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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that I can only talk to women when I have $1,000,000 worth of > computer hardware to mediate our conversations?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Better user-interface.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I believe in You when I don't believe in Santa Clause!  Or the > Easter Bunny!  Or the Tooth Fairy!  Or anything else!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ever send mail to santa@rudolph.npole.geo? } }    I answer *my* mail. } } You owe the Oracle a miniature sleigh.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who put the bop in the bop-she-bop-do-wop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The first bop is of the neuter variety, having not yet chosen its sex. } The second bop is of course a female bop, as can be determined by the } use of the "she-" prefix.  Current scientific speculation is that the } pair is currently searching for a third bop of the male gender, thus } leading to the triplet "bop-she-bop-he-bop-do-wop", at which point the } appropriate number of bops will be present and they can "do wop" - an } activity roughly approximating that among sexually active human beings. } At this point of course, a "bop-do-wop" would be produced and after } combining with appropriate bops from the results of other wops the cycle } would repeat. } } See also:  Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, don't you have anything better to do than sit around answering > questions all day?  Goddess, the answers are coming within minutes! > Don't you have family to visit or something?  Xmas toys to break?  A Mr > or Mrs Oracle to entertain?  Hmmmm???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Mrs.  Oracle...  MRS.  ORACLE!  Great Goddess, I forgot about the } wife!  I, the great Oracle, will have to answer your question in the } true depth it deserves at a later time.  I missed the Solstice with the } wife... } }     (...I don't think she's ever going to forgive me THIS time...)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I sending this letter to you?  You should know the answer, you > are indeed THE Oracle......

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, actually, I'm not.  THE Oracle is away for the holidays, and I'm } just the janitor.  I usually answer the questions pretty well, at least } the Oracle thinks so, but I can't handle them all, especially the ones } that presume omniscience.  However, I've had a lot of practice at this } stuff (once the great Oracle discovered how good a substitute I was, the } Oracle's vacation schedule lengthened considerably, the lazy bum), so } I'll give it the old college try: } } Call her up this minute and tell her you're sorry.  You are an absolute } fool if you think you can get away with being such an inconsiderate } louse.  Seriously consider sensitivity training or reading a few } feminist textbooks so you'll understand why she thinks you are such a } pig. } } You owe the Oracle's janitor ten cases of paper towels, industrial } strength.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why do the plum consulting jobs appear the very week after i take a > regular job?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Student: I want a plum, but I only have an apple. }       Keido:   Then let go of the plum. }       Student: How can I do that? }       Keido:   Take a bite of the apple. } } Desires are inexhaustible; I vow to put an end to them. } -------

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many Usenet Oracles does it take to change a light bulb?  And does > this have anything to do with enlightenment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Six. } } One to complain about it being a meaningless question. } One to ask that the lightbulb be changed. } One to make a strange comment about Lisa screwing lightbulbs. } One to telnet to Hell and get all kinds of shit from their Division of }    Light Bulbs. } One to write a stupid little poem about it. } One to detoxify the Martian molasses reference books. } } } This has the very much to do with enlightenment.  As the Good Book says, } "When you're feeling something special, make a call to someone to share } your thoughts." Or perhaps it is "When you're feeling something special } about someone, make a call to share your thoughts." Or maybe it was } "When you're feeling someone special, make a call to something to share } your thoughts." Or "When you thought you were feeling someone special, } make a call to George Bush to share your political ambitions." I don't } really care. } } You owe the Oracle a new 124.32764-Watt lightbulb and a free hour on } MCI.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest of the wise, > Please answer me this: > >       Why is IBM often referred to as 'Big Blue' ? > > when they really should be > >       'Big, Bad, and Ugly?'

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unknown to most mortals (but blatantly obvious to omniscient Oracles), } `Big Blue' was not originally IBM's nickname.  Like many men through the } ages, Thomas Watson treated his sexual organ as a separate entity - even } to the point of secretly naming it. } } This secret was kept for twenty years until a jilted stenographer } spilled the beans to the typing pool at the annual Christmas party.  The } legend of `Big Blue' quickly spread throughout the company.  Customers } and suppliers began to hear phrases like `Big Blue is angry today' and } the rest is history. } } You owe the Oracle either a copy of `Oxford's Dictionary of Etymology' } or `Grey's Anatomy'.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is the woman of my dreams hiding???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She's hiding on Level 48, in a maze of twisty little passages, all } alike, surrounded by all kinds of monsters. } } The 9 in the center room is the woman of your dreams.  You are a } computer nerd and can't possibly aspire to a 10. } } +------------------------+ } |   -   -333- - -    -   | } | ----- -3--- - - ------ | } | -  $-T-^- l -U- -    - | } | - --- - -'--- - ----$- | } | -     - - -   -      - | } | -----$- ---{{{{{{ ---- | } |  s    -   H{----{    - | } | ---------- {-d9-{ ---- | } | -   /   ^- {----{ - L  | } | -------- -D{{{{{{ ----)| } | -    $ N -   e-  P   - | } | -------- ------ ------ | } |    -Y    -    ' -'  <  | } +------------------------+ } } You owe the Oracle a high-score at NetHack.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just heard a news flash on UPI that said that the Oracle was spotted > on vacation in Aruba with Lisa and Diane and Barbara, gambling and > drinking and throwing (1) up, (2) darts, and (3) coins at poor natives > who have to catch them between their teeth to buy barely enough > poor-quality rice to feed their huge families.  Is this true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To exist is one thing, to be percieved is another. } } The Oracle requires that you leave one yak.