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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will someone ask the oracle a question about ice skating?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sadly, since Tonya Harding took my suggestion literally, without } any sense of humor at all, the World Skating Federation has asked } that I honor a self-imposed ban on ice skating questions. } } Therefore, I can't even answer your question.  Enjoy the queue!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> just a hint, that's all, I can guess the rest: > > How many ways are there of becoming a man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well if you want just a hint, } } a random generated number, a cucumber, a penis, a wild monkey.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the difference between Tom Lehrer and > Gilbert and Sullivan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Surprisingly little, really. McNeil & Lehrer together wrote some of the } greatest musicals in television history. For example, there is this } song from "The Pirates of PBS" } } LEHRER: Yes, yes, I am a t.v. personality! } SAMUEL: For he is t.v. personality! } ALL:    He is! Hurrah for the t.v. personality! } LEHRER: And it is, it is a glorious thing }         To be a t.v. personality! } ALL:    It is! Hurrah for the t.v. personality! }         Hurrah for the t.v. personality! } } SONG }         I am the very model of a modern t.v. personality, }         I've information vegetable, animal, and political, }         I know the Leader of the Senate and I quote him quite }         liberally, With biased views and quotes taken out of }         contextual; }         I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters scientifical, }         I understand global warming, even when it's unsupportable, }         About ozone thinning, and rain forest loss deplorable, }         With many cheerful facts from Al Gore unsupportable. } } ALL:    With many cheerful facts, etc. } } LEHRER: I'm very good at reporting events in Bosnia, }         I know the names of every State Department fella, }         In sort, in matters vegetable, animal and politically, }         I am the very model of a modern t.v. personality. } } ALL:    In short, in matters vegetable, animal and poitically, }         He is the very model of a modern t.v. personality. } } LEHRER: I know that Clinton's lying, but I believe his personality, }         I ignore the facts and treat him very liberally. }         I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Newt and his cronies, }         And ignore the White House full of criminals and phonies } }         I can't tell the difference between a Mauser and a javelin, }         But Sarah Brady's welcome to come on and start slaverin' }         But still, in matters vegetable, animal and politically, }         I am the very model of a modern t.v. personality. } } ALL:    But still, in matters vegetable, animal and politically, }         He is the very model of a modern t.v. personality. } } LEHRER: And now that I have introduced myself, I should like to have }         some idea of what's going on. } } You owe the Oracle the libretto to McNeil & Lehrer's musical } "Arkansas!"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, he of the ShockWave Antidefamation League, tell me... > > Why is it that you're a Mac user? Don't you know that Apple's going out > of business, a fast Mac can't beat a slow PC in anything except a > dropping contest, and Bill Gates is the second coming of Beavis Christ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Response Error } Abort, Cancel, Retry?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mathematically magnificant Oracle, if you could but answer this one > question this supplicant whose brain is merely a festering pimple on > the inside of his skull, worth less than the imaginary number i, then > all three of his functioning brain cells would be overcome with > gratitude... > > If a train left Chicago at 5:30 pm central standard time and headed > east at 60 mph, and another train left Boston heading west at 100 kph > at 7:45pm daylight saving time on the same day... would the socialist > revolution have succeeded?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but only if the trains are from Amtrak. } } Amtrak created easy, cheap cross country travel. } Cheap travel led to business trips away from home. } Working away from home led to telecommuting. } Telecommuting led to frequent computer use. } Frequent computer usage led to carpal tunnel syndrome. } CTS leads to higher insurance premiums. } High insurance premiums led to a lack of quality health care. } A lack of good health care leads to socialized medicine. } Socialized medicine leads to other programs. } Too many socialized programs leads to a Socialist Revolution. } } For the good of your country, please take a car! } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Travel Scrabble.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> fresh water! whay can be better?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is very impressive, Jesus. Now turn it back into wine } before the guests arrive. } } You owe the Oracle the ability to heal water and walk on the sick.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Supercalifragiliciousexpialligocious Oracle, who is so brilliant > that he probably can tell me how to correctly spell that word, > > While reading Digest 898, I couldn't help but notice, embedded inside > #898-09, the following: > > [Steve: the > > Just two insignifigant words. However, they speak volumes, don't they? > I can make an educated guess that "Steve" is probably Oracular Priest > Kinzler. Now, who would make a request to Steve Kinzler and then get > cut off after typing only two words? More importantly, why did this > aborted message show up in #898-09? > > I believe I can form a hypothesis. A supplicant had angered you. It > doesn't matter what he did (although I do have an interesting guess. > See below.) In retaliation, you embedded him forever inside Question > #898-09! Apparently his crime was quite heinous. Instead of mercifully > ZOTing him, you forced him to read a question (about, of all things, > null questions) for eternity! (Maybe the subject matter of #898-09 had > something to the supplicant's crime? An ironic punishment like this one > seems somehow fitting, if the supplicant in question did indeed bombard > you with endless null questions!) > > However, the supplicant, the tortuous walls of Question #898-09 closing > in around him, was able to cry for help. Apparently believing that > Kinzler would help him, he attempted to send Priest Kinzler a message. > Unfortunately, (or perhaps fortunately,) he had hardly gotten two words > out when the walls of Question #898-09 snapped shut forever, and he > was forced to live for all eternity with a question asked by one of > the poor supplicants who recieved one of his null questions! A fitting > end! > > Then again, it might have been a typo. What do I know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's what you know: } } 1. The corn flakes are in the cabinet above the refrigerator. } 2. The car keys are hanging on a hook next to the front door. } 3. Get in the left lane as soon as possible after the Oak Street }    intersection. } 4. Advance the rubber date three days if today is Monday, one day }    otherwise. } 5. The illustration showing which way to insert the dollar bill into the }    vending machine is upside down. } 6. Lite FM always plays that annoying Celine Dion song at 3:06 PM, so }    that's a good time to take a coffee break. } 7. Check the order twice after leaving the McDonald's drive-thru window. } 8. Over-the-air channel 13 is cable channel 14. } 9. Garbage goes out to the curb Monday and Thursday nights. } 10. Don't swallow the Listerine. } 11. Check to make sure the alarm is set before going to sleep. } } A short list, true, but enough to get you through the day. } } [Steve: the supplicants I've trapped in the questions are going to have } to be watched more closely.  And make sure this supplicant gets trapped } in 906-04, please.]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, > Most Wise-- > Triumphant-- > Tell me, I Beseech Thee: > > What is Virtue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, I love the old questions. } } Well, actually, that's not strictly true. I used to love the old } questions. A long time ago. A long, long time ago. } } Aw, the heck with it, I'll just z- } } - ORACLE! STAY YOUR HAND! } } Eh? } } OK, you have my attention. } } - WOULD YOU CRUSH AN INNOCENT SEEKER OF KNOWLEDGE? ONE WHO WISHES } ONLY TO FIND THE _WAY_? ONE WHO GROVELLED RATHER WELL? } } Well, yes, actually. I mean, we don't KNOW he wants to identify Virtue } in order to pursue it. Maybe he wants to avoid it, along with the } rest of these contrary little monkey-men. } } - UM. } } And heck, he could have just looked it up at } http://www.m-w.com/netdict.htm. } } - YOU HAVE A POINT. } } Hey, I tell you what. You can zot the little pipsqueak. } } - COOL. I HAVEN'T DONE THIS SINCE THE OLD TESTAMENT!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what can you say about my voice? Did you like it? > >                                               Mary.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Typhoid (if you'll permit me to use your first name), you had } a sensuous and distracting voice, hence your wartime popularity. } However, I believe it's time you got on with your life.  Geez, it's } been 50 years... } } You owe the Oracle some other obscure WWII reference.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that Canada is planning an invasion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Planning? No... } } Executing? Yes... } } The Canadian invasion started over 30 years ago, when Lorne Greene } snuck his way onto a television lot, and picked up the role of Pa on } Bonanza. } } Following in his footsteps, was Alan Thicke, Michael J. Fox, William } Shatner, started the initial attack. It was silent, stealthy, and no } one saw it coming. The onslaught continued with Anne Murray, Tom } Cochrane, Alanis Morissette, Shania Twain, Barenaked Ladies, Sloan, and } the Crash Test Dummies stormed the border, bagpipes a-wailing, striking } fear in the hearts of Americans (and Grammy judges) } } The latest attack has been the hardest... Superspies Jim Carrey and } Pamela Anderson have made there way into the U.S.A's wallet, tapping } them for millions of dollars for each appearance... } } So, face it... the war has been lost, the U.S. has already been taken } over by Canadians... and you never new it, because they look just like } you... eh? } } You owe the Oracle two liters of maple syrup, a stubby bottle of beer, } and a kilo of back bacon.