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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most greatly groovnicious and opalescent Oracle, tell me, your lowly > dust bunny: > > The other day I showed someone something cool and she said, "Wow, > that's the bee's knees." > > Bee's knees? > > What is THAT about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uncultured supplicant, have you never seen The Amazing Richard's } Apoidean chorus line? } } The music!  The lights!  Those striped dresses!  What goes under those } striped dresses! } } And you should see that thing they do with their stingers...oh } man...er... } } <blush> } } You owe the Oracle a new microscope, a change of underwear, and a } plausible excuse.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose storytelling skills outrank even those of the > Great Story Master Qwerty of the Plains: > > Why is it that my best story ideas come at inconvenient times (i.e. in > the middle of classes, in the middle of tests, at 2am when I'm trying > to sleep, etc.)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's my law in action again. } } [Suddenly the door to the hallowed chamber of knowledge opens.  The } Oracle steps through.] } } Oracle> Hey!  What are you doing at my terminal?  WHO ARE YOU? } } Other Guy> I'm Murphy. } } Oracle> YOU SEE THE SIGN ON THAT CHAIR?  It says THE INTERNET ORACLE, } and NOT "MURPHY". } } Murphy> Actually, it says Usenet Oracle. } } Oracle> Yeah, well, I haven't had that changed yet, but it STILL } doesn't say "MURPHY." } } Murphy> Well, let me explain.... } } Oracle> Let ME explain!  The penalty for sitting on the INTERNET } ORACLE... } } Murphy> Usenet Oracle } } Oracle> WHATEVER!  The penalty for sitting on MY chair is ... } } [Zadoc, having somehow quietly entered the room, tugs on the Oracle's } shirt.] } } Oracle> NOW what? } } Zadoc> Oh magnifi-omniscient one, you can't zot him. } } Oracle> And just why not? } } Zadoc> Because chapter XLIV, paragraph XII of volume CMVII of the } rules of being an oracle plainly states that you cannot zot people } with laws named after them.  At least not the important laws. } } Oracle> WHAT? } } Zadoc> Almighty Oracle, whose shoes I'm unworthy to... } } Oracle> Just get to the point already.  I still want to zot this guy. } } Zadoc> Well, sir, it's right here. } } [Zadoc opens volume CMVII of being an oracle and points to the } paragraph in question.] } } Oracle> Well, it seems you're right.  First for everything, I guess. } } [The Oracle turns back to Murphy who is grinning widely.] } } Oracle> You're not off the hook yet, Murphy.  You are going to train } these woodchucks to chuck wood, just so I can finally get an answer } to that infernal question. } } [Murphy's grin falls to a look of horror as he disappears.  The } Internet Oracle sits in his chair, makes a mental note to fix the } name on it, and looks at the supplicant's question as it currently } appears.] } } Oracle> Best stories... inconvenient times, eh? } } [The Oracle cracks his knuckles as he prepares his wise answer....] } } Oracle> "Murphy's Law." } } You owe the Oracle a chair with "The Internet Oracle" across the } back.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh far sighted Oracle, who taught Nostradomus everything he knew; > > Is it true that the unfortunate "Macarena" dance craze sweeping the > world is one of the signs of the coming of the Apocalypse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh sure, go ahead.  Humilliate me.  Tell everybody that Nostradomus } was my high priest before Zadoc!  One too many ZOTs and the guy goes } off the deep end. } } As for the Macarena signalling the Apocalypse, don't get your hopes } up.  The whole thing was a mistake.  A 38-year-old woman from Miami } was at a San Francisco disco one chilly evening.  She was pleading } with the manager to turn up the heat. } } WOMAN: [holding out first one arm and then the other] Look at these } goose bumps!  It's too cold! } } MANAGER: [arms crossed] No way. } } WOMAN: [placing hands on shoulders] But I'm FREEZING!!! } } MANAGER: Next time wear long sleeves. } } WOMAN: [placing hands on ears] The music's too loud too.  This place } STINKS! } } MANAGER: So pay your bar tab and get out of here. } } WOMAN: [checking her back pockets] Oops, I must have left my wallet in } the car. } } The other disco patrons, being, after all, disco patrons, mistook the } woman's movements for a dance. } } You owe the Oracle a 4000 volt electric slide.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the differences between ferrari and lamborghini?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ferrari are short, squiggly, and hollow.  They are traditionally served } with steamed mussels and/or a light tomato-based sauce such as } puttanesca. Lamborghini are long and flat, and require a longer cooking } time.  They are best served with Alfredo sauce, or with a variety of } hard grated and semisoft cheeses. } } You owe the Oracle information on which wine goes best with a Porsche.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When is the 1.3 patch for MOO2 gonna be released?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As soon as the cows come home. } } You owe the Oracle some.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the most awsome car ever built?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are really only two contenders for this honor:  the Lotus driven } by James Bond, and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.  Let's just compare the } two: } } Lotus                           Chitty } } Flies through the air like a    Flies through the air like a } rocket                          hot air balloon } } Submersible                     Floats } } Assorted offensive armament     Unarmed } } Attracts the attention of       Attracts the attention of } beautiful women                 weird old men } } Keeps getting blown up and      A survivor } rebuilt } } 450 horsepower                  8 litres } } Created by kooky inventor       Created by unemployed kooky } employed by government          inventor } } Weaseley little electric horn   Big honker with a bulb you squeeze } } The last item is the one that decides it for me.  Chitty Chitty Bang } Bang is the winner. } } You owe the Oracle the complete works of Ian Fleming.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it, that some people just sends rubbish answers to the oracle? > We are all here to have fun, aren we?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The scene - the secret headquarters of American Oracles Live. The most }  devious and evil minds in the history of mankind are plotting yet more }  chaos and bad stuff] } } Devious and Evil Mind 1: So, what plans do you have to devastate the }                          Internet Community? } Devious and Evil Mind 2: Take a look at this... } } [The two evil masterminds stroll into a large room full of Intel Inside }  PC's with Windows 95 keyboards. At each sits an AOL user.] } } D&EM2: We've been training up these AOL users to intercept questions to }        the Usenet Oracle. } D&EM1: Egads, that's evil. } D&EM2: Why, thankyou. Just look at this... } } [They interrupt one of the AOL users.] } } D&EM2: Tell me, what's your name? } AOL user: 1 AM 3R1K, D00DZ. } D&EM1: Amazing! He even *sounds* like one. } D&EM2: And what question have you received from the Oracle, 3R1K? } AOL user: 'Almighty Oracle, who knows the answers to all the mysteries }            of the universe, even why they let Ringo sing, whatever }            happened to the fifth Beatle?' } D&EM1: And what answer are you going to give? } AOL user: Y0U SUX!! B3ATL3Z SUXX!1 N1RVANA R00LZ! } D&EM1: It's amazing... } D&EM2: And that's not all. We're training them to ask questions as }        well. 3R1K, ask the nice gentleman a question... } AOL user: H0W MUCH W00D W0U1D A W00DCHUK CHUK 1F A W00DCHUK W0U1D }           CHUK W000D? } D&EM1: You know, I think we might be being just a little too deviant }        and evil for our own good here. } D&EM2: Don't worry, we can stop it any time we want... } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as Devious and Evil Mind 1) an } explanation of exactly *how* we can stop it.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise and Omniscent Oracle, > What is the future of MSNBC on cable and on the internet > (www.msnbc.com)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle runs his finger along a shelf filled with different sized } crystal balls. After a few seconds his hand comes to a rest on a } crystal ball marked "Microsoft." He picks it up and carefully places it } on the desk in front of him. } } The Oracle waves his hands over the ball, which begins to emanate a } mysterious red, green, blue, and yellow glow. After a few seconds a } message comes into focus. Before we can read it, the Oracle hunches } over the crystal ball, obscuring it completely. We can hear him tapping } his fingers on the surface of the ball, as if using a virtual keyboard. } As he taps his fingers, we can hear him whispering each letter to } himself subconsciously: "O... R... A... C... L... E...." The Oracle } pauses and mutters something about a password. A few more seconds go } by. Suddenly his eyes light up and he begins tapping again. "L... I... } S... A." } } The Oracle sits back, allowing us to see the crystal ball again. We see } the familiar "MSNBC" logo emblazoned on its surface. The Oracle squints } at the crystal ball, waves his hands over it in a futuristic way, and } gives us a wink. } } The ball remains cloudly. } } The Oracle waves his hands over the ball again, this time a little more } quickly. Still the ball remains cloudy. } } The Oracle waves his hands over the ball yet again, but this time } without the fine motor control he exhibited the previous two times. } } Slowly a message appears out of the mist: } } "This crystal ball is no longer responding. You can continue to wait } for it to respond, or wave your left hand over it to cancel it. If you } cancel it, you will lose all unsaved visions." } } The Oracle gives the crystal ball a swift backhand, causing it to fly } across the room and smash against the wall. } } You owe the Oracle a Magic 8-Ball with an RJ-45 jack and an Ethernet } cable.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you familiar with Double Dactyl poetry?  Can you write me some?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Higgledy piggledy, } Mister Anonymous, } What do you think this is, } Some sort of test? } } Everyone knows that the } Antepenultimate } Line of a dactyl is } Really the best. } } } Rickety tickety, } Oracle's Supplicant, } I have now sent you a } Perfect reply. } } Hexasyllabity } Doesn't come cheaply, and } Therefore you owe me a } Blueberry pie.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ho oracle I need a favor from you.  Do you happen to have NASA's E mail > address lying around anywhere.  Could you please look in your pile of > trash and give it to me. > > Thanks

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see what I've got in this trash pile....'bout time i cleaned } it up anyway. } hmmmm..... }  - a letter asking if I'd accept the nomination for President of the UOA }    (United Oracles Alliance)...mental note - no }  - a picture of me and Amelia Earhart taken during the week we spent in }    Atlantis....mental note - burn this before Lisa finds it }  - the scripts to all three Star Wars prequels...mental note - don't go }    see them }  - a map showing the location of all the left socks that have been }    stolen out of dryers across the globe...mental note - go find my }    other Garfield sock }  - Richard Nixon's diaries from his years as President...mental note - }    reread that part about his mental paranoia }  - the CIA memo ordering the assasination of John F. Kennedy...mental }    note - give to Oliver Stone }  - the Windows 95 manual....mental note - buy a Mac }  - an invitation to guest host Saturday Night Live...mental note - only }    accept if they promise a time machine to take me back to the days }    when the show was funny }  - Nasa's email address: SpacedOut@aol.com....mental note - probably }    incorrect, look at website http://www.nasa.gov to get real ones. } } You owe the Oracle <incarnated as cgastald@haverford.edu> a trash } compactor.