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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHO IS THE MOST RICHEST MAN IN UNITED STATES OF AMERICA?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Babe, I'd *ZOT* you if your grovel line wasn't there } I'd *ZOT* you if you asked of chucksters covered with hair } I'd *ZOT* you for ALL CAPS, and I'd *ZOT* you for lack of flair } But kid, I can only *ZOT* you once if more than one condition is there! } } Clueless newbies flood the Oracle with requests for n00d g1f5 } And plaintively ask about editing Windows PIFs } Using grammar and style that are anything but spiffs } And spelling and thoughtfulness that almost rival B1FF's } } To each one a *ZOT*, each one will fry } Each one will slowly and painfully die } And ne'er a more beautiful sight met my eye } Than that of burning AOLer flesh, as seen from up on high } } But the cluelessness shows an exponential increase } As if its graph had been moistened with thick woodchuck grease } Multiple offenses flock to queries like Canada geese } Depriving the Oracle of any chance at inner peace } } For you see, I *ZOT* by a simple motto: } "One violation, one *ZOT*!" I always thought, oh } Till the day this fateful message hit my grotto } Driving me to, quickly make myself blotto } } Supplicant, your question is phrased in ALL CAPS! } Without a single grovel, that counts as dual slaps } And its banality and witlessness are worse than "Andy Capp"'s } Three violations. Three *ZOT*s -- the Oracle raps } } But alas! One supplicant can be *ZOT*ted but once } As anyone will realize (except for a newbie dunce) } That one *ZOT* fries a supplicant like a couple of hot cross buns } Making additional *ZOT*ting as futile as legalized assault guns } } This dilemma faces me like a paradox } More bothersome than the thought of woodchucks wielding Glocks } More irritating than this pile of Lisa's dirty socks } Yes, it makes me want to throw myself onto sharp, pointy rocks. } } Yet, an option remains, if fraught } With logical contradictions and  whatnot } If I am not to remain distraught } I must -- *ZOT**ZOT**ZOT**ZOT**ZOT**ZOT**ZOT**ZOT**ZOT**ZOT**ZOT**ZOT* } } P.S. Bill Gates. } } You owe the Oracle absolutely nothing -- the experience of rhyming } "exponential increase" with "woodchuck grease" provided more than } enough bliss to last this incarnation's lifetime.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Depart hence, ye workers of iniquity!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <A dark figure rises from the centre of the cavern. Facing the } interloper in the entrance, it speaks in a sonorous voice...> } -So, you've finally come. I have long awaited this day, and I am } prepared. } <The dark one activates a device in its hand, and a searing red beam of } light springs into existance. The intruder immediately activates a } similar weapon, the only difference being that the beam is an intense } blue, and shouts.> } -Your time is over, evil one! If you will not depart, then you must die! } -We shall see about that.... } <The red beam flashes malevolently as the dark figure leaps high, and } cuts down, only to be met by the other's defense. The fight quickly } becomes a dazzling display of skill from both, apparently equally } matched. Brilliant light coruscates from the beams when they clash, } causing flickering, strange shadows to leap across the cavern walls. } Finally, though, the newcomer begins to emerge as the stronger. The dark } one is on the defensive, his attacks ever weaker. And, inevitably, he } falters at a critical moment. The blue beam cuts deep, and the dark one } falls to the floor. He struggles to rise, but fails, and then speaks.> } -So be it. You have won, and the power is yours. But with the power, } comes a terrible curse! } <He motions the victor to come closer, and rises on one elbowt to speak, } faintly> } -You owe... the Oracle... an eternity of answering... every question } asked of you... no matter... how... inane..... } <The figure falls back onto the floor, and as he does, his robes seem to } collapse in on themselves, until they are all that is left. The } intruder, puzzled, kicks them, then laughs.> } -Old fool. I only want the power of Zot, and the omniscience. I'm not } hanging around in some dumb old cavern. } <The interloper walks over to the desk to claim his spoils, but in the } action of reaching for them glances at the still lit terminal screen.> } (Mumbling)-Why does... mmm ... mbm......hm. Hey, I know the answer to } that. } <Sitting in the comfortable chair, the new oracle begins to type, not } noticing the scrap of paper dislodged from the now empty robes by the } callous kick. Closer inspection would reveal it to be a luggage take, } upon which is written "Orrie & Lisa. Destination: Tahiti.> } <The End, and may the Zot be with you.>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest oracle, whose dic. . . tionary size I am truly envious of - > Please give me the answers that I so desperately seek.  From when and > where did the word "dude" originate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O lowly supplicant, thou hast given the oracle a run for his } drachmae... let me takest a look.... } } ...ring...       ring...    ring... } } Webster: hello? } } Orrie:   Joey? } } Webster: May I ask who is calling? That is, speaking in a loud distinct }          voice so as to be heard at a distance? Getting or trying to }          get into communication by telephone - often used with 'up'? } } Orrie:   This is Orrie, Joey, I have a quick question for ya. } } Webster: You mean an interrogative expression often used to test }          knowledge? an interrogative sentence or clause? A subject or }          aspect in dispute or open for discussion? } } Orrie:   *sigh* ...here we go... } } Webster: ...a subject or point of debate or a proposition to be voted }          on in a meeting? The bringing of such to a vote? The specific }          point at issue... } } Orrie:   JOSEPH WEBSTER!!!!! } } Webster: yes? } } Orrie:   I've got a quick question for you... one of these stupid }          dirt-eaters wants to know when and where the word 'dude' }          originated. } } Webster: originated... to give rise to. to INITIATE. To take or have }          origin... } } Orrie:   CUT THAT OUT DAMMIT! *wipes brow* } } Webster: sorry. } } Orrie:   The definition... } } Webster: a word or phrase expressing the essential nature of a person }          or thing. A statement of the mea... } } Orrie:   Um... } } Webster: ...ning of a word or word group or a sign or symbol. The }          action or process of stating such... } } Orrie:   <BANGS PHONE RECEIVER AGAINST TRIPOD> BAM BAM BAAAMM!!! } } Webster: Ouch. } } Orrie:   <getting annoyed> 'dude'... the... origin... of! } } Webster: ah yes... dude \'d(y)u:d\ \'d(y)u:d-ish\ n [origin unknown] 1: }          a man extremely fastidious in dress and manner : DANDY 2: a }          city man; esp : an easterner in the West - dud.ish aj ... }          Sorry Orrie its unknown! } } Orrie:   Oh well, thanks Joe... } } Webster: Kindly or grateful thoughts. GRATITUDE. An expression of gr... } } Orrie:   <Tosses Phone over side of mountain> } } You owe the oracle: a new phone and a pocket dictionary.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I have lost my free Internet connection and find that I am so > addicted to the Net that I am considering paying for a connection. > This is embarassing, because, aside from AOL users, I know of no one > else who pays for net access.  Do you have any suggestions for your > humble supplicant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Forget the internet. We all know it's just a giant collection of } dweebs, dorks, geeks, losers, etc. You can spend all day mailing } letters to all your friends instead. It's much more fun than the } internet ever was. Here are some suggestions to make your mail fun. } } 10. Encode binary files in them. Then post your extremely thick letter } in someone's tiny mailbox. } } 9. On the outside of the envelope, write "Get rich quick! This is not a } get rich quick scheme!" } } 8. Send a cookie recipe, for which you paid several hundred dollars, to } people. } } 7. Mail your questions to me care of the Indiana University. } } 6. Reply to all your mail with another letter, which contains the } entire original letter, and all you've added is "Me too!" } } 5. Send letter bombs. This can't be done over the internet at all! Not } even if you live in a small wooden shack in the woods and people think } you look like Weird Al Yankovic with dark glasses and hood. } } 4. Send chain letters to everyone. At the top of them, write "Sorry } guys, but I have to do this, otherwise I will have brought misfortune } upon my home! Just like Mrs. Tabatha Brookes did in 1963!" } } 3. Send mail to people in other countries, telling them why your } country and/or race and/or political offiliation and/or operating } system and/or spelling and/or grammar are superior. } } 2. Tell people why their post office is not as cool as your post } office. } } 1. Send enormous parcels that, when opened up, contain a piece of paper } that says, "Test - Ignore." } } P.S. Don't forget to practice your "signature". } } You owe the Oracle a reason why you were able to send me internet email } despite your losing your internet account.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In strictly technical terms, given the lack of amorous preparatory } rituals in the typical barnyard fowl, it turns out that the rooster has } always come first. } } You owe the oracle one chicken finger.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why?  Give me one good reason.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ugh, we're not back to that damn keyboard thing are we?  LOOK!  It got } fixed.  Your 'o' key works great, and your repeat is set to where it } needs.  Do I get a "thank you, Orrie?"  No.  Did I get a "here's the } twelve mail-order brides you wanted Orrie?"  NO!  Did I get a "I've } started building that temple to honor you Orrie?"  NOOO! } } Fine.  You want one good reason? I'll give it to you! } } Reason:  Because if you shave GO CU BUFFS on the cat, it'll trigger an } allergic reaction in your girlfriend, at which time she will start } sneezing and back up into your glass end table, knocking it over and } breaking it.  As you run over to help her, a concerned neighbor in the } apartment next to you will see you walk towards her, and will call the } police to arrest you for domestic abuse, you'll spend 40 hours going to } domestic abuse classes (as in: how to avoid it) and on the way home } from your last day you will be broadsided by an old '71 Torino with a } NEBRASKA bumpersticker on it, and you will DIE. } } How's that for a reason? } } That, however, is not YOUR reason.  That belongs to Phil in Boulder. } } You owe the Oracle a grovel.  Not an "Oh, you're so great, } etc..etc...now on to my question" sort of grovel, but a "Dear Oracle, } whose sweat I am unworthy to wipe up, whose socks I yearn to bind my } own wounds with, whom I would dedicate my life to (after 5pm...I have a } job you know)" sort of grovel.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why isn't this a question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle would suggest you to read "Metamagical Themas", by Douglas } R. Hofstadter, Ch. 1. and 2, about self-referential sentences. But } please do not read this paragraph as if it would be an answer to the } question above, because it isn't one. } } You owe the Oracle some contemplation about where the last 'it' in the } paragraph above refers to. Let me help you a little. It goes without } saying

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can anyone help! > > When using the AmigaDOS command "requestchoice" how do you use the > numbers that are returned to do anything useful???????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is an excellent question!  The usefullness of numbers is often } overlooked.  When AmigaDOS returns a 7, watch for an 11.  If you get } one, it's a sign that you will come into a lot of money.  Or lose a } lot, depending upon which side you're playing. } } In general, any 13 you receive may safely be tossed out, and if your } hardware is made in the Orient, I would recommend you toss out every } 4, as that number bears the stigma of death.  (The words "four" and } "death" are both "shi" in Japanese.  Similar overloading occurs in } Chinese.) } } 5, 6 and 8 are especially robust numbers, and you can put any of them } into storage until bleak times, if need be.  Beware of 3 and its } multiples, especially 9.  They can cause your plants to wither and the } end of your dipstick to corrode. } } You will find 2 and 10 to be your most useful numbers.  10 is the base } of most progress in Western and Eastern Civilisation, but 2 is } catching up more rapidly than many ever had imagined.  Treasure these } numbers, and keep them stored in a cool, dry place.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I would like to know where to find pages on Everclear, Radiohead, > Tripping Daisy, Supergrass or Alternative music in general

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry to tell you your music tastes are a little out of } date, not to mention your use of the term "alternative" to } describe them. Alternative to what? Being given a root canal } in a bath of ethyl alcohol? Getting dragged through a field } of concertina wire behind a truck? Having someone take your } temperature with a meat thermometer in your ear? } } No, my dear Supplicant, the bands you names are most definately } _not_ "alternative," nor will they ever hope to be. Instead, } I'm giving you a list of the truly "alternative" bands, with } the hope that you might educate the teeming hordes of young } people in this world who still think Nirvana is "good music." } } 1) FEEBLE BASTARDS (g.o.p. records, 1923 or so) } }       These guys prove that nothing quite shakes the prune }    juice out of you like a good polka. Amazingly, if you look }    closely at the band picture inside the cover of their }    newest album (called "Young and Idealistic and Full of It"), }    you'll be amazed to find a slightly younger Bob Dole on }    accordion. } } 2) ROADKILL SUPERSTARS (smoosh records, 2023) } }       Out to prove that some things last a really long time }    (like fungus or body odor), this band will rip into your }    senses with all the subtlety of a chainsaw and the grace }    of Gerald Ford. Known for their radical stage shows, }    involving everything from chicken wire to taser guns, these }    guys specialize in covers ranging from early Al Jolson to }    Captain and Tennile. }       Groovy. } } 3) MY MOTHER ATE MY STUDEBAKER (gravpop records, 1993) } }       Okay, okay, so they sound like metal grating against }    other metal (which, not surprisingly), they are. Lead singer }    Rick Steele hefts a mean iron bar clap-hammer, while Eddie }    Tungsten and Bobby McBrass keep time with a rusted Sears }    Craftsman trash can lid and 4 spools of copper wire. }    Percussionist Steven Alloy gives it his all when he's bearing }    down hard on an assortment of aluminum siding, brass fittings, }    platinum kickplates, and grape nuts. } } 4) EXPECTORATE IN A MINDLESSLY INDIGNANT FASHION (loose records, }     2005) } }       A hard working band from New York City, these 5 lads }    originally began life as "Spit Wild." After 2 shows, they }    decided to soften the name to "Spew Crazy," but found }    audiences responded better to the cozier-sounding "Spittle }    Exciting."  A Sony marketing team assigned to the band }    shortly after they changed their name to "Hock a Lugie }    Indecently" decided they should become "Lung Cookie Mindless." }       It was in a dispute with Sony over this name that }    they moved to Elektra, who settled on "The Beatles..." }    spawning a 10 year lawsuit against the group by Michael }    Jackson, Inc. which ended in the court decision which }    returned the group's name to a semblance of its former glory, }    with a little added legalese twist. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the very very rare "Plaid Album."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> there is any help on help of oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, certainly.  Here is the help file for the Oracle help file. } } Using the Oracle Help File } (a helpful guide for first time supplicants) } } Your Internet Oracle helpfile has been handcrafted expecially for you } by skilled Norwegian goat herders.  With proper care and pampering, it } will last you for many years, and may be read again and again, as long } as you observe these simple precautions: } } 1) Read from the top line to the bottom line, starting at the left hand } side of each line, and working your way to the right.  The Oracle will } not be held responsible for stunt readers attempting to read the file } from finish to start or in the mirror. } } 2) The help file is best read from the outside of your computer screen. } Under no circumstances should you attempt to read both sides of the } screen at once. } } 3) Do not attempt to translate the file into Welsh as you read. } Consonants are a protected species and there aren't that many left. } } 4) If part of the file appears to be missing, this could be because } it's too large to fit on your screen at once. } } 5) Never, NEVER attempt to read the Oracle help file whilst your PC is } on fire, whilst wearing wet copper armour in the middle of a } thunderstorm, whilst juggling live woodchucks, or whilst asleep. } } 6) Be careful not to accidentally post the file to every Usenet group } under the title MAKE MONEY FAST. } } 7) Keep the Internet tidy.  Once you have finished with your copy of } the help file, please send it to /dev/null for recycling. } } You owe the Oracle all the consonants from a Welsh dictionary.