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} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Oh, Oracle, you are so BIG, so absolutely huge, gosh, we're all
} > really impressed down here I can tell you.
} >
} > Forgive me, O Oracle, for this dreadful toadying and barefaced
} > flattery. But you are so strong and, well, just so super.
} >
} > Oh Orrie, please don't zot us,
} > Don't grill or toast your flock.
} > Don't put me on the barbecue,
} > Or summer me in stock,
} > Don't braise or bake or boil me,
} > Or stir-fry me in a wok...
} >
} > Oh, please don't lightly poach me,
} > Or baste me with hot fat,
} > Don't fricassee or roast me,
} > Or boil me in a vat,
} > And please don't stick thy supplicant
} > In a Rotissomat...
} >
} >
} > ... well, now for something completely different, where WAS the
} > fish in the middle of the film?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } I'm an omnipotent being,
} } And have been since before I was born,
} } And the one thing they say about us Gods,
} } Is they'll ask you dumb questions as soon as they're formed...
} }
} } Every question is sacred,
} } Every question is great,
} } If a question is wasted,
} } I get quite irate.
} }
} } Let the supplicants waste theirs,
} } On some silly hogs of ground,
} } I shall make them pay for,
} } Each brain cell that can't be found.
} }
} } Every question is wanted,
} } Every question is good,
} } Every question is needed,
} } In your neighbourhood.
} }
} } Then there are AOL'ers,
} } Who try to waste my time,
} } But I love those who give their
} } Questions in a rhyme.
} }
} } Every question is useful,
} } Every question is fine,
} } I need everybody's!
} } So please get in the line.
} }
} } Though the AOLers ask theirs,
} } O'er mountain, hill and plain,
} } I shall zot them down for
} } Each question that's asked in vain.
} }
} } Yes, every question is sacred.
} } Every question is great.
} } You asked about the fishy fish?
} } Allow me to iterate.
} }
} } My question queue is filling,
} } It's taken all it's got.
} } I shall speed up things for all of us,
} } And dish out another *ZOT*
} }
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Oracle all-knowing,
} >
} > Have come I abroad from recently, and have studied I vocabulary your
} > years many for. Before came I here, was able I get to books any
} > language your in not, but memorized dictionary the.
} >
} > When came I here, did understand still people me not. What am doing
} > I wrong?
} >
} > -- Supplicant your
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Oh, English yours fine is perfectly. Understand you they do, you
} } ignoring are they. Use you must curtasy common. Add you thank and
} } please, me excuse, success more you have. (You screw and you f***
} } successful more New York in.)
} }
} } Oracle you owe of count gotten jokes Yoda supplicants other from.
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Dear Sir,
} >
} > It is a well-researched fact that some people are allergic to
} > religious cults. They develop headaches, unsound addictions,
} > destructive behaviour patterns and other symptoms. We are a charity
} > organization devoted to helping these people find their true selves
} > and recover from problems caused by various cults. We act on a
} > non-religious humanitarian basis of tolerance towards all systems of
} > belief.
} >
} > It has come to our attention that some people have become severely
} > addicted to your personal cult. It is of no concern to us whether
} > you are a real omniscient divine being or a psychopath or both; we
} > only want the best of all parties concerned. Don't you agree that
} > people who have discarded everything else in favour of e-mail
} > conversations with you have gone too far?
} >
} > We are very eager to hear your position and opinions on the matter.
} > Ultimately we are willing to cooperate with your organization on
} > helping people who cannot keep on with your cult and drop out due to
} > social pressures or whatever. And please keep in mind, your
} > contribution would be the best PR you could hope for...
} >
} > Sincerely,
} >
} > Plato Stoolman
} > Chairman of Board
} > Victims of Religions
} > c/o L.R.Hubbard
} > Texas
} > YEE-HAA
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Dear Mr. Stoolman,
} } We thank you for your concern about Oracletics. Naturally, we
} } welcome full and frank discussion of everything we do across the
} } Internet in such newsgroups as alt.religion.oracle, and our World
} } Wide Web pages provide much information. It's not our fault if any
} } intelligent Internet persona, such as yourself, should fall prey to
} } the Great Snarfing Beast What Eats Everyone Who Doesn't Give All
} } Their Money (pre-taxes) To The Oracle.
} }
} } I agree completely that people who have discarded everything else
} } in favour of e-mail conversations with me do need to vary their
} } schedules somewhat. Indeed, allow me to give a sample schedule that
} } I have drawn up for our faithful priest, Zadoc:
} }
} } 02:00 Awaken.
} } 02:00 - 05:00 Answer questions for the Oracle, quietly, so as not to
} } disturb his sleep.
} } 05:00 - 08:00 Cook four-star breakfast for the Oracle.
} } 08:00 - 09:00 Grovel before the Oracle. Be sure to lick every toe
} } clean.
} } 09:00 - 11:00 Beg, borrow, and steal money for the upkeep of the
} } Temple.
} } 11:00 - 13:00 Cook four-star lunch for the Oracle.
} } 13:00 - 15:00 Grovel before the Oracle. This time, clean the red
} } carpet with your tongue. Leave no spots.
} } 15:00 - 17:00 Beg, borrow, and steal money for the upkeep of Lisa.
} } 17:00 - 19:00 Cook five-star dinner for the Oracle.
} } 19:00 - 21:00 Entertain the Oracle with more grovels. This time, use
} } some imagination.
} } 21:00 - 23:59 Pretend to be a telemarketer seeking donations for the
} } Jailer Benevolance Society for the upkeep of the
} } Oracle.
} } 23:59 - 00:00 Lead successful, interesting life.
} } 00:00 Sleep
} }
} } As you can tell, we leave time for even our most faithful members
} } to lead successful, interesting lives.
} }
} } Please note that, unlike other religions which request that you
} } give thanks every time before you eat or drink, Oracletics only
} } requires thanks before a much simpler activity: breathing. Although
} } we accept cash, checks, travellers' checks, and most major credit
} } cards in thanks before every breath, we also accept gold, platinum,
} } and diamonds.
} }
} } I hope you accept this free copy of 'The Oracle: The Modern
} } Response to Mental Health', with my compliments.
} }
} } - Elron Blubber
} }
} } [Imprinted very lightly on the letter -- as if written on the
} } stationery just before it -- are the words:
} }
} } Lisa --
} } This fellow's definitely 1.1. Use plan .44, or at least run Black
} } Method on him. Must be an avatar of Xenu. GET DIRT!
} } -- Source
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Is it true that the U.S. is sinking from the weight of all the
} > National Geographics being saved in the nation's garages and attics?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } The Oracle peered at the question. "Zadoc!" He turned around
} } and called again. "ZADOC!"
} }
} } Zadoc the priest shuffled in. "Oh, yes, He Who Makes Stephen
} } Hawkins Look Like Jim Carrey, how can I help Your Omnivorousness?"
} }
} } The Oracle peered intently at Zadoc, then handed him the question.
} } "What would you do with this?"
} }
} } He shook in his boots. "Oh, Worshipful Oracle. I'm just a humble
} }
} } "WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH THIS?"
} }
} } --" His voice quavered. "Well... if it pleases Your
} } Oracularity... uhmmm... there's no grovel, so... I'd... I'd... zot
} } him?"
} }
} } The Oracle considered. "Overused. Next suggestion?"
} }
} } "Uhmm... I'd... I'd... answer him, saying that the weight of the
} } magazines are offset by the loss of the weight of the trees where
} } they came from?"
} }
} } "THAT'S NOT FUNNY! This is a humor group, Zadoc, not one about
} } real physics!"
} }
} } The priest imitated the San Andreas Fault. "I... I... don't know,
} } your Bovine De-evolence... errr... I mean, Divine Benevolance...
} } errr..."
} }
} } "Find something to make fun of in the question!" He pointed at a
} } word in the question. "Try finding double meanings to everything!
} } Do you not know popular culture and religion? Begone, oh quavering
} } one."
} }
} } As Zadoc fled the room, the Oracle picked up his fountain pen and
} } wrote:
} }
} }
} } Whether or not Fundamentalist Christians believe that everything
} } should be going to Heaven, whether one is 'saved' only affects
} } spiritual weight, not physical weight. A saved magazine weighs the
} } same as a backslidden magazine or one that hasn't received the Lord.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a subscription to the Wittenburg Door.
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