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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I would like to get into ham radio. > I've got an pair of car stereo speakers, and a telephone > handset, and an old rabbit-ear antenna, and a 6 pound ham. > Is there anything else I need?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Finally a question that plumbs the depths of my knowledge! } } Ambitious supplicant, }   You seem to have gathered the essentials.  Keep in mind that the } type of ham you use will affect the areas you can reach.  A Virginia } ham will only allow access to Kansas, for obvious reasons.  Under } no circumstances, with your setup will you be able to reach Israel. } } You owe the Oracle 100 pounds of Kosher bacon bits.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, hey!  You've changed addresses!  Now, all your messages > are coming from gummy.cs.indiana.edu, instead of > moose.cs.indiana.edu.  What prompted this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle answers: } }       Very observant... most people are babbling so much about }       woodchucks and such that they miss the find points. } }       The answer is easy, U.S. Postal regulations caused split }       in certain zones . . . we were affected. } }       By the by, watch out, next year E-mail stamps are going up...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I have to come out and ask my question?  You're > omniscient, so you already know what the question is. > You could just answer it, without waiting for me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So!  Here we have another one of you pathetic freeloaders who expect } everything just handed to you on a plate.  Couldn't even be bothered to } grovel, I see.  Typical.  Still I suppose I have to help you, poor } suffering mortal that you are... } } Here are the answers to all the questions you will ask for the } remainder of your life. } } -- } 2 August } } I'm afraid that it probrably is contagious.  However, visiting him is } the only way that you can be assured of recieving your share of the } inheritance.  If you don't visit him, the entire fortune will go to } your revolting cousin, Max. } --- } 8 August } } The cure for Boxienelli's Syndrome will be discovered in June, 2004 by } Azzx`mdi Mod-izxi`q.  Azz had spent many years of his life building up } to this discovery, using a special breed of lab rats for his } experiments. The cure would have been discovered much earlier were it } not for the efforts of animal rights protesters who prevented him from } carring out the experiments on cockroaches necessary to perfecting the } cure. } --- } 19 August } } Yes, I'm afraid that it will be quite painful, but you'll just have to } put up with that.  As for your will, I suggest that as you can't take } it with you, you could leave the loot back to your cousin.  After all, } kissing the old codger was probrably a bad idea in the first place. } --- } } You owe the Oracle the question of life, the universe, and everything.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and most puissant Oracle, whose dandruff I am unworthy to have > fall upon me, > > Why are some Olympic events scored on a scale of 10, and others on a > scale of 6?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Originally all the events were judged on a scale of 10.  However, } this wasn't an official rule, it was just the traditional way scoring } was done. }  Eventually the various standards organizations decided to simplify the } scoring in the same manner that they simplified UNIX standards. } OSF decided on a sliding scale, with the top score equaling the } average age of the competitors multiplied by .41.  XOPEN disagreed and } insisted the scoring should be binary with everyone getting a 1 for } each required element performed well and 0 if it was not done well. } Thus a gymnast may get 11011110 if she missed two elements.  POSIX felt } we would all get along better if everyone received the same score. } Meanwhile, corporate sponser IBM lobbied for scores that were bigger } than anyone felt we had a need for. }  Eventually the ruling board for each sport picked a standard. } Tragically, sports that picked a bad standard faded away.  Thus, } firewalking and tomahawk throwing are no longer olympic sports. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed picture of Lavina Milosovic.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise,  please tell me how much wood would a wood chuck > chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At last!  I've been waiting eons for a supplicant to get this } question right.  Usually, they mangle it terribly, and it ends } up referring to those horrid little animals.  But you are } obviously a carpenter, and you know what's what. } } Unfortunately, my Priests are not carpenters, so they don't } know what you're talking about.  Folks, if you look at a lathe, } you'll see a sort of cylindrical clamp, which holds the wood in } place.  That's the chuck.  A drill has a similar arrangement } (also called a chuck) for holding the drill bit, and in order } to distinguish between them, the one on the lathe is called a } wood chuck. } } Now on to your question.  If used improperly, a wood chuck can } indeed chuck wood.  The amount varies according to the size of } the lathe - a small one used by hobbyists would only be able } to chuck about a kilogram, whereas a big industrial model could } hurl up to 35 kilos.  Don't get in the way of that baby!  Your } own lathe, which is probably of the most interest to you, could } throw as much as 12.7 kilos at a go. } } For the record, I should mention that a wood chuck will only } be able to chuck the wood if it is not tightened securely, or } if the wood is off-center.  It is a tribute to your skill as a } carpenter that you have never seen a wood chuck chuck wood. } } You owe the Oracle a nice matched set of unchucked wooden } candlesticks.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> subscribe

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You need to provide a lot more information than that before you have } a viable offer.  What is my choice of magazines?  Prices?  Method of } payment?  How long will it take for my subscriptions to be processed? } Is there a money-back guarantee if I'm not completely satisfied? } Do the proceeds benefit some charity or other worthy non-profit } organization?  Do you enter me in a sweepstakes if I subscribe? } What if I don't?  Is there a maximum number of subscriptions I can } order?  Where can I get a copy of your company's financial statements } and credit references? } } You owe the Oracle a good hard look at the Oracular help file.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle so wise, please inform - > > There's this little black button on the front of this computer.  It's > just below the power button, just to the up and left of the headphone > hole, just to the up and right of the microphone hole, and some way to > the right of all the pretty coloured lights.  I can't press it because > it's one of those buttons that needs a ball point pen to press it, and > I don't have one. > > What does it do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The little black button?  Oh, that is the Black Hole Overload Memory } Button (BHOMB).  Little known to most computer users, a mini black } hole resides at the heart of every computer.  Its sole purpose is to } mysteriously gobble up that 100-page sales proposal that you've been } laboring on for the past six months.  Every so often, the mini black } hole--which does not have as big an appetite as its interstellar } cousins--must be emptied lest it become bloated or develop a terrible } case of indigestion.  Let me assure you, a black hole with } indigestion or heartburn is NOT a pretty sight!  Since you obviously } have a multimedia system, you must have noticed a full-audio, 16-bit } sucking sound occurring every so often, usually accompanied by data } loss and bizarre system messages, such as "Error:  Error Encountered } During Error Processing."  This is your special little friend, hard at } work. } } So you must be asking yourself:  "If it must be purged every so often, } then must there not be a way to restore that file containing Mom's } recipe for woodchuck with bearnaise sauce and asparagus tips, right?" } Wrong, you silly mortal!  Access to the black hole is controlled by a } special driver:  lbh ("little black hole").  The lbh driver is } really nothing more than a specially designed version of the driver } for the null file, otherwise known as the bit bucket.  Whatever goes } into a null file is irretrievably mangled and smooshed, the basic } working principle of Mr. Quayle's brain. } } So why does your computer have such a seemingly ridiculous device? } Because its specification was mandated by ANSI in 1985 and is } officially published as LBH00.0312-1985.  Various lobby groups, most } notably the American Association for Electronic and Computer } Engineers fought for inclusion of this specification as a guarantee } that there would always be a need for technical support personnel } whose sole job is charge customers through the nose for technical } assistance on how to hose up their systems, and then recommend } product upgrades that the customers really don't need and will never } know how to use properly. } } So just relax and learn to live with it.  You can't avoid it.  Be } sure to back up your files daily, although there's no real guarantee } that that little critter in your PC won't go out for a stroll some } day and suck up your backups as well.  Don't bother with safe deposit } boxes, he knows how to pick locks.  Actually...he'll probably just } eat the lock as an appetizer. } } You owe the Oracle the complete biography of Stepen Hawking and a } 200-page report on quantum graviational field theory.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      yo, wise Oracle person type thing, >      Am I Satan?  And if so, hOW...YOU WILL IGNORE THIS MESSAGE.  THIS >      BODY IS MINE NOW.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A DEMON }  (or, You Might be Satan If...) } }   - Small animals burst into flame when you pet them. } }   - Your fondest childhood memories are of large rodents and }       sledgehammers. } }   - All life ceases to exist within a 10 mile radius whenever }       you sneeze. } }   - You can't go out with anyone because your date is always }       put off by the packs of scavenging animals following }       you everywhere. } }   - People at haunted houses are scared of _you_. } }   - Your mother constantly refers to you as her "hellspawn." } } You owe the Oracle a brand new car... type... thing.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I convert to Judaism to marry my girlfriend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Strictly, it's not necessary.  Your kids will be Jewish anyway.  The } question is, do you want to LOOK Jewish.  If you haven't had it cut } off yet, it'll have to go.  I recommend you visit your rabbi NOW.  He } will explain everything to you, including your bris. } } Here are several reasons NOT to convert: } }   1.  You are happily a Christian. } }   2.  You are happily an atheist. } }   3.  You don't care about religion. } }   4.  Who needs 5000 years of retroactive persecution? } }   5.  You already believe in The Internet Oracle. } }   6.  You can't stand the thought of gefilte fish. } }   7.  Your father is in the KKK and would have apoplexy under his hood. } }   8.  Your mother makes excellent chicken soup already, and there's }       something she's never told you. } } There are dozens more reasons.  Your rabbi will tell you all of them. } } You owe the Oracle your promise to show this Oracular answer to your } rabbi.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Good evening, my name is Lucas, and I'll be your Supplicant tonight. > Before you answer, let me tell you about our specials. > > First, we have a meaning-of-life tonight, very profound, comes with > a fine grovel and your choice of beverage.  If you're looking for > something lighter, we have our Geek Special, how can I get a date, > excellent with our house whine.  If you're in the mood for something > unusual, there's the Chef's Surprise.  Fresh punctuation on a bed of > gibberish, in a cheesy sauce, definitely exotic and > out-of-the-ordinary. And as always, Sir, we have our Specialty of the > House, the Woodchuck question, fried, grilled or blackened to order, > comes with a side of Spam. > > Are you ready to answer, or do you need a few more minutes to decide?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How about spam, spam, spam, blackened woodchuck, spam, spam, spam and } spam? I'd also like a nice bottle of the house whine, please.