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} 101 Uses for Year-Old Tuna
} by The Internet Oracle
}
} 1. Kindergarten art projects.
} 2. Extract the mercury, make a tiny thermometer.
} 3. A newsgroup: alt.year-old-tuna
} 4. Your cats will love it!
} 5. Go-cart wheels.
} 6. Makes a good core to wind old bits of string around.
} 7. Glue a can onto the ceiling of the Astrodome.
} 8. Stack up 87 cases, call it art, make Christo jealous.
} 9. Feed it to Windows 95 programmers. They'll never notice.
} 10. Beads on a giant abacus.
} 11. Fish oil is flammable. Make candles. Your cats will love it!
} 12. Rent a helicopter and drop year-old tuna on your enemies.
} 13. Skeet shooting.
} 14. Sneak it back onto your grocer's shelves.
} 15. It's fun to watch cans roll down steep hills.
} 16. Leave one can every day in the library book drop.
} 17. Spray paint the cans with fun colors and play shuffleboard.
} 18. See whether Dr. Kevorkian can use them.
} 19. Melt them to get the metal. This will make an odor. (Get it?)
} 20. Aw, c'mon. That's a three-way pun. Give it another chance.
} 21. Use them in a commando raid upon your neighbors' houses.
} 22. Visit Mount Rushmore and hide the cans in Teddy's nose.
} 23. Keep the tuna for fifty years, then call it an antique.
} 24. Makes a great hockey puck.
} 25. Paint a can blue, leave it on your coffee table.
} 26. Leave the cans in your toilet tank to conserve water.
} 27. Get Newt to accept year-old tuna as a donation.
} 28. Rub year-old tuna upon your torso. Your cats will love it!
} 29. Keep a can in your trunk for emergencies.
} 30. Mail it to your friends in Iceland.
} 31. Give a can to your ex. Laugh maniacally and take it back.
} 32. Drop it in the bay, then place a lost and found ad.
} 33. Make bar bets that you can fit a whole can in your mouth.
} 34. Pass electricity through it until it glows.
} 35. Leave a can in a new car during a test drive.
} 36. Use cans as percussion instruments in your band, "Outer Tuna".
} 37. 'Year-old tuna' anagrams to 'Yoda Renault'.
} 38. Paint a symbol on a can and sell it as a new-age power-token.
} 39. Make year-old tuna sandwiches.
} 40. Build a radio inside the can. Call it the "Tuna-tin 2".
} 41. Makes a fun hat. Your cats will love it!
} 42. Good for making dolphins upset. ("So long!")
} 43. Good for making dolphin-lovers upset.
} 44. Make the Secret Service nervous. Give it to Socks Clinton.
} 45. Take a can to church, ask that it be blessed.
} 46. Make two cans into "tuna goggles".
} 47. With enough postage, you can mail a can without a box.
} 48. Hide three cans under your car seat, confess it at Customs.
} 49. Calculate how many cans could fill Lake Erie.
} 50. Return a can to the video store.
} 51. Give year-old tuna to your sweetheart on Valentine's Day.
} 52. Use an empty can as a rain gauge.
} 53. Ballast.
} 54. Meditate upon the bar code.
} 55. Polish the lid until you can see yourself in it.
} 56. Microwave it until it explodes.
} 57. Build a tiny city inside the can. Intimidate the inhabitants.
} 58. Use fish oil in your metronome. Your cats will love it!
} 59. Leave a can to your nephew in your will.
} 60. Paint the cans bright orange. Claim they were left by aliens.
} 61. String them into a necklace.
} 62. Cast its star chart, find out whether it's a Pisces.
} 63. Rub it on your car. Your cats will love it!
} 64. Ask a taxidermist to mount it.
} 65. Hide cans instead of eggs for Easter.
} 66. 6-1/8 ounce shot put.
} 67. Wait a while, get it into the Guinness Book of World Records.
} 68. Paint the cans red and black. Use them as checkers.
} 69. Invent a time machine, and send the tuna to the dinosaurs.
} 70. File the cans under F for fish.
} 71. Decode the numbers stamped into the can. (Hint: 3=R.)
} 72. Recycle each can into five bracelets.
} 73. Make year-old tuna melt. It's not a bad as it sounds.
} 74. C'mon. Don't knock it if you haven't tried it.
} 75. Through a small hole, clean the can and build a watch inside.
} 76. Use it in the laundry. Your cats will love it!
} 77. Paint the cans yellow, call them "Solar Tuna".
} 78. Give a can to your date. Ask for a kiss in return.
} 79. Drop it from the third-floor, shouting "It's raining tuna!"
} 80. Name the cans "George," "Jerry," "Elaine," and "Kramer."
} 81. If you have a fifth can, call it "Newman."
} 82. Make a year-old tuna screen saver.
} 83. Use the cans for bodybuilding. Pump tuna.
} 84. Pray to Charlie Tuna. Sacrifice your tuna to him.
} 85. Use the labels as a mod headband.
} 86. Carry a can wherever you go. Don't explain, don't apologize.
} 87. Hammer the cans flat, re-roof your home.
} 88. Give it out on Halloween. Call it "Tuna from the Crypt."
} 89. Decorate the cans with glitter, make Martha Stuart jealous.
} 90. Use the cans to plumb Crater Lake.
} 91. Ask your favorite sushi chef to make it into dinner.
} 92. Put it in a pyramid, wait 4000 years, see if it's fresh.
} 93. Rub it on your furnace filters. Your cats will love it!
} 94. Leave a can at your photo shop for developing.
} 95. Put a parachute onto each can. Drop them over Bermuda.
} 96. Shake a can to hear a fun squishy sound.
} 97. Put a can in your piano. Call it your "piano tuna."
} 98. Send year-old tuna to Internet spammers.
} 99. Start the new craze: year-old tuna-flavored espresso.
} 100. Invent a tuna-disk drive and make a fortune.
} 101. Make a replica of the "Venus de Milo." Your cats will love it!
}
} You owe the Oracle a year's supply of sushi.
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