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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Impotent Oracle, please help me. > > My wife gave me a "Word-a-day" calander for Chrismas last > year, but I lost it real fast.  Now its Octobor and she wants > to quiz me.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your predilection (tendency) for procrastination (putting things off) } has promulgated (made known) a predicament (crisis). } } Prolixity (use of lots of words) is not your forte (area of expertise) } so I propound (suggest) that you inculpate (blame) glossal (lingual or } of the tongue)  juvenescence (transition from infancy to youth). } Temporize (stall). } } Betimes (soon), you will articulate (speak) sesquipedalian (cumbersome } or pedantic, of words - literally 'one and a half feet long') } asseverances (solemn declarations) without braggadocio (empty boasting) } if that isn't an antilogy (contradiction in terms). } } Brachyology (conciseness of speech) will be superannuated (discarded } as too old). } } After she's sat through that little speech, she'll try and forget she } ever brought the subject up. } } You owe the Oracle a new thesaurus. All the pages just fell out of } mine.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most chocholified of the wise, > > Oompah Loompah Loompaty Dooo, I've got another riddle for you, > Oompah Loompah Loompaty Deee, Why are we short and not eating > ice cream? > > --W. Wonka Employees rep.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hoompa Groompa Fintaplee Spools, It's all in the Union Rules, } Hoompa Groompa Biddle-dee Hew, See Chapter 7, Paragraph 2. } } Sinka Pinka Folderol Snakes, Regarding times for Employee Breaks. } Sinka Pinka Balderdash Snore, Ice Cream breaks from 3 to 4, } } Hoodle Poodle Hollywood Greys, And noon to 1 on alternate days, } Hoodle Poodle Tuxedo Gent, Or as specified by manage-ment. } } Finkle Sinkle Barbazon Vet, And here is your Oracular debt, } Finkle Sinkle Suleimon Loins, $100,000 in chocolate coins.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, who has no uncertainty, answer me this: > > Where is it *now* and how fast is it going? > > Haar, got you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (x,y,z) and |v|. } } You owe the Oracle a neutron at rest.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose laundry I would feel blessed to be allowed > to iron, please share with me a tiny bit of your vast knowledge. > > Why is it that whenever my husband is away and there is no one > in the house but me to answer the phone that it always rings *just* > as I sit down on the toilet?  (And on top of that, it's usually > my mother calling!)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because your mother is trying to warn you that your husband left the } seat up. } } You owe the oracle a Bathroom Reader collection.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh eternal fountain of wisdom, > > What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the > afternoon and three legs in the evening?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are two possible answers: } } 1. A human being. The time of day is an analogy for the time of life } and represents crawling, walking, and walking with a cane. This is an } age-old riddle that has remained timeless for thousands of years. } } 2. That fuzzy thing that's crawling up your neck.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniscient being of Oracular might, > > Why do birds suddenly appear- > every time you are near? > > And whose going to pay to clean all this bird waste > off my car?  Huh?  That's what I'd really like to > know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Birds are complex quantum waveforms, that collapse into physical } entities when observed.  Since the tunnelling probability decreases } rapidly with distance, they usually appear very close to the observer. } } Bird waste is actually anti-bird, that forms simultaneously with the } normal-bird, and the two part ways and lead separate existences } afterward.  It obeys many of the same laws as birds, most importantly } the property of appearing wherever you look.  The only known way to } defeat this is to avoid noticing the waste, which is why people who } don't care about their cars usually don't have any on theirs, but } people who do care about their cars have almost completely } waste-covered vehicles. } } As to who pays to clean it up, you really already know the answer to } that. } } You owe the Oracle a bag of cyanide-coated birdseed.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh great and knowledgeable one that knows when I misspell > words and screw up my life... > > If Disney pictures decided to remake a movie about The Three Stooges > who would play the parts and why?  Also, who would play the part of > the butler in the one where the stooges rewire and rework all of the > pipes in that house (i.e. "This house has sho gone crazy!..")  I am > sure that you know which one that I am talking about... > > Thanks! > > Me as "The Supplicant"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, Disney are having an audition for the parts of The Three } Stooges right now and you'd be a shoe-in for a part if you were there } but, where are you? In front of the computer screen once again. You } sure know how to mess up your life you know. } } Of course, the parts will go to Robin Williams, Tom Hanks, and Bimble } Donnington. Robin Williams will be chosen based on his looking far more } convincing in a dress than Dustin Hoffman, Tom Hanks because he always } appears in every movie, and Bimble Donnington because the producers } always have to choose one unknown to demonstrate that they're prepared } to give parts based on talent, not markability. Of course, Bimble } Donnington has no talent, because RW and TH specified in their contract } that no-one capable of showing them up can be signed. The part of the } English butler will go to Hugh Grant because he's the first English } actor that anyone thinks of, and half the population of the world will } turn up to any old rubbish movie with HG playing a butler alongside } Divine Brown as the maid. Signing Liz Hurley as a washerwomen did run } into some small problems however. } } I've got the script in front of me and may I assure you that it's a } rip-roaring (yawn) hilarious romp through ...... Zzzzzzz......

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, your highness, when will there be a DOS 95?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay. } } Take a pencil. } } Write down 'DOS 95' on a piece of paper.  Don't write it too neatly, or } this next bit won't work. } } Turn the piece of paper upside down.  Squint at it. }      Sb SOa } } Now hold turn the piece of paper face down, and hold it up to the }      light: ZP ZOa } } Now turn the piece of paper upside down as well: }      DOZ dZ } } Repeat this procedure at least 300,000 more times. } } None the wiser? } } Good.  Not only are you now ready for DOS 95, but you also don't have } anywhere near as long to wait for it. } } No, that's quite all right.  There's no need to thank me. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of EDLIN for the Sun Ultrasparc.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do teahcers have lives outside of school????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Strange as it may seem, O supplicant, many teacher lead rich and } varied lives outside the classroom.  Some have hobbies, families, } sex...just like regular people.  There are also some who continue } teaching.  Of these, a few have made careers in teaching supplicants } how to grovel before the Oracle and how to spell the word 'teacher' } } You owe the Oracle a chocolate-covered spelling bee

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, whose iced tea smells better than pigs hanging from > a Chinese restaurant, please inform this poor supplicant: > > Know any good restaurants that serve roast chicken?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, no.  Pets are strictly forbidden at almost all restaurants, with } exceptions for assistance animals like seeing eye dogs.  If your roast } chicken is some kind of specially trained animal, you might be able to } get it in the restaurant and hopefully they'd bring you a bowl of water } to keep your chicken happy.  But beyond that, I know of no restaurant } which serves roast chicken. } } You owe the Oracle a bowl of apple-walnut stuffing.