|
} ANNOUNCER: Live, from the Stephen Kinzler pavilion in Bloomington,
} Indiana, it's the 69th Annual Oraculary Awards! Brought to you by
} Microsoft: responsible for more Oracle humor than every other software
} manufacturer combined! By the U.S. Postal Service: hey, anyone
} remember us?! And by Oracle: we're sorry people think
} rec.humor.oracle has something to do with us! Now, here's your host,
} Billy Crystal!
}
} [Applause turns to laughter as Billy walks out wearing a woodchuck
} suit, holding several logs.]
}
} BILLY: All right, let's get this decided once and for all! [Throws a
} log across the stage] One! [Throws another log] Two!
}
} [Uproarious laughter. Suddenly, fireworks go off loudly. Billy lies
} prone on the stage.]
}
} BOOMING VOICE: You have just been zotted. And you owe the Oracle...a
} great awards show.
}
} [Billy jumps up.]
}
} BILLY: Oh, is that all? That's no problem, big guy. Welcome to the
} 69th Annual Oraculary Awards, where the question on everyone's mind is:
} Who will win the Orrie? Ladies and gentlemen, the Oraculary Awards
} Dancers!
}
} [Applause. Eight hundred ninety-three dancers, each one representing
} an Oracularities Digest, come out and perform a truly amazing dance
} number during the following song.]
}
} Who will win?
} Who will win?
} Who will win?
}
} It's Oraculary Awards time again,
} Time for us to ask who will win,
} Who out there will be given the honor?
} It's time to let the show begin!
}
} ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Gates!
}
} BILL (solo): They never stop laughing about me,
} Those incarnations that I adore,
} All those jokes about me just don't matter,
} 'Cause I'm worth a billion or four.
}
} [Applause.]
}
} ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Canter & Siegel!
}
} CANTER: They must have forgotten about us!
} SIEGEL: Well, that really wasn't so hard.
} CANTER: Because we've been kicked off the Internet!
} BOTH: Anyone need a green card?
}
} [The audience boos. The song continues.]
}
} ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Oracle Priests!
}
} ALL: They locked us in a room with a computer,
} And the modem's always humming,
} They say we can come out
} When the questions run out
} OTIS VILES (solo): But they just keep on coming!
}
} [Applause.]
}
} It's Oraculary Awards time again,
} Hearts pound and throats are knotted,
} As everyone wonders who will win,
} And wonders who will be zotted.
}
} Who will win?
} Who will win?
} Who...will...win?
}
} [Thunderous applause. Billy Crystal returns.]
}
} BILLY: And our first award of the evening is, as always, Best Starring
} Performance in an Oracularity. To present the award are head Oracle
} priest Zadoc, and head Oracle girlfriend Lisa.
}
} [Applause. Zadoc and Lisa walk to the podium.]
}
} ZADOC: You know, Lisa, it's surprising that we're giving this award
} together.
}
} LISA: How's that, Zadoc?
}
} ZADOC: Because our relationship with the Oracle is so different. When
} he calls my name, it's usually for punishment. But when he calls your
} name, it's usually for pleasure.
}
} LISA: I wouldn't be too sure about it not being for punishment, Zadoc.
}
} [Laughter.]
}
} ZADOC: The nominees for Best Starring Performance in an Oracularity
} are:
}
} LISA: Bill Gates, 861-09!
}
} > That's pretty amazing! Nobody at the whole company has either sent
} > or received e-mail for the last 20 minutes!
}
} [Applause.]
}
} ZADOC: John Hallmark, 889-01!
}
} > Oh Oracle most wise, why is there such a long time between holidays?
}
} [Applause.]
}
} LISA: Zadoc, 883-04!
}
} } Yes Master. Here you are.
}
} [Applause.]
}
} ZADOC: Lisa, 789-03!
}
} } Senator Packwood, when are you going to get it through your
} } skull that 'Cease and desist' is not a term of affection?
}
} [Applause.]
}
} LISA: And finally, the Internet Oracle, 872-04!
}
} } Oh, well, time to walk the woodchuck.
}
} [Thunderous applause.]
}
} ZADOC: And the Orrie goes to...[opens envelope]...the Internet Oracle,
} 872-04!
}
} [The band plays "Theme from 872-04." The audience gives the Oracle a
} standing ovation as he walks slowly up to the stage. He embraces Lisa
} and completely ignores Zadoc.]
}
} ORACLE: Oh, yeah! Hey, what is this, 69 in a row? Well, that's what
} happens when you know who the voters are and have the power to zot
} them. Anyway, I have a few people I'd like to thank. First of all, of
} course, the lovely Lisa for standing behind me in every way possible.
} I'm sorry you didn't win, honey, but at least we have this to put on
} the mantel. And I'd like to thank the Association of Computer Monitor
} Manufacturers for making my words look so good all these years. And I
} can't forget...
}
} [The band starts playing. Orrie looks surprised.]
}
} BILLY CRYSTAL: That's what happens when you go past the
} 7-and-a-half-line limit with your acceptance speech. Well, folks,
} that's the 69th Annual Oraculary awards. Congratulations to our
} winner, and...AWK!
}
} [Billy falls over.]
}
} ORACLE: And this time, it's a real zot, you Shecky Greene wannabe. As
} I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted...
}
} ANNOUNCER: Costumes provided by Acme Taxidermy of Beverly Hills. This
} has been an Internet Oracle production, in association with An
} Incarnation With a Lot of Time on His Hands, Incorporated. Stay tuned
} for...AWK!
}
} [The announcer falls out of his booth.]
}
} ORACLE: I was going to say, that I can't forget Zadoc, who took on
} many of the production responsibilities for me this year. But it seems
} that he's done QUITE a poor job. Start running, Zadoc!
}
} ZADOC [offstage]: I'm already out the door.........
|
![[IO]](https://kinzler.com/picons/db/domains/org/internetoracle/unknown/face.gif){kind=small}
