Goto:

885, 885-01, 885-02, 885-03, 885-04, 885-05, 885-06, 885-07, 885-08, 885-09, 885-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and all knowing oracle, please tell me something about Star > Wars that I have been wondering for at least 15 years. > > In the original movie was princess Lea truely interested in getting > with Hans Solo, or Luke Skywalker?  This is before she knew that Luke > was her brother.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have come to the right place my mortal friend.  Bask in the } Oracle's knowledge of starwars (in the allknowing Oracle's opinion the } best movie ever made) } } The truth is Leia had a crush on neither Han or young Skywalker but } there was another. } Leia's true lover can be found in the rare footage of the directors cut } of Star Wars where the princess takes Han up on his offer of kissing a } Wookie and takes it a few steps farther, if you catch the Oracle's } drift.  Look for this footage in the adult film section of your local } video or porn shop. } } Bring me young Skywalker

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and Trek-wise Oracle, who can recalibrate quantum injectors > blindfold, > > The Federation is in the Alpha Quadrant, the Dominion is in the Gamma > Quadrant and we've seen a fair bit of the Delta Quadrant through > Voyager (and weren't the Borg from there?). > > What's in the Beta Quadrant? And why doesn't anyone go there, or ever > mention it? > > Those might be the same question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ultimately, it was a marketing failure, and in the consumer market, it } lost out to the VHS Quadrant. } } You owe the Oracle a rimshot.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O immortal one, whose memory is an archive of past, present, *and* > future, answer me this wondrous Oracle. > > Is it live, or is it Memorex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The following is a relatively accurate test for determining whether a } given item is live or memorex. } } 1.  The acid test.  Pour liquid acid of Ph 3 on the test object. }     Check your results below. } }      a.  Screams = not Memorex }      b.  Burns/ ignites = possibly Memorex. }      c.  Explosion = base.  Do Not Mix Acids with a Base, oh singed }          supplicant! } } 2.  The scissors test.  Try cutting the test object with a pair of }     sharp scissors.  Do not run, you might put somebody's eye out. }     Check your results below. } }      a.  Screams = not Memorex. }      b.  Screams + scissors have blood on them =definitely not Memorex }      c.  Confetti = probably Memorex. }      d.  Scissors break = not Memorex.  Possibly a rock. } } 3.  The Blowtorch test.  Ignite a blowtorch.  Move it slowly towards }     the test object.  Check your results below. } }      a.  Runs away screaming = not Memorex. }      b.  Curls at the edges = either Memorex OR a hedgehog OR a bad }          hair day. }      c.  glows = something metal.  Not Memorex, but may be your PC. }      d.  melts = your PC. } } 4.  The poke test.  Poke the test object several times.  Check your }     results below. } }      a.  "Ow, quit it!" = not Memorex. }      b.  no results = may be Memorex. } } As you can see from these tests, there is no foolproof way to } determine whether an item is memorex, but there are some solid } methods of determining whether an object is alive (and, therefore, } Not Memorex.) } } You owe the oracle more toner.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam > possit materiari?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh Latin is so cute. } } Dear Supplicant, your query is being returned because: } } [x] Grovel no inconsequenti } [x] Marmota non specifico - American or European } [x] No comprendo el Latino - though if a woodchuck could chuck wood.. } } You owe the Oracle a tonsorial operation.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle whose answers are always straight as an arrow, help me. > > When I am playing golf, my drives frequently slice to the right.  What > should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If your drives are exhibiting abnormal behavior when you're playing } golf, the answer may lie in what your drives are doing when you're } NOT playing golf. } } A golf drive is a notoriously lazy thing.  Generally, when they're } not engaged in a game of golf, they tend to lay about not doing } much, although a few exceptional drives have been able to secure } part-time work during the baseball season.  Once they've passed the } prime of their careers, many drives will take up work as chip shots, } and usually finish their careers as physically less taxing putts. } } In any event, when a drive slices, invariably it will slice to } the right, unless you're left-handed, in which case they'll slice } to the left and hook to the right.  I know it seems restrictive, } but chances are slim that the rules regarding drive behavior will } be relaxed any time soon.  Recent efforts to organize drives into a } labor union were fruitless. } } What should you do?  In general, try to be more kind and forgiving. } Signal before all turns.  Set aside a certain amount of spare time } for community work.  Close cover before striking.  Squeeze the tube } at the base, and work your way up.  And where golf is concerned, } try aiming a little more to the left. } } You owe the Oracle a new set of Tiger woods.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did OJ do it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Evidently.  He's got children.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mysterous Oracle.  In your vast and Timeless wisdom do > I appeal.  Answer this request from your most humble and unworthy > supplicant.  Grace now this reach that I am with your clarity of > vision so that I may aspire to greatness. > > Please oh Ancient Oracle tell me why people always have to credit > aliens or magic, to mankinds greatest accomplishments?  Why can't > mankind just be extrodinary? Why is it so impossible to believe > mankind doesn't need the help of alien races or magic beings? > > Thank you for your consideration Great Oracle.  I hope my quandry is > not to foolish.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your quandary is foolish indeed, oh supplicant. The idea that mere } mortals could be capable of extraordinary feats without assistance is } simply ridiculous. Human civilization has gotten where it is solely } through the help of friendly little green men from, er, Alpha Centauri, } and of mystical beings (such as, ahem, oracles). } } Without help from little green men, magicians, and oracles (especially } oracles), humans would be little better off than apes. They would go } naked (this would only be fun in summer, since central heating would } never have been invented), and they would be defenseless against the } local saber-toothed tigers (of course you, don't see these around that } often anymore, but back in my day they were a dime a dozen). The human } vocabulary would consist of the word "hungry" and a few assorted } grunts. None of the inventions that make human life what it is would } exist. } } Of course, we supernatural beings can only claim the good inventions; } you mortals came up with the bad ones (war, politics, Microsoft } Windows) yourselves. } } You owe the oracle fire, the wheel, and the ancient Phoenician } alphabet.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To:   Internet Oracle > From: Microsoft Lawyers, Inc. > > Sir: > >      It has come to our attention that you still continue to > spread wild speculations and outright falsehoods regarding one > Bill Gates. > >      As you well know, at no time has Mr. Gates been involved > in midnight cauldron-stirring events, world domination plans > or intentional bug^H^H^H^H unexpected feature introduction. > >      Since you have already been warned in the past, you must > now cease this behavior immediately.  Continued actions on your > part will result in the largest legal onslaught in history. > >      Your latest response, consisting of qouting our entire > correspondence followed by the line 'Huh?', does not fool us. > >      We are quite aware of who you are and what you have been > up to.  We trust you would like to keep some of the more, uh, > intimate details out of the courts of law. > >      You still have 24 hours to respond before actions commence.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To:  Microsoft Lawyers, Inc. } From: Azathoth, Nyarlathotep and Hastur, Elder Attorneys. } } Sirs: } } Our associate, The Internet Oracle, has brought to our attention } your recent threat of legal action against the aforementioned } entity. We feel you should be aware that in the event of any } litigation issued against a fellow Undying One, a counter-suit } will be launched against Microsoft by the Many-Angled Ones. } } This counter-suit will claim that Windows '95, and indeed all } of the Microsoft range of products, infringe on the "look-and-feel" } of the Elder Gods, for the following reasons: } } o   Windows '95 is a crawling abomination from the darkest }     pits of Hell; } } o   No man can be in it's presence for too long without being }     driven into gibbering insanity; } } o   A cult who worship it exist in secret amongst the mortal }     herd; } } o   Those who associate with it for too long develop common }     physical characteristics, to wit: pale, clammy skin, bulging }     eyes, generally unkempt physical appearance, tendency }     towards nocturnal living, change in diet to that which normal }     men do not eat (in your case tacos, burgers and Jolt Coke; }     in ours, human flesh, Fungi of Yuggoth and the blood of Alien }     Gods); } } o   The Microsoft range of products seek to utterly dominate }     the world, and force all who dwell their to live in eternal }     damnation. } } As you can see, our case is very strong, especially when } you consider that most judges prefer not to have chittering } things with tentacles for faces scoop out their brains and } eat them. } } We hope that you will consider these points carefully before } commencing any actions, since it is not our intention to have } your senior partners spend the rest of their mercifully short } lives under heavy sedation in a maximum security psychiatric } hospital. After all, it was the Lords of the Outer Planes who } gave humanity lawyers in the first place. } } Respectfully yours, } } <unidentifiable squiggle in some sort of ichor> } } pp. J. Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> cat grovel > rm ~/pride > rm ~/self-worth > > ls ~oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} drwxr-xr-x   4 oracle users     2048 Jan 31  1972 ./ } drwxr-xr-x  19 root   root      1024 Jan 30  1972 ../ } -rw-rw-rw-   1 oracle users   130729 Feb  6 17:26 .newsrc } -rw-rw-rw-   1 oracle users      114 Jan  4 17:23 .tcshrc } -rw-r--r--   1 oracle users    12885 Feb  2 02:04 .zotrc } lrwxrwxrwx   1 oracle users       18 Jul 17  1989 answer -> /bin/fortune } -rw-------   1 oracle users   299008 Nov 23 16:49 core } drwx------ 397 oracle users 18395618 Feb  6 20:17 mail/ } -rwxr--r--   1 oracle users        3 Dec 19  1996 megazot.perl } drwxr-xr-x  53 oracle users     8196 Feb  6 01:49 naughty-gifs/ } -rwxr--r--   1 oracle users       12 Aug 42  1980 woodchuck-filter.perl } -rw-rw-rw-   1 oracle users  4062916 Sep 15 01:12 zot.cbl } -rwxr-xr-x   1 oracle users    81270 Sep 15  1983 zot* } } cat ~supplicant/credit.card.number > ~oracle/fee

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Bill Gates is a father?  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, you haven't heard?  After the release of Microsoft's biggest } technology advance yet, Bill Gates will be known as "The Father of His } Country," usurping that other guy, who never even used a Microsoft } product, much less a computer. } } Next year, Microsoft is coming out with Constitution98 (formerly known } by the code name "Philadelphia").  Constitution98 features: } } * Dull Preamble replaced by startup screen featuring picture of amber } waves of grain, oceans white with foam, and purple mountain majesties. } } * Complete "drag-and-drop" support, allowing relevant portions of } Supreme Court decisions to be easily inserted. } } * Point-and-click access to Cabinet departments. } } * The "Congressional Wizard" greatly simplifies the process necessary } for a bill to become law. } } * Easy conversions to and from operating systems that are outdated but } still in use elsewhere, such as MagnaCarta and Iron Fist 4.0. } } * President replaced by "Task Manager" to keep the system running } smoothly; the population is polled every 5 nanoseconds to determine } which task runs in the foreground (Education Control Panel, Overseas } Military Extension, and so on). } } * Amendments available free to registered users at the National } Archives (www.microsoft.com). } } And, thanks to the "Three-Fifths Compromise," Constitution98 will take } up only three-fifths of the space in the Library of Congress. } } You owe the Oracle a one-way ticket to Canada.