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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who is so intelligent and persuasive he could > actually trap the entire Netdom in his "this is not a scam" scam if he > chose, > > Why do people fall for such ridiculous crap as "make money fast" > schemes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to your question is very simple.  People do not have "The } Oracle Fake Scam Detector".  For only $95.99 you too can distinguish } between which are scams and which will truely make you a millionaire. } Reply quickly!  Supplies are limited!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In the bathrooms at work, they have these disposable paper > toilet seat covers.  What is the purpose of these things? > Do people actually believe that garbage about catching AIDS > from toilet seats?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, those are there so the toilet seats won't catch } anything from _YOU_. Toilet seats are a very health-conscious } bunch, you know. } } No, no one really believes you can catch AIDS from a toilet } seat anymore, but there are plenty of things you _can_ catch } from a toilet seat which should provide ample reason for you } to take every precaution necessary. } } 1) GERALDO SYNDROME } } Transmitted by contact with filth, this insidious virus has } the ability to make your reputation spontaneously combust. } It will also break your nose every so often. } } 2) INNER-CITY COMMON COLD } } This horrible variant of the common cold is just like its } very familiar counterpart, with one exception: if your nose } begins to run, the virus will overpower it and beat it } senseless. Under certain circumstances, you might even notice } parts of your body begin to pack weapons. } } 3) ROSSPEROTITIS } } This rather uncontainable bacterium will manifest itself in } humans in a startling way: You'll actually begin to _believe_ } everything you say. Plus, you'll grow huge ears. } } 4) SCOTSMAN'S SHEEPHERDING DISEASE } } Trust us, it's baa-a-a-a-a-a-d. } } You owe the Oracle a box of tissue paper and a bottle of 100- } proof nasal spray.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh compassionate and sagacious Oracle, I need your assistance. > Recently, I witnessed a shameful and disturbing crime against > nature.  I was walking in the country, minding my own business, when > I came upon a man torturing a woodchuck.  This individual (who, > though obviously evil, was strikingly handsome and attractive, > almost god-like) was attacking the unfortunate animal with some kind > of electrical device, which I believe he referred to as his "staff > of ZOT".  When I asked him what he thought he was doing, he pointed > his staff at me threateningly, and made a number of bizarre demands > for "payment", at which point I fled the scene as fast as I could. > I feel certain that the woodchuck in this incident was completely > innocent of any wrongdoing, and undeserving of such cruel treatment. > > Please explain to me, O Exalted Master of mercy and wisdom, why do > bad people happen to good things?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I see your point, but there are several mis-assumptions that you have } made: } } 1) It is neither a crime or shameful (provided your pants are on). } 2) You weren't really minding your own business, now were you? } 3) It was really a marmot. } 4) The only reason it would be unfortunate is that it was born a marmot! } 5) Piezo-electric, actually. } 6) In German, "der Zottenschtik" } 7) If you thought those were bizarre, you need to spend some time in }    Amsterdam } 8) Not innocent, indecent. } 9) Cruel would be making him listen to Ross Perot (the Ferangi }    candidate) } 10)You are incorrect that I^H^H the man was out of line; it was the }    marmot. } } You owe the Oracle a fur lined sink.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, who can burp the entire alphabet in under 15 seconds, > please tel me, > > I know I have to grovel when I ask a question, but what about a > statement? > example: > "Where can I find some dinosaur bones?" > could be > "If you know where I can find some dinosaur bones, tell me where they > are." > > As you can see, I'm making a statement, not asking a question.  I think > I've found a loophole to the whole grovel thing!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What!?  A loophole!!  That can't be!  I had the finest judges money can } buy write up the Oracular Code.  Hold on a second while I find the } relevant part of the Code. } } [Flip, flip, flip] } } Here we are, Oracular Code, Vol. XXIX (Supplicants, Part XX), Section } L (Answering Supplicants), Subsection 29 (Grovel Requirement), } Paragraphs i through iii, to wit: } } i. Grovel Requirement }    The customers ("Supplicants" or "Geeks") of the Grand and Glorious } Internet Oracle ("Oracle") must sufficiently abase themselves in order } to secure the Answer Guarantee (Paragraph iii).  Such abasement must be } expressed in the form of a Grovel (Paragraph ii).  Questions from Geeks } which lack a grovel may or may not be answered by Oracle at his sole } discretion.  The presence of a grovel guarantees an answer only, and } does not provide any guarantees, either express or implied, as to the } quality of said answer (see volumes XL through CXII, Litigation; see } also volume III (Incarnations), Section F (Clueless Incarnations)). } } ii. Grovel }    A self-abasement by a Geek or Geeks ("Grovel") is defined as a } sentence or phrase expressing self-mortification on the part of the } Geek, and aggrandizing Oracle.  Veiled insults in said Grovel make the } entire Grovel null and void, thus voiding the Answer Guarantee. } Expressions of doubt concerning the Oracle's abilities also void said } Guarantee. } } iii. Answer Guarantee }    In any Geek-Oracle question-answer relationship, Oracle guarantees to } said Geek that all questions asked shall be duly answered whenever the } Grovel Requirement is met (see Paragraph i). } } Hmmmmmm..... It appears that the substitution of a statement for a } question is not covered by the Answer Guarantee.  That means I can } answer or not at my discretion, I think.  I'd hate to have litigation } come up over this, though.  I'd have to review all those volumes.  Wait! } Look at Subsection 15! } } Subsection 15: Reverse Jeopardy } } i. Supplicant Questions }    The information submitted to the Oracle ("Question") by the clients } of the Oracle ("Supplicants" or "Geeks") must be phrased in the form of } a question.  Failure to comply with this requirement renders the Oracle- } Geek contract null and void, unless the Geek is Alex Trebek. } } Ha!  It looks like my judges out-loopholed you! } } You owe the Oracle 10 years of service as a target dummy on the Zot Gun } practice range.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, can you teach me some bad words?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes Dear, }       General Fault Detection, Mac, Dot Matrix, Newt, Spam, } Communications Decency Act, GreenDay, 1200 BPS, TCP/IP Error, Not } Enough Memory, 3 Page Long Signature Files, Net Censorship.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh great and wise Oracle, who knows the proof to Fermat's Last > Theorem, please answer... > >       Why is it that, when windows 95 is such an easy interface to use, > it takes some people 45 minutes to figure out how to drag an item > from one window to another?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The fact that some people can't even use a keyboard is whats even } worse.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> /usr/etc/ping

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} PING(8C)                SUPPLICATION COMMANDS             PING(8C) } } NAME }         ping - send ICMP AUTO_SUPPLICATION packets to network hosts } } SYNOPSIS }         /usr/etc/ping host [ timeout ] }         /usr/etc/ping [ -s ] [ -aowz ] host [ packetsize ] [ count ] } } AVAILABILITY }         This program is available on all systems. Unfortunately it }         isn't used often enough. } } DESCRIPTION }         ping uses the enhanced ICMP protocol's optional }         AUTO_SUPPLICATION datagram to attempt not to elicit an ICMP }         AUTO_ZOT from the specified supernatural host. } }         AUTO_SUPPLICATION datagrams, or "grovels," have IP headers }         followed by a structpleasedontzotme, and then an arbitrary }         flattering phrase to pad out the packet. If host responds, }         ping will reduce the user to a heap of smouldering ashes. ping }         is therefore not useful in shell scripts. Otherwise after }         timeout seconds, it will output "no answer from host", and the }         user will be reduced to a heap of smouldering ashes at some }         later time. This time is not specified in the ICMP }         protocol. } }         When the -s flag is specified, ping sends one datagram per }         second, significantly increasing the chance of a }         response. This second form computes round trip times, response }         percentages, hitting probability and average yield per zot (in }         megatons); it displays a summary of this information upon }         termination or timeout. If an optional count is given, ping }         reduces the risk by sending only that number of }         requests. Shortening the packet reduces the probability the }         host will be insulted, but short flattering phrases are }         generally not regarded as sufficient. The default packet size }         is 64, which makes each probability 50%. } }         When using ping for a practical joke, make sure you have }         plenty of time to get to a safe distance. The shell command }         (sleep 1200; ping) should give you enough time to escape }         ground zero. } } OPTIONS }         -a    Don't bother with flattering phrase. Just pad packet }               with packetsize .sigs. } }         -c    Compatibility mode. Operate like UCB ping. } }         -o    Obsolete mode. Use the obsolete AUTO_HUMOUR protocol. By }               now the majority of hosts don't support this. } }         -w    Mention marmots. No warranty is given. } }         -z    Mention ZOTs in a humourous and flattering way. No }               warranty is given. } } SEE ALSO }         zot(8C), humor(8O), tellme(8K), askme(8K) } } BUGS }         The AUTO_ZOT protocol is far too restrictive. Humour is not }         supported on most systems.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How long can CD's contain their data?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends upon many factors. Although a stereo CD normally can contain } up to 74 minutes, these generally offer such low interest rates that } you'd expect them to be much less popular than they are. 90-day to } five-year CDs are quite common, these days. The longest CD that I've } personally seen was just over 12 centimeters across. } } If you have a 30-day CD offering fewer than 300 MB, you may be able to } improve it by outlining it with a green marker pen. Many banks offer } pens with a specially-notched tip just for this purpose; see whether } you can even get one for free. } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as g. t. <na53711@anon.penet.fi>) 180 } days at a CD motel.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> That's pretty amazing!  Nobody at the whole company has either sent > or received e-mail for the last 20 minutes!  I think that's the > first time I've seen that happen during regular work hours.  What's > going on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that's what happens when your company switches to your own } mail-software, Mr. Gates. } } You owe the Oracle a reboot of your mailserver.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> a broken shoelace > a tire swing > a calculus textbook > > What do these things remind you of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scapegoats and muntjacks and cubic equations, } Stopgaps and catflaps and runic evasions, } Plastic explosives from east of Berlin, } These are a few of my favourite things. } } Pustules and earwax and facial ablutions, } Dogtags and hatstands and saline solutions, } Dragonflies robbed of their two pairs of wings, } These are a few of my favourite things--- } } When the spam fills, } When the wood chucks, } When I'm feeling rotten, } I think of a few of my favourite things, } And go and make someone bezotten. } } Chainsaws and mangoes and carnal contortions, } Fish-knives and footsores and minuscule portions, } Eavesdropping neighbours of fictional kings, } These are a few of my favourite things. } } Rain-checks and quart pots and follical potions, } Quicksand and zeitgeist and repressed emotions, } Breaking up all the Smithsonian's Mings, } These are a few of my favourite things--- } } When the air brakes, } When the boils burst, } When I'm feeling ghastly, } I think of a few of my favourite things, } And get very drunk; then I'm not so nasty.