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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderful Oracle, in whos feculance I am unworthy to wallow, > please answer your wretched supplicant's most humble question: > If its tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So long as you have a valid tourist-hunting license, o Supplicant, } there is no reason that you can't shoot 'em.  Of course, the laws in } some locales vary...and I see that YOUR particular town prohibits } hunting w/projectile weapons in populated areas (a reasonable safety } precaution, actually). } } You owe the Oracle a tourist-skin jacket.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Theres this guy down the street.  He has a MC-202, 2 SH-101s, a digital > FX box, and a 4 track portastudio, and he's coming up with some of the > coolest electronica a la Jean Michel Jarre I've ever heard.  Why did I > buy all this crap gear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have been cursed by Olufsen, God of Audio Equipment. In a } past life, you were Roland Moogson, itinerant instrument maker, } and you made a mandolin so sublime that you claimed it was } better than those of the gods themselves. This is never a good } idea, as many throughout history will testify, and Olufsen } punished you for your hubris by dropping a harpsichord on you. } } But this wasn't enough; and so he punished you by ensuring } that your next ten reincarnations would not only be incapable } of _making_ instruments, but would also be unable to buy any } decent audio equipment. This explains your 8-track cartridge } system, the stylophone and the Bontempi. } } But, cheer up! This is the last incarnation under the curse. In } your next life, you will design the ultimate instrument capable } of converting brainwaves into a full orchestra sound. Just } remember not to go on about how good it is. } } You owe the Oracle some betamax videos and a laserdisc. Truly } the gods are fickle.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This fall, I ended a three-year relationship with a man who for the > past year did nothing but take me on That Great Train Ride through > Disfunction Junction.  And so I ask, what *do* men want, anyway???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A three-foot high woman with handles for ears and a head flat enough to } rest a beer can upon. } } It's an old joke, but sadly accurate.  Men are shallow; women joke } about this, men admit to this, but no one wants to believe it. } } If you want commitment, get a dog.  For those things for which dogs } aren't appropriate, battery-operated appliances will do. } } For betraying his gender, you owe the Oracle sanctuary.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there any more rain or snow coming any time soon, Oracle? > Last week wasn't much fun.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I sympathize, Bill.  Your high-technology fun DOES get disrupted when } all the power lines are buried under several feet of snow and fallen } trees. But don't worry, Puget Power is on the case. } } And just think, only $20 million more until you finish your house! } } You owe the Oracle one honkin' big generator.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who knows all and tells most, why do people blame a deity for > their own stupidity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} God only knows.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       How much fish could a fishchuck chuck if a fishchuck could chuck > fish (and indeed, existed)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} About a cod an hour.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and all-purpose Oracle, being of sound mind and body: what > happens when a cemetery runs out of space?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Landfill manager's answer: No problem. Turn it in to a park. } } Programmer's answer: No problem. malloc() another 10K. } } EMACS programmer's answer: No problem. malloc() another megabyte! } } Flight Attendant's answer: No problem. Would you like this } complimentary packet of peanuts? } } Astronaut's answer: No problem. Space is infinite! } } Physician's answer: No problem. And stop blaming me! } } Politician's answer: No problem. We'll form a task force to look into } the situation and report to sub-committee in eight to twelve months. } } Telephone operator's answer: No problem. Try again in a few minutes. } } Police officer's answer: No problem. Nothing to see here. Move along. } } Martha Stewart's answer: No problem. Do you see this lovely embroidered } tombstone cozy I've made? It's certain to make the old boneyard a } warmer place. } } Ross Perot's answer: No problem. I'll buy it for $120,000. } } Supermodel's answer: No problem. I didn't understand the question. } } You owe the Oracle a little Lebensraum.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most sagacious, > > What's the story on those new Energizer battery commercials where a > few chaps are out looking for that damn rabbit but instead have a > mistaken sighting and are heard to utter, "It's only a woodchuck"? > Is someone just trying to tee you off? > > A concerned supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *SIGH* } } Why are these Woodchuck questions still going, and going, and going? } } You owe the Oracle the head of the Energizer bunny.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great wise Oracle why must we be suspicious of all politicians and > men in yellow rain coats?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't ASK questions like that.... } } Don't you know they're out there... Watching... Listening.... } WAITING!!!! } } They have access to every computer system in the world so even this } transmission is being bugged... } } Run, run while you can!! } } They will catch you in the end, but every minute you're free is a } bonus.... } } And hurry, they're pu%$ &^*) } } [connection closed by foreign host]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, liturgically literate, libaciously libidinous -- > > I've heard people talk about 'poetic licence'. Where > can I get one, too???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First you have to apply for form PL1034A321 with form PL1034B312. } } You can get form PL1034B312 from your nearest post office, or send off } for it by writing to Poetic Licence Board }                  PO BOX PL103 }                  John'O'Groats }                  Scotland } } Enclosing $400 or 100 Pounds Sterling. } In Cash. } } After filling in the form, which requires 3 recent photos of you and 4 } pieces of poetry written by you (which must be verified by 5 } unconnected lawyers and one librarian.) } } After waiting for about 2 months, you *SHOULD* receive form PL1034A321, } which should be filled out in triplicate by a one eyed author called } Brian. } } Once this has been filled in, your poetry will be graded, and the grade } will be included on your licence. } } You will only be able to use the licence for that SPECIFIC grade, } unless you require an extention, in which case you need form } PL104D653/EXT1. } } You owe the Oracle completed forms OR432Q23 and OR5492Z334 in order for } him to answer your next question.