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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the PVCS Configuration Builder such a pain in the > backside to use?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If I'm not mistaken, that's not the place you are supposed to use it.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people spend a fortune on hormones, electrolysis and dangerous > surgery when I can get a Complete Gender Change Kit for $19.95?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Included in your Complete Gender Change Kit: } } 1 pair Large Scissors } 2 bottles rubbing alcohol } 1 "Acme Gland Removal" cranial drill } 1 Tire pump } 30 feet of sanitary gauze } 5 rolls of high-stick tape } 1 woodchuck } } Also included in your "M->F" kit are: }      "Pump-M-Up" epidermal breast inserts }      23 tubes of "Burn-Les" brand hair removal lotion }      1 pair silk panties }      "How to PMS" instruction book } } Also included in your "F->M" kit are: }      "Pump-M-Up" genitalia package. }      11 pounds "EZ Stik" human hair (assorted lengths/colors) }      1 pair all-cotton briefs }      1 all-cotton white T-Shirt (Slightly soiled) }      "How to get the most from your Belch" instruction book } } You owe the Oracle, incarnated as <klinew@leav-emh1.army.mil> $19.95, } plus shipping and handling.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where did those black smudges on my shirt sleeves come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Sir, } } If you examine those smudges very closely you'll notice that they } aren't actually smudges at all.  Rather, they are patches of burnt } fabric.  In fact, as you read this response, you'll note that they have } now spread to your collar. } } Of course, by now you are experiencing the true mind-clearing } enlightenment of a slow motion ZOT.  Perhaps the crispy sounds of } your hair turning to smoke will remind you that supplicants grovel in } front of the Oracle for a reason. } } You owe the Oracle a dry-cleaned shirt and a decent grovel.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most discerning, whose jokes I am unworthy to decode, why > are some Oracularities funny and well-written while others are > simple-minded and uninspired?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You think answers are chosen for the digests on individual merit? Join } the '90s, pal. Nowadays the priesthood are forced to balance each } digest for submissions across a wide band of age, race, gender, sexual } preference, occupation and physical ability. As most of the oracular } incarnations are 17-25 year old white heterosexual male computer geeks, } this can cause difficulties selecting all high-quality answers. There } is a 78 year old disabled black lesbian social worker who's had an } answer in every digest since #712. } } You owe the Oracle a political correctness filter.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, what is it about American culture > that makes them think the epitome of female beauty is > an anorexic figure with small bones and no flesh on them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a trick question. You said "American culture". } } You owe the Oracle an oxymoron.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh dear oracle almighty, > > please enlighten me on this question: > > Why does MS-DOS suck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because if it blew, all the bits would fall off your disk. } } You owe the Oracle a VAX.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I have heard a lot of people (mostly on > alt.binaries.pictures.erotica) grousing about JPEG images > being poorer quality than GIFs.  But I have found the opposite > to be true:  JPEGs are good quality, but GIFs usually have a > very odd appearance - they look like those old paint-by-numbers > pictures.  Why is this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} GIF stands for "Girly-picture Information Format,"  and JPEG stands for } "Juveniles Peering-at Exposed Genitalia."  Although GIF is an older } file format, it is generally regarded as higher quality than JPEG, } since JPEGs are usually pictures from less classy magazines, like } Hustler, High Society, and Swank.  GIFs are usually scans from Playboy } and Penthouse, which are publications that are worth reading for the } reading material, not just for the dirty pictures included in the } middle. } } Now as for why the GIFs don't look as good to you as the JPEGs, I can } only guess that you might have impaired your own vision somehow. } } You owe the Oracle a trip to the eye doctor, before you go blind.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh wonderful Oracle, who is so very big, and vast, and > huge, please do not squash this humble grovelling supplicant > like a bug.  I beg of you, oh large and giant one, please > answer my insignificant question:  What is hell like?  I > work for the government, can it be any worse than this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Many think Hell is a place where they bathe in molten lava and } funny-lookin guys in red suits stick pitchforks in their butts. That } is, however, an exclusive spa outside of Santa Fe. Others think Hell is } like the "Got Milk" commercials, of which the Oracle is very fond. } } However, the truth is that Hell is like using only Microsoft products, } on 8088 machines running at half speed, with 64K of memory, on a fuzzy } amber screen with a blurry spot in the middle and no brightness } control, with no mouse, with a keyboard that has no vowels, on a desk } made of dried, packed asbestos, in a building in Florida in the middle } of summer with no air conditioning, while wearing a wool suit over a } hair shirt made from porcupine quills and woodchuck fur, working on the } revised whitepaper of a proposal for a second comment on the response } to the initiative paper of the advisory committe to the office of the } assistant undersecretary of transportation deal with traffic cone } color, while an intercom system picked up from a New York City Transit } Commission auction blares Kenny G tunes and funny looking guys dressed } in red suits stick pitchforks in your butt. } } In other words, it's *EXACTLY* like working for the government. } } You owe the oracle an Animaniacs Pez dispenser with a cherry refill.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....  Keeps on > going....  What makes it do that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, jeez. Did you just put a Moebius strip in the shredder?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greatest Oracle, who's flatulence I am not worthy to smell, > please answer your humble supplicant's most unworthy questions: > What would it be like if Microsoft made something else, like, > say, Furniture or a tasty meal you can eat from a can?  Would > Macintosh also go into the furniture/food business?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well actually Apple already *is* in the food business.  But don't } tell Bill Gates - he hasn't found out yet.  And if he does, you'll } be seeing advertisements like: } }   Fresh Microsofts - only $1.99/pound.  In the produce section. } } And you wouldn't want that, would you?  I mean, imagine going to a } friend's house for dinner, and finding out he's made microsoft pie } for dessert.  A less appetizing confection is hard to imagine. } } You owe the Oracle a vow of silence.