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} Oracle: Good morning ladies, gentlemen, Kevin. Welcome to the Advanced
} Oracularities module. As I'm sure you are all aware, there are no
} course credits to be gained here - I hope to change that next year
} - but when I've finished with you, you'll have the satisfaction
} of knowing that you form the vanguard of a new, trained cadre of
} incarnations who will not only raise the standard of oracular
} responses generally - and let's face it, it's in dire need of
} raising at the moment - but are also guaranteed to get into the
} digests virtually every time their fingers touch the keyboard.
}
} Now I'm sure you all know me - I'm the Internet Oracle. I'll be
} taking you through the finer points of providing sensational
} responses to every question the great unwashed out there in
} cyberspace can throw at you, from the sublime to the ridiculous,
} as well as how to deal with spams, woodchucks, lemurs, B1FF,
} Zadoc the Priest, and a host of other unsavory intrusions. You'll
} be shown how to construct biblical and Buddhist oracularities and
} top ten lists. You'll learn the relative merits of prose and verse
} responses, and how to squeeze the last creative drop out of Star
} Trek TNG, the X-Files and the Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
} You'll also find out why Beavis and Butthead should be avoided at
} all times (if you didn't already know). Finally at the end of the
} semester, as a special treat, there will be a practical ZOTting
} session which I guarantee will make Quake look sissy in comparison.
}
} So, any questions at this stage? Fine. In that case, I thought we'd
} kick off with a typically obscure question selected from this
} morning's email bag. See what you make of this:
}
} > Who are Daniel Thurner
}
} Any suggestions as to how to answer this?
}
} Kevin: ZOT the little turd for not grovelling!
}
} Oracle: Thank you, Kevin, but you hardly need to be an *advanced*
} incarnation to come up with that one. Anyone else have an idea?
} No? Well, what's the first step you would take?
}
} Megan: Uh... find out who Daniel Thurner is?
}
} Oracle: Excellent! A sound first move. And how do we do that?
}
} Megan: Alta Vista?
}
} Oracle: Precisely! Use the Net to help you - that's good thinking.
} Please try it on your terminal.
}
} Megan: Daniel Thurner returns no hits.
}
} Chelsea: Could it be a typo? Daniel Turner seems a more probable name.
}
} Oracle: Good, good. Megan?
}
} Megan: Lots of Daniel Turners. Hmm... none of them seems very famous,
} though.
}
} Oracle: Looks like this was a false lead then. Can anyone tell me what
} was wrong with Megan's approach? No? Was she trying to answer the
} right question?
}
} Travis: She's trying to find out who Daniel Thurner *is*. But the
} question asks "Who *are* Daniel Thurner."
}
} Oracle: Brilliant! I *am* impressed. Remember this - as an advanced
} incarnation you *must* pay strict attention to the precise wording
} of the question. Otherwise you can end up falling into all kinds
} of semantic traps and wind up looking rather less than omniscient.
}
} So, "who *are* Daniel Thurner?" What does this question mean?
}
} Josh: That the supplicant is a moron who can't spell or construct a
} grammatical sentence?
}
} Oracle: Most of them are. Or else?
}
} Megan: This Daniel Thurner suffers from multiple personality disorder?
}
} Travis: Or he has a doppelganger.
}
} Melanie: How about - Daniel Thurner is really a colonial alien lifeform
} come to conquer the Earth?
}
} Oracle: Those are all interesting possibilities. There's certainly a
} lot of scope for imaginative responses here then. What's another
} approach? Come on - what else could the message be?
}
} Josh: Some sort of code?
}
} Oracle: Right - a code! What sort?
}
} Josh: ROT13?
}
} Oracle: I hardly think so.
}
} Kevin: ROT12!
}
} Oracle: No...
}
} Kevin: ROT11!
}
} Oracle: Thank you, Kevin. I think we've exhausted that particular line
} of inquiry.
}
} Kevin: I still think you should ZOT the little turd for not grovelling.
}
} Megan: An anagram!
}
} Oracle: Aha!
}
} Megan: Of, er, "lurid earthenware hon."
}
} Melanie: "Hornier adults whine!"
}
} Chelsea: "Worn ariel headhunter!"
}
} Alan: "Loh, Newt insured hair!"
}
} Oracle: Alright, alright, thank you, that's enough. The purpose of
} this exercise was to demonstrate that even the most unpromising
} question that the barbarian hordes of AOL can hurl at you can be
} turned into an entertaining response if you just let your
} imagination roam a little. Don't react automatically. And never
} take a question too literally - otherwise you might as well be a
} walking encyclopedia.
}
} Melanie: But shouldn't we try to give the *right* answer?
}
} Oracle: Certainly, if at all possible.
}
} Melanie: So what's the right answer to *this* question?
}
} Oracle: Simplest thing in the world:
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Who are Daniel Thurner
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } } ZOT { {
}
} Look kids, I'm a very busy deity. I get in excess of 1500 questions
} pouring in every day, on top of taking these classes, giving
} leadership to the priesthood and having to help Lisa with the
} shopping. You really think I'm going to waste my valuable time,
} what little there is of it, trying to figure out the hidden meaning
} underlying every badly formulated piece of drivel that lands in my
} in-tray? Anyway, the little turd didn't grovel.
}
} Now, for the rest of this class, I'd like to turn to the really
} profound questions that you may find yourself confronted with.
} You know, like the meaning of life and death, the origin of the
} universe, and where all the ballpoint pens keep disappearing to.
}
} Kevin: Ballpoint pens? Surely that's not profound!
}
} Oracle: You're not really cut out for this are you, Kevin? ...And
} don't call me Shirley.
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![[IO]](https://kinzler.com/picons/db/domains/org/internetoracle/unknown/face.gif){kind=small}
