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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me what's time is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Time to buy a watch.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle who is one with the Internet, tell me what is the > purpose of AOL users?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Target practice. } } You owe the Oracle a semi-automatic -> fully-automatic ZOT staff kit.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wonderous Oracle, who alone knows what happened to > Tucumcare, NM in 1927 please tell me... > >  If Hale-Bopp has caused the suicide of 39 religious nutters, > how large a comet, and how many aliens, would be needed to > remove the entire radical religious right, and would it be a > Good Thing? > >  And where do I go to book another comet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *slightly devious grin* } } Well, well, well. } Such a devious yet clever plan you have in store, oh Supplicant. } I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but based on some figures in } recent comet news, you will have to get a very VERY large comet. To } figure out just HOW big involves very complex math. } } If we look at the Comet Halley, and realize that it had an approximate } size of 16x8x8 km (That's 10x5x5 miles for all you non-metric users out } there.  Get with the times!), and then look at the size of the } much larger Hale-Bopp, which is estimated to have a size of 40 km in } diameter (Hint: 25 miles), and factor in that with a comet that size } and NO aliens visibly present only killing 39 crazies, I'm sure you can } see the dilemma. Setting up a quick equation, we get: } } 40 km diameter                   X } --------------  = ----------------------------------- }   39 crazies       6 million religious right members } } Now, notice we have to guesstimate just how many religious right } members there may be. You may substitute in the number of your own } estimate. } } After doing the arithmetic, you can see we must have a comet that is } approximately 6,153,846 km diameter. Considering the Earth's diameter } is approximately 12,740 km, I would come to the conclusion, and I would } assume you would also, having a comet that is over 483 times the size } of the puny rock you live on speeding towards you at a very high speed } would be a Bad Thing, regardless of whether Pat Buchanan was killed in } the process. } } Next, for determining the number of visible aliens needed, using the } equation, we will use the equation: } } 0 visible aliens                    X } -----------------  =  --------------------------------- }    39 crazies         6 million religious right members } } We can see that you will not need a single visible alien! Posting some } large posters on the telephone poles near some key members of the } religious right's houses proclaiming the coming of Yoda and Quark to } their hometown should be sufficient enough for your purposes. } } If you still insist, even after my grave warning, on booking a comet to } come shooting through, I would strongly suggest Comet Time. I hear they } even have new person-seeking comets available for sale. } } You owe the Oracle a large comet-detonator and every single X-Files } episode on high-quality VHS tape.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Qu'est-ce que c'est?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} . . .L'Oracle, idol d'humanite, strollez into la Cafe D'Azur, awash } avec hormones d'manly et radiant avec la beauty exquisite par } excellence.  Le supplicantes, overcome avec awe at L'Oracle's je nis se } quoi, quietten (pour unce) et beam avec joyeus rapteur at seeing } L'Oracle.  But L'Oracle sees only l'supplicantes femmes.  L'Oracle } questez pour l'femme perfecte. }       At la barre, Lisa sittez, alone.  Aware d'l'quiettude, looks up, } et sees. . .L'Oracle.  L'Oracle sees Lisa. . .eyes meetez.  _Amore_. }       L'Oracle ambulez to la barre, et sits besides la femme fatale. }       "Chablis," sayez L'Oracle, et looks at Lisa.  "Deux Chablis." }       L'supplicantes rejectes become restlesse.  They beginnez to }       speak. ZOTTE!  ZOTTE!  ZOTTE! }       L'supplicantes quietten (pour deuxce). }       Une moment magique. }       Pas de deux.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh superwise and mega-sweet-smelling Oracle, whose nostril hairs I am > not fit to pluck, how do I become Pope? Are there classes I should take > or do I just drop off a resume at the Vatican reception desk? What's > the procedure?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's clear you missed the advert in last week's Vatican Times } classified section.  Fortunately, the Oracle hasn't yet hauled the } papers out to the recycle bin.  Hmm...where has Zadoc put them...ah, } here we go. } } "POPE:  Full time opening for pontiff.  The ideal applicant will be } Catholic, male and have several decades of increasing responsibility } tending to the faithful.  Fluency in Latin, Greek and Hebrew a must, } good working knowledge of English and Italian a plus.  Relocation to } Vatican City required.  Some travel required.  We offer a generous } compensation package including housing, meals and full medical and } dental coverage.  Forward resume, salary requirements and references to } Human Resources Department, College of Cardinals, Vatican City."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do women get all crabby when they're pregnant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, at least this one is a break from the "why do women get crabby } when they're Pre-menstrual" questions I've been getting lately.  Not } that any of you Neanderthals would put it in exactly those terms; "why } do women get bitchy when they have their periods" is more along your } lines. } } I'll be honest, supplicant, I used to be thoughtless about this } subject, too.  That was until Lisa put me on the Pregnancy Empathy } Program, and a more ill-appropriate acronym was never chosen!  For your } information, here is a copy of the program so you can try it for } yourself. } } Lisa's Pregnancy Empathy Program - Nine Days to Better Understanding } -------------------------------------------------------------------- } } Introduction: } }         This program is designed to make it clearer to men why women } behave the way they do during pregnancy.  While participating in this } program, please keep in mind that women go through this for nine } months.  In order to ensure that more men can and will complete the } program, we have shortened it to 9 days. } } DAY 1 } ===== } Every time you go to the bathroom, save a sample for a test.  Place a } small piece of blotter paper in your urine sample.  Squint at the paper } for any sign of a change.  Repeat until you see one. } } DAY 2 } ===== } Eat as usual, but immediately after breakfast, take 2 tablespoons of } syrup of Ipecac.  It is imperative that you NOT give in to the } temptation to lose your lunch.  If you do, try it again. Repeat this } step after breakfast on days 3 and 4. } } DAY 3 } ===== } Add a 10 mile jog to your fitness regimen today, and repeat each day } through day 7. } } Have large pineapple surgically implanted in your stomach. } } Day 4 } ===== } Wear an additional layer of clothing today and tomorrow, even if your } office is superheated.  Walk into a supermarket and choose two items at } random from the shelves.  Eat these items - together - and nothing } else. } } Day 5 } ===== } add additional padding to your wardrobe, especially around the chest, } thighs, and stomach.  Increase this padding daily through end of } program. Wear it 24 hours a day.  Work in it.  run in it.  Sleep in it } (if you can). } } Day 8 } ===== } set an alarm clock to go off every half hour through the course of the } night.  Repeat tomorrow. } } Day 9 } ===== } Go into hospital and lie in one place until you are able to, without } surgical assistance, squeeze the pineapple implanted on day 4 out } through your anus. } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } Try it - it worked for me.... } } You owe the Oracle a case of preparation H and a lifetime supply of } bland foods.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH GREAT ORACLE, WHO HAS A CAPITAL INTELLIGENCE, PLEASE AID THIS POOR > USER.  EVERYBODY TELLS ME TO STOP USING UPPER CASE LETTERS, BUT ALL I > SEE ON MY KEYBOARD ARE CAPS.  HOW CAN I TYPE LOWER CASE LETTERS? > > AND HOW DOES EVERYONE KNOW I USE AMERICA ONLINE?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your computer [the thing that consists of your TV-looking square thing, } the thing you are typing on, and that big square box-ish thing.] is } apparently not functioning properly, oh capitalistic one. Have you not } done so already, I would strongly suggest pushing the power button } [that's the button on the big square thing that has "power" written } next to it] numerous times successively as a start, to make sure there } is enough memory [stuff the box stores stuff in] left for all of the } uppercase letters [big. capital. annoying. bad.] and the lowercase } letters [small. friendly. good.]. } } Now, you need to buy some more keyboards [that thing you are typing on, } remember?]. You need to buy them until you get one that does not have a } lit "caps lock" lcd [that shiny little green thing] in the corner; this } may take 2 keyboards, 10, or even 52 keyboards. Don't worry though, it } is money well spent. Whenever you type something, and want a lowercase } letter, plug [insert into appropriate socket on back of the box thing] } in the keyboard that is not lit up [not shining]. When you decide you } want an uppercase letter, you plug [same as before. atta boy.] the } keyboard with that has the lit up [shining] caps lock lcd in. } } This may seem like a lot of trouble [inconvenient. annoying. something } you don't like. bad.], but it is worth the extra effort. It should fix } your problem completely. If not, open up the square box, find the flat } green thing that your phone cord [that thin grey thing connected to } your computer from your phone jack] connects to on the back of the box, } rip it out with a triumphant [happy. gleeful.] roar and jump up and } down on it until it splinters [turns into many little pieces rather } than one big one.] all over your floor. This will fix any problem you } have now for sure, and will ensure you do not have problems such as } this in the future. } } The America Online question, well. If you have to ask, you don't need } to know. Someday you too will graduate to the big leagues and be able } to say "You use AOL, you luser!" with no doubt at all. } } SO, IF THAT IS ALL, I THINK I WILL GO SEE IF I HAVE ANY MAIL ON MSN. } } You owe the Oracle a computer terms dictionary and a "Tech Support for } Dummies" book.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ------------54A8718364871 > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii > > Exactly what IS the sound of one hand clapping? > > ------------54A8718364871 > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > Content-Type: text/html; charset=us-ascii > > <HTML><BODY> > > <DT>Exactly what IS the sound of one hand clapping?&nbsp;</DT> > > </BODY> > </HTML> > ------------54A8718364871--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ---Orresponder2342874251744B---- } Content-receive-decoding: 512bit } Content-Type: super/omnipitent; charset=world-wscii } } <OTML><IMMORTAL BODY> } } <FONT +6><STRONG><BIG>Supplicant!!!</BIG></STRONG></FONT +6> } } <COMMAND><font +7>Slap yourself in the face!</font +7></COMMAND> } } <BLINK>This</BLINK>is the <MIDI>sound</MIDIi>of one hand clapping! } } <PAYMENT>You owe the <FONT +3>Oracle</FONT +3> a beer dispensing } plugin</PAYMENT> } } </IMMORTAL BODY> } </OTML> } } ---Orresponder2342874251744B----

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I climb the tree, will I regret it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This would seem to depend on who you are, on where you are, on what } the tree is, and why you want to climb it.  In an effort to satisfy } most of the common possibilities: } } * You'll love it!  They send a whole fire engine out for you, and } then you get to claw the fireman's face all the way down the ladder! } } * CLIMB TREE THEN GET EGG.  Go underground and WAIT for the thief. } GIVE EGG TO THIEF.  When you kill him, you can get the egg back. } } * There's no trees in the desert!  Climb the mesa instead.  Be sure } to bring your Acme Rocket Skates(tm).  That bird will be yours, super } genius, oh yes, it will be yours. } } * You've seen what it does to kites, Charlie Brown.  Don't be a } blockhead. } } You owe the Oracle a shrub.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Mystic Oracle, > > Do I really have to be all I can be? Or can I just be some of it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         That depends. If you're in the Army, Regulation 37 paragraph 3 } line 62 states that you must be at least 98.2% of what you can be at } all times. This regulation is highly controversial, as it has led to } many "friendly fire" accidents in wartime; individual soldiers, } realizing that they are capable of being either enemies or friends, } have occasionally under battlefield stress attempted to fulfill the } regulation by being both at once. } }         If you're a civilian, it depends on how many different things } you're capable of being. For example, one person may be capable of } being either a banker, a chef, or a yak driver. It is generally } considered an unhealthy strain on the heart to work more than 24 hours } a day, or to be more than 2.4 people at the same time. } } You owe the oracle a recruiting brochure and a yak.