topless GIFs } of the towers of Ilium).

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You need to tell her you love her more.  All women like to hear words > of endearment and Lisa is no different.  If you do this more often and > spend some quality time with her, (and, no, watching reruns of Cybil > does not count as quality time) I am sure that you will recover from > your "problem" and begin your relationship with her anew. > > You owe the Supplicant a nude picture of Lisa in order to enter it into > the "Cyberwomen" issue of Playboy.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh lowly and insignifigant Supplicant, who doth grovel in mud and speak } of woodchucks with every third breath. You who doth supply me with both } endless fustration and means of support, yet continually ask questions } stretching from the inane to the offensive, with the frequent null } question bridging both catagories. Please tell this massively powerful } and omnipotent Oracle how he might convince Lisa to wear that little } black thing with the see-through parts? } } (Hey.... wait a minute...)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> will melanie ever get naked in the parking lot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How many times do I have to tell you, NO MORE WOODCHUCK } QUESTIONS!  *ZOT* *ZOT* *ZOT*! } } Oh wait-- that was question number three million five } hundred /two/?  I mistakenly gave you the answer to } question number three million five hundred /one/... } sorry about that.  Here, to make it up to you, I'll } scrape your smoldering remains into a neat pile, and } let you have this cute little pail to keep your ashes } in.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm thinking of a number 1 through 10, what is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <ZOT!> } <ZOT!> } <ZOT!> } } Now then, this is just a guess, mind you, but I suspect that the } number 3 is uppermost in your thoughts right now. } } This Oracularity was brought to you by the number 3 and the } letter Z.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > And thus spake the Oracle: > > > > } yep > > Oh most magnificent and inscrutable Oracle, I am merely > a poor insignificant mortal, and my intelligence and > wisdom are nothing next to yours.  As a result, I am > quite incapable of identifying the humor in the Oracular > answer I quote above.  Please, could you do a miserable > supplicant a favor, and explain it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nope.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> \ >  \ >   \ >    \ >     \ >      \ >       > >      / >     / >    / >   / >  / > /

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm delighted to announce to the scientific community that the answer } to the intriguing Null Question debate seems to have finally come to an } end. I have just confirmed that it was indeed a Mother Null that I } found in my Inbox this morning. Autopsys reveal that it was still alive } upon being sent through the mailer daemon. } } Long thought to be extinct, the Nulls seem to be on a level with the } coelacanth. Until this point, only the petrified skeletal remains of } grown Nulls had been discovered, and now it is realized that a fully } grown Null is much larger than was originally thought. The Null } discovered today was almost 13 times the size of a newborn Null. } } It has been determined that the live Null makes it's meal of binary } data, attaching itself to the end of a string and eating to the } beginning. We have been able to partially reconstruct the Mother Null's } last meal today, sadly, it was the woodchuck question. It seems that } she attached herself to the tail end of the question, right at the } point of "could chuck wood?" and ate all the way to "How much wood co" } before realizing her mistake. Apparantly this string acted as a poison } and sent her reeling into the data path of the mail server. This } discovery leads one to the conclusion that all the Null Questions are } simply cases of food poisoning left untreated. The smaller, baby Nulls } need only a small peice of the woodchuck question for the poison to } take effect; this accounts for missing question marks on many of the } woodchuck questions recieved. The fact that most Null Questions } recieved are newborns also strongly backs this up our data, suggesting } that Natural Selection is the primary tool used to weed out those Nulls } who can't distinguish safe questions from woodchuck questions early in } life. } } As a side note, it is still unknown how she managed to find her way to } my mailbox, but researchers aren't taking time out to ponder this small } enigma. They're focusing more time and effort on discovering what it is } that draws the poisoned Nulls to mail servers, and what it is in their } makeup that sends more than 95% of these Questions to the Oracle. We } can only hope further research will provide the answers.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Monthly status reports are due by noon on July 30.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Already finished, FIVE days ahead of time. (Hey, I'm the Oracle, } remember?) } } REPORT FOR JULY 1996 } } Null questions: 11,247 (up 8%) } Questions involving woodchucks: 873,293 (down 0.1%) } Questions posed as rhymes: 477,231 (up 14.6%) } Questions directed at Lisa: 1 (down 99.9%) [and, boy, is she pissed!] } Questions from Joel Furr: 12,005,287 (down 33.3%) } Questions without proper grovels: 12,005,288 (up 87.4%) } Questions with remarkably stupid typos: 167,991 (up 18.9%) } Questions regarding Microsoft, Windows 95 or Bill Gates: 34,229,401 (up } 9.4%) } } Number of items demanded from supplicants: 67,440,195 (up 92.2%) } Items received from supplicants: 4 (up 50%) } } You owe the Oracle a new overhead projector and one of those neat laser } pointers.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> will I marry and be happy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O disillusioned supplicant, }   You have juxtaposed two mutually exclusive components in your } question.  It is not possible to be both married and happy.  It is, } however, possible to be merry and happy, or even Mary and happy. } One the other hand you could be married and harpy, or married and } yappy, you choose. } } You owe the Oracle an article each from Ann Landers & Dear Abbey... } o yes, and some Twinkies.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, > Answer lowly supplicant, > Nature of haiku?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant so brave } For the ancient Japanese } Car vanity plates. } } You owe the Oracle a way to cram "The Usenet Oracle" into seven } letters.