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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What a multifaceted question! I've never seen something so wonderful in } all my life! And, well, thank you for the extreme compliment, calling } me a super user who is the root of all your life's answers... wait a } minute! Maybe you mean something more... Let's look at the definition } for this symbol (out of the Jargon File (published as the New Hacker's } Dictionary)): } }     # }         Common: number sign; pound; pound sign; hash; sharp; }         crunch; hex; mesh.  Rare: grid; crosshatch; octothorpe; }         flash; square, pig-pen; tictactoe; scratchmark; thud; }         thump; splat. } } Well, the first one, "number sign", is pretty obvious, as is "pound } sign", even though it confuses our UK counterparts. I don't think } there's anything hidden in those two, unless, of course, you mean to } pound me with a street sign... } } Let see; pound... I hope you're not planning on giving me a pounding, } or I'll have to get nasty. I'm not liking the violent trend this is } taking... Maybe you want to give me some money? Good exchange rates, } these days, I hear... } } Hash: Not feeling all that hungry at the moment; maybe I've had too } much? Either that, or you want me to become addicted to spuds... } } Sharp: Well, you're sure not. At least, not as sharp as I am. And } there's that violence again... } } Crunch: Look at this, either you're hungry, or you want to crunch my } bones! More violence! } } Hex: Good grief! Are you a pagan, too? Wanting to hex all my work? If } there's one thing I cannot stand, it's violence! } } Mesh: This one is a little tougher to figure, but it could mean } mosquito netting. That's it! You want to kill me like a bug! More } violence! } } Grid: Well, this one's a little more harmless, thank the gods... Maybe } you're thinking of the gridiron? Hut-hut-hut! } } Crosshatch: Another pretty harmless one. Looking for a simple Windoze } background pattern are you? } } Octothorpe: You're getting quite weird... } } Flash: No, you can't take any pictures of me! Especially not *that* } way! Now, close up your jacket and go away, or I'll have to zot } something! } } Square: Yes, you are. } } Pig-pen: Well, I know it gets a little messy in here at times, but I'm } so busy answering all these bloody questions all day long that I have } little time for temple cleaning. Either that, or you mean to pen me up } like a pig, and possibly poke me! Egads, more violence! } } Tictactoe: No, I'm too busy answering questions to play simple games } with you. Go ask your niece! } } Scratchmark: Again, violence! I mean, I may like it when Lisa scratches } my back, but she doesn't try to draw blood! } } Thud: Uh, oh. I'd better check for 16-ton weights before continuing. I } cannot believe the hostility you're showing towards me... } } Thump: You want a fight, do you? You must, with everything you've been } suggesting by your question! } } *SPLAT* } } You owe the Oracle a spatula to scrape you up with, and a trip to an } anger therapist.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wise and benevolent Oracle, whose fortune cookie I am not fit > to bring to the table (much less break open for you).  Tell me the > answer I seek to this question... > > After eating Chinese food the other day, I received a fortune that read > "The Reward of Life is Yours."  What is this reward of which my fortune > speaks?  Do I need to go somewhere to collect it, or will it be mailed > to my house?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you return the winning number before the end of time, we'll say: } } "JOE SUPPLICANT, YOU'VE WON THE REWARD OF LIFE!!!!" } } Yes, that's right, Joe Supplicant, the Reward of Life is yours if you } have and return the winning number before the end of the world.  But be } sure to act now, because if you wait until the afterlife to return your } winning number, it'll be too late!  When the end of time comes, if we } don't have YOUR winning number, we'll draw another one and give the } Reward of Life to somebody else!  Then we'll call you on the phone and } TELL you that you lost and make you, Joe Supplicant, feel like a moron } for the rest of eternity! } } And you have another chance to win, Joe Supplicant!  If you send your } entry in before the end of the millenium, you will have a SECOND CHANCE } TO WIN! Yes, you're reading correctly!  Just affix the enclosed Bonus } Sticker to your entry form and make sure it's postmarked before January } 1, 2001, and YOUR CHANCES OF WINNING WILL BE DOUBLED!  Yes, that's } right, DOUBLE THE CHANCE TO WIN THE REWARD OF LIFE! } } What, you ask, is so great about this Reward of Life anyway?  Joe } Supplicant, the Reward of Life is a product of Grand Unified } Industries, Inc. and is widely known as one of the most diverse and } functional set of biochemical reactions in the universe.  Here's just a } few of the features of the Reward of Life you will be receiving when } you return the winning number: } }   - Deoxyribonucleic Acid based Heredity Functions }   - The complete set of Higher Consciousness and Self-Awareness options }   - A fully functional Bipedal Locomotion option }   - Two five-digit Environmental Manipulater Units with one Opposable }     Thumb each }   - A complete set of Emotions and Feelings, including angst, anger, }     happiness, sadness, jealousy, lust, contentment, revenge -- }     Everything you expect in a higher life form!  We'll even include }     Love and Hate! } } But remember, Joe Supplicant, if you don't return the winning number on } time, WE'LL GIVE THE REWARD OF LIFE TO SOMEBODY ELSE, and then MAKE YOU } FEEL LIKE A COMPLETE MORON FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY! } } As if all this weren't a great offer, we're also including a huge array } of inexpensive magazine subscriptions that we know you'll be interested } in!  Just affix the appropriate stamps to your entry form, and you'll } start receiving your new subscriptions next month!  No need to send } money, you'll be billed later! } } So send in your winning number now, Joe Supplicant, and don't miss your } chance to win the Reward of Life.  And remember, if you reply before } January 1, 2001, you'll have DOUBLE the chance to win! } }                               Sincerely, } }                               S. Being }                               President of Everything } } PS: You owe the Oracle a plate of Angry Chicken and the odds of } winning.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pj ptsv;r. ejp [tryrmfd yp lmpe oy s;;. > > O fpm y trs;;u nr;rovr upi str P,midvormt. dp O frvofrf yp ,slr yjid > trs;;u do,[;r yrdy got upi, yp [tpbr upi strm y )pt ,sunr str. niy O > yti;u fpiny oy_/ > > Og upi omfrrf str p,modvormy. yjrm oy djpi;f nr mp [tpn;r, gpt upi yp > frvu[jrt yjod do,[;r vpfr smd smdert ,u ,rddshr. > > Og upi vsm y. jperbrt. O eo;; jsbr [tpbrm upi str mpy ejsy upi v;so, > upi str. smd upi epm y rbrm lmpe oy >rbo; htom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      "LISA!" } }      <Yes, Orrie?!> } }      "Have you seen that old "Decoder Ring for Geeks +4" some }      supplicant gave me after Clinton was elected?" } }      <Did you try the desk, dear?> } }      "Of COURSE I tried the desk.....dear. Where was it when you }      cleaned up last?" } }      <When -I- did WHAT?!> } }      "I'm sorry. Wrong phraseology. Where did you see it last?" } }      <That Joel fellow had it.> } }      "And Joel went out with....Zadoc! Slither in here immediately!" } }      ........S } }      "That's better. Now, to get out of your current 'condition', can }      you tell me where the "Decoder Ring for Geeks +4" is?" } }      Zadoc nods. } }      "Careful!! You drip venom on the shag, and Lisa will make boots }      out of you!" } }      Zadoc carefully nods, grovelly furtively. } }      "Very good. Now GET ME THAT RING!" } }      Zadoc slithers under the desk. Much knocking about is heard, }      followed by a burp. Zadoc appears with the ring in his fangs. } }      "Well done, good and faithful serpent." Orrie takes the ring. "and }      now..." } }      <ZOT!> } }      "Thank you, Massssssssssster." } }      "You're welcome. I'm sure you'll get used to the tongue. Again, no }      more posting JPG's of Lisa on my home page. Get out." } }      Zadoc departs. } }      The Oracle ponders the message, and resorts to the Geek decoder }      ring. } }      "Hmm....ah....humph! Really.....fine." }      ... } }      So, pal, you put your message into some geeky code, don't grovel, }      belittle my omniscience, seek to test me, and have the NERVE to }      grin about it afterwards? } }      I'm the Oracle, pal. You think I don't receive messages from }      supplidiots like yourself, but using PGP without giving me the }      key! If I can do that, I can handle moving my hands one key over }      on a keyboard! } }      BTW,  it's "believe", not "beleice"; "Omniscient", not }      "Omnuscienr"; "this", not "thus"; "for", not "fir". And you can't }      use periods to end a sentence. } }       ZZZZZ  OOOOO  TTTTT  !! }          Z   O   O    T    !! }         Z    O   O    T    !! }        Z     O   O    T    !! }       ZZZZZ  OOOOO    T    .. } }      You owe The InterNet Oracle (Caps intended, as incarnated as }      eadams@ndcwireless.com) a really, REALLY good code. <Sheesh!> } }      oh oracle, who pretends to know it all, } }        i don't really beleice you are Omnuscienr, so I decided to make }        thus really simple test fir youm to prove you aren't (or maybe }        are, but I truly doubt it). } }        If you indeed are omniscient, then it should be no problem for }        you to decypher this simple code ans answer my messagem } }        If you can't, however, I will have proven you are not what you }        claim you are, ans you won't even know it <evil grin>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't have a lot of money but I want to have my family history > traced. Other than running for public office, what is the easiest and > cheapest way of going about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lay a sheet of translucent paper on top of your family history. Use a } pen to exactly duplicate the markings visible through the paper. A } simple and inexpensive procedure, is it not? } } You owe the Oracle a pantograph.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, please enlighten this humble supplicant... > Wy do all of my Oracular answers seem to end up being judged by > Otis Viles?  Is there some sort of karmic attraction between us, > perhaps?  Are we "soulmates" or some sort of mystical thing like > that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is hardly something so interesting as "karmic attraction" or } "soulmates" or such.  Poor Otis just has been assigned to peruse the } stupidest five percent of the Oracularies.  The fact that he keeps } coming up with yours is just an unlucky coincidence. } } You owe the Oracle a free elevator.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the English language kind of stupid sometimes. For example why > is a drive-way called driveway when it should really be called > parkway, and why is a parkway called parkway when it should really be > called driveway. You drive on a parkway, you dont park.  You park on > a driveway, you dont drive.  Can someone like you with an extremely > high IQ level, explain this to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Years ago, sometime in between the Space and the Dark Ages, cars were } just catching on and some people were concerned that they were exposed } to the elements while not being used.  They went to the great thinkers } of their time and asked them what to do. } } PERSON: Help!  Our horseless carriages are exposed to the elements } while in storage! } } GREAT THINKER:  Why, your newfangled automobiles will always be exposed } to the elements.  The elements make up everything around us, the air, } the ground, everything.  The only way to get your horseless carriage } away from the elements would be to encase it in a vacuum, but it is } doubtful you could do this without the help of God, or at least a good } vacuum cleaner. } } PERSON:  Ah, sorry I asked. } } So the people insulted the great thinkers' ancestry, and the great } thinkers made elitist comments about the people's upbringing, and the } two groups went back to their business.  Later, a paving company, } trying to find a gimmick through which they could get more money, came } up with the concept of driving the horseless carriage down a small } little road and into a shed of some sort.  This quickly caught on, and } the company made millions.  The little road was named a drive-way } because they drove their car down it.  The name "garage" comes from the } sound people made when they inhaled the carbon monoxide filled air of } the shed. } } Much later on, people drove much faster horseless carriages.  Their } automobiles were a lot safer, so they began to look at the scenery } instead of wondering when and if their car would explode.  They noticed } that the scenery around the roads was ugly and complained about it. } The environmentalists complained about the pollutants created by the } cars.  Thus trees were planted by many roads to make them look better } and to absorb some of the pollution.  This also made the car companies } and repair companies happy because if someone goes off the road and } hits a tree, they will have to repair or replace the car.  In this way } it satisfied everyone.  The roads were termed "parkways" because they } were supposed to look like a park. Usually this means they are roads } flanked by weak saplings which need to be supported by rods and look } artificial. } } You owe the Oracle an ADC atlas of Cincinnati.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wonderfully great Oracle who has been around since before > time itself but has never gotten bored: I remember back when I first > discovered your great Oracular presence and started sending questions > and answers to the Oracle, there was much talk of secret codes needed > to get into the Oracularities. This seems to have been hushed up > lately, so I've been forced to conclude that these codes do insist, > and that some sort of trade was made where the Priests gave certain > incarnations the codes and in return the incarnations have promised > never to mention them again, which explains their current absence. > Is this really true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} X-Oracularity-Code: The purple water runs uphill. } } No, of course not.  That's just a rumor. } } You owe the Oracle a Captain Crunch decoder ring.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Furry Oracle, whose car I am not worthy to drive off > a cliff, > > I've been thinking of starting a flamewar. Preferably me > versus an entire Usenet group, as I excell at that. I > plan to find some great, busy, *unmoderated* group that > hasn't had a good solid flamewar in over a year. I will > then read the FAQ, and take special note of what not to > do, preferably something the entire group is probably a > little sensitive about. Then I will make a post or series > of posts that totally break the rules of the FAQ. When > people start to complain, I will tell them that they > *obviously* don't understand the FAQ. If it appears that > the arguements starting to go to E-mail, then I will make > a series of *new* posts, designed to lure as many newcomers > into the flamewar as possible. You would think that after > a while people would start ignoring me, but believe me, > I'm experienced in these areas, and it never happens. > Before long, the entire newsgroup has descended into chaos. > > So, Orrie, all I need now is a newsgroup I can do my work > in. Would you be so kind as to suggest one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Might I suggest microsoft.public.netiquette? Here are some helpful } topics you might be able to use. } }       Dole for President -- Perot for Vice President! } }       Where can I get a free Internet connection to the WWW? } }       WHAT DOES THE CAPS LOCK KEY DO IN VISUAL BASIC. ITS ON MY }       KEYBOARD AND ITS NOT IN THE MANUAL ANYPLACE I LOOKED. } }       Netscape doesn't work any more. How come/ } }       The government is putting secret bugging devices inside your hard }       drive to see what you're doing. I opened mine up (there are a lot }       of stickers about "warranty void" that they put on there just to }       keep you from looking) and I found a tiny gadget inside that }       records everything you put on your hard drive for the GOVERNMENT! } }       Who's in charge of this bbs, and is he really a millionaire? } }       Any hot babes want to talk dirty to me? Call 1-900-555-1212. } }       This bbs sux big time. Are there any others? } }       Perot for President -- Bill Gates for vice president! } }       This is a test message because my modem is broken. } }       I saw a newsgroup last week that was talking about making a new }       newsgroup. Which one was it? } }       What's a cascade? } }       I only bought Windows 95 because it's supposed to make my }       computer work just like a Macintosh. But I can't get MacWrite to }       work. How come? } }       If you don't like my messages, then you're obviously just }       harassing me because I'm a woman. Also, I'm into girl-girl }       action, so if you can send me any pictures or gifs that would be }       good. } }       How do you put sounds onto your web pages? I'm using Visual }       Basic, if it matters. } }       Bill Gates for President! (I was just kidding about Perot.) } }       How can I post messages here? Answer by email because I can't }       read this group. } }       How can I fix my email? Answer here in the newsgroup, because I }       think my email is broken. I asked this last week and I still }       haven't gotten any answers. } }       I'm using Oracle version 7. How do I make a new database? It has }       to have places for zip codes. } }       How can I get a cool anonymous address like g. t. }       <na53711@anon.penet.fi>? } }       Can somebody please send me Windows 95? I think I erased my CD. }       It was an accident. } }       I want to make a new newsgroup to talk about Kurt Cobain. I want }       to call it microsoft.talk.about.kurt.cobain. What do I do now? } }       You people are making Jesus very sad. } }       Last week you told me how to turn off call waiting, but now }       nobody can call me when I'm on the WWW. What did I do wrong? } }       How can I get my own email address? Write to me at }       username@localhost. } }       Quayle for President! Four more years! } }       Does anybody know how to use the DELTREE command? I was fooling }       around with it yesterday, and now my computer won't start, so I'm }       using a friend's.  But it doesn't work on his, either. } } You owe the Oracle a bag of marshmallows and some sharpened sticks.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  What is the $50,000 question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "What do I owe the Oracle?"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Thundering Oracle, I am bowled over by your supreme intellect.  My > slightly furled brow is totally flattened by the mere thought of your > massive dome, the wrinkles on your forehead, and the incredible > Omniscience you wield.  Not to mention that I'm more or less > terrified of your brobdingnagian ZOT. > > What I need is sage advice, and I'm sure I've come to the right place. > My wife has planted herbs in her garden,  There are the usual ones, > parsley (both curly and Italian), sage (more about that later), > several varities of rosemary, and enough thyme to sink my > grandfather's clock.  She has several others as well, and has been > careful to keep the members of the profligate mint family from running > amok as usually happens. > > The trouble is the sage.  I think it's wise to us.  Every time we > prepare a recipe that calls for herbs, I go out to the garden to get > some.  Thyme, no problem, it lies right there and I cut it.  Basil for > pesto?  Yum!  Big fat basil leaves, little tiny ones, all ready for > harvest.  But the sage is never ready.  It is too old, or too greasy > from the tractor, or has some sort of wilt or blight.  The stuff is > supposed to be a hardy evergreen, fer gosh sakes, but instead it seems > to be hardly evergreen.  What are we doing wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The sage is, indeed, wise to you.  Is it no wonder that we call our } wise men "sages" in honour of this most clever plant? } } Sage has been trying to outwit man for years.  It has grown in the } most inhospitable areas of the world to avoid cultivation.  Certain } rare varieties have been known to be toxic if used excessively. } } The problem is that they are, like most intellectualls, poorly } organized.  Other vegetables, such as celery and rutabagas, have } launched incredible (and effective) PR campaigns to convince people of } their bland taste and antisocial side-effects. } } You owe the Oracle a mixed salad, hold the veggies.