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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most observational and observable Oracle, answer me this (if of > course it comes to your attention): > > My cat claims to be enough of an observer to cause probability function > collapse and that Schrodinger didn't know what he was talking about. > > Can you help clear this up?  I am having trouble accepting the word of > a cat over that of an eminent scientist.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A small "ding" is heard from the newly appointed Oracle Priestess' } computer, and she jerks her head up from her sleep. } } "Huh? Wha...? Oh. Hmm. A cat, eh? Never did trust cats too much myself, } but, what the hey..." The Priestess pushes a button, and the } supplicant's cat appears before her. } } "Miao.. Who are you?" the cat asks disinterestedly, not waiting for a } response before returning to its bathing rituals. } } "A Priestess of the Oracle. I hear you are skeptical of a certain E. } Schrodinger?" } } The cat sniffs airily. "I'm skeptical of *all* humans, but this guy } really takes the catnip." } } The Priestess nods, and ponders for a moment. "Well, there's only one } way to settle this, then." And with that, she picks up the protesting } cat and deposits it in a small steel chamber. "We'll know in an hour } who was right, so just sit tight." Despite the cat's pleading "miaos", } the Priestess closes the lid. } } An hour passes. Using the power of the Oracle, and the excellent } graphics on her computer, the Priestess checks in on Kitty. She finds } that the cat, apparently mistaking the hammer for some sort of toy, had } knocked it into the vial of hydrocyanic acid, which, of course, spelled } an even earlier demise for the cat, who was very definitely dead. The } Priestess nods, and begins an e-mail to the supplicant: } } "Dear Supplicant, } } "They were both wrong. Ultimately, curiosity really did kill the cat. } } "P.S. Sorry about your cat. Have you ever considered adopting a puppy?" } } You owe the Oracle a new flask of hydrocyanic acid.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh cunning and clued-up Oracle, whose secret meetings I am not > worthy to attend, even under an assumed name; > > While browsing through the Vatican's sealed archives the other > day (their tourguides are terribly lax about security) I came > across a file labelled "Excised Verses, Psalms to Revelations". > Intrigued, I opened it up and discovered the following, written > in a shaky hand on a torn piece of goat skin: > > "...And these also shall be blessed; > Blessed are the rich, for they shall be wealthy; > Blessed are the good-looking, for they shall find it easy to get > jobs in Marketing; > Blessed are the Powerful, for they shall attract babes, yea, > even unto truckloads; > But thrice blessed shall be the nerds, for - " > > At that moment I noticed Cardinal Assassini (the Pope's > Punisher, the Cardinal of Carnage, the Bishop of - but you get > the idea) attempting to sneak up on me, so I had to shin up the > heating pipes and make my escape across the rooftops. > > I am currently hiding out, but I have to know - how does it finish?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh suspicious supplicant, }       The Excised verse you ponder is from Psalms 1:36, Verses 12-19. } The complete verse should be as follows: }       Blessed are the rich, for they shall be wealthy; }       Blessed are the good-looking, for they shall find it easy to get } jobs in Marketing; }       Blessed are the Powerful, for they shall attract babes, yea, even } unto truckloads; }       But thrice blessed shall be the Nerds, for they shall truly know } their Lord, God, who shall walk among the mortals, yea, even then shall } the Nerds be the only true worshippers; }       And God, their Lord, shall bestow upon them the USENET:  and God } shall say unto them:  "Go Forth, and Post:  But Spam not and ruin this, } the holiest of holies; for if but one of you Spams upon this, My } USENET, then all shall pay"; }       And Man did Post, and Spam, and God looked, and saw all the evil } in the world;  and God did say:  "My people need a guide; I shall create } one in my fashion, omnipotent and all-powerful"; }       And God did create the Oracle, and there was much rejoicing, for } all Spams were punnished with a Zot.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the e-mail address for technical-assistance for Word Perfect > 6.1 (Windows).  I have a problem that I need to let them know of for > solution. Thank you

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple: The address is: } no.longer.st@e.of.the.art

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear newbie/supplicant, } } If you want to compose e-mail messages on your Apple Newton you have to } use the correct type of pen. Don't worry, felt pen ink is } water-soluble. } } Maybe you should go back to practising with your etch-a-sketch.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH GREAT AND MIGHTY ORACLE I ASK OF YOU TO PLEASE SHARE SOME OF YOUR > BRILLIANCY WITH ME AND TO TELL ME WHAT THE FOLLOWING THINGS ARE: >               MISTAH KURTZ AND "A PENNY FOR THE OLD GUY" > > ALL THAT I KNOW IS THAT ONE OF THEM IS FROM A NOVEL AND THAT ONE OF > THEM HAS TO DO WITH AN ANTI-HERO. > >               THANK YOU MUCH!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stop screaming! I can hear you just fine. Since I'm omniscient, I } already know what you were going to ask anyway, so you don't have to be } so loud. } } Unfortunately for you, there are mysteries mere mortals were not meant } to know, and the meaning of "a penny for the Old Guy" is one. I could } tell you, but your brain would explode. As a consolation however, I can } tell you that poor old T.S. transcribed my answer to his question } wrong... here is the actual poem I gave him as a response to his } supplication "Dear Oracle, how may I torture high school English } students long after my death?" Enjoy! } } The Hollow Men }      Oracle, T. Internet (Immortal) }      as told to T.S. Eliot } }                  MISTAH KURTZ -- HE DEAD. }                       A penny for the Old Guy }                                   I } }      We are the supplicants }      We are the clueless }      Spamming together }      CAPS LOCK STUCK DOWN.  Alas! }      Our silly questions, when }      We mail together }      Are postmodern and meaningless }      As John Travolta's career }      I'd rather eat broken glass }      Than watch him "act" } }      Mail without questions, Answers with the question quoted, }      Paralysing ignorance, questions without wit; } }      Those who have read }      With direct eyes, the Oracle help file }      Pity you--if at all--not as cute }      Helpless newbies, but only }      As the supplicants }      The clueless. } }                                         II } }      Lusers I dare not meet on IRC }      In MUDs' dream kingdoms }      These do not appear: }      There, the flames are }      Scorching a Usenet group }      There, with CAPS LOCK SCREAMING }      Their voices are }      across the network stinging }      More irritating and more uninformed }      Than a Baywatch star. } }      Let me be no nearer }      In MUDs' dream kingdoms }      To the fanboys who wear }      Such deliberate disguises }      Of lesbians, hackers, or K00L D00DZ }      In a newsgroup }      Crossposting as the wind blows, }      No relevance-- } }      Not that Cookie Recipe again! }      That's so old it has hair on it } }                                         III } }      This is the flame war land }      This is spam land }      Here the GET RICH QUICK hopes }      Are raised, here the Oracle receives }      The supplication of computer geeks }      Under the flurorescent lights of the computer lab. } }      Is it like this }      In the real world }      Hacking alone }      At the hour when we are }      Trembling with caffeine }      Lips that have never kissed }      Form prayers to the compiler. } }                                         IV } }      The ideas are not here }      There are no ideas here }      In this newsgroup of flames and spams }      In this unmoderated newsgroup }      This alt.folklore.computers } }      In this last of meeting places }      We grep together }      and avoid the binaries }      Searching for the perfect killfile } }      Dateless, unless }      There's a female engineer }      In their class }      Multifoliate rose }      Who is impressed by Star Trek references }      The hope only }      Of lonely men. } }                                         V } }      Your question goes round the Oracle's queue }      Oracle's queue Oracle's queue }      Your question goes round the Oracle's queue }      Do askme's until it gets empty. } }      Between Canter }      And Siegal }      Between the scientologists }      And the Jehovah's witnesses }      Falls the shadow }                                       For Thine is the Internet } }      Between the woodchuck question }      And the null question }      Between the chicken question }      And the response }      Falls the Shadow }                                       Your questions are very bad } }      Between the GET RICH QUICK }      And the spam }      Between the chain letters }      and the hoaxes }      Between the MAC USERS ARE DUMB AS DOGSH*T }      And the ATARI STs RULE! }      Falls the Shadow }                                       For Thine is the Internet } }      For thine is }      Life is }      For Thine is the } }      This is the way the 'net ends }      This is the way the 'net ends }      This is the way the 'net ends }      Not with a <ZOT> but a whimper.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good heavens. Hold on a second. } } Here, kitty, kitty... nice kitty. A little closer, come on... } MEEEEOWRRRRR! HISS! HISS! SLASH! Give me that!!! MRRRRRRROWWWRR } <ZOT> } } There you go. I guarantee that cat won't even *think* of messing } with your tongue now. } } You owe the Oracle a rubber mouse.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> !Oh hot-wired and succulent Oracle; > >     What may it be that we all shall quest for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wet kisses. Free parking. Non-stifling education. Pick-up baseball } on Sundays. Responsible government. Civil rights. Cherry PEZ. } Brighter colors and whiter whites. Another 8 Meg and bigger hard drive. } Real grass.  A four-day work week. Great taste. A way to look good } without diet or exercise. Fewer guns. More cats. Free haggis for } everyone. The Cubs in the series. Laughs on Saturday Night Live. } Anarchy. B-movies on late-night television. The hidden "water" level } of Marble Madness. Thick, juicy, steaks. Lisa. The perfect garbage } collection alogrithm. Peace in our time.  An edible rice cake. } Justice tempered with mercy. The location of Waldo.  A tall cold } glass of milk. Life. Liberty. Happiness. Skittles. A commercially } viable implementation of Scheme. SCTV reruns. Legitimate theatre } on Broadway. Really salty pretzles. The road to wisdom. The door } to enlightenment. Backstage passes. A readable instruction manual. } Batteries. The right screwdriver for the job. Clean water. The lowest } long distance rates. Civility. Post-it notes that stay up. More sex } on television. Interest-free student loans. Montreal-style bagels. } Comfortable dress shoes. The reason for the turnip. The chance } to sleep in. Food for the hungry. Rocket packs, picture phones } and electric cars.  A uniquely American architecture. Solar power. } Cold fusion. The admiration of our colleagues and friends. Cuteness. } Perspicacity. A witty response from every incarnation of the Oracle. } Wings and/or gills. Love. Fun. Sex.  Chocolate. } } You owe the Oracle one of each.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O Wondrous Oracle, that knowest all >      I am the lowliest of them all, >      but couldst thou answer for me, please... >      Whyfore must I close my eyes when I sneeze?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O Humble Supplicant, do not fret, } For you will have your answer yet, } But talking of your noisy sneezes } Don't forget they spread diseases. } } So put this question to yourself, } (I assume you are in perfect health), } What do others do when sneezing, } Coughing, picking noses, wheezing? } } You put your hand over your nose, } Otherwise the sneeze just blows, } Over every other person, } And that just leaves them angry, cursing! } } So, on your hand the sneeze, it bounces, } Several slimey fluid ounces, } And it will bounce back in your face, } Makes a mess all o'er the place. } } So, to protect your precious eyes, } Now this may come as no surprise, } Your little tiny eyelids close, } Against the contents of your nose. } } So, there you have it - your reply, } I hope it leaves you high and dry, } For helping you resolve these issues, } You owe the oracle a box of tissues.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, Who's underarm I am not worthy to smell, >       Please bestow upon me a litlle of your genius and tell me, why am > I always tired ??? > > Your humble supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was your 96 hour non-stop campaign just before the election. } } You owe the Oracle a good long hibernation.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wise and wonderful Oracle, answer, I beg my question.  I ask > you because most certainly nobody else can: > > What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well at first Tooth Fairy Inc. did very little with the teeth. Mostly } they would use the teeth to fill in some holes and the profit margin } was minimal.  This all changed when Fairy Tale Industries and their } CEO Cole Gate bought out Tooth Fairy Inc. in a leveraged buyout.  Mr. } Gate had the stroke of genius of taking the teeth and using them for } calcium supplements.  Now anyone who buys calcium supplements will tell } you that there is some serious money to be had in nutritional aids. } This is particularly true when you are just passing out a few quarters } here and there and are getting $6.98 a bottle for your product. } } This arrangement worked nicely until in the early seventies the Mafia } got into the act.  Lead by Jimmy "The Tooth" DeKay they muscled Fairy } Tale out of the business.  To make matters worse they threatened } parents with a "an ache that won't stop" if they didn't pay the kids } the quarter themselves.  Now the Mafia had managed to acquire the } product for free and still could making a killing off the supplements. } This all worked well until the famed prosecutor Calvin Edward Tee } attacked the Mafia.  Cav. E. Tee took the rotten Tooth off the streets } and the Mafia's brush with the law took made them toothless. } } Which of course lead to the Colombian drug lords taking over. } Under the leadership of Mo Lar the Colombians found a better way } of making money with teeth.  Instead of calcium supplements, they } would grind the teeth and mix it with the cocaine that they were } shipping around the world.  When you are getting $70 an ounce for } something, I think you can comprehend the value of a singular tooth. } This all ended in 1991 in the famous "Armed to the Teeth" scandal } where American teeth were being shipped to Columbia in exchange for } money which purchased arms which went to the Middle East. } } Since 1991 the common wisdom on teeth is that the US government } collects the teeth and holds them in a restricted area in the Nevada } desert to sap aliens of their strength. } } You owe the Oracle an estimate on how many the chickens the Easter } Bunny has.