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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is Christine thinking at this very moment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's a transcript of Christene's thoughts: } } Oh, where did I leave my hat ...  hat ...  hat ...  oh, there is is on } my bed.  Keys, let's see, right pocket, yes, there they are.  I did get } money yesterday, $60 ought to be plenty-plenty.  Roger has a cute ass } but he chews like a rabbitt.  Diana's much better.  It's snowing } outside.  Where is my red coat?  I could get her a ...  I forgot to put } the chow main away.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will lightening strike me down if I dial a 900 number from my home > phone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not necessarily.  If you happened to dial the Violent Weather hotline at } 1-900-VIO-RAIN, this indeed is a possibility.  However, calling the } Sudden Death hotline at 1-900-RUP-TURE can result in a brain tumor or } perhaps even a heart attack.  Calling 1-800-RUP-TURE results in a mild } contusion, but it's free. } } Other important numbers: } } 1-900-BOV-INES: Makes you grow horns and/or give milk. } 1-900-MAN-ATEE: Makes you very fat very quickly. } 1-900-SQU-ARED: Same as if you had dialed 361-0000 (1900 times 1900). } 1-900-STU-PID:  Will do nothing since it doesn't contain enough numbers }                 to be valid. } 1-900-SIG-MUND: Allows you to listen to a person speaking in German very }                 quickly. } 1-900-BIG-LOUD: A large guy will be sent to your home to tell you not to }                 ever, ever dial that number again. } } Hope this confuses you.  If you need help, hang up and then dial your } Operator. } } You owe the Oracle $1 for the first minute and $.45 for each } additional minute.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just read in the Oracularities about Barbara, the > net.suppleness.goddess.  You didn't say much, though.  So I ask. > > Just as Lisa is extremely sexy in everything she does, so must > Barbara, I assume, be extremely supple in everything she does. > > So what does Barbara do when she: > > * Ties her shoelaces? > > * Brushes her teeth? > > * Papers her walls? > > * Sits in a chair, meditating? > > (Not to mention what Lisa does...  Well, next time...  ;-)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She just does all this things with deep grace and beauty.  Of course, } she can tie her shoelaces by tying her arms together, holding one lace } in each hand, and then untying her arms.  But that is a sort of party } trick -- she doesn't do it all the time.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm seeking enlightenment.  What software should I buy to help me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1.  Sri Fuji Rama's MacMeditation package is a good one for beginners, }     with pulldown menus and superb documentation. } } 2.  Swami Batdhude Vajnananda's MacMoksha is a good system for those }     planning to give away all their belongings and go be hermits. } } 3.  Lotus 1-2-3 is probably the best program for most of that kind of }     mental shit.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, dear Oracle: > > When I receive a question to answer, there is a number in the subject > line.  I thought this was some cind of serial numbering, but the numbers > are not steadily increasing.  So what do the numbers mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear.  I'm afraid you shouldn't be answering questions for the } Oracle.  Every Acolyte of the Oracle is supposed to go through a } training course and have a copy of the Oracle Reference Manual on hand } at all times.  In that manual, on page 12 it explains that these numbers } encode the answer to the question being asked.  Your job is just to } translate the answer into English. } } Your question for example was labelled #Qa15652.  This can be parsed up } as follows: }     # Language of response (#=English, $=French, etc.) }     Q Mood (P=polite, Q=queasy, R=rambling, etc.) }     a Auxiliary mood (a=apologetic, i=insulting, o=obscene, etc.) }     15652 A Godel encoding of the answer.  Obviously, I can't }         include the entire manual here.  Just as an illustration, }         if the Godel number is prime the answer is truthful. } } If you want to become a certified Acolyte of the Oracle, send mail to } the Oracle with "teach me" in the subject line.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle >    Why does my board have a pen and where do I get another?  How's the > weather over there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, your board just has no pen, } and never more it will again, } Until the cuckoo doth begin, }   To ask about the weather. } } A fool upon the board did write } Some verses set in black and white } All using wording recondite }   to ask about the weather. } } Your lady-love upon the board } Her hopes and fears and sorrows poured, } But all of them you had ignored }   to ask about the weather. } } The noble board upon the wall } Has messages from one and all } But you despise it as you call }   to ask about the weather. } } You owe the Oracle a weathermap.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey!  Who cut my head off!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Contrary to common belief, people cannot have their heads cut off } without having at least a small suspicion at to who has done it.  It is } apparent to the Oracle that you are suffering from what is referred to } as spontaneous cranial detachment, known in the vernacular as a 'head } crash.' The only solution is to go to the place you last remember having } your head, and feel around for it.  Detached heads are not known for } their exceptional mobility, and it should not have wandered far.  This } should be done with due haste because of the possibility of brain } leakage.  Of course this is not fatal.  If you find your head somewhat } lacking in brains either due to this mishap or simply as a fact of life, } it is always possible to get a job as in data entry or politics. } } You owe the Oracle one frontal lobe, preferably yours.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I get a magic wand which will turn whatever I touch with it > invisible?  I need to give it to a very strange friend as a Christmas > present.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have a whole box of them here. You may certainly have one. See how it } works? I just wave it over this page of typing, and  t  v nish     th } } } } } } } } } } } } }

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just got a letter in the mail asking me to join "Santa Claus > Anonymous".  What is the significance of this?  I have never had a Santa > Claus habit in my entire life.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're confused.  FantaClaws Nuns Anonymous is the organization for } religious women secretly and illegaly modifying their required dress } (knows as the habit) to costumes of fantastic animals with large claws; } usually this modification is done with religious ecstatic intent.  Santa } Claus Anonymous is a well known pyramid scheme, whereby unsuspecting } children are given anonymous gifts (usually laid to a mythical figure } known as Santa Claus) and then recruited to buy and give gifts to } others, usually by the promise of a great return on their generousity } (e.g., "Little Johnny gave his sister a baby doll and in one week had } received over three thousand GI Joe weapons systems, many of them with } cost overruns").  Once indoctrinated into the Santa Claus pyramid } scheme, most individuals continue to buy and give gifts for the } remainder of their lives, in spite of repeated disappointments and even } in spite of coming to disbelieve in the scheme; the habit seems } impossible to break. } } Santa Claus Anonymous is a small group of courageous victims who never } give gifts, never receive gifts, never deceive children, and who meet } every week to reassure each other that they're doing the right thing } (and incidentally, to reminesce about the days of their captivity, and } the gifts they gave and received).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You are always complaining about getting stupid questions,why don't you > just nuke the jerks sending them to you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What a fabulous idea!  Why didn't I think of that? } } Let's see now...just whip up a few radiation-enhanced small warheads } with an e-mail delivery system...then tag 'em on to a pithy reply... } } HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! } } Huh? } } REMEMBER YOUR JOB, STUPID.  YOU ARE OMNISCIENT, NOT OMNIPOTENT.  THAT'S } MY DOMAIN, IF YOU'LL EXAMINE YOUR PITIFUL EXCUSES FOR RAM. } } Oh, well, gee, immense one, I forgot.  I can't help it!  I do get lots } of stupid questions!  They're driving me crazy! } } I UNDERSTAND.  BUT THE SORT OF REVENGE YOU WERE CONTEMPLATING IS FOR ME } TO INFLICT, NOT AN INSIGNIFICANT MILLIBIT LIKE YOU. } } Aw, gee, could I do just one?  It would set a great example. } } OH, VERY WELL.  BUT ONE AND ONE ONLY.  AND IT HAD BETTER BE A REALLY } STUPID QUESTION, LIKE SOMETHING TO DO WITH FRAYED KNOTS. } } Oh yes, ma'am.  I'll save it for someone so stupid that Lisa would use } them to polish her driveway. } } Now, I'll just sit and wait for the next really stupid question... } } You owe the Oracle a kilogram of supercritical U-238.