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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Long long ago, in the old days when You just had started posting Your > collected Wisdom to rec.humor (i.e.  in October -89), most of Your > answers ended with a request for some fee ("You owe the Oracle a ..."). > In those days, the fee was almost always a quantity of one of the > following substances: > > Newts' eyes > Children > Root beer. > > Later, You stopped asking for these, asking instead for various weird > sexual services.  Now, You hardly ever ask for any fee. > > Why is that so?  And why don't You need any root beer any more?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Recently at Oracle Inc.  we had a severe budget crisis where my staff } had some cost overruns in the areas mentioned: } }   Newts' eyes are required to feed the managers }   Children are required to feed the accountants }   Root beer is required for my marvelous ability to answer questions } } In order to make up for this we raised our normal price from one year of } your life to "one year of your life plus a premium." Since everyone } knows that every question sent to the oracle removes a single year from } the sender's life expectancy it's not included in the invoice at the end } of the message. } } After the budget crisis was ended many of the oh-so-clever programmers } in the messaging department began including invoices for things not } necessarily required by the company, such as obscure sexual acts and } trinkets. } } These programmers are being terminated and new ones are being hired. } } To keep the budget crisis from happening again questions that require } extra effort or research are given an extra cost, invoiced at the end as } usual. } } You owe the oracle a bean-counter's cookbook.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I owe my loan-shark $7500.  Three ogre-shaped goons came over and told > me they'd rearrange my cassette tape collection if I didn't pay it. > What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Number your cassettes before it's too late!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did I have such a lousy time this New Year's Eve?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The First World industrial complex through its lakney dog the media and } advertising agencies, force the ordinary poletariat to feel inadequate } unless he/she is living a life accesable only to the privaledged few } (the first against the wall when the revolution comes brother).  Part of } the act that common people are forced to strive for is the drunken } humiliating celebration that accompanies every holiday; when time is } better spent in quiet contemplation of the virtues of self and others. } } Grab your AK-47 comrade, and together we will create the new society!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh my ears and whiskers, what sacrifice is appropriate to appease this > cough-demon lodged in my throat ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah!  Finally, something interesting!  I was getting really bored of } annswering all the feckless meanderings of obsequious mortal peasant } users, especially the low-life morons who merely ask "Why?" and expect a } complete answer to all the questions that life and the universe will } ever pose.  Sometimes I abuse them, sometimes I send no answer, } sometimes I just say "42". } } It has been a long time since the Oracle received a question of medical } nature. } } Now, then, let me have a look at you...  hmmmm...  hmmmm....  you appear } to have a small badger and a credit card receipt stuck in your throat. } The badger has died and almost completely decomposed, leaving an ugly } mess on the back of your throat, which has been sealed on by the soggy } receipt. } } I can recommend:  1) Stay away from badgers in the future...  you're } lucky you got a small one this time; 2) Destroy your credit cards, or } stop eating the receipts; 3) Drink a shot of Southern Comfort. } } If you want a sure-fire, 100% method, then the Oracle requires you to } sacrifice all of the nerve endings from your collarbone to your mouth. } } Furthermore, the Oracle demands eleven pounds of oregano, for the answer } of your question, and a kilogram of yeast for each of the next three } (never you mind what I'm making...  it's an Oracular Delicacy that you } humans could never appreciate).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OK, I've put the dragon on the CD player and rotated the bed so that my > head is pointing East when I'm asleep, and I checked on all the > astrological signs and make sure I go to bed at 7:14 or 8:12 each night, > but I still got sick today.  What did I do wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Give up your avoidance of fun, } And maximum hours in the sun! }       The source of no good, }       Might be lack of a hood... } (Refer Duet. twenty-three, verse one.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Is there anything you DON'T know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have no clue why my bread tastes flat } or why my otter is now a cat, } or where the seashells go at night, } or what make snowflakes so square and white, } or why the truth of woodchuck wood } would do you mortals any good.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > If I were to ask you the following question: > >       Dear Oracle, >       If I were to ask you the following question: > >               Dear Oracle, >               If I were to ask you the following question: > >                       Dear Oracle, >                       If I were to ask you the following question: > > [intervening lines removed to save net.bandwidth, but you get the idea] > >                       what would you answer? > >               what would you answer? > >       what would you answer? > > what would you answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get some rest.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > In answer to my last question, you wrote (among other interesting things > that, however, are irrelevant to this inquiry): > > } Since everyone knows that every question sent to the oracle removes a > } single year from the sender's life expectancy it's not included in the > } invoice at the end of the message. > > Since this is my two hundred and twenty-first question to you, my life > expectancy should now be about -197 years.  Yet I'm still alive and > kicking.  What does this mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're forgetting something important. } } Those years are subtracted from all your lives:  past, present, future. } } You're on your fourth life and you've got quite a few more to go.  Each } time you reincarnate, however, you come back as the thing you hate most. } These years as distributed over the hundred or so lives that you will } have before you acheive the state of "non-hate." } } This insight into the fabric of the universe is gonna cost you, buddy. } } You owe the oracle a set of fuzzy dice with air freshener.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is my boss paranoid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Are you self-employed, my son?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I don't know what I want, how will I know when I get it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One day, your entire life will seem different.  All the problems that } loomed at the horizon, dark and menacing, will be reduced to minor } trifles.  All your feelings of inadequacy, inferiority and unfulfilled } yearning will be gone.  You'll want to burst out singing, dance in the } streets and forgive your enemies.  You'll even want to embrace and } forgive the meter-maids. } } When this occurs, you'll know that one of the following has occured: } } 1. You have found what you wanted. } 2. You have fallen in love. } 3. There was something funny with that last cigarette you smoked. } } You owe the Oracle: } } in case 1: What the Oracle wants. } in case 2: Your ex-SO. } in case 3: The rest of those cigarettes.