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} The Omniaccurate Oracle believes in going directly to the source.
}
} HEY! HEY, PUTZ--er, PRIESTS! QUIT PLAYING MINESWEEPER AND GET IN HERE!
}
} Now I need to call my cousin. Yah? Tell those warbling little angels to
} keep it down for a few, eh? I'm going to put you on the speaker phone.
}
} All right, folks, here's the deal: the supplicant wants to know whether
} being a priest is a blessing or a curse. Yah's gonna run down the
} varieties of each for us, and you just chime in with your experiences.
} Got it? Good.
}
} "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
}
} OK, hold on a sec, let me write this down. Fungaroli's bummed because
} her bosses won't let her yodel on her radio show. Kinzler is whiny
} because you can't get anything stronger than 3.2 in Bloomington.
} Darkmage is pouting because people make fun of his nickname. Is that
} it? OK, go on, Yah.
}
} "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
}
} No, Sewell, mourning for your hairline doesn't count.
}
} "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth."
}
} Next.
}
} "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they
} shall be satisfied."
}
} Next.
}
} No, I am NOT "blowing through them," Panzer. Or should I remind you of
} the pictures you downloaded yesterday, and a few hours of Photoshop
} work that added in two nuns, a gazelle, and a hot tub full of tapioca?
}
} "Blessed are you when men revile you and persecute you and utter all
} kinds of evil against you falsely on my account."
}
} Well, there may be something to that. My queue of "Where do your @#%&*
} priests get their &@#$!* senses of humor?" is still running in the
} triple digits each day.
}
} That wraps up blessings, Yah? OK, how about curses?
}
} Well, there's the monthly one. Only Fungaroli and Wilson have that one
} to worry about. Jeez, this priesthood is kind of a male-heavy club,
} isn't it?
}
} "Cursed be he who misleads a blind man on the road." Quit snickering
} and pointing. If you have something to say, say it.
}
} "Cursed be he who lies with any kind of beast." OK, stop making fun of
} Forbes' date at the last Priests' smoker. She wasn't baa-ing, she had
} asthma.
}
} This is getting nowhere fast. Let me cut right to the point:
}
} You all get to read a bunch of peoples' attempts at being funny?
}
} *nods*
}
} And you glean only ten for every couple of days, and still people only
} give about a third of them more than a lukewarm chuckle?
}
} <Yeah> <Mmm-hmm> <Yup> <Yes>
}
} And they gripe, moan, whine, steam, and grouse, cast aspersions on your
} sense of humor, and then redouble their efforts to show you how it's
} done? Hey! not all at once. I get the picture. Someone wipe the foam
} off of Engelhardt's lips, eh? I think he fainted.
}
} Clearly, being an Internet Oracle Priest isn't a blessing or a curse --
} it's eternal punishment. The only question is, what did you folks do to
} deserve this? Hmmmmm ...
}
} I think I know ...
}
} Show of hands, and no nonsense. How many of you were guilty of spamming
} your friends with every funny or semi-funny note that anyone sent to
} you? You were the ones, the jokelist geysers, the spewers of top-ten
} lists and "Green Eggs and Ham" parodies, weren't you? WEREN'T you?
}
} That's what I thought.
}
} You owe the Oracle, incarnated as D. Srader, a promise to clean up your
} act. Otherwise, we may have an opening here soon.
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![[IO]](https://kinzler.com/picons/db/domains/org/internetoracle/unknown/face.gif){kind=small}
